Krying Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 As I read a few more posts on NC and saw things discussed, it became clear to me NC is a double edged sword. If the person you are with or used to be with, still cares for you, then NC will go a long way to having them back in your life if they are undecided. However if they have made up their mind, then NC actually helps them more than it does you. Why? Because that person is not reminded of the guilt from the relationship and is free to fool around with whoever they like knowing you will not bother them again. NC only works for those persons who are undecided. I don't see it as the be all mantra it's cracked up to be, but rather another tool than can be used in post breakup situations.
panzer6 Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I went 4 months without contacting my ex. She freaked out on me and told me to never call her again. I did exactly that. Then out of the blue she calls me and acts like nothing happened. We talked and texted each other for about a month. We finally got together 1 night at a pub and she proceeded to treat me like crap. I called her on her birthday to wish her a happy one but I got the date wrong. She wasn't impressed. I haven't spoken to her in about 2 weeks. NC does work but it doesn't mean that they will take you back. It will probably draw them back to you in some way but the outcome could be either good or a bloody disaster. There are no guarantees in this life. Do whats best for you, do what makes you happy. All you can say to them is how you feel and let them decide what to do. I miss my ex and her sons very much. Christmas is coming and I won't be there for them. That hurts so much. I'm tired of hurting. I wish things were different, but they aren't.
crazy_grl Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 However if they have made up their mind, then NC actually helps them more than it does you. Why? Because that person is not reminded of the guilt from the relationship and is free to fool around with whoever they like knowing you will not bother them again. If the dumper has already made up their mind, NC helps the dumpee a lot more, because it gives them the dignity of not pestering someone who doesn't want to be with them, and it gives them the time and space to get over it and move on. If someone doesn't want you, pestering them isn't going to get you anywhere. It's just going to annoy the dumper and make the dumpee more depressed.
phyrespryte Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 If the dumper has already made up their mind, NC helps the dumpee a lot more, because it gives them the dignity of not pestering someone who doesn't want to be with them, and it gives them the time and space to get over it and move on. If someone doesn't want you, pestering them isn't going to get you anywhere. It's just going to annoy the dumper and make the dumpee more depressed. I completely agree. It's easier to get over someone when you're not always being reminded of them. Out of sight...out of mind.
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Yes, I agree. NC helps both people. If both are still uncertain, sooner or later one person will try to contact the other. Try to remember that there's usually a reason why things didn't work out. My NC is getting easier because I know that what I miss is the emotional and physical closeness and warmth of "A" relationship versus the real person that revealed himself.
Author Krying Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 NC can and does help both people, but not always. If both are uncertain, it will help. If the dumper is uncertain, it will help. If the dumper is totally sure of their actions, then NC won't make any difference. Especially if the dumpee is the one doing the NC. It won't matter to the dumper whether you are going NC or not. They have moved on, and don't care for you anymore.
crazy_grl Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 If the dumper is totally sure of their actions, then NC won't make any difference. Especially if the dumpee is the one doing the NC. It won't matter to the dumper whether you are going NC or not. They have moved on, and don't care for you anymore. Of course it's not going to a difference if your definition of "making a difference" is getting the person back. But in the case where the person has completely made up their mind, nothing is going to make a difference. So why not do NC, heal, and leave with your dignity intact? Krying, I really don't get your argument.
Author Krying Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 crazy, it was simply something I had been thinking about after reading all the "go NC" topics. Yes it works, but I wanted to point out my view that it's often a one sided thing. It can help you get over a person, but if you want that person back in your life, NC won't make any difference. So it helps sometimes, but I don't think it deserves all the attention it seems to get here. It's not the magic solution it's made out to be. That's just my personal thoughts on it anyway after spending a very lonely Thanksgiving... alone .
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 NC can be lonely but it's a great way to sort through your issues and deal with them, so you can feel more whole and grounded again. Each time you're back in contact, you'll step backwards. A relationship is where two people create one space to share by intertwining their lives through their caring and commitment with/to each other. If you think about like that, of course it will be lonely without them because they leave a void when gone. When you work on yourself through NC, hopefully you will expand again as a person to fill that empty space.
silentcharon Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Krying- I think you are totally right. I have seen this happen personally- A friend of mine were totally sure she didn't want to be with her bf, so she dumped him. He went NC, thinking that maybe it would make a difference- it didn't, it was only because she was 100% sure she did not want him back. She doesn't even want to be friends with him. Ouch, I know. But since then, NC has helped the dumpee to move on and fill the void she left behind. He's all right now, even though he knows that his ex is 100% sure. In the mean time, I have gone NC again with my ex- short story summed up- I went NC the first time with him because he was confused when I was trying to be friends with him. His answer was always "No.", whether I asked if we would ever get back together and it drove me crazy- he did things that crossed the couples line that made me think other wise. I finally went NC, and my ex turned things around by calling me, texting me, even going as far as sending me flowers with a card that said, "Loving you, missing you, love xxx". He finally came back under the flag of friendship saying that he realized what he did was wrong, and that he wanted to be just friends. There, I had the answer- so I agreed, came out of NC. Recently, he confessed that when I went NC- he said that he realized that he had more feelings for me than he was willing to admit and told me he was still in love with me. But the catch is that, there's another girl in the picture who said she was in love with him also, and he also has feelings for her. He was confused. I have gone into NC again, to give him the space that he needs to figure out what he wants and for myself to keep moving on. This time, compared to my friend, my ex isn't sure- so I know NC will help make a difference. He told me himself "If you had gone NC the day we broke up, I would have realized my feelings sooner, than later, with someone else in the picture." So, Krying, I agree with you- NC is really a double edged sword. It is a tool that works both ways. Whether my ex comes back or not, I still intend on moving on, and NC allows me to do that. Good post! crazy, it was simply something I had been thinking about after reading all the "go NC" topics. Yes it works, but I wanted to point out my view that it's often a one sided thing. It can help you get over a person, but if you want that person back in your life, NC won't make any difference. So it helps sometimes, but I don't think it deserves all the attention it seems to get here. It's not the magic solution it's made out to be. That's just my personal thoughts on it anyway after spending a very lonely Thanksgiving... alone .
shawn_68 Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Krying, You wrote about NC: Yes it works, but I wanted to point out my view that it's often a one sided thing. It can help you get over a person, but if you want that person back in your life, NC won't make any difference. So it helps sometimes, but I don't think it deserves all the attention it seems to get here. It's not the magic solution it's made out to be. What you'll find out is that there is no "magic solution." People come back because they want to. And by being in contact, showing that you still care, will typically not achieve the effect of bringing her back. It only shows that she still has control and can change it at any time. Hardly an incentive for someone to WANT to come back. Your best bet is to actually move on, showing her that you are perfectly fine without her. Sometimes the loudest statement that you can make is showing that you do NOT care. Silence speaks volumes. And more importantly, you should remember that she is not the only available woman in the world. She can be replaced.
Guest Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I thought the point of NC was to get OVER your ex whether you're the dumper or dumpee. It's supposed to help you move on with your life without them. I think doing NC when you 'secretly' want someone back is not right. Cos when you're away, yes they'll miss you and maybe think they want you back. But what happens when they have you back?They get fed up again. In my opinion NC should be the tool to move on for good, and not to entice your ex back.
loveinlife Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I thought the point of NC was to get OVER your ex whether you're the dumper or dumpee. It's supposed to help you move on with your life without them. I think doing NC when you 'secretly' want someone back is not right. Cos when you're away, yes they'll miss you and maybe think they want you back. But what happens when they have you back?They get fed up again. In my opinion NC should be the tool to move on for good, and not to entice your ex back. I agree, same thing happened to me. I broke up w my ex a year ago, recently she came back but she had a bf. For a few weekends she hanged out w me and stayed at my house. In the end, our problems resurfaced, which reminded her that she was just missing me and things won't work out. Krying- I think you are totally right. I have seen this happen personally- A friend of mine were totally sure she didn't want to be with her bf, so she dumped him. He went NC, thinking that maybe it would make a difference- it didn't, it was only because she was 100% sure she did not want him back. She doesn't even want to be friends with him. Ouch, I know. But since then, NC has helped the dumpee to move on and fill the void she left behind. He's all right now, even though he knows that his ex is 100% sure. In the mean time, I have gone NC again with my ex- short story summed up- I went NC the first time with him because he was confused when I was trying to be friends with him. His answer was always "No.", whether I asked if we would ever get back together and it drove me crazy- he did things that crossed the couples line that made me think other wise. I finally went NC, and my ex turned things around by calling me, texting me, even going as far as sending me flowers with a card that said, "Loving you, missing you, love xxx". He finally came back under the flag of friendship saying that he realized what he did was wrong, and that he wanted to be just friends. There, I had the answer- so I agreed, came out of NC. Recently, he confessed that when I went NC- he said that he realized that he had more feelings for me than he was willing to admit and told me he was still in love with me. But the catch is that, there's another girl in the picture who said she was in love with him also, and he also has feelings for her. He was confused. I have gone into NC again, to give him the space that he needs to figure out what he wants and for myself to keep moving on. This time, compared to my friend, my ex isn't sure- so I know NC will help make a difference. He told me himself "If you had gone NC the day we broke up, I would have realized my feelings sooner, than later, with someone else in the picture." So, Krying, I agree with you- NC is really a double edged sword. It is a tool that works both ways. Whether my ex comes back or not, I still intend on moving on, and NC allows me to do that. Good post! Black, im going to the same steps. Best wishes for you. Krying, You wrote about NC: What you'll find out is that there is no "magic solution." People come back because they want to. And by being in contact, showing that you still care, will typically not achieve the effect of bringing her back. It only shows that she still has control and can change it at any time. Hardly an incentive for someone to WANT to come back. Your best bet is to actually move on, showing her that you are perfectly fine without her. Sometimes the loudest statement that you can make is showing that you do NOT care. Silence speaks volumes. And more importantly, you should remember that she is not the only available woman in the world. She can be replaced. Word, good point. There are replacements. Good luck everyone!
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