Am i deluding myself?

[ktec]

OK i've been reading this site for few days now and its kinda helping, so thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts.

 

My girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me last week, we never argued, ever. We were best mates, we would talk for hours on the phone every night, and both of us cared deeply. Perhaps i let go more than she, and as a result i tended to do nice things for her, little things like when she left her diary at my house one weekend i sent it back with a nice card and some chocolate....crap like that, i just wanted to make her smile. Anyways a few weeks ago we got talking about how the relationship was a bit one sided and she felt like i was putting in all the effort.

 

She started doing nice things, making me breakfast and stuff, but then last week she came up for the weekend, we hung out on friday, but saturday she was going to her mates birthday and i was going clubbing with my mates. She turned up at the club at about 4am, and i came outside but i couldnt convince the bouncers to let her in as there was a huge queue. She insisted she would get a cab, reflecting now i wish to god now i had just dropped everything and left the club to help her out but that was exactly what she didnt want me to do.

 

Anyways she called me the next day when she woke up and it turned out she went to a party at some of her old mates where her ex-boyfriend was. She had some **** to do so we said we would hook up later, but she didnt call, so when i called her later she said she'd made plans and wouldnt see me again that weekend. I was a bit upset by this, and we didnt speak the next day on the phone.

 

On the tuesday we spoke on msn, and i could tell there was something, so i asked, "you're not happy are you?" and she said we should have a chatarama later. When we spoke later that evening she had already made her mind up, admittedly she was quite pissed, but she was adamant she didnt want to be with me. It cut me like a knife to here her say that. I shivered, i shook, i didnt sleep, i called, text, allsorts but always the answer was no. She didnt even sound like the same beautiful girl i fell completely in love with. Cold.

 

The next evening we spoke again, and she was back to the girl i love, cept she was sticking to her decision. Her reasons were that she thought i was too sensitive for her. She's just not the sort of person who is that considerate, and she's sure that it would never work. She spent two years with her ex only to find out while she thought he was amazing, she just didnt fall in love with him. And she thinks the same will happen with us. She doesnt want to waste another two years only to find out its not going to work.

 

"There's something missing" she tells me constantly. But she cant explain what that thing is. She freely admits that we got soo close sooo quickly, and that she's never opened up to anyone as much as she did with me. She also says while i never placed any kind of pressure on her, she pressured herself to come see me when she actually wanted to spend time with her mates, alone. She's said all the classics, "its not you, its me" "i just want to be single" and so on.

 

We've spoken for hours and hours since breaking up and i know she's upset that she's hurting me, but she's being very careful not to give me any indication that we would ever get back together. She's in a funny place in her life right now, she's not sure where her carreer is going, and she's unhappy for many reasons, and i dont think i was really one of them, i think she needs time to sort out where she is going in life. But she's never once said to me, "i just need some time" its always "i just want to be single" "I want a simple life" etc etc.

 

I love her soooooo much i've never felt this kind of physical reaction before, but i also know the more i show her i care the more she will run away.

 

She's said she wants to be friends, she's friends with all of her ex's. I've found it very difficult and i've bounced between "goodbye"'s and "i miss you"'s, most have receieved either no replys or "i'm sorry". The last night we spoke i text her in the morning and said "truth is, its your loss", and she replied saying "i know".

 

Yesterday i felt strong, and something inside me said "if you act strong, she will question how you got over it so quickly" so i text her saying, "hey listen, seeing as we didnt get a chance, would be cool to meet up next week, i'm totally cool now" (we broke up over the phone, something which she said she felt really awful about). She wrote back straight away saying " Yeah that would be lovely"

 

 

See here's the thing. Its her birthday on sunday and i bought a card to send her, but i havent sent it. I wanted to, but i havent. Part of me thinks it would be better to do nothing, and maybe text her right towards the end of the evening with a simple "Happy birthday babe x" so maybe she will have some time to think "has he forgotten my birthday?". Not because i want to hurt her, i just want her to miss me. In fact I'm sure she does, but perhaps not in the way i want.

 

The other question is the meeting. It would be next weekend, should i go and be strong saying i've been really busy, getting on with things, having lots of fun, or should i bail. I really want to see her, but i'm afraid i will just end up hurting more, and probably end up telling her how much i've been missing her and being hurt when she doesnt reply. I know she feels it but i dont think she would admit it. I think there's a certain amount of pride, that she made a decision and she's going to stick to it. And the fact that its supposedly "never a good idea to go back". She even said her mum completely understood what she meant when she said there was "something missing". All these things suggest that this is broken. Properly broken. Beyond repair. But its soooooooooo hard to let go. I've NEVER met someone who fitted me as perfectly as she does, and i know we were so good together.

 

WHAT THE **** DO I DO? lol

[B-3128]

take it like a man.

 

she might respond to a bit of neglect. don't be in her face. don't plead. don't resort to guilt trips. otherwise, you're scratching a mosquito bite. go meet her, but no dramatics. evade questions as to how you are etc. just talk about anything other than the relationship. and make sure you have a time constraint. coffee, an hour - tops. then you've gotta go do X Y or Z. be strong and leave, no matter how well it's going. and dont try too hard to put on that you're having tons of fun. that'll look desperate. let her work it out. arrange for a close friend to phone you up mid-meeting and keep the call going for 2 minutes. long enough to display less worship of her, but not too long to be rude. give her some space and that will maximise your chances of getting her back...

 

but women go crazy sometimes and ditch good things in their life. she doesnt love herself enough to just let some guy treat her like a queen. and if that's the case, then so be it. she's defective. nothing you can do about it other than treat her mean, keep her keen.

 

B

[u2111]

OK i've been reading this site for few days now and its kinda helping, so thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts.

 

My girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me last week, we never argued, ever. We were best mates, we would talk for hours on the phone every night, and both of us cared deeply. Perhaps i let go more than she, and as a result i tended to do nice things for her, little things like when she left her diary at my house one weekend i sent it back with a nice card and some chocolate....crap like that, i just wanted to make her smile. Anyways a few weeks ago we got talking about how the relationship was a bit one sided and she felt like i was putting in all the effort.

 

She started doing nice things, making me breakfast and stuff, but then last week she came up for the weekend, we hung out on friday, but saturday she was going to her mates birthday and i was going clubbing with my mates. She turned up at the club at about 4am, and i came outside but i couldnt convince the bouncers to let her in as there was a huge queue. She insisted she would get a cab, reflecting now i wish to god now i had just dropped everything and left the club to help her out but that was exactly what she didnt want me to do.

 

Anyways she called me the next day when she woke up and it turned out she went to a party at some of her old mates where her ex-boyfriend was. She had some **** to do so we said we would hook up later, but she didnt call, so when i called her later she said she'd made plans and wouldnt see me again that weekend. I was a bit upset by this, and we didnt speak the next day on the phone.

 

On the tuesday we spoke on msn, and i could tell there was something, so i asked, "you're not happy are you?" and she said we should have a chatarama later. When we spoke later that evening she had already made her mind up, admittedly she was quite pissed, but she was adamant she didnt want to be with me. It cut me like a knife to here her say that. I shivered, i shook, i didnt sleep, i called, text, allsorts but always the answer was no. She didnt even sound like the same beautiful girl i fell completely in love with. Cold.

 

The next evening we spoke again, and she was back to the girl i love, cept she was sticking to her decision. Her reasons were that she thought i was too sensitive for her. She's just not the sort of person who is that considerate, and she's sure that it would never work. She spent two years with her ex only to find out while she thought he was amazing, she just didnt fall in love with him. And she thinks the same will happen with us. She doesnt want to waste another two years only to find out its not going to work.

 

"There's something missing" she tells me constantly. But she cant explain what that thing is. She freely admits that we got soo close sooo quickly, and that she's never opened up to anyone as much as she did with me. She also says while i never placed any kind of pressure on her, she pressured herself to come see me when she actually wanted to spend time with her mates, alone. She's said all the classics, "its not you, its me" "i just want to be single" and so on.

 

We've spoken for hours and hours since breaking up and i know she's upset that she's hurting me, but she's being very careful not to give me any indication that we would ever get back together. She's in a funny place in her life right now, she's not sure where her carreer is going, and she's unhappy for many reasons, and i dont think i was really one of them, i think she needs time to sort out where she is going in life. But she's never once said to me, "i just need some time" its always "i just want to be single" "I want a simple life" etc etc.

 

I love her soooooo much i've never felt this kind of physical reaction before, but i also know the more i show her i care the more she will run away.

 

She's said she wants to be friends, she's friends with all of her ex's. I've found it very difficult and i've bounced between "goodbye"'s and "i miss you"'s, most have receieved either no replys or "i'm sorry". The last night we spoke i text her in the morning and said "truth is, its your loss", and she replied saying "i know".

 

Yesterday i felt strong, and something inside me said "if you act strong, she will question how you got over it so quickly" so i text her saying, "hey listen, seeing as we didnt get a chance, would be cool to meet up next week, i'm totally cool now" (we broke up over the phone, something which she said she felt really awful about). She wrote back straight away saying " Yeah that would be lovely"

 

 

See here's the thing. Its her birthday on sunday and i bought a card to send her, but i havent sent it. I wanted to, but i havent. Part of me thinks it would be better to do nothing, and maybe text her right towards the end of the evening with a simple "Happy birthday babe x" so maybe she will have some time to think "has he forgotten my birthday?". Not because i want to hurt her, i just want her to miss me. In fact I'm sure she does, but perhaps not in the way i want.

 

The other question is the meeting. It would be next weekend, should i go and be strong saying i've been really busy, getting on with things, having lots of fun, or should i bail. I really want to see her, but i'm afraid i will just end up hurting more, and probably end up telling her how much i've been missing her and being hurt when she doesnt reply. I know she feels it but i dont think she would admit it. I think there's a certain amount of pride, that she made a decision and she's going to stick to it. And the fact that its supposedly "never a good idea to go back". She even said her mum completely understood what she meant when she said there was "something missing". All these things suggest that this is broken. Properly broken. Beyond repair. But its soooooooooo hard to let go. I've NEVER met someone who fitted me as perfectly as she does, and i know we were so good together.

 

WHAT THE **** DO I DO? lol

 

Be done with her, if she wants you back she'll try to get you back. She left. You didnt. When she tries to get you back, then you have the choice. It took me a long time to realise this. The dumpee always has the upper hand when he plays it cool. Your hurting right now, I know suck it up, always be nice, always be truthful, make her be the mender SHE LEFT.

[confused_too_much]

Ok Ktec

 

know what happened? you became a big girls blouse! no offence.

 

If you wanna keep this girl then you're gonna have to show some strength and stop acting all insecure and so needy!!!

 

Dont worry about it, I am 30 years old and the last 2 years I was with a girl who I fell deeply in love with... problem was I too became a "big girls blouse" happens man, so dont worry.

 

Thats the first time I have EVER became a wuss! Any long term girlfriend (or short term) I have ever had (4 long term in total) it was generally me who did the walking, well... I dumped one and "crawlled" back to get dumped by her at a later date.... so there ya go!

 

The one thing I have noticed (and I aint reading from some book here) about my past behaviour is that for some reason most girls (I have been with anyway) "stick" to guys who dont wear their heart on a sleave nor get all moody and make issues out of little things which to be honest are never really issues. I dunno I find girls are attracted to guys who seem to exude confidence, strength (not physically) and decisiveness.

 

I was a prick, I'll admit, just over 2 years ago I changed into what I am now! a caring, sensitive, and genuinely honest faithful man.... guess what happened? I got friggen dumped! hmmm.... I dont think the caring, honest and faithful part is what happened I think it was the insecure, needy crap which happend to me when I made her my life.

 

I have been doing some serious reflection over the last few weeks. I was weak as hell, hurting and just like you lack of sleep and eating incorrectly.

 

been now a little over 4 weeks since our break up, I basically said to myself last wednesday: "ok... f**k it.... whatever... fair enough"... I am (or was) a heavy smoker, like almost 40 a day! what did I do to solidify my belief in myself? I stopped smoking immediately! its been almost a full week with no ciggies. I have started training again in Muay Thai and feel like I am getting ME back again. That confident, cocky, sure and decisive guy is coming back...

 

woopeedoo!!!! hehe

 

now heres the wierd thing! what do you think is happening over in the ex's camp? she's getting a little curious... now mate, dont get me wrong here, I'd give anything to get her back but I have to admit, sometimes there is a little voice pops into my head and says "hey... do you really want her back?"... it's wierd, I try to fight it away, it's like two people, one wants her and the other doesnt....

 

My advice is to go NC... but mate you must and I mean MUST work on yourself. Take up a martial art, it boosts the confidence big time, I say martial art, if you want quick results then take up Boxing, Thaiboxing or Brazilian JuJitsu... fast results!

 

Sit with yourself for an hour or so and really man, tell youself what you need to hear. I have cried and a lot too when we just broke up... damn I think we all cried and probably still do!

 

There comes a time when you have to seriously look at yourself and tell YOURSELF "f**k this bulls**t, I am no longer allowing her to have such a grip on me".

 

I am in NC now, I am sticking to my guns, I get on with stuff, there are times when I am totally up there and feeling strong andthere are brief moments of utter missery. I know (just like it was when stopping smoking) these bouts of missery pass and I will emerge stronger than when I had entered the missery!!!

 

Strength, confidence and decisivness. Just cut ties to better yourself and you will see the results pretty soon once you start to feel better.

[theadventure50120]

I think the problem we become wusses is they tell us were going to be together forever , we believe it...and think of the future. Not bothering about what is going on inbetween. While there making us wusses and we have no idea until they dump us.

 

I am also back to what i was back then , cocky and funny person i was and the ex is getting none of it. While she is depressed and **** , and me liking another girl now.

[ktec]

Ok Ktec

 

know what happened? you became a big girls blouse! no offence.

 

 

Dude yet again you speak much sense. I know this. I too am a heavy smoker, in fact more so since this break up, but i know the best thing for me is to throw myself into working on myself, get in the gym, go kitesurfing, get healthy, quit smoking, and use my love for her as my strength. Since we broken i have neglected myself, smoked more, drank more, because i tell myself i dont care about myself, but i know this is wrong. this wont last and it wont make me be the confident sexy guy she once liked so much. i need to get back to being me, i just need to believe there is a reason, a purpose behind all of this, that there is someone out there who is even more perfect for me than she. She brought sunshine into my world, made everything make sense, and made the world a beautiful place to be. Now without her it seems bleek and barron, its hard to motivate oneself with that outlook but you're right, once i get stuck in and start to see the benefits things wont look so bad........i will try....and thankyou...

[D-Lish]

Sometimes you just have to look at the break up as an "opportunity".

There's never a better time to take charge and do something positive to enrich your life. Me? I hit the gym- hard...and I dove into devising a new business plan at work that I am now implementing. It takes your mind off things for one... but it really does help you build confidence and find value in yourself again post heartbreak.

 

Chicks really do dig confident guys. Don't confuse this with arrogance though. Confidence with an air of sensitivity is really quite sexy.

[ktec]

Be done with her, if she wants you back she'll try to get you back. She left. You didnt. When she tries to get you back, then you have the choice. It took me a long time to realise this. The dumpee always has the upper hand when he plays it cool. Your hurting right now, I know suck it up, always be nice, always be truthful, make her be the mender SHE LEFT.

 

 

Thanks, i feel you're right, and your words are strangely comforting.

Thing is i've gone and arranged to meet her next week, but should i make my excuses and duck out of the meeting and leave it up to her to make the effort to re-arrange? I'm very tempted to do this because i plan to quit smoking on sunday - her birthday - as we'd both planned to do that anyway so i figure its the perfect opportunity and i can use my love for her as my strength to succeed. That combined with going regularly to the gym should have me back on track within a month, by which time i think i would be strong enough to see her without weakening and expressing my immense desire to get back together. As you said, she left, so it will only work if its her who comes back!

 

Thanks.