Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 A guy I'm dating has said several times - kinda randomly thrown into the conversation - that he only dates one girl at a time, that he likes to focus on one girl/relationship at a time, that he's never cheated, etc. This has made me feel pretty safe and secure knowing that while he's dating me, there's no one else. (I really do believe him, for reasons I won't go into here.) Now, I don't really have a rule either way - sometimes I date more than one guy (before being exclusive, of course), sometimes I don't...it really all depends on the circumstances. I haven't told him that I can/do date more than one guy on occasion, and he hasn't asked me either...so he shouldn't/couldn't really assume that I'm dating him exclusively either. We've recently begun sleeping together, and he's made several comments such as, "when you meet _____" (insert the person) or "when you see ______" to suggest he expects some sort of future, although obviously unclear how far into the future he sees us - a day, month, etc. Anyway, I'm unsure when/how an "exclusive" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" conversation should/would come up, if at all, in this situation. I kinda feel like I have the upper hand in knowing that there's no one else for him, and when I think back to previous relationships, those "conversations" about "where we stand" have actually never taken place. But I WANT to have that conversation at some point so that I know (don't laugh) when I am "cut off" from other guys. I don't even know what my question is...
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 But I WANT to have that conversation at some point so that I know (don't laugh) when I am "cut off" from other guys. Sorry. Just eat your cake.
Pyro Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 A guy I'm dating has said several times - kinda randomly thrown into the conversation - that he only dates one girl at a time, that he likes to focus on one girl/relationship at a time, that he's never cheated, etc. This has made me feel pretty safe and secure knowing that while he's dating me, there's no one else. (I really do believe him, for reasons I won't go into here.) Now, I don't really have a rule either way - sometimes I date more than one guy (before being exclusive, of course), sometimes I don't...it really all depends on the circumstances. I haven't told him that I can/do date more than one guy on occasion, and he hasn't asked me either...so he shouldn't/couldn't really assume that I'm dating him exclusively either. We've recently begun sleeping together, and he's made several comments such as, "when you meet _____" (insert the person) or "when you see ______" to suggest he expects some sort of future, although obviously unclear how far into the future he sees us - a day, month, etc. Anyway, I'm unsure when/how an "exclusive" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" conversation should/would come up, if at all, in this situation. I kinda feel like I have the upper hand in knowing that there's no one else for him, and when I think back to previous relationships, those "conversations" about "where we stand" have actually never taken place. But I WANT to have that conversation at some point so that I know (don't laugh) when I am "cut off" from other guys. I don't even know what my question is... Are you considering becoming exclusive with this guy? If you are not sure, than you need to let him know where you stand, otherwise you are getting his hopes up because here he is talking about the future in a way. He probably assumes that you are agreeing with him by not saying anything.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Riddler - I AM interested in being exclusive/BF-GF with him... it's just that I don't want him to ASSUME that we're there until we've had some sort of dialogue about it. Honestly, I haven't liked a guy this much in YEARS...and feel a little scared. I usually dive right in and get my heartbroken. The pace between us seems so right, everything seems so right, I'm just... scared.
alphamale Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 We've recently begun sleeping together, ... how was the sex SG?? was it good or just ho hum?
amaysngrace Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 was it good or just ho hum? See Alpha, you're the kind of guy that I would think "ho-hum" would mean good sex to.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 how was the sex SG?? was it good or just ho hum? :love: :love:
alphamale Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 :love: :love: mmmm...i can see why youre in love
Pyro Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Riddler - I AM interested in being exclusive/BF-GF with him... it's just that I don't want him to ASSUME that we're there until we've had some sort of dialogue about it. Honestly, I haven't liked a guy this much in YEARS...and feel a little scared. I usually dive right in and get my heartbroken. The pace between us seems so right, everything seems so right, I'm just... scared. Don't be scared. Being yourself around this guy has made him fall for you, so you have been doing good. Just be honest with him. Tell him that it felt awkward for him to talk like you two are exclusive before you really are, but tell him that you are interested in being exclusive. But be careful, the way that he talked about the future could make him be the clingy type.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Here's another problem I'm having though... When in this "getting there, but not quite" stage, how should I be going about contacting HIM without freaking him out. What is "too much"? With the recent Turkey Day holiday, I figured that we'd be spending time with our respective families, I still wanted some contact. So I sent him a message yesterday afternoon wishing him a happy holiday, and he responded in kind with a funny little message. Later that evening, I sent him another asking if he was free this weekend (that's one this he and I don't make assumptions on...timing of seeing each other) and he didn't respond... I sent him one the other day when he was on his way over telling him I was not home yet... when he got there (I had just made it home) I mentioned the text message, he opened his phone and showed me that he hadn't received it. I thought, "That's weird." But now it makes me think maybe I shouldn't text him with "important" things like that because I'll never know if he got it. So that could be the reason he didn't respond... Or maybe he didn't respond because he's no longer interested. Seeee....I TRULY believe (believed? ) everything he had said up until sleeping together, and I guess I'm just nervous that now he's "gotten the goods" he'll move on. I think that's a common fear, and maybe I'm being irrational, but it makes me nervous. What to do now?
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 , and I guess I'm just nervous that now he's "gotten the goods" he'll move on. Did you ask if it was good for him, too? :love: :love:
Spinderella Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I think its a common fear for a woman to have. I go through the same thing. It really doesnt sound as though he wants to move on now, but, I do the EXACT same thing. Suddenly, you start analysing little things. Just be honest with your feelings. If something happens that youre not sure about, dont be afraid to ask him about it. Just dont let your insecurities take over.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Did you ask if it was good for him, too? He volunteered that it was... he was quite pleased as well.
magichands Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 He volunteered that it was... he was quite pleased as well. Then I think he's under your spell.
Pyro Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Here's another problem I'm having though... When in this "getting there, but not quite" stage, how should I be going about contacting HIM without freaking him out. What is "too much"? With the recent Turkey Day holiday, I figured that we'd be spending time with our respective families, I still wanted some contact. So I sent him a message yesterday afternoon wishing him a happy holiday, and he responded in kind with a funny little message. Later that evening, I sent him another asking if he was free this weekend (that's one this he and I don't make assumptions on...timing of seeing each other) and he didn't respond... I sent him one the other day when he was on his way over telling him I was not home yet... when he got there (I had just made it home) I mentioned the text message, he opened his phone and showed me that he hadn't received it. I thought, "That's weird." But now it makes me think maybe I shouldn't text him with "important" things like that because I'll never know if he got it. So that could be the reason he didn't respond... Or maybe he didn't respond because he's no longer interested. Seeee....I TRULY believe (believed? ) everything he had said up until sleeping together, and I guess I'm just nervous that now he's "gotten the goods" he'll move on. I think that's a common fear, and maybe I'm being irrational, but it makes me nervous. What to do now? Whether or not he is interested anymore, you will find out for yourself. You know him better than us. I think that its still too early to tell. Sometimes I don't receive all my text messages, so his reason could be legit. Everyone has their own look at what is too much contact and what is not. I don't think that you went overboard with the contacting.
alphamale Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Sometimes I don't receive all my text messages, so his reason could be legit. Agreed. I've gotten voicemails 24 hrs after they were left a few times.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Everyone has their own look at what is too much contact and what is not. I don't think that you went overboard with the contacting. How much contact is overboard? HELP! I broke down and called him on Friday afternoon, some cute-flirty-casual message, and referring to my text message...saying something like "you probably didn't get it" or something like that. Very easy-breezy message... He called back an hour or so later. He said he got the previous text message, but not until late and didn't want to respond so late. I asked him how his weekend was looking for getting together again, and he said that "we should hang out again soon" but he isn't sure when because he's so "busy." Now, his entire family is in town until tonight, and he's extremely career driven and was planning on spending all of his non-family time this weekend working on something for a large event next weekend... so his comment about being "busy" I believe to be legit. He's also mentioned in passing previously that his friends and family often have to remind him that work isn't everything and that he needs to spend time with loved ones too...so I don't believe it's an excuse. Anyway, he said he'd see what he got accomplished work-wise this weekend and "hopefully we can hang out early next week" (meaning what, Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? ???) and that we'd "chat later and figure something out..." He sounded in good spirits, nothing odd or different about his tone. So... do I wait for HIM to call ME, or should I like "check in"?? If so, when? Thing is, I go out of town next Saturday for over a week, and right when I get back, there's only one day and then HE leaves for over a week. I really want to make sure that I get to see him before we spend that time apart on our respective family vacations, but I don't want to seem pushy.
Green Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 sounds like u dont see him that much miss I have the upper hand because he showed me his cards. I dont know how busy he could be at work but he should still be able to make time for the only girl hes dating while hes in town.
Pyro Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 How much contact is overboard? HELP! I broke down and called him on Friday afternoon, some cute-flirty-casual message, and referring to my text message...saying something like "you probably didn't get it" or something like that. Very easy-breezy message... He called back an hour or so later. He said he got the previous text message, but not until late and didn't want to respond so late. I asked him how his weekend was looking for getting together again, and he said that "we should hang out again soon" but he isn't sure when because he's so "busy." Now, his entire family is in town until tonight, and he's extremely career driven and was planning on spending all of his non-family time this weekend working on something for a large event next weekend... so his comment about being "busy" I believe to be legit. He's also mentioned in passing previously that his friends and family often have to remind him that work isn't everything and that he needs to spend time with loved ones too...so I don't believe it's an excuse. Anyway, he said he'd see what he got accomplished work-wise this weekend and "hopefully we can hang out early next week" (meaning what, Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? ???) and that we'd "chat later and figure something out..." He sounded in good spirits, nothing odd or different about his tone. So... do I wait for HIM to call ME, or should I like "check in"?? If so, when? Thing is, I go out of town next Saturday for over a week, and right when I get back, there's only one day and then HE leaves for over a week. I really want to make sure that I get to see him before we spend that time apart on our respective family vacations, but I don't want to seem pushy. Definitely let him contact you next. In a way, this will show you just how much he is interested in you. You shouldn't do all the work, so let him contact you. IMHO, calling once a day to say hi and chat isn't bad. Now if you were to constantly call, numerous times each day for the same reason, then it may start to go overboard. I hope that this is what you want. He sounds extremely busy with everything and here you are wanting to spend time with him. I hope that this works out for the best.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Definitely let him contact you next. In a way, this will show you just how much he is interested in you. You shouldn't do all the work, so let him contact you. IMHO, calling once a day to say hi and chat isn't bad. Now if you were to constantly call, numerous times each day for the same reason, then it may start to go overboard. I hope that this is what you want. He sounds extremely busy with everything and here you are wanting to spend time with him. I hope that this works out for the best. Okay, you just confused me. You said let him contact me next, but then say calling once a day to say hi isn't bad. ? Up until MY text on the holiday and MY call on Friday, he was always the one to initiate contact. However, he'd make plans in advance, and then I wouldn't hear from him for like 2 days until the day before our next date when he'd call to confirm/arrange plans, etc. So going a day or more without any contact from him isn't unusual, particularly given the holiday weekend/family commitments, etc. You're right - he is extremely busy with work, family, and other commitments (he's also a coach, and a leader of a youth group at church...). I DO want to spend time with him, but I'm not nearly as busy as he is...and quite frankly, almost any plans that I do have can be rearranged - not true with him. Now I'm just worried that I won't hear from him AT ALL... :( I feel a little foolish for thinking things were going so well. Then again, I could be jinxing myself right now, everything could be just dandy!! UGH. I hate being an overly analytical woman!! haha! Let's assume I break down again and contact him to see what his schedule is like... should I wait until tomorrow? Later tonight? (As as a side note... KMT - do you honestly think snide comments like that are in ANY way helpful? They're a complete waste of your time and energy in typing, because garbage like that is only going to be ignored.)
Art_Critic Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Let's assume I break down again and contact him to see what his schedule is like... should I wait until tomorrow? Later tonight? If he is into you then it doesn't matter... But trying to manufacturer interest is a tough thing to accomplish. I don't think at this point you can make a mistake.. If he is into you it doesn't matter. if he isn't it will show you where his interests lie.
Pyro Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Okay, you just confused me. You said let him contact me next, but then say calling once a day to say hi isn't bad. ? Up until MY text on the holiday and MY call on Friday, he was always the one to initiate contact. However, he'd make plans in advance, and then I wouldn't hear from him for like 2 days until the day before our next date when he'd call to confirm/arrange plans, etc. So going a day or more without any contact from him isn't unusual, particularly given the holiday weekend/family commitments, etc. Since its the beginning of the relationship, you should find out just how interested he is in you and that is why I think you should let him contact you next. Once you find out if he really is interested, then the once a day thing falls into place. Sorry for the confusion. You're right - he is extremely busy with work, family, and other commitments (he's also a coach, and a leader of a youth group at church...). I DO want to spend time with him, but I'm not nearly as busy as he is...and quite frankly, almost any plans that I do have can be rearranged - not true with him. Now I'm just worried that I won't hear from him AT ALL... :( I feel a little foolish for thinking things were going so well. Then again, I could be jinxing myself right now, everything could be just dandy!! UGH. I hate being an overly analytical woman!! haha! Let's assume I break down again and contact him to see what his schedule is like... should I wait until tomorrow? Later tonight? At the least, wait until tomorrow if you need to know what his schedule is, which is a good idea since you can make plans for the two of you and work them around his hecktic schedule. Another good idea is if you make it up to the point of meeting his friends or family, make sure that you get on their good side, since you said that they have to constantly remind him that there is more to life than work. That reminds me of the movie Click. Have you seen it? Don't worry about it. Take the relationship as it comes. If he is not interested, you will find out and likewise if he is interested.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Another good idea is if you make it up to the point of meeting his friends or family, make sure that you get on their good side, since you said that they have to constantly remind him that there is more to life than work. That reminds me of the movie Click. Have you seen it? WOAH. Actually, the subject of taking time to smell the roses came up while he was talking about that same movie! He said it was good for reminding him to enjoy the simple things in life, like spending time with friends and family. I haven't seen it, but maybe I should...... ha! I'll wait until tomorrow to call, but I'll be really bummed if I even have to.
nicki Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Keep communicating with him. Tell him what you told us about wanting to spend time with him before you both go off on your respective vacations. Be upfront about what you want and how you are feeling about things. It sets a good precedence for the future. If he says he is busy and wants to get together next week, then say "That's great. I want to make sure I don't make any other plans, so let's see what day works for both of us." Don't let him keep you waiting until he makes last minute plans. That's fine for later in a relationship when you suddenly find you have extra time to spend together, but not so good at the beginning of a relationship. He might think you have nothing better to do than wait for him....and then he will hold the power in the relationship. You guys are sleeping together, so a once a day call to say hi and share your days is completely in order. So, if he doesn't call you, call him. If you see you are calling him every day and he isn't calling you, then stop calling and see if he calls you.....I'll bet that he will get used to your daily chats and miss them and call you to continue. Anyway, have fun, relax, but watch how you are setting things up now. Make sure you build the relationship the way you want it to be, as well as the way he wants it to be.
Pyro Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 WOAH. Actually, the subject of taking time to smell the roses came up while he was talking about that same movie! He said it was good for reminding him to enjoy the simple things in life, like spending time with friends and family. I haven't seen it, but maybe I should...... ha! I'll wait until tomorrow to call, but I'll be really bummed if I even have to. It might be a good idea to be up front with him and tell him that you are the type that likes to talk on a daily basis. That way, he knows what to expect and the two of you could could compromise on how much communication is enough and what is too much. That way, you don't have to worry about scaring him off or anything. I do recommend the movie. It was pretty good.
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