Madeamistake Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 If any of you read my last post about my infidelity, well the latest news is my now ex girlfriend was planning to revenge. She had already started seeing some other guy but was sloppy at it! It only took 5 days to find out! I was told by numerous people that they had seen her on two occassions with this guy and on one - she kissed the guy! So she kinda cheated (Although) not as severe as mine but also carried on seeing this other guy while lying to me saying that she was with friends! I confronted her and asked why she could not just break up with me as it has only made things worse and I was really trying to make ammends. she told that she wanted revenge. It would make her feel better! I ended up telling her that true love seeks no revenge and neither does claimimg to have forgiven! Well! I guess thats it! I took my stuff and got out of there quickly! I am not turning back either! Many lessons learnt though! Tx!
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 She had already started seeing some other guy but was sloppy at it! Sloppy or deliberate? You do the math.
Author Madeamistake Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Good question! I have thought about it! I think it was deliberate!
noforgiveness Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I agree the reenge thing is horrible. I can't imagine doing that. BUT I wanted to add see how quickly you pack up when she does something minimal compared to what you did? You could not even handle a kiss but she's supposedto deal with much more? Double standards? or maybe you just realized the two of you would not get past this.
Author Madeamistake Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 I agree the reenge thing is horrible. I can't imagine doing that. BUT I wanted to add see how quickly you pack up when she does something minimal compared to what you did? You could not even handle a kiss but she's supposedto deal with much more? Double standards? or maybe you just realized the two of you would not get past this. The full story is, she was planning to sleep with the guy as payback for what I did! She said it herself! She would do it then tell me there after!
InaPanic Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 She's obviously very hurt, who wouldn't be. I imagine revenge is a common scenerio played out by people who are cheated on. If you think there is anything left there then try to work on it but it sounds as if it's over. Sorry for you both.
LakesideDream Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Madeamistake, Obviously you believe everything you type has great merit.. you end every sentence with an exclaimation point. From your words, and written attitude, it's fairly obvious that you are a self serving cheater. Time to shout at yourself in a mirror for awhile, don't you think?
Ladyjane14 Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 You're only what? ...23 years old? You made a mistake. Now, your girlfriend is acting out. Guess what? That's a fairly typical response. She's not 'the devil' for going there. She's just young. And even folks MUCH OLDER than she... have given into the temptation of the revenge affair. Cut her some slack, and don't act like a hypocrit. It's unbecoming of a gentleman.
JamesM Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Ditto Ladyjane. You cheat and expect her to forgive. She cheats and you have choice names for her and leave. One could easily argue that she would never have cheated had she been "forced" to do so by the cheating that you did. Let me remind you of some comments you made such a short time ago... Thanks a lot and I know how lucky I truely am to have such a girl in my life! - November 16 She truly is an amazing person and personally, Im finding it extremely hard to forgive myself for what I have done! - Nov 16 Did those feelings change so quickly now that she "got revenge?" No, I don't advocate what she did, but I thnk a little understanding from you is appropriate. The fact is neither of you will probably be able to trust each other again. So, leaving will probably be the best. The question remains...will you be able to hold toyour promise never to cheat again?
samsungxoxo Posted November 25, 2006 Posted November 25, 2006 Wow, instead of acting in an adult way and either forgiving you or breaking up with you, she goes right scooping to your level, thus returning to a child again. By doing revenge, she's actually degrading herself, in a way it's like saying that she more better and deserves no better, what a way of thinking. Good thing you pack up your bags, if she can't go on with the healing process after you cheated, she could have broken up already, she had no obligation to stay with you and act like a child.
Author Madeamistake Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Did those feelings change so quickly now that she "got revenge?" No, I don't advocate what she did, but I thnk a little understanding from you is appropriate. The fact is neither of you will probably be able to trust each other again. So, leaving will probably be the best. The question remains...will you be able to hold toyour promise never to cheat again? Hi. Actually her seeking of revenge was coupled with lies, I just found out that she already had, she had been with this guy the whole of last weekend, some days during the week and after. Yep! Even 2 months ago, they were together on one evening. She even had the nerve to ask if we could be friends with benefits, and I turned down the offer. As for me cheating again, I will say NEVER EVER EVER AFTER THIS WHOLE ORDEAL!
Author Madeamistake Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Wow, instead of acting in an adult way and either forgiving you or breaking up with you, she goes right scooping to your level, thus returning to a child again. By doing revenge, she's actually degrading herself, in a way it's like saying that she more better and deserves no better, what a way of thinking. Good thing you pack up your bags, if she can't go on with the healing process after you cheated, she could have broken up already, she had no obligation to stay with you and act like a child. Hi Aliec! True indeed, I even told her when she asked if she was to do the same thing, how would I feel. At the end of it all, I told her that its not nice to be on my side of the world! I did not know that she had already cheated and kept it away! I found evidence, which I will post later! Tx!
noforgiveness Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 madeamistake I think for some crazy reason you feel vindicated and now and that the breakup was her fault. I think you're wrong. I think you broke her heart and she fell out of love with you over it and was slowly moving on with her life.
JamesM Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Hi. Actually her seeking of revenge was coupled with lies, I just found out that she already had, she had been with this guy the whole of last weekend, some days during the week and after. Yep! Even 2 months ago, they were together on one evening. As for me cheating again, I will say NEVER EVER EVER AFTER THIS WHOLE ORDEAL! So, was she ever with this guy prior to her finding out about your affair? Who cheated first...you or her? And, I certainly hope you can hold to the no cheating policy. Right now the pain is fresh....it is easy to say. But in the future, the pleasure will begin to be greater. Then you must remember the statement you made, even if you want to cheat...and yes, you will want to cheat, but that doesn't mean you will follow through.
InsanityImpaired Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Not knowing the exact details, it is a lot to deal with. The fact that you did use a condom can always be interpreted in a way that is even harder to deal with - if you did not always use it with your ex-gf. In it, that it must have been a conscious and fully deliberate act. Which was hidden from her for a month. She was only told, because you could not handle the guilt anymore. At least that is how she may have perceived it. Try to reconcile yourself with that, in the position of the cheated-on girlfriend who was unawares for a month. For her the relationship may well have been over in her heart. That she did not end it, may be because of a desperate attempt to hold on to the image of the relationship she had in the past. And the imagery gave way to anger, hurt and frustration. So she kinda cheated (Although) not as severe as mine but also carried on seeing this other guy while lying to me saying that she was with friends! And friends are not allowed to kiss, even passionately (if that)? And lying is not allowed:eek: ? If she would have told you within the month, she would have still "beaten" your virtuous behavior. Of course there is no justification for her actions, but it was brought about by your actions, and your attempt to hide your actions. Which you could not do anymore, but only because you were wrecked with guilt. Again, that is how she may perceive it. Not flattering for you, though. she told that she wanted revenge. It would make her feel better! Not the brightest of ideas. But understandable; and in no way this is worse than what you did, because she could not have expected it more than you, since the admission. I ended up telling her that true love seeks no revenge and neither does claimimg to have forgiven! And true love also implies not cheating on your true love. Hence the argument is already invalid, because of your actions. And judging by what you have written, she seems unable to forgive herself for having forgiven you(!). You can't simply extract forgiveness out of a person after a few days. You need to deserve it through actions, not constant blathering, leading to exhaustion. Else the forgiveness is meaningless. Perhaps it was "granted" too soon. Because she had given it, and was not content she had to go down a different road, as she could not (nor anyone) retract the act of forgiving. But now I am intrigued by her (you hinted at that) cheating two months ago. If it is from people's admissions, especially people with whom she kept friendships, she may well have made the cheating up, for the purpose of revenge ... Screwed up? Definitely. However, that does not alter the factual facts. Merely the interpretation of the facts ...
Walk Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I cheated on my exh several years ago... and although he didn't "know" for certain, he had that horrible gut sensation that things were not right. Toward the very end of the marriage he tells me that he did everything but have intercourse with a girl he picked up at the bar.. and only because she stopped him before it could get to the point. He didn't stop it, she did. If I took your mind set, then he's a bastard because he cheated on me with another girl, and I'm no longer the "bad guy"? That's ****ed up man. The way I see it.. he'd gone through months and months of me lying, decieving, playing games with his head.... even before I actually cheated on him. We were so far apart emotionally at that point that he would naturally want to seek out someone who desired him. Who wanted HIM. I sure wasn't treating him like I wanted him. So he cheated on me.... He's not right, but that sure as hell doesnt' negate my portion of the blame. You choose your path irregardless of what she did or when. YOU went into it believing that your partner was faithful and honoring her portion of hte agreement. You're still the cheater. You're still a liar. Its really easy to point a finger and say "she's to blame", but the fact of the matter is if YOU cheated. You wanted her to accept you as you and everything would be hunky dory. You find out she acted just like you and you're attempting to shift burden of the blame onto her shoulders.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 If you don't take your share of the responsibility for your actions, you will cheat again in another relationship. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. A couple of reasons (not all) are, payback for something the other party did or selfish pleasure (the thrill of the hunt/conquest, little brain thinking, adrenaline rush). There's also sometimes, not always, a sick pleasure in the covert intimacy of cheating on someone unaware. The "I've got a secret and am getting away with it" attitude or an unconscious desire to punish the next person, from what the last person did to you.
Author Madeamistake Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 madeamistake I think for some crazy reason you feel vindicated and now and that the breakup was her fault. I think you're wrong. I think you broke her heart and she fell out of love with you over it and was slowly moving on with her life. What I feel vindicated by is the fact that she cheated way before I did! I made a typing error with regards to when. It was around August at the time she did what she did and the fact is she lied about it. I blame myself for what I did and I even told her that should she wish to break up with me, I would understand, although she chose to stay. Both our hearts are broken and there is no doubt about it, but whats the use of staying in a relationship where one party is totally honest about his crime and the other is not!
Author Madeamistake Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 Not knowing the exact details, it is a lot to deal with. The fact that you did use a condom can always be interpreted in a way that is even harder to deal with - if you did not always use it with your ex-gf. In it, that it must have been a conscious and fully deliberate act. Which was hidden from her for a month. She was only told, because you could not handle the guilt anymore. At least that is how she may have perceived it. Try to reconcile yourself with that, in the position of the cheated-on girlfriend who was unawares for a month. For her the relationship may well have been over in her heart. That she did not end it, may be because of a desperate attempt to hold on to the image of the relationship she had in the past. And the imagery gave way to anger, hurt and frustration. And friends are not allowed to kiss, even passionately (if that)? And lying is not allowed:eek: ? If she would have told you within the month, she would have still "beaten" your virtuous behavior. Of course there is no justification for her actions, but it was brought about by your actions, and your attempt to hide your actions. Which you could not do anymore, but only because you were wrecked with guilt. Again, that is how she may perceive it. Not flattering for you, though. Not the brightest of ideas. But understandable; and in no way this is worse than what you did, because she could not have expected it more than you, since the admission. And true love also implies not cheating on your true love. Hence the argument is already invalid, because of your actions. And judging by what you have written, she seems unable to forgive herself for having forgiven you(!). You can't simply extract forgiveness out of a person after a few days. You need to deserve it through actions, not constant blathering, leading to exhaustion. Else the forgiveness is meaningless. Perhaps it was "granted" too soon. Because she had given it, and was not content she had to go down a different road, as she could not (nor anyone) retract the act of forgiving. But now I am intrigued by her (you hinted at that) cheating two months ago. If it is from people's admissions, especially people with whom she kept friendships, she may well have made the cheating up, for the purpose of revenge ... Screwed up? Definitely. However, that does not alter the factual facts. Merely the interpretation of the facts ... Hi, I always used a condom, even with my ex-gf. That is one principal that I have always chosen to stick by - no matter what state I may be in. With regards to me telling her, I knew I did not need to. I went to confess to a priest and he told me that it was between me and God, I had already started going for counselling and the counsellor even said that I did not need to, but highlighted the fact that I had to do what I felt was right - because I love her. Telling for me was the right decision. For me that is a sign of True love.To be totally honest with a person and lay such a horrible truth on the line shows that you love them. Believe me that decision to tell is never easy! I think that the eye for an eye principle is far much worse. If we lived life on that principle, we would constantly be at war with each other. The cheating on me was certainly not made up. I know that for a fact because the people who witnessed what was going on were my relatives. They just did not know how to tell me about what was happening, thus they spoke to a very close friend of mine about it as they had seen enough. I have been tracing it from way back since the incident August. She lost her phone at the guy's house after a night of drinking - claiming that she was out with her friends on a girls night. She even lied about it. Now the truth is out in the open. People knew - I did not. She suddenly became emotionally distant but I could not pick up what was wrong, I assumed it was work/school related. It was obviuosly not. There was evidence on her phone and I found it last week dating from quite a while ago (Around september), they were texting each other with their sexual wishes. She was secretive with her phone from quite a while ago, even before I cheated. She always had access to mine and I never to hers. I think I was suspicious of it but was just in denial. I realised that every time I would go to see her, she would find reason to pick a fight with me, causing me to leave. Thereafter, she would be spotted going out in to some fancy car or leaving in her car to go out. Even the security guards at her complex witnessed this and told me about it. I asked and she told me it was her cousin's boyfriend just coming to check on her - another question? It did not make sense to me due to the fact that she had not seen her cousin for over a year and now the boyfriend was checking up without her? There are so many things that I could highlight! Well at the end of it all, what I can say is that Cheating is wrong. It always has been and always will be! I dont blame her for our break up, I blame the both of us. The reason being is we both are different people with different principles and boundaries! We just did not know that! We held on to something that we thought was there - I think we were an image couple more than anything. Well that for her but not me. All these revelations have indented that in my heart and mind! The pain is not as great as I thought it would be, I think there is relief from constantly living with questions. All the red flags that had been flashing for months have been proven to be true. The lies and deciet versus the honest truth!
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