freshlillies Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Well what can i say that probably hasnt been already said in this forum about how one feels after a break up. A little background. We were together for 2 years, he was my best friend. Unfortunetly our relationship was long distance, in the start for the 1st year we saw eachother every 2 - 3 weeks for about 6 days at a time. In the 2nd year we saw eachother every 3 - 4 weeks for 6 or more days at a time. So lets just say we saw eachother 7 days out of the month. So we managed to keep in contact fairly well. Hes extremly busy with his work and is very dedicated to his art and tours all over the world all the time or works insanly long hours in the studio, we spent talking on the phone everyday in those 2 years plus the 4 months before we got together when we were just friends. We ended the relationship 4 days ago, and i flew back home. We had plans for me to come out there for a few months in January to see how we get along on a day to day level. And maybe see what the next step for us was. Now the break up - He was very busy with work as i was there already 4 days and had not spend any alone time with him yet, except when sleeping. So i got a bit mad and in the middle of getting mad he said to me " i am starting to think this janurary thing is just not going to work for me or us " and just like that he said " i am done " i was crushed, went into a panic attack then an insane crying spell. we spent the next two days holding eachother, kissing, being nice to one another from far away we looked inlove .. me crying .... two days passed then it was time to say goodbye we held eachother for a long time at the airport, kissed and said " i love you, always will you were the best thing thats happened to me in a long time " he also said all that to me and he said " thank you for being there for me you have helped me more then you will ever know, i am not abandoning you, i will see you again and we will talk sooner then later i hope, but right now i want to be alone if the hottest model knocked on my door i would shut it, i dont want any girls i wanna be alone for a year or more and just write music, so this isnt you.. i just wanna be alone " and just like that i walked away and got on a plane ............... and now he is gone out of my life. He sent me a happy thanksgiving text and talked to me on aim the other night saying things to me like " i am attracted to you , you are the best girlfriend ive had, i do love you so much you dont even know how much i love you, but we are victims of circumstance and its not so easy its not just black and white anymore, i need to be alone and find out who i am and just focus on music " he went on to say " i want us to be good friends , and i mean that from the bottom of my heart... we share a deep connection and i hope we can get over this first bump on our road to being friends " ****KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ..... my heart is bleeding as i write this. We were so happy together, i loved everything about him, he was a special and wonderful person..even our break up had no yelling and nothing negative about it he was so ****ing nice during the break up and even now.. we simply just let eachother go. I miss him so much, everything reminds me of him and i cant stop crying, i am a mess, cant sleep or eat. Starting to feel depressed. I am sure i am not the only one that feels this way. Ive had people say " you will meet someone new " truth is i dont want anyone new, i want him he WAS my perfect match, for the 1st time i saw myself wanting to marry someone and have their children... we didnt have a bad relationship, if anything it felt so close like a family member. I know the distance had 60% to do with this break up and another 30% was him being afraid to commit. Why did he just freak out and not give us a chance in January to see how we got along everyday. Our dynamic was special, and i feel not only that i have lost my best friend but also my lover and my life companion. why did this have to happen, why did he have to just give up sorry to make this so long, i just had to let it out, i guess this is the 1st step to healing. i want more then anything in the world to heal from missing him, so that i can truly just be his friend and again be happy in my life... and who knows if you let it go with love maybe theres always a chance for it to come back down the road again. thank you for reading this take care
justagirlforever Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 "i am attracted to you , you are the best girlfriend ive had, i do love you so much you dont even know how much i love you, but we are victims of circumstance and its not so easy its not just black and white anymore, i need to be alone and find out who i am and just focus on music " he went on to say " i want us to be good friends , and i mean that from the bottom of my heart... we share a deep connection and i hope we can get over this first bump on our road to being friends " ****KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ..... my heart is bleeding as i write this. We were so happy together, i loved everything about him, he was a special and wonderful person..even our break up had no yelling and nothing negative about it he was so ****ing nice during the break up and even now.. we simply just let eachother go. I miss him so much, everything reminds me of him and i cant stop crying, i am a mess, cant sleep or eat. Starting to feel depressed. I am sure i am not the only one that feels this way. Ive had people say " you will meet someone new " truth is i dont want anyone new, i want him he WAS my perfect match, for the 1st time i saw myself wanting to marry someone and have their children... we didnt have a bad relationship, if anything it felt so close like a family member. Our dynamic was special, and i feel not only that i have lost my best friend but also my lover and my life companion. freshlillies, I feel your immense pain and confusion. Those words I quoted above could (and in particular the bold) just about word for word have been the conversation between my now (nearly 2 weeks) ex and my thoughts (apart from the music bit ). But on one thing I disagree. I think his inability to commit and wanting to make it work, was 99.9% of his reason - and the distance a 0.1%. If he truly wanted your relationship to work, he would have given it his all. I'm a firm believer in "where there's a will, there's a way". But he clearly cannot - and wants to be on his own and sort things out - get some answers of his own for himself. That's nothing you can give him. He's obviously very clear about this. Do you think you could or would want to remain friends with him? I know that that the situation isn't the same, but there are many similarities. If you wanted to read what I've been going through, here's my recent thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t104592/ Like me, just come here and keep writing. ((All the best))
Author freshlillies Posted November 25, 2006 Author Posted November 25, 2006 thank you for the above words, i am so use to seeing negative breakups on this board... thats its refreshing to connect to someone who like me didnt have a bad relationship or breakup but that it just ended out of the blue. i think you are right, if he realy wanted me i would be there in january. your ex was adopted so that must add to it all. my ex, was engaged to a girl before he met me.... he was with her for 1 year and his and her family were constantly on their case about getting married so he didnt want to but aske her. 2.5 years after being together he breaks up with her.. for a good reason, she cheated on him and was trying to change him.. .telling him to stop working, how to dress, not letting his friends over at the house becuase she hated them all. truth is she was insane. alot of his friends tell me he is deeply deeply messed up by his last relationship... but why do i have to eat up all the dirt from his past? i was so wonderful, careing, respectful and loving towards him. he told me that our break up was inevitable, he said he couldnt see himself getting married to me 10 years from now or even 5, that he clicked with me but that sometimes he felt that he didnt ( funny he says that since he also said we had such a deep and profound connection and all of his friends tell me how close we looked ) he is looking for something just as your ex, something to make him want to jump of a car and proclaim his love. but the truth is, no relationship is perfect and if you atleast have , love, respect, admiration, trust, communication and a great sex life .... why throw all that away ? i checked his myspace page today, he finaly changed his status to single, but still has me on his top 8. I also saw that he deleated the photos of me and him but left one up where we are just jumping on eachother in a parking lot ...... i dont want to check his page anymore it hurts to much.
justagirlforever Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 but why do i have to eat up all the dirt from his past? You shouldn't and mustn't. It doesn't do your selfesteem any good. You cannot make his baggage go away or solve his personal issues. Some people can never let go of baggage. Letting go of baggage means you don't beat yourself up for the past. Accept it, learn from it and strive to not make the same mistakes again. But baggage most importantly stems from people who do not fully accept and love themselves and have "issues" they haven't dealt with. My own ex for instance: had many regrets that he never went to councelling when he broke up with his ex (before meeting me and our relationship). I think he often wondered "what if". Though that said, he never brought that luggage into our relationship and was open about his past. It was merely a small part he tucked away in himself - but which helps to make up the bigger picture of his issues. He incidentally went to her wedding this year April - half way across the world in Australia. I couldn't go (though we were invited as a couple) as I didn't have the holiday left, but I wanted him to go nonetheless. I thought it might help him deal with his inner self. See her finally move on so that he could at least lose that bit of baggage. Not that he ever would have gone back to her even if he had the chance, so I really had no concerns there. However in hindsight I think it just added to his short term inner confusion. Seeing her so very happy and completely moved on. Having seen his whole family (two sisters and mother), best friend as well as ex get married in the space of a couple of years really drove home to him that he wasn't capable of that with anyone - not even me who he still loves more than anyone. Anyway, sorry this isn't my thread but I'm trying to give you some examples. I can't give you answers, (and I'm merely going by what you've said) but my gut instinct tells me that, in time he might (hopefully) deal with his issues and will almost certainly have regrets about ending this relationship. Or have been able to deal with it in a more secure and better way. But that's all part of our growing process at some stage. And being with him now isn't going to give him what he needs. Often that inner journey can only be made alone. I'm still not eating well either (in fact food tastes like cardboard) and sleep isn't great either. But try to get as much sleep as you need. Everything is always easier if you're not physically exhausted. And you can't see the beauty of each day through tired puffy eyes All the best. Oh forgot to tell you one thing: even though my ex didn't say he's going to concentrate on his music, the first thing he did (a few days after our break-up), was to bring his electric keyboard from the loft (I think what you call attic) and bought some new gear to help him compose music and songs via his computer. He's usually more of a piano player and we didn't really have space for the keyboard - but he clearly feels the need to do this. So it seems both our ex's are trying to seek something through their music - which is a good thing
Author freshlillies Posted November 25, 2006 Author Posted November 25, 2006 "And being with him now isn't going to give him what he needs. Often that inner journey can only be made alone." "I'm still not eating well either (in fact food tastes like cardboard) and sleep isn't great either. But try to get as much sleep as you need. Everything is always easier if you're not physically exhausted. All the best." that 1st line up there, just hit me hard............ all of the sudden i woke up to " wow this isnt really about me, its also about him " all this time i have been feeling bad about myself. hes been telling me he only wants to be alone, doesnt want to date for 1 year or have sex. and in reading that line i think i realize now that he truly wants and needs to work on himself. good news, i started eating more today.. but the getting motivated and out of bed part is taking a bit longer. maybe i am being hard on myself i mean we only broke up 4 days ago. i would like to think there have been others that cant eat and stay in bed for a bit like me ? lol but i am taking steps now to try and take better care of myself. i know people say they wanna be friends with someone to get them back, but in this case i truly do want to be his friend. i guess i am sorta a strange person.
justagirlforever Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 that 1st line up there, just hit me hard............ all of the sudden i woke up to " wow this isnt really about me, its also about him " all this time i have been feeling bad about myself. i know people say they wanna be friends with someone to get them back, but in this case i truly do want to be his friend. i guess i am sorta a strange person. Yep - it took me a while to get my head round that one too - but I get it now. It's not about me. What I did wrong. What I wasn't or couldn't be or give. It's about him. You sound like a strong person and I'm glad you now too understand. That said, it still doesn't make the pain you feel any less. It will still be a struggle and it will take time & immense effort to convert what you feel to friendship. But he will treasure that. I absolutely agree with you about the last statement. As I said in one of my own posts in my thread, I'm still friends with my ex-ex-ex. And not because I ever want him back Keep going
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