Another Lost and Lonely Soul

[Leee]

Hi All,

I'm trying to think of something new to say about my situation. I've been reading a lot of the posts and many of the situations and feelings are the same as mine. It doesn't really help me much because I'm in so much pain and am so lonely, I don't know if anything could help me right now.

 

We were married 11 years and it was never even close to a perfect marraige. We both thought about separating several times during the past. But this time it really happened, but the timing is just horrible.

 

My soon to be ex just went through a year of hell. She was very overweight and had really bad knee problems. The doctors wouldn't give her knee replacement surgery until she lost like 100 pounds. During the entire time she was on very heavy amounts of pain medication (first vicoden then oxycodone) and obviously she became addicted. At the same time I was taking vicoden for my back, and I became addicted to, although I was the first to admit it out loud.

 

She finally had her third knee operation (the second one caused an infection and it had to be taken out). After the operations she realized she needed to go into rehab. She went to rehab, came out clean, started going to NA meetings and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.

 

The hardest part of this for me (at least the part that makes me the angriest) is that for the past couple of years I have been there for her during the hardest part of her life. Dealing with all the pain, dealing with the doctors, dealing with her weight loss and finally dealing with her addiction problems. Most of the time during the last year she couldn't even get out of bed. She was miserable and angry, but I stuck with her the entire time. Even though it took everything out of me, even though it made me a basket case, I stuck with her, because I thought only a total dirtbag would leave a woman in that condition. It was very hard for me (not to mention for her too) but I stayed and supported her.

 

And now she got herself better, she's looking great after losing all that weight and now she decides to leave me. I asked her doesn't sticking by her the last couple of years count for anything? And basically I got, "I appreciate it......see ya!"

 

So needless to say, I'm angry, very very depressed and lonely. We have an 11 year old son which I get to have on the weekends, and everyone tells me to concentrate on myself and my son. Even though I love my son very much, he is still not much of a replacement for my soulmate and wife.

 

I've also pretty much kicked my drug abuse, I don't use it regularly, but every once in awhile when I don't think I can stand the pain anymore, I'll take a pill. It helps for awhile and then I'm back to being depressed again.

 

Like many people here, I realize that we may not be right for each other, but I still want her back so much, I can't believe it's over after all the time and energy we have invested in this relationship. But she says she didn't like who she was when she was with me. Now she's off with her friends and new "male friend" having fun, while I'm just sitting here slowing having a nervous breakdown.

 

I'm seeing a psychiatrist (I'm on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds) and also seeing a therapist, neither of which is doing me much good.

I've also learned to stop begging her and have tried to put on a "happy face" whenever I see her. But inside I'm still dying.

 

Well, I think this post is long enough, maybe I can get some encouraging words from you guys. Thanks for reading!

[JamesM]

Welcome to the Board. I am sure you will find some help and comfort here.

 

My initial question is...why do you want to continue a marriage that according to you is "less than perfect?" I am all for keeping a marriage going, but what is your motivation? Your son? DO you love her...really?

 

In the past, has either of you cheated? When did she become overweight? Just recently..or gradually over the years? Did you two ever have fun? What brought about the fun? Why did the two of you get married?

 

Maybe if you went back to the beginnig, you can either find out if you want to stay married deep down and why. If you do, and know why, then you have a motivation to really pursue her.

[Leee]

Hi James and thanks for the welcome.

 

In a nutshell, the reason our marraige was less than perfect was because I didn't pay enough attention to her and she had a lot of baggage from her first marraige and from her childhood. I always said to her that at the core, our relationship was solid, we were best friends and have similar interests and type of humor, but it was all our "stuff" that kept getting in the way.

 

She did cheat on me once a few years ago because she said I wasn't paying enough attention to her sexually, she felt we had become just roommates, and she was right, but sometimes it was hard to be intimate with her both because of her weight and because of her mood. (She used to rage a lot)

 

She was always slightly overweight but after the birth of our son she went up to about 300 pounds and never lost it until a year ago. She's still overweight but at least she has some sort of figure now. I'm still very attracted to her and I think I still love her. And I believe we could probably make things better in our relationship if we both tried.

 

But there is also a part of me that feels like we really don't belong together and that I would be better off with someone else (it's very hard for me to admit that, even to myself) It's also very hard to think clearly when I am feeling so alone and depressed. I would rather be in a shaky marraige then feel so alone that it's painful!

 

I'm trying to get on with my life and not hold out any false hope of getting back together, but the most I can manage is little bits of time throughout the day when I'm not miserable. Like yesterday, I took my son to the movies, for two hours I got my mind off things, but as soon as I got back home I was miserable again. And every morning when I wake up and suddenly remember I'm alone, it's like a punch in the stomach.

 

And as I said, I also feel like it's such a waste to throw away a marraige after all this time. I'm 44 years old and expected to grow old with her. Now its so hard to imagine that I have to start all over again! Plus I live in a very small isolated town, the closest larger town is a half hour away. So my prospects are kind of slim. It's all just very depressing.

[amaysngrace]

She sounds extremely selfish. She sounds as if she thinks she's all that because she lost a bunch of weight and now she wants to strut her stuff. She's forgetting about you boys and only thinking of herself.

 

There is nothing you can do to make a selfish person be more giving. I think she will grow old and die a selfish lady.

 

You should consider yourself lucky, really. To go through life with someone who thinks so much of themselves and so little of others just isn't fair to anybody. She did you a favor.

 

Please get yourself together. There are many loving women out there. Be ready because you never know when one is going to come along.

[Leee]

She sounds extremely selfish. She sounds as if she thinks she's all that because she lost a bunch of weight and now she wants to strut her stuff. She's forgetting about you boys and only thinking of herself.

 

Yes I've been told that several times already. There's no doubt that she's being selfish but on the other hand she's doing what she needs to do for herself, so I can't be too mad about that.....well maybe I can be.

But I know I couldn't be in a relationship with her if she doesn't have her heart in it. I know I need to let go, but I think there will always be a part of me that still hopes she will come back, no matter how badly she's treated me.

[JamesM]

Yes I've been told that several times already. There's no doubt that she's being selfish but on the other hand she's doing what she needs to do for herself, so I can't be too mad about that.....well maybe I can be.

But I know I couldn't be in a relationship with her if she doesn't have her heart in it. I know I need to let go, but I think there will always be a part of me that still hopes she will come back, no matter how badly she's treated me.

 

If she is being selfish, she is not doing what is good for her relationship or her child. Granted if she felt that her marriage was no good, then she may be doing this for her child as well. But I am not reading this.

 

She cheated in the past, she has mood swings, she has been overweight. She is leaving now and cheating. You still love her.

 

I rarely say this because I am one who firmly believe that most relationships can be worked out....but I think from what you have said (and assumning there is something important not being said), that you should move on. Maybe by getting out you will discover a new world and person. And maybe she will rediscover her love for you. But truthfully, if I were you, I would NOT take her back, because I do not think you could trust her again...nor do I think she can be trusted. (And yes, I think she will be back).

[amaysngrace]

I know I need to let go, but I think there will always be a part of me that still hopes she will come back, no matter how badly she's treated me.

 

That's because you're still in the hurt phase. You haven't gotten to the anger phase yet. When you do, you will know you're on your way to getting over her.

 

You have to realize you are sad because of the relationship you wish it was. Not the relationship it really was.

 

She treated you badly. She rages. She took and you gave. You know what? It's because it's the kind of person she is. She's selfish. Don't take it personally. She is the type of person who would most likely treat any other guy just as badly.

 

It's the way she is.

[Leee]

I've always accepted 50% of the blame for the relationship not working. We both have our good and bad points. You could go around and around trying to figure out what happened and why....If I was more attentive, she wouldn't have cheated...If she was more stable, I would have been more attentive....If I was a stronger person, I could have dealt with her negative side. So I don't think what she did in the past was that terrible. I feel terrible because it happened to ME, but she wasn't all to blame.

 

And I have been in the anger stage, but it keeps going back and forth between anger and sadness. And I think it will continue to do that until either we get back together or I find someone else. She's always going to be in my life because of our son, so a clean break is just not possible, I can only minimize my time with her.

 

And as I said before, I'm still feeling very divided. Half of me wants her back (maybe more than half) and the other part thinks that this is for the best. Again, maybe I'll feel differently if and when I meet someone else.

[anna13]

Does she have no interest in coming back to you and the marriage? has she said that she is moving forward and that it is over? she cheated on you before and she is doing it again if she is seeing a guy and having fun . I think that you should change your scenery . move away from this small town your in and move to where there is more to offer you and your son . this doesnt mean the end of things it just means a change you need. I am pretty sure that if she thinks she will lose you she will straighten up , she does sound selfish but she sounds really insecure too , and insecure people like security and you are that security , something she can fall back on when she needs a boost. Don;t give her anymore reasurance that you Love her and need her. just move on like she is never coming back . you can still behave a as married man but you dont have to sit there everyday and wonder where she is and so on . I know you have heard it before but just focus on your son and yourself . a move will do y ou good. and it may be the wake up call she needs. that you arent sitting around tending to her every need anymore and if she gives you up her safety net is gone . believe it or not you have the control of this situation if you believe it or not. just move forward like she isnt coming back .STOP using the vicadin or whatevers . go to the park , the gym , try knew hobbies with your son , volenteer somewhere, go on a vacation with yoru son . problems wont go away but everything doesnt have to be fixed in one day . just do it . dont think too much just get out there and move forward. 44? age is just a number . it is what is in the inside that makes the outside. your W is skinnier on the outside but she is the same insecure person on the inside. she is selfish , she is not only thinking only of herself she isnt thinking about your son . just think about it that way , she is hurting your son through you . don't let her do it .

[Leee]

During the beginning of the separation, actually before she moved out, I asked her several times if there is any chance we would get back together. And she answered me in the typical NA / AA answer (one day at a time) and said that she knows for today she doesn't want to be married anymore. That gave me a little hope in thinking she might change her mind in the near future, but I later realized she was probably just trying to spare my feelings.

 

At another point I asked her if she missed me and she said no, there were certain things about me that she missed but she doesn't miss living with me.

 

But I also get the feeling that she is clinging on to whoever she can get right now, she just happened to meet a guy through her NA meetings. And I learned through the grapevine that he doesn't want to have sex with her (for whatever reason) but she is still clinging on to him.

 

And the reason I don't want to move away is because it would be very hard to see my son on a regular basis. As it is now he lives with me only on the weekends. She gets him all week because she doesn't work (she is still on disability)