Guest Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 One thing I love about this forum is the freedom to say what I'm feeling. In a nutshell, I am a dysfunctional loser! I'm 39, single, no kids, bulimic. I've pushed all my friends away because the last thing I want is people on my doorstep when I'm trying to throw up. I have severe self-hate. I feel like I'm not a normal, happy or well-adjusted person but for the most part, people see me as someone who is "sweet" but I'm really hating my life. I have no clue how to get unstuck. I feel powerless because I feel like: I wouldn't CHOOSE to be this way, but obviously I must be choosing? I am torn between how much control I have over the horrible life I'm leading re: is my brain chemistry? I look at people who seem happy and well-adjusted and it just seems to be "how they are", it's how/who they've always been. I am really despairing and not sure what to do. Thanks for reading/listening.
amaysngrace Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I was a bulimic too. It's hard to let it go because somehow it becomes your identity. It's like a friend to you. It's who you are. But, it's self-destructing. The thing I found out about bulimia is that is a band-aid for a bigger problem. You can throw up until your eyes are bleeding, but it's not going to make the problems go away. You really need to get into some sort of counseling. I went through a psychotherapist to help me identify the 'real' issue. Once you can pinpoint why you are a bulimic, you can learn ways to change the situation.
Kamille Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 One thing I love about this forum is the freedom to say what I'm feeling. In a nutshell, I am a dysfunctional loser! I'm 39, single, no kids, bulimic. I've pushed all my friends away because the last thing I want is people on my doorstep when I'm trying to throw up. I have severe self-hate. I feel like I'm not a normal, happy or well-adjusted person but for the most part, people see me as someone who is "sweet" but I'm really hating my life. I have no clue how to get unstuck. I feel powerless because I feel like: I wouldn't CHOOSE to be this way, but obviously I must be choosing? I am torn between how much control I have over the horrible life I'm leading re: is my brain chemistry? I look at people who seem happy and well-adjusted and it just seems to be "how they are", it's how/who they've always been. I am really despairing and not sure what to do. Thanks for reading/listening. One of my friend and co-worker seems to have been going through something similar for the last year and and and... And I just wish I knew what to do to help her out but, as you can guess, she's shut me out. I'm sorry for what could qualify as threadjacking, but if you could offer any advice on how someone could reach out to someone going through what you are going through, I would really appreciate it. I care for her, as I'm sure your friends care for you, but I'm clueless as to how to be her friend.
BuckeyeBabe Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Try to remember that those people who seem happy and well adjusted may not be! Everybody puts their best face forward. Don't ever feel alone, you are probably in a majority!!
Kamille Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I agree with Buckeye babe. We all have our issues and problems. What I wish I could say to my friend is that I wish she wasn't so demanding of herself. or so hard on herself. I wish she would accept herself, quirks and all. I wish she would realize that no one out there gets to define what being 'normal' and happy is. That she gets to define that. That there is nothing fundamentally wrong with her. She's going through a hard time. I wish she had faith that her feelings about herself can change. I wish she would allow her feelings about herself to change. I wish she could spend less time worrying about how others might perceive her and more time being in the present moment with them. I wish I understood by what yardstick she measures herself. It's so obvious to me that she's a brilliant, beautiful, vivacious woman and yet she is always putting herself down. I wish she would question those goals she sets for herself. I wish she had a better relationship to her body. That she could enjoy her body for how it feels. For the pleasures it provides her. (sexual and other) I guess I'm saying I wish she knew how to be confortable in her body. I wish she would believe us when we tell her that she is funny, loved, appreciated, beautiful. For some reasons, she never hears those compliments. But then sometimes she will try to test our love for her- i don't know how to explain this - and for some reason we never seem to pass the test. It doesn't work that way. Love just is. I wish she compared herself to others less. I wish she would turn to someone for help. And accept their help. I hope she knows she doesn't have to feel this way. I hope she knows she's not stuck there.
Green Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I hate you too you loser! now that I have that out of the way I'll say excuse me and ask you to go get counsling. and I dont really hate you, I dont even know you accept from your loser description of yourself, and I know your cooler than that. believe me I just know so dont argue
justagirlforever Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I can only reiterate what amaysngrace said word for word. I too suffered (and made myself suffer) from bulimia and anorexia for (what seems like) the vast majority of my life. It controlled and ruled my life. I felt like I had no life. For many many years. And I do believe anyone who truely suffered from this, will never be totally rid of it (as if it never happened). A bit like a recovered alcoholic I guess (or any additcion) - you have to know your weaknesses and triggers. But before you even reach that stage, you need to go for councelling. You need to *want* to. And also explore the possibility of medical help. I was one Prozac (for a couple of years) and it truly changed my life. It gave me the crutch to kick-start. It's not for all and may not be for you - but it may be an option. You cannot make this journey on your own. But I'm very sure you probably know this already. If it gives you any hope, I'm a long way away from where I was in those dark controlling years. In fact, it's nearly impossible for me to now understand how I felt back then. I still have my diaries I kept over that period and reading back now and again, I'm reading about the life of a stranger. But it took the strength to sink or swim. And I chose to swim Best of luck & strength.
johan Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 One thing I love about this forum is the freedom to say what I'm feeling. In a nutshell, I am a dysfunctional loser! The other thing that is so great about this forum is that it shows how much total strangers actually care. You might never know that otherwise. No one wants to see you go through this. The best I can offer is that I hope you do find a way out. I wish you the best.
Xhie Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I had problems with eating disorders aswell, it started when I was younger and in dance classes, for some screwed up reason it was totally normal for 12 year old girls to through up in my school. After that it just stuck. I spent years saying I have it as a result of dance and that I didnt know what to do to make it stop. We all know that was bs, but it took me years to learn that that was bs. I know this may sound silly but, it went away on its own when I did two things: 1) Really learned how to love myself. 2) Found something better to do with my time. (Kung fu in my case)
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