Sonitas Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I am so confused as to what I am doing, what am I going to get out of the "trial separation"? My heart feels torn as to which direction I need to go. I feel so loyal to my husband, being around him is familiar and comforting. On the flipside a piece of me is telling me NO don't go back your feelings have not changed! I have only ever been with my husband since I was 14 and him 18, I don't know anything else. I was honest with him the other night and told him that I have been having thoughts about what it would be like to spend time with someone different. His response was....if it is just sex we could go to swinger clubs?! URGH! And he said that I am a little nieve in that I think marriage should be pure bliss and happiness and it's not, it's hard work and over the years he has thought about what it would be like to be with other women that those feelings are normal. I know marriage is hard work and takes patience, understanding and a desire to be allied with one another for a common goal. But don't you think when you are married you should have the feeling like there is no other person for you, period. He does not think very highly of my friends, and states that I should NOT be listening to their advise. I beleive that you can hear others viewpoints, but it does not mean that it will change yours. My friends tell me that we should seperate completely and try seeing others. ( We are still spending time together and intimate as well) This just does not sit well with me. What if he finds someone and moves on and I don't? I don't think I am prepared to do that, nor do I think it is fair for him to be left on the sidelines waiting for me to make a decision. He is getting a little impatient, he just wants me to move back in so we can move forward. I have been let down in the past, maybe I am just scared of letting another 5 years go by with me by his side and finding myself in the same boat. These feelings of unhappiness keep re-surfacing. ANy comments would be greatly appreciated...thanks for reading!
Antha Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I can understand the wondering about other people. Is it just the sex...or knowing what it's like to be involved with someone else? Your H seems very understanding, and so patient, with you. Perhaps you could clarify your discontent for us. I think your H is very right. Marriage does take work. Every day is not going to be happy-crappy. I'm just a little confused on why you want to separate and the reason behind it. Antha
Author Sonitas Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 I can understand the wondering about other people. Is it just the sex...or knowing what it's like to be involved with someone else? Your H seems very understanding, and so patient, with you. Perhaps you could clarify your discontent for us. I think your H is very right. Marriage does take work. Every day is not going to be happy-crappy. I'm just a little confused on why you want to separate and the reason behind it. Antha No it is not the sex. Just spending time with someone who has similar interest as mine. Same mindset. He drank alot throughout our marriage, we were going to seperate a few years back, but he stopped drinking and really tried improving his presence, helping more around the home and with the kids and such, but things just slowly return. I know I am just as much at fault because I never really communicated my displeasure with alot of things, I was raised in a family where the wife is silent and just does what is expected of her.
Antha Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Slipping back into old habits, eh? I wish I knew how to stop that from happening. If you find out how, let me know. Have you gone to marriage counseling at all? Is he willing to go? Maybe the reason he falls back into old patterns is because he's not addressing the real problems. Has he started drinking again? I'm probably the least qualified person on LC to respond, but I feel for you. I was in the same situation (sort of). I do understand the curiousity of what else is out there. My H and I were so different, yet similar. I, like you, have a hard time saying that there's something wrong, but when I do, I am very clear and direct and to the point and try not to make it "You do this wrong, and this wrong, and this wrong". Do you find that things are fine for a little while, then start to revert in small ways? I wish I could advise, but I was not able to stop my own H from "behaving" for a bit and then going right back to the way he wanted things. This happened over and over like a cycle and it was very frustrating to see that he was making an effort...and then less...and then less...and then none...and then a confrontation and the effort would be there again. Somehow, balance needs to be maintained. How different is your H from you?
Author Sonitas Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Slipping back into old habits, eh? I wish I knew how to stop that from happening. If you find out how, let me know. Have you gone to marriage counseling at all? Is he willing to go? Maybe the reason he falls back into old patterns is because he's not addressing the real problems. Has he started drinking again? I'm probably the least qualified person on LC to respond, but I feel for you. I was in the same situation (sort of). I do understand the curiousity of what else is out there. My H and I were so different, yet similar. I, like you, have a hard time saying that there's something wrong, but when I do, I am very clear and direct and to the point and try not to make it "You do this wrong, and this wrong, and this wrong". Do you find that things are fine for a little while, then start to revert in small ways? I wish I could advise, but I was not able to stop my own H from "behaving" for a bit and then going right back to the way he wanted things. This happened over and over like a cycle and it was very frustrating to see that he was making an effort...and then less...and then less...and then none...and then a confrontation and the effort would be there again. Somehow, balance needs to be maintained. How different is your H from you? We have gone to our first councelling session, and then I went to a weekend workshop on my own. We will be going again next week. He thoughts are that councelling will just make me see the light and come back home. He has not started drinking again. Although we have been out for dinner on a few occasions and he has indulged in a drink, but not excessive which was his problem before. They do revert back ever so slightly, bit by bit until things seem to be at square one again. He says he sees things clearer now, that he won't take me for granted anymore. We are similar in some ways..but different too. We both enjoy the outdoors, I love to hike but I love to take a camera and he loves to take his rifle and shoot whatever wildlife is open. I think in some ways because we did meet when I was so young that I tried to mold myself into this perfect woman just for him, so that I could be accepted.
Skeptical Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 He sounds reasonable. How long have you had these feelings? Do you think they might pass? It isn't possible for a couple to be blissfully happy with each other for all time.
Author Sonitas Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 (QUOTE)He sounds reasonable. How long have you had these feelings? Do you think they might pass? It isn't possible for a couple to be blissfully happy with each other for all time.(QUOTE) He is very reasonable...when things work out in his favor. These feelings have been re-surfacing throughout the relationship. Things would get tuff at times and he would be drinking alot, I would express my feelings about everthing, drinking would slow down, he would change a little, start helping more....then things would slowly go back to the way they were. I turn into a robot and just turn my heart off and go about day to day business and do my best to keep things together. I want to beleive it is possible for a couple to be blissfully happy with each other for all time. I take pride that I have only been with my H, and that we have worked through alot in the past, I know he loves me and wants to see this work, I feel heartless, why can I not return this love? It was my weekend with the kids, so we hung out at his house (our old house together), doing family things and just spending time together. I am trying to discover why do I feel so empty when I am with him. Sure we get along and enjoy each others company, how can I get that feeling of completeness back...did I ever have it? We slept together over the weekend, he is very passionate, I get caught up in the moment and put all doubts aside (he says that you can't work on a relationship without staying intimate as well) but afterwards I feel horrible about myself, almost to the point of holding back tears. No wonder men get frustrated and say they can't understand women!! I can't even understand myself!!
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