Dealing With Her Past

[Jiveturkey]

Well here I am again, with more info than I should have probably ever found out about and it's killing me. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months now and she is awesome except for all her "baggage". Ok, so here's what i'm trying to deal with. Basically she still hangs out with alot of her ex's, and more. My girlfriend is friends with 2 of her post virginity ex's (approx. 3 years ago), one guy that she revenge banged when she got drunk and had a one night stand to get back at one of the 2 guys she dated after he dumped her (again about 3 yrs ago). I also have to live with her 2 month rebound 6 months out of the year (housemate in college)(happened about a year ago).

 

There's 2 more guys she dated in high school that she hangs out with that nothing really happened with. I had a really hard time dealing with the rebound this summer but think I finally got over it enough to stay together. However she told me the other day about a month before we got together (April 2006) she had a threesome with two of her best friends, one of which is her exs from 3 years ago, not the one that dumped her. They're engaged and apprently he has always held the fact that his fiance had a threesome like 4 yrs ago agaisnt her and he wanted to do one before they got married. So they asked my current girlfriend and she agreed as a "favor" since they are all such good friends.(BTW my g/f is bi). It happened the first time and then apparently once more 2 weeks after when they all got drunk. They're still best friends and I've hung out with them on multiple occasions, they actually just got married abou 2 months ago. I'm devastated by the fact that she chose to do this, not to mention the awkwardness of hanging out with all of her sexual partners.

 

She's even been with most of the girls she hangs with (like 2 or 3 not including the 3 some). So that makes 2 ex's, one drunk bang, 2 semi-ex's, 2 or 3 girls she's fooled around with, the dude she had a rebound with that lives with me half the year, and the 2 threesomes she had with her 1 ex and his fiance(practically her best friends). I think that about covers it. Really the only things that really erk me are the threesomes and the rebound. I don't know if I can handle all this baggage. I'd like to put the past in the past, but it isn't in the past, these guys/girls are still a major part of her life, with the exception of the rebound who is a part of my life(until june 2007). I don't really think of her as a slut or anything, she really is a decent chick but I've never met a girl who kept so many ties with her ex's. Right now i'm really trying to cope with the 3some thing, she said that she won't hang out with them for a while so i can try and work things out in my head but, but isn't ready to cut them out of her life.

 

I just can't believe she actually agreed to a 3some with her ex of 3 yrs and his fiance, on the basis that it would really help they're relationship, which supposedly it did. I didn't meet her until about half way through the rebound she had with my house mate. Then we didn't hang out for like 4 months, which was when the 3 somes happened. Once we met back up when I went back to school we hit off huge and started dating. She is absolutely in love with me and willing to do just about anything to keep me around, I feel the same way, but I don't know if I can deal with the pain/"jealousy" anymore, I'm tired of thinking about this crap and tired of being angry/sad about it, but I don't want it to end because of this. It doesn't help that she is my first real girlfriend and my sexual past is rather limited, so this the first time I've had to deal with these kinds of feelings. Any advice is appreciated.

[ddnnee]

i see you have posted a ton about your gf's past. I see almost all of your recent posts were about this topic. in one of the posts i said before was you need all 3 - past present and future to make something works. now that you found out your gf is a slut... what will you do now?

 

if it bugs you that much, then are you strong enough to let go of her and find someone else? remember that your girlfriend and her past will haunt you in the future. If you cannot deal with her past, best let her go.

 

Sometimes I think there are many girls out there like your girlfriend who has the same mentality = f+ck and enjoy life then find a dumb@ss to settle down in the future.

 

are you this dumb@ss, jiveturkey? if you are, then you would keep this chick.

[Jiveturkey]

She's not really a slut. She dated the 2 guys 3 years ago and made the mistake of getting drunk and banging one of his friends to get revenge. After that she dated the same guy for almost 3 years and then when they broke up for the final time she had the 2 month rebound with the guy I live with (partially revenge as well) and now the 3some thing. She's completely trust worthy it just makes me sick to think about the 3 of them together or my housemate with her.

[Guest]

For some this can be a painful subject and there are many views on how it should be handled. I have been in this situation and did a lot of soul searching as a result. I boiled it down to two main groups of issues: 1) has to do with your values - why this stuff bothers you. You need to think why? 2) has to do with why she wanted you to know what you know - was telling you about all this relevant and necessary to your current relationship? There are other ways to parse it out but a third idea (which to me fits under the first category ) is why she engaged in this sort of behavior. If you are okay with it then your values are in line. If not, then your and her values are inapposite. If you cannot reconcile them then you need to move on.

I frankly think this woman has serious boundary issues. She is way too involved on way too many levels with way too many people. Call it what you like, but this would severely conflict with my value system (which largely can be summed up as "monogamous") so I would move on. Hard pill to swallow but I would be true to myself. I say this from experience and do not regret the choice I made in that regard.

[Jiveturkey]

Well, I'm dealing with it a little better, when I originally posted I was devastated, but it still hurts, hopefully it will fade more as time goes on, it's only been about 3 days. I suppose I have a problem with two things. First is the rebound she had. She basically had sex with my housemate for 2 months in order to get over her ex of 2 years. She eventually realized that it was going nowhere and that she had gotten herself into a horrible mess and broke it off with him. I can't really understand what she was going through since I've never had my "heartborken". Apparently the whole idea of what happened between them was that she was trying to convince herself that she was over her ex as well as it originally occuring when she was really drunk and angry at her ex one night and just kind of took it from there. She did know him decently well, almost a month or so before it happened, it wasnt like they met one night and started banging. The other thing that bothers me is the threesome. She's really a relationship kind of girl. She's never really had a one night stand with the exception of the drunk revenge bang she had like 3 or 4 years ago and she actually knew him since highschool. It bothers me that she would find it ok to have a threesome with them, or that she would even want to, especially with the history between her and the guy, which she somehow thinks makes it more acceptable since they had already been together 3 yrs prior (they ended up breaking it off because there was too much drama between one of his/her friends that she dated in high school that was still madly in love with her). Supposedly she did it for the girl since they're best friends and she really wanted to do it for her fiance before they got married. Apparently they discussed it alot before and it was supposed to be mostly a show for the dude but in the heat of the moment it turned into more until my g/f called it off cause it "got wierd". She doesn't really remember the second time cause she was so drunk. She thinks she ended up passing out before much actually happened. But it just seems so odd to me that she could justify a sexual experience like that with friendship, it's not like her to do that. I see what you mean as far as boundaries. Turns out that other than her first, that is everyone shes ever been with. So that makes 3 out of the 6 guys she's been with she's still good friends with and 1 which still lives with me half the year. I don't think it's so much the thressome thing that bothers me if it would have been with someone she was in a relationship with, in fact we have even had talks of having one. It's more that she was the third girl in one. It seems so trashy to me, it makes me sick to think about her offering herself up for their pleasure. Even if I do get over it I don't think I'll be able to remain good friends with the couple she had it with, would just be too hard. Tell me if I'm being unreasonable or not cause she thinks I'm overreacting, she thinks I'm acting like she cheated on me or something. She only told me about all this stuff cause the little stuff I had found out on my own (accidentally) was already bothering me and I told her I wanted to know all the past with everyone she still associated with so I wouldn't be paranoid about it anymore when I met people. That's when she layed pretty much her entire past on me, which she vowed never to do, but chose too inorder to try and ease my already frustrated mind. So essentially I asked. Anyway, I'm still taking any advice or insights I can get so lay it on me.

[Walk]

I think you are being unreasonable. But your feelings are there, and you can't just forget, so no matter how "unreasonable" it is, it's causing you pain.

 

Logic and rational are not much help in this situation.

 

How about counseling? Together or seperately? See if talking about it can dislodge some of these feelings so that you can move past it.

[Guest]

She basically had sex with my housemate for 2 months in order to get over her ex of 2 years.

 

Do you really want to get involved with this woman??? Sheesh. Forget about how you "feel" about her, step back and ask yourself that question. This is nothing against her as I don't know her but you obviously have MAJOR ISSUES with her. You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[Jiveturkey]

There has to be more opinions on this situation than the 3 I've gotten. Just put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel? What would you do? I've already told myself if it was any normal girl it would have been over or never even started in the first place, so what does that mean. Do I care about this girl enough to deal with it? Is it even possible to accept it? Does it change how I view her or my relationship with her? I have so many questions and no answers.

[Jiveturkey]

Do you really want to get involved with this woman??? Sheesh. Forget about how you "feel" about her, step back and ask yourself that question. This is nothing against her as I don't know her but you obviously have MAJOR ISSUES with her. You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

I really don't have any issues with her other than these few decsions she's made. I'm not sure if I need her to regret them or what. She's already told me on multiple occasions that she ****ed up when she decided to what she calls "casual date" my housemate. She was really ****ed up in the head at the time apparently (the whole heartbreak thing) and was just looking for anybody. They really were practically dating, it just wasn't anything official and it fizzled after the first month or so to a purely sexual relationship until she broke it off. She doesn't regret the 3 some and sees absolutley nothing wrong with it, other than that it went a little further than what she had wanted/planned, but says if she knew it would have been such an issue (with me) she would have never done it. At the time she wasn't thinking about being in a relationship 2 months later, she was worried about how it would affect the relationship the 3 of them had. The fact of the matter is, nobody likes being around their significant others ex partners. I'm not saying it's impossible to get over what happened in the past between them and maintain a working relationship with them without feeling anger/jealousy/pain but for many people it is to hard to be worth the trouble. I think that this is my biggest obstacle. It's not as much getting over what happened in her past, I know I can "forgive"/accept what she's done and the few mistakes she's made but I don't know if I can deal with the constant reminder of them through the association with the people involved. Sometimes I also think what bothers me is that she choses to still be involved with these people. Her excuse is that she really cares about them and even though things didn't work out for one reason or another romantically she doesn't see that as any reason for completely removing them from her life. I suppose I can understand that to a point, but at the same time it shows me that she has no regrets about some of the mistakes she's made. Honestly who wants to be constantly reminded of your lousy decisions by remaining in conact with those you made them with? I know I've made a decision or two I've regreted, and I certainly would not want to be reminded of them all the time by associating with the people I made them with. Any thoughts on these point of views? Am I looking at the situation wrong?

 

I talked to her the other night about how I felt and how her past and choice to associate with her ex's makes me feel and she told me that it's something you just have to learn to deal with, and isn't uncommon. Her last serious boyfriend supposedly was still friends with a number of his ex's and they we're supposedly mean to her and one even was still trying to get back with him. I asked her how she dealt with it and she said that she just had to. It wasn't worth sacrificing the relationship over it or feeling like crap about it and making both of you feel like crap and essentially jeopardizing the relationship. There wasn't any specific thing that let her be fine with it, she just forced herself to. That and if she said something he would just tell her she was being immature, since she was about 2 or 3 years younger than him (she's always dated older men, usually 2 to 3 yrs, in case that means anything). She's been ridiculously supportive, and understanding about all the issues I have but can only deal with me making her feel like crap about them for only so long. She's believes that everything happens for a reason and thinks that this will only make our relationship stronger once I get through it, but I'm not so sure she has the right reason. Maybe the reason this stuff happened is because I wasn't meant to be with her, as much as I hate to be a pessimist, its a definite possibility. But now I'm just rambling. Let me know if you guys have any more thoughts on the situation.

[Walk]

Your last sentence jumped out at me. You think people are "meant to be together"? LIke somebody up top has this incredibly complex scheme, with diagrams and flow charts that dictate which person out of the 6 billion we're "supposed" to be with? hahah

 

Its cute. But the truth is you make the best of what you've got, and if you want this relationship to work, then focus on making it the best relationship you can. The more you focus on the past, the larger the past becomes. If you put even half the time into thinking about the now as you do the past, then you might have something wothwhile.

 

Plus, the stronger you build your relationship, the less those ex's and other little crap is going to matter.

 

Look into cognitive behavior therapy. People with negative inner voices use that to help re-condition the way they think into a more positive frame.

 

Start asking yourself some questions and if you even think there might be the slightest possibility that there's some truth behind your answer, then follow it. Write down the quesiton and your answer. Ie: Why are you bothered by her past? Because you are jealous that you didn't get to experience it. Why? because you wanted to feel like you were more experienced then your partner. Why? Because men are supposed to be that way toward sex. Why do you have to buy into that rational? Because your a man.. because.. it's a fallacy and you really don't and having more experience isn't an issue. etc. etc. etc. etc. Just keep asking why. Write down whatever comes to your mind. The deeper you follow this, the closer you'll get to the true reason that it bothers you. Don't censor your thoughts on this. Even if they are negative toward your gf, or to yourself. Just follow it without bias. Don't judge yourself for what you write, just be honest. Thats what's important.

 

I find that helps alot when I'm feeling a certain way and can't figure out why. Writing helps me to form my thoughts, and direct them into a more complete idea.. whereas just thinking it sometimes I get off track or lost in two many thoughts at once.. Writing helps me focus.

[norajane]

You said you've never been heartbroken. Lucky you...or maybe not...if you had ever had your heart broken, maybe you'd have a clearer picture of what's most important to you here: being with your girl, or being without her.

 

You can't do anything to change her past. Your only choice is whether to have her in your life or not. How would you feel if she was no longer in your life?

[Madaline]

if it bugs you that much, then are you strong enough to let go of her and find someone else? remember that your girlfriend and her past will haunt you in the future. If you cannot deal with her past, best let her go.

 

Thats good advice. This girl sure does get around huh... Well she does have a lot of baggage and what makes you think that you wouldn't become part of it? And then to top it off she still has ties and your living with one of them. IMO This is one girl you should leave alone and this is one messed up situation. Sorry but thats how I see it.

[Jiveturkey]

I don't neccesarily buy into that whole everything happens for a reason, but it's a nice thought. I'm pretty agnostic about stuff like that.

 

As far as writing down a q and a I haven't tried writing it down but I've definitly thought about it on multiple occasions. I think alot of my issues due extended from my lack of experience in relationships and my perfectionist persona. I need a girl who has a strong set of morals, particularily when it comes to sex for some reason. I've definitly done a lot of crap in my past that was morally wrong mostly involving drugs and authority issues, which doesn't bother me for some reason, but I guess sex is just a really personal thing for me and I want the person I'm with to feel the same way. I'm not saying she doesn't feel that way but sometimes I question whether we have similair enough views on teh subject to make it work. Like I said she's never really had a one night stand, she's personally known everyone she's been with fairly well, and dated almost all of them. I wouldn't say she gets around either, she's only been with 8 guys in 4 years including me(forgot one boyfriend when I posted the other day that was between the 2 ex's). I consider that a pretty low number, hardly "getting around". It just so happens the majority of those guys are all in the same group of friends and still around. She doesn't think it's odd at all for this to happen, she said something like "if you hang out with the same group of people long enough they're bound to end up dating each other like the show "Friends"". I never had this kind of experience so I wouldn't really know but it doesn't seem completely legit, I've had plenty of friends for a long time that I never dated, we we're just friends and thats it. There's no getting around the fact that it's a mess of a situation, just a matter if it's worth it.

[IpAncA]

if you hang out with the same group of people long enough they're bound to end up dating each other like the show "Friends"".

 

O really, she said that huh. Just think about what she said. I have guy friends and trust me I don't date them nor do I want to. I do have boundries and self control.

 

If you think she is worth it then go ahead and date her. Sounds like your not so sure yourself. You first post that this girl has a baggage (which she does) and then later you try and say that she isn't this or isn't that.

 

You need to think about what you want in a girl and relationship and then compare it to this girl. If she fits then go ahead. If not then move on to someone else.