oyster Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I know that an Affair helps the WS keep their sanity and strengh to survive in their chaotic relationship. Now for the Betrayed Spouse ( BS ), I think it forces them to change for the better in hope of salvaging their marriage, reel the WS back into the marriagE? any thoughts?
scaredinlove Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I know that an Affair helps the WS keep their sanity and strengh to survive in their chaotic relationship. Now for the Betrayed Spouse ( BS ), I think it forces them to change for the better in hope of salvaging their marriage, reel the WS back into the marriagE? any thoughts? Well in my case I had a affair it to keep my sanity, I was in a very bad marriage.When my H found out he went crazy, we separate, only time will tell if he will change, His friend told me that he my ex H wont treat the next one the way he treat me because he learned a good lesson. Only time will bring the answer. I read depending on the marriage a A can break it or make it stronger.
Author oyster Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Well in my case I had a affair it to keep my sanity, I was in a very bad marriage.When my H found out he went crazy, we separate, only time will tell if he will change, His friend told me that he my ex H wont treat the next one the way he treat me because he learned a good lesson. Only time will bring the answer. I read depending on the marriage a A can break it or make it stronger. So you ended your affair with the OM, got back with your hubby and he changed and you are staying in hope that the changes are permanent?
lovernotafighter Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I don't know, my affair was never found out except by the W of my MM that he has chatted with another woman on line...last January. according to him she did try to make things better and admitted she has known he hasn't been happy for a very long time. but in the same token a year later she still tells everyone he is a cheat and has drug him through marriage counseling (he only made it to one appointment) and her idea of saving there marriage was to get on more anti depressants and sleeping pills. which recently landed her in the hospital for SJS. however, he says it's much to late for her to 'fix' there marriage no matter what... he says much to much has happened and she can't undo 8 years of abuse. our affair was a band aid for both of marriages..our affair has ended so has my marriage..but exMM is still with his wife and is despondent to her and life..he works him self to death and seems to be a candidate for a nervous break down...that is if he wasn't a narcissist,which he is. I think if they both really want to save there marriage they would both do the work necessary..I kinda believe neither of them do.
Author oyster Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 my A with the MW ended as she got strength to go back to her husband to try to work things out. He changed a lot as per her saying, I guess the presence of the OM gave him a wake up call. He cheated on her previously a few times. She was miserable for over 2years before we met. Time will tell if his changes are sustainable or if it was just to get his property back. She made her choice, I respect that and I am relieved to be FREE, no more waiting, no more uncertainty.
lovernotafighter Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 how long have you been out of the relationship oyster?
Catharsis Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I'm pretty sure it does. When my H's ex-fiancee contacted him to get closure, he phoned her in front of me and told her that he had met a wonderful woman (me), that he loved me and was going to marry me. I didn't ask him to do this - in fact, I was a bit embarrassed. But that was the end of it - he gave her closure and it was done. However, when I contacted my ex-boyfriend (aka "MM") to get my closure, rather than just being honest with me, he gave me this long, elaborate, wishy-washy thing about having been so confused back then, that he was so sorry about what he had done, that his M wasn't so great now, etc. Why couldn't he just have told me the same my H told his ex? Of course I know the answer now - he wanted to string me along, together with the all the other women he's manipulating. He's a coward who can't stand confrontation and needs something from these other women that his W - who absolutely worships the ground he walks on - somehow can't give him. If none of these girls gave him the time of day, he'd then have to face his demons rather then escaping them in the arms of other women.
Author oyster Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 how long have you been out of the relationship oyster? a few days, we talk over the phone still, will meet up in person soon, my gut feeling is the abuse will start again and she will break down and finally divorce
lovernotafighter Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Well your on the beginning of a tough fight ending things..I wish you the best of luck,I know how hard it is :-(
scaredinlove Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 So you ended your affair with the OM, got back with your hubby and he changed and you are staying in hope that the changes are permanent? No my hubby went crAZY become violent was taken out of the house desapeared. I am still strugling with my affair, not sure if I should stay or go. My Hubby have been abusive even before he knew about the affair,mostly mental abuse but physical a couple of times.Maybe the whole thing will teach him a lesson and he will be a better man for his next relationship.
Author oyster Posted November 25, 2006 Author Posted November 25, 2006 No my hubby went crAZY become violent was taken out of the house desapeared. I am still strugling with my affair, not sure if I should stay or go. My Hubby have been abusive even before he knew about the affair,mostly mental abuse but physical a couple of times.Maybe the whole thing will teach him a lesson and he will be a better man for his next relationship. your hubby reaction I think is normal, if you have no kids, staying makes no sense. If you go, you might find peace and happyness. There are lots of decent available guys out there. he will be a better person but he will be a more powerful seducer as now he know what his woman wants. Other woman out there will fall easier for him.
Author oyster Posted November 25, 2006 Author Posted November 25, 2006 Well your on the beginning of a tough fight ending things..I wish you the best of luck,I know how hard it is :-( you mean to end things with this MW or for her to end things with her hubby? yes it is hard
lovernotafighter Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I mean you ending the A with MW...staying in contact just makes things so much harder...I am in the most strict NC Ive had with my MM and we have still spoke 4 times in 4 weeks..which is 4 times to many.
Author oyster Posted November 25, 2006 Author Posted November 25, 2006 I mean you ending the A with MW...staying in contact just makes things so much harder...I am in the most strict NC Ive had with my MM and we have still spoke 4 times in 4 weeks..which is 4 times to many. funny, if you don't call them and just politely pick up the phone when they call you, they say you don't care of them. I think for me, the A just gave them a band aid to give it one more try at their marriage.
lovernotafighter Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 funny, if you don't call them and just politely pick up the phone when they call you, they say you don't care of them. I think for me, the A just gave them a band aid to give it one more try at their marriage. my exMM and both admitted that that is true. our A made it easier for us both to stay in unhappy marriages..we made it comfortable to stay with our spouses because we 'always' had each other. a few times we broke up (the times where we went NC) I made allot more progress in my separation because I was forced to deal with my situation. I at one point I did really try to save my marriage , I told my exMM he has made me jaded toward my husband and I had to do what I could...then realised I really couldn't. the affair also might has been the catalyst for my break up with the H but it also was my crutch. generally I break down and write him or call him but this past month I haven't..but he still hasn't dealt with his situation but rather buried himself in work..15-16hr days..he's there right now on his holiday weekend. I know also for your original question even when my exMM's W did try she also held him in contempt which my MM deeply resented..he found her efforts hallow because she wasn't genuine.
silktricks Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I know that an Affair helps the WS keep their sanity and strengh to survive in their chaotic relationship. Now for the Betrayed Spouse ( BS ), I think it forces them to change for the better in hope of salvaging their marriage, reel the WS back into the marriagE? any thoughts? It may shake up the BS, but if it doesn't also shake up the WS, then the marriage is doomed anyway. No marriage is good all the time, even those that appear to everyone around them as perfect. If one of the partners chooses to go find someone else just because they've hit a rough patch, then the marriage may not even be salvageable. But if only the BS changes, then it is will never be a good marriage even if it still continues to exist.
Seen_It_All Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Not every cheater is in a horrible or chaotic marriage. Alot of them are simply a*ssholes who think they deserve to have it all - while they blame their loser behavior on their spouses.
Guest Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Men and women have affairs for many different reasons. The number one reason men have affairs if for physical reasons/ sexual variety. The main reason why women have affairs is due to emotional needs. I think A's can help some marriages stay a float in some instances. However, if the A is discovered by the spouse, marriage maybe over or it can make the marriage stronger if they choose to work on their problems.
puddleofmud Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I wouldn't say it makes things "better". Perhaps an affair would bring things to a head where problems that were already there would be become more evident. Things would probably only get worse before getting any better! Yet, that seems irrational and more like "playing games" w/ one's partner. Every one is aware of someone who has slept with someone else just to "get back at them" for something or who uses problems in a relationship to justify their own innappropriate behavior. In a mature world one would work things out with the partner they already have (even it is to end the relationship) and not bring more complications/ damage to the relationship. BUT, if it has already happened and one can use it to one's avantage to grow and overcome then it may have served its purpose. I could see committed partners who were regretful; learning a great deal about themselves from this kind of thing becoming a better person/ partner within the relationsip. It could be one of the reasons why the vast majority of cheaters do return to their original relationsip!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 I do not believe that OW/OM make the Marriage "more tollerable" or help it stay afloat. If anything they throw another huge problem into (I also place no blame on OP's). I also, for the most part, don't believe that the BS should be shaken into straightening up something that a WS decided to fix for themselves by their own selfcentered means. I'm sure that there might be a FEW cases of major neglect where this might be true. As a BS with a serial WS I've always been told, it wasn't/isn't you, I was/am unhappy with myself (God, how could you not be!) That being said, I cannot imagine how having an A myself could improve my marriage - quite the opposite, it would make me have to hate/dislike my spouse to justify my own actions. I believe that these marraiges stay afloat for many reasons, but not at all because of the affair, it is yet another symptom of the WS's personal problems. Just my .02.
kimmillah Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Well, In response to the original question, I have to say that the emotional affair my husband had did shake our marriage up for the better I guess. What seemed to be an affair "out of the blue", revealed that there were things my husband and I were going through that I didn't really know about or were swept under the rug. In our situation, I thought we had minor problems, not the serious ones that were revealed once the affair was uncovered. He and the other woman were wrong, but I do have to admit that this affair started the ball rolling to repair and build up our marriage. I don't know if things would have been different if he had had a physical affair. As much as I despise and was hurt by the situation, at least something constructive came out of all this. I know that it doesn't always end up like this and taking a chance like that could obliterate a marriage. Believe me, if we could have gone to counselling way before the EA, I would have rather done that. In the end, though, I do find myself trying to repair not only the marriage, but the damage the affair did to me as well. Now, instead of just trying to fix one thing, we're fixing several other issues that the affair caused.
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