Major dilemma in my life.

[suzyqarce]

Hello.

 

I'm in the middle of a very complicated dilemma that's happening in my life at the moment. I'm a 41 year old married female (been married for 19 years) with 3 children (two of which are under 10).

 

I'm currently facing extreme depression. My life is leading it's way down a spiral of self-destruction, and i feel that it won't be long untill it hits rock bottom. I'm indulging myself in things i'd never done before, like drinking & eating excessively per day, smoking, abandoning my residence, using narcotics, etc. I even used to be an ardent health freak, and would wake up each morning for the gym... but now, i can't even find the motivation to partake in a single workout. I've basically lost interest in things i used to fancy. I'm also a very emotional woman who often has trouble controlling her emotions, and have recently been contemplating suicide. I just don't know what to do anymore. Let me explain my dilemma:

 

My husband and i have never really had a passionate relationship - it's always been insolent & distant. We first met at 17, although i moved in with him at 18 in escape from an abusive father. At the time, my husband would literally do everything for me (something i regret). He used to cook, clean, act as a chaffeur and even pay my bills. We went on and had 3 kids - one of 17, another of 9 & the other of 6 - over our marriage spans, albeit, it seemed as if our relationship dimished per child that we had. Part of the reason was because of his passiveness & lack of strictness towards our childrens' misbehavior - he hardly put discipline & would let them get away with murder. This would literally bring out the worst in me, and made me yell & scowl at him with every chance that i got. It got to the point where i thought about divorcing, but objected those thoughts after figuring that i probably wouldn't have been able to survive on my own (he always did everything & made me feel secure).

 

Our relationship grew worse overtime, and he was finally showing his true colors; colors that were quite blurry to me when i was younger. I'll admit that i was very naive and completely oblivious to many of the negative features that my husband possessed. With age however, came wisdom, and i've now fully realized how big a role my naivity has played with the bad decisions i've made in life.

 

My husband is a manipulative liar who uses people for his benefit. He hasn't but one bill under his name - he puts them all under his relatives' names to avoid longterm financial conflict. He owes money to a trillion collection agencies and is constantly late in paying our house rent (we've almost lost it twice). He's the epitome of a close-minded dunce who lacks the intelligence capacity to reason logically. He's extremely bitter, and will fight with anyone, anywhere, anytime - even if he's dead wrong at point. He puts emotion in front of reason, and likes injecting fear into people (especially into me). He's recently been calling my mother and leaving threatening messages on her answering machine; messages aimed at "destroying" her with "witchcraft." And when she doesn't pick it up, he mocks her and goes on about how she's scared to talk to him. He drinks & drives at night, and once actually crashed while intoxicated. He woke up the next morning and couldn't remember what he'd crashed into. He was paranoid because he thought he'd hit an animal or human and left them for dead. He fails to learn from mistakes, and has since began drinking and driving again.

 

I've had enough, and want to pursue happiness. I don't have any feelings for my husband anymore. We've basically been living together because of a stupid marriage document saying that we have to do so... and because of our kids. Other than that, there is no relationship. There hasn't been in years, and i've been very depressed and unhappy since. I try as much to avoid him when in the house, and when we do come in contact, we start to argue heatedly. It's literally gotten to the point where he doesn't allow me to eat the food he cooks anymore. We've neither slept in the same bed nor have had sex in years. And all the while, our children are living in this disgustingly unhealthy environment, absorbing all the negative energy & elements within the. I ardently cry & beg him for change each day; for a divorce, separation, anything that would take us away from ourselves - but he won't comply or agree. He wants me to simply "leave the house," however, i've been told by several that i could lose my children & marital assets if i did so. He's a coward - fueled by fear - who'd rather continue fighting each day in front of his children and leading his wife closer to suicide than doing the logical thing and separating/divorcing. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I'm leaving every other day as a result of my depression, going to my mother's house, drinking /smoking excessively - anything to avoid him, and now he's hinted hiring a private investigator who's supposedly taking pictures/video of me when i do leave, boasting about how he'd use this as evidence to prove that i don't "provide" for my children. And he's doing all this with hopes of attaining custody over our children in court somehow. I could tell you that my children are my first priority, and that i probably do more for them in a few days than he's ever done in a month. I prepare them for school, feed them breakfast & lunch, help them w/ hw, etc. Infact, the only reason i do leave is to avoid the daily, heated arguments that succomb between us, and the unhappiness that comes in knowing that the source of my depression is just a few yards away from me, living & breathing in the same house.

 

Yet, no matter how many times i cry in front of him, or beg for change, he remains completely unemotioned & unmoved. Instead of helping a vulnerable, depressed human being who's killing herself each day with cigarettes & alcohol, he threatens & injects fear into her of future instability. It's as if he doesn't realize how depressed i truely am, or how much collateral dammage we're actually doing by living together. And no matter how hard you try reasoning with him, he'll revert back to his infamous one-liner: "you have to leave." Ergo, I want change; a divorce, separation, something, anything... but he doesn't. Instead, he wants me to leave the house, and that is something i disagree with (and with good reason). As a result of these differences, we're constantly going back to square one, and the vicious cycles of destruction continue. He's completely closed to any negotiations.

 

With that being said, i sincerely ask: what can i do to help myself in this situation? How can i remove myself from this complicated dilemma; this cancer that grows per day? I want to pursue happiness, i don't want to continue living in misery. Should i take the children to my mother's house, and when/if he calls the police, explain to them my situation? Should i just leave? What can i do?

 

Sorry for the long message.

 

Thank you

[Guest]

You need to get professionals involved. And you need to stop listening to him.

Get a lawyer immediately and get advice. Get a therapist while you're at it. But first get a lawyer and find out what your rights are. And quit trying to cry, beg, plead, whatever to get him back. You're trying to reason with someone who seems incapable of reason. In fact, it sounds to me that he might be mentally ill. Whatever the reason for his issues, he is NOT going to change.

 

So instead of all this drama, go talk to a lawyer. Why you have resorted to

"drinking & eating excessively per day, smoking, abandoning my residence, using narcotics" instead of just seeing a lawyer is beyond me but quit doing all that other junk and start working towards solving this.

[Skeptical]

I agree. It sounds like your husband is mentally ill. Has he always behaved like this? You are probably self-medicating by drinking, using drugs, etc. You should see a doctor for a diagnosis of depression as well as medication. Why won't he leave insteading of asking you to? Also, have you thought about turning him in to the authorities for all of his dirty dealings? Don't be afraid to get outside help. You are not alone. As for living with your mom, maybe you could try it. But it might be worse. And he might be able to use it against you later. You need to check into the law. Until you take action, you are only contributing to your own downfall.

[Sup]

I agree wholeheartedly with the other poster here. Contact a lawyer, get some mental health help for yourself too, you cannot force your husband to get help, but you can get help for yourself, don't hurt yourself at all, give up on the drinking and smoking, OK? That'll destroy you more if you don't give that up, like I said ask your lawyer about what YOUR rights are, what he is doing is called MENTAL ABUSE! It's also messing up your children, they'll need counseling too. There IS better, DON'T give up. Hang in there. By the way, do you go to a church?

Oh, and make sure that your husband can't find this site, OK?

[anna13]

i think you should seek professional help for your depression . they will give you medication if nessesary. I would have to say from the outside looking in , that you should move out and possibly file for divorce. i usually would not say to do that but this situation and reading about your husband it is just my instinct to say to leave. Move in with your mother, and then speak to an attorney . you may not be able to see your kids at first but let me just say no matter what your husband says about you losing your kids, you will never "lose" them . they know who their mother is. also i think ifyou talk to an attorney you will have visitation worse case scenario. the attorney will be able to tell you what will happen . If you are so unhappy that you are thinking about suicide , then moving out and seeing your kids once in a while is a much better option. you have to take care eof yourself to take care of your kids. Depression is something that you cannot snap out of yourself . it is an illness. can be caused from all you have been through with your own family and your current situation. I know you are scared to not be able to see your kids , but right now you have to take care of yourself to take care of them . dont think of it as listening to your H , this is something you need to do for yourself. please hang in there, there is light ahead in this dark tunnel your in ! you just have to get there. don;t give up on yourself! . . I agree with the above poster , make sure your H cannot find this site. come back here for support.

[kbah]

Please don't kill yourself. I, too, have struggled with suicidal thoughts and always come out feeling relief that I stayed strong and did not go through with it.

 

I promise this will someday be resolved for you.

 

You need some help from professionals and you have the power to get it. Just ask for it.

 

Best wishes and luck...

keep us posted because we really do care

[Antha]

This man is a sociopath!!!! Take your kids and RUN. As you are both parents of the children, you have an equal right to them. You have every right to take them with you since you ARE THEIR MOTHER. Call the non-emergency police number. They will confirm this for you. Call a lawyer and get you and your kids to your mother's house. Seriously.

 

Nothing you can do will change a sociopath. They do not feel regret, guilt, or remorse. They are, however, capable of pretending to feel those emotions, but they do not. Nothing you can say or do will have any effect on someone like this.

 

For the safety of your kids and yourself, you need to remove yourself from this situation NOW. You both have a right to stay in the house, so if he doesn't want to leave, even the police won't make him unless he hits you or something (and you don't want that). The house is not worth it. Nothing material is worth staying in this situation, which sounds quite dangerous to me. Escape now and don't look back.

[mental_traveller]

Speak to someone who knows the law, and explain what you've told us. They will be able to give you clear advice based on your legal rights. Until you do that, you haven't a clue what your options are. Also, visit your doctor and say you want to be assessed for whether or not you are suffering depression.

[jmargel]

Suicide is never an answer but I can understand what you are going through, as I was suicidal for about a year myself. I know what it feels like, the dark tunnel with no light at the end. You don't look forward to the next week, nevertheless the next day. You have resigned yourself to a doom that you can't fathom of ever getting out of. You feel so hurt because life has so much to offer, yet you are stuck.. in this 'existance'..

 

Now from my experience this is the hardest part of it all, to gain the motivation to make changes necessary to allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy life again. What your husband is doing is using fear to keep you in the house. He's not treating you with respect, love, companionship, everything that you deserve. Though what he is doing is hurting you deeply, the reasons he's doing it is because he has extreme emotional and possible mental problems. This is something you can't fix and the only way he would ever change if he acknowledged all his problems and started individual counseling.

 

However, like you mentioned he is not at this state. He has not hit rock bottom, he is too self-absorbed and his immaturity is shining through. It's time to let go of that and grant yourself peace in the fact that his problems are just exactly that.. his.

 

What you need to do for yourself is to set short-term goals on what you want to do with your life. I believe your first goal is to stop listening to all his propaganda and contact a lawyer for yourself. Then to contact a counselor who will see you on a regular basis. Once you get the 'true' facts about what rights you have I can guarantee that you will feel that you will start to feel that you are getting your life back. I know one of the worst things to face besides an abusive spouse is an unknown future but I can promise that it would never be as bad as your imagination lets it.

 

Don't beat yourself up over the time 'lost'.. Use it as an experience so that you can grow & learn from it. The road you have ahead of you is quite long, but it can be traveled, and it has by many that have been in your situation.

 

Besides instead of killing yourself, wouldn't you want to see his face when you have gotten your life back, showing that you are a much better person without his manipulative ways? You deserve better and you will get it, if you let yourself try.