New here looking for s

[cnab77]

You'll have to excuse me here I'm a bit tired and I might leave bits of this out.

 

First off I'm 29 and looking at a divorce. Well not so much me looking to get one, but rather I'm getting into one against my wishes. This has been going on for a while now after a 10 year marriage with 3 children. She has 'moved on' and is seeing a guy online that lives in Virgina (we're in Kansas) and never fails to toss it at me how in love she is and how happy she is and all those nice little horribe tid-bits that she can rub in my face to make me feel like crap.

 

But Im sure that that would be another section of the forum, and not really the core of this question, or series of questions.

 

It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that a woman I love and had been with all of my adult life could look me in the face and say she didn't love me, but, sooner or later I did. I didn't like it and thats to be expected but I came to terms with it. Well, most of it. It's a bit hard to flush something like that down the drain and not still have lingering thoughts.

 

During this time a good friend of mine stood by me thick and thin and helped me out the best she could. This was a person that I knew had feelings for me other than friendship but it was known that it was nothing else but a friendship becasue I was after all a married man.

 

Then after I got my head on right things atarted happening between us. It developed into an relationship quickly becuse we were comfortable with one another and it was nice to have that. I soon started to notice the things in my marriage that were lacking that I was getting here. Simple things that mean a lot like, oh I dont know, conversation, trust, courtesey, understanding. It was so nice to have a person that when you had a problem would drop everythign and listen while lkooing you right in the face and not zone of to the TV. Things were good for the most part but then a couple of things popped up.

 

She didn't like the fact that until I got to the point the divorce was underway I felt odd about bringing her around my kids. I don't want to confuse them (they're 10, 9 and 6) and cause complications with all this. Another was to not parade it in front of the soon to be ex like she was so happily doing to me, simply cause I'm not that way. She understood how I felt but at least wanted to be known. I know this feeling too becasue she's kinda hidden me from her family for a few reasons and I have hated it. One reason is becasue I'm 29 shes 19, another is shes the baby and if any of you are parents then you know how that would go over. "My baby is with a divorced man that has 3 kids?? (enter explicit comment here)".

 

I swear there are questions here, promise. Soon...

 

So I guess at one point it became a bit much and she broke it off. Shes the kind of person that will avoid at first the real issue and use a cover up as to why. This particular one was still loving the ex. Now I know there were some residual feelings there but she had been without him for months. They still visited from time to time and I didnt liek the fact that he was around and stayed on the couch (out of towner) and I protested a bit but knew that he was a friend and delt with it. Kinda...

 

Ok the core of it, enough background. After she broke it off and I got my stuff out, the next night I talked to her about things and told her to talk to me and think about what I had said and that I'd get in touch with her tomorrow. Well that resulted in a kiss later before it was all said and done with that evening. o...k...whatever I guess. Next day she was sick as you know what so bing the person I am I took care of her, for like 3 days. After the illness we went out a bit to the local Wal Mart and since I had never held her hand out in public for reasons stated above I offered my hand and she took it. Slight confusion...but I went with it. We bought another male Beta fish, which in itself was kinda symbolic since just two monts prior we bought one on our first date, official go out in public date. We got back to her place and got the newest addition set up, and hung out talking a bit. Things were good and I ended up getting the invite to stay. I figured on the couch if anything but it was in bed (no sex, sorry to dissapoint, lol) We curled up with one another just like we had before but no kissing and went to bed. We laid there and talked about some things including possilbe future plans. She made the comment that that was great and it was in a way bringing her back around to me but it was being a bit pushy. Next day normal. Did a couple things then I had to go and then I got a kiss. Later that night as I met her before she headed home for the holidays she gave me several which I thought was not going to happen since ex had been around. I've only got to text message via phone so far but I did finally tell the kids about her and they want to meet her. I didnt go into detail as to the level of our friendship/relationship simple because.....I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!! LOL!!

 

So the big question is what in the heck is going on here? I know you guys have to have some insight and I hope to whatever deiety you follow you got through this long rambling and didn't pass out from exhaustion or lack of food/water.

 

While your at it. What is she thinking? What am I thinking? and if you feel the need, what the heck is her ex thinking trying to crash on the couch all the time? Well I have a fairly good idea about that last one there but thats not what Im after.....I'm just really goofy like that. Aside from the 'too early for a relationship advice' I havent got any insight to this. And for those who will quote the 'too early' thing, I have thought about it and I appreciate your concern and advice .

 

Night all, hope to hear back on this one.

 

CNAB

[amaysngrace]

It doesn't sound like you're ready to jump into this new relationship at all. It seems like you want to but at the same time you have too much left over emotions you need to get past.

 

It's a very confusing time, going through a divorce. You need to tread especially lightly to not do damage to all involved.

 

This new woman seems great to you because she has a lot of good qualities and you two get along in ways your STB exW and you didn't. That in itself can be confusing. You are doing the comparison and of course the one you're with is going to seem much better than the one who left you behind.

 

But don't be fooled into thinking she is everything you have been looking for your whole life. It seems to me you have a false sense of who she is, merely basing it on who she isn't. You need to take her off of the pedestal you've placed her on. And you need to take this new relationship off of the pedestal too, while you're at it. You are comparing this relationship to your marriage as far as what you're getting from it, having certain needs met that weren't apparent in your marriage, a new level of respect that was lacking, etc.

 

You need to go especially slow. Take it easy on her and yourself primarily. You've been through a lot and still have a lot to get through.

 

Maybe she is the type to want to rescue others. There are many women like this. They are natural nurturers. This would explain why she offers her ex to crash at her place. And why she'd get involved with you during your time of crisis.

 

But a lot of the time women who have a need to fix everything often use it as a distraction to not fix themselves. They'd rather put the energy outward rather than look inward and address their issues. I'm not saying this is the case with her, but it could be. And you should be extremely careful in that instance.

 

Personally I don't think you are anywhere near ready for a new relationship. You should really try and figure out how you feel about this person before you introduce her to your children. Is she going to be around for the long haul? Do you see yourself building a new life with her?

 

You have children and you certainly don't want to be the type of daddy who parades new women in and out of their lives. That is a good way to screw them up on how they view women. And can damage their future relationships.

 

I think you need to get past a lot before jumping into a serious, full-time relationship. You've taken quite a blow and it's a very mixed up time. But if you do decide you want to pursue a life with this new woman, I would just suggest you go very slow. Don't rush things like introductions to family members until you're absolutely sure that this is a solid union and she's going to be in your future.

 

I think deep down you know this, which is why you've been hesitant all along. Just go slow. Make sure you're completely comfortable before taking it to the next level.

 

The last thing that is needed here is an additional person thrown into the mix of your family dynamics. Especially if you don't see her being in your life three years from now. Just make sure.

[cnab77]

Sound, solid advice and much appreciated.

 

Yes I have thought about these things and if this does turn into...well...BACK into something then I fully intend on taking it slow. I'm just trying to figure out why one minute she's talking of meeting my kids, family, ect., then dodging out, THEN acting like things are coming back together. I would assume that age is probably a key factor here and I can tolerate that. I just want to know how to interrpret it.

 

My marriage was a roller coaster of good, bad, and ugly so I can see the point of 'the grass is greener' syndrom. I thought about that too and its a possibility but as far as my marriage, it was over long ago. We loved one another but I think we didn't know why really.

 

I may very well be seting myself up for a fall but I had one of those moments after a long soul search alone in the park where I asked myself what I really wanted from life. It was kinda clear to me that I may have wanted her all along. I know thats not right speaking in tearms of me being married but I've pretty much spent the last year or two of my marriage alone anyway. I worked while she and the kids went to school and then she got a job and started her career then it was over. I was no longer her equal and it was time to dispose of me.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice and I hope others look though this as well.

 

cnab

 

by the way, this......... , this is funny, nice icon lol!