Losing IT!!

[feelssoright]

I just don't know what to do anymore! It has been 3 months since my affair was discovered. Since then, I have decided to work on things with my H, we have been going to MC and I have had NC with my MM, except for once. I had to get things off my mind and called him. It seemed that after I called him, things got better for me, and I felt that I could move on with my life without him in it, but, the past week has been sheer hell for me. I miss him so much, and realized how much I rreally loved him. I see him from time to time (we live in the same town)....(3 doors from eachother actually). Everytime I see him, I cry. No matter how hard I try, I cry. I try not too,and have decided that maybe hating him would be better, but I just can't. I am trying to work things out with H, but I don't know if it will. I feel that I don't deserve my H for the things I've done to him. I hurt him so bad, and this is something he will never get over. I feel he can do so much better than me. I see things with my H slowly going back to the way it was before, (neglect, him always working, living our separate lives, me being a single mother, etc...), and it scares the heck out of me. These feelings are what put me in this situation to begin with. I am not trying to justify what I did. I had an affair, I could have ended it, I could have not ever got involved in it, but I did. And now I miss him so much.. I feel like my best friend is missing, and I know that he is miserable in his life too. I feel so bad about all of this...I just don't know what to do. I am just rambling on here....so confused.

[BUTAFLY]

I understand your in a limbo stage. Wanting to move on with your life but stuck in this emotional state. Its hard. I say the problem lies within yourself. It sounds like your not satisfied with your life and you want to make changes but just don't know what or how. Is it possible to seek counseling just for yourself?

[whichwayisup]

You and your husband need to go to marriage counselling together, and you definately need to go to one on one counselling to help you cope with the loss of the MM. Until you let him go, or want to let him go, your marriage is not going to be fixed.

 

I'm sure your husband sees that you're miserable and missing the MM. Remember, he is the one who has to gain trust and his faith in you again. What are you doing to make your husband feel secure and feel that he can trust you again?

 

I see things with my H slowly going back to the way it was before, (neglect, him always working, living our separate lives, me being a single mother, etc...), and it scares the heck out of me. These feelings are what put me in this situation to begin with

 

So your husband not meeting your needs, neglecting you is the reason why you chose to have an affair...The affair is now over, and those needs are still not being met. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. Let him know what you are feeling right now! Sure, it may hurt him, but atleast you telling him what you're thinking and feeling will be honest...If you don't, and you allow yourself to turn to the MM again, the affair is going to start up again.

 

Did your husband tell the MM's wife about the affair?

 

Things to think about...

 

What if your marriage doesn't work out, has your MM said he'll leave his wife for you? Are you willing to give up on your marriage to just be the OW?

 

Until you decide what it is you want, things will remain as they are now.

[Freedom Now]

And sometimes, people are better off alone.

 

It isn't a crime to separate and decide what you want on your own.

 

Not every marriage can be saved.

[My Fair Katie]

And sometimes, people are better off alone.

 

Amen.

 

I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to live 3 doors away from the man you had an affair with. How on earth can you get closure when you're constantly seeing him, or even just his door!

 

Obviously there is something missing in your life, some time alone to figure that out could be a good thing. Not an easy thing though.

 

And I echo everyone else, marriage counseling is great, but you need individual counseling to figure out what you need that is not being met.

[feelssoright]

I started with individual counceling, and then it turned to couples counceling. We have been going every to every other week for 3 months. The more we go, the more I see what I have done to him, and how angry he is inside, and how much he doesn't trust me. I understand that. I have totally broken the trust, and I've been trying to rebuild that. I don't go anywhere alone, always bring one of the kids or a friend, he always knows where I am going. I have let him see my cell phone bills, he checks the computer, etc... The only thing I did since this all happened, to set us back was call MM and not tell H right away. He sensed it and got it out of me. That set us back quite a bit. Although I told him the conversation and everything that was said, he doesn't believe me. Which I can live with. I guess what I am having a hard time with is that I am a very independant person. I am use to coming and going as I please, and I can't do that anymore. I am living on pins and needles and I don't know how long I can put up with that.

 

When the affair was discovered (my H found an email from MM), everything stopped. MM was on vacation at the time, and had no clue what was going on here. When he got back, a friend of mine called him to warn him about staying away from me, that my H knew about the affair etc... Well from there HE told his wife. Was not a very happy week. She stalked me, called me in the middle of the night, found reasons afterwards to call me...all that stuff. Which I deserved. I did...I made her life flash before her eyes. I can't even imagine what she was thinking. I am very sorry for what I did...both to her and my H....and I guess maybe that is why I am having a hard time moving on. I cannot forgive myself. How can H forgive me if I can't? I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life looking into this mans eyes and seeing the pain I caused him.

 

MM wanted to leave his wife for me. He was ready to. I am the one that said I owed it to my H to work on things. And that he owed the same to his W. That we were selfish and that we needed to tend to them. He would have left her in a heartbeat. We had so much in common, got along so well, he was always respectful to me, called me 20 times a day to tell me I was beautiful, we went for walks, and always put me on the inside to protect me, the list goes on.... I was never treated like this. We started off as just good friends. I'm a walker, and so was he. Soon we began walking together, talking, talking and talking. It was not about sex at all...(although we did twice..which his wife doesn't know and H does) I had to be completely honest if I wanted things to work. But, sometimes I wish I'd never told him. I don't even know why it happened....maybe just the excitement, figuring this was the next step to our relationship. I don't know. But it wasn't all about that.

 

Nobody said life was gonna be easy..

[feelssoright]

Oh.....and I do not plan on going back as the OW if things do not work out with H and I. I plan on being alone. Although I have the ammunition to end his marriage right now, I will never use it. That is something that will have to come from him if he chooses to tell her. My H has wanted to tell her, but I've told him to butt out and worry about what is going on in his house... not the neighbors (literally:eek: ). If he wants to tell her fine..whatever...but, I am not going to be the one to do it, I am not that kind of person, but I guess that is something I also am expecting someday....for this to all come back up after working so hard to move on and repair things and this will come back and bite me in the arse....because she is a meany, and will come after me!! Argh..I don't know why I got myself into this.

[Sup]

I started with individual counceling, and then it turned to couples counceling. We have been going every to every other week for 3 months. The more we go, the more I see what I have done to him, and how angry he is inside, and how much he doesn't trust me. I understand that. I have totally broken the trust, and I've been trying to rebuild that. I don't go anywhere alone, always bring one of the kids or a friend, he always knows where I am going. I have let him see my cell phone bills, he checks the computer, etc... The only thing I did since this all happened, to set us back was call MM and not tell H right away. He sensed it and got it out of me. That set us back quite a bit. Although I told him the conversation and everything that was said, he doesn't believe me. Which I can live with. I guess what I am having a hard time with is that I am a very independant person. I am use to coming and going as I please, and I can't do that anymore. I am living on pins and needles and I don't know how long I can put up with that.

 

When the affair was discovered (my H found an email from MM), everything stopped. MM was on vacation at the time, and had no clue what was going on here. When he got back, a friend of mine called him to warn him about staying away from me, that my H knew about the affair etc... Well from there HE told his wife. Was not a very happy week. She stalked me, called me in the middle of the night, found reasons afterwards to call me...all that stuff. Which I deserved. I did...I made her life flash before her eyes. I can't even imagine what she was thinking. I am very sorry for what I did...both to her and my H....and I guess maybe that is why I am having a hard time moving on. I cannot forgive myself. How can H forgive me if I can't? I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life looking into this mans eyes and seeing the pain I caused him.

 

MM wanted to leave his wife for me. He was ready to. I am the one that said I owed it to my H to work on things. And that he owed the same to his W. That we were selfish and that we needed to tend to them. He would have left her in a heartbeat. We had so much in common, got along so well, he was always respectful to me, called me 20 times a day to tell me I was beautiful, we went for walks, and always put me on the inside to protect me, the list goes on.... I was never treated like this. We started off as just good friends. I'm a walker, and so was he. Soon we began walking together, talking, talking and talking. It was not about sex at all...(although we did twice..which his wife doesn't know and H does) I had to be completely honest if I wanted things to work. But, sometimes I wish I'd never told him. I don't even know why it happened....maybe just the excitement, figuring this was the next step to our relationship. I don't know. But it wasn't all about that.

 

Nobody said life was gonna be easy..

 

 

I think you need to just cut your spouses loose, let them get someone else who they can trust and that will love them. Did you two have sex in one or the other's marriage bed?

[Sup]

Oh.....and I do not plan on going back as the OW if things do not work out with H and I. I plan on being alone. Although I have the ammunition to end his marriage right now, I will never use it. That is something that will have to come from him if he chooses to tell her. My H has wanted to tell her, but I've told him to butt out and worry about what is going on in his house... not the neighbors (literally:eek: ). If he wants to tell her fine..whatever...but, I am not going to be the one to do it, I am not that kind of person, but I guess that is something I also am expecting someday....for this to all come back up after working so hard to move on and repair things and this will come back and bite me in the arse....because she is a meany, and will come after me!! Argh..I don't know why I got myself into this.

 

So lady why do YOU get to call the shots in your husbands house? If he wants to contact her, YOU let him, YOU DID THIS TO THEM!!!! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NOOOO RIGHT!!!!! Whatever happens YOU DESERVE IT!

[whichwayisup]

The only thing I did since this all happened, to set us back was call MM and not tell H right away. He sensed it and got it out of me. That set us back quite a bit. Although I told him the conversation and everything that was said, he doesn't believe me. Which I can live with. I guess what I am having a hard time with is that I am a very independant person. I am use to coming and going as I please, and I can't do that anymore. I am living on pins and needles and I don't know how long I can put up with that.

 

Well, part of the consquences of your actions is what is happening now. You did this to your husband, you cheated and broke his trust in you. It's going to take him a LONG time to trust you fully, if ever. Also, you and the MM talking again and not telling your husband first, he sensed something was wrong and THEN you told him was a GIANT step backwards in the recovery. How is he supposed to trust you? Your words may not be following your actions. Meaning, I'm sure part of him forgiving you and working on the marriage was for you and the MM to be in no contact - Yet, you and the MM talked...

 

How can H forgive me if I can't? I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life looking into this mans eyes and seeing the pain I caused him.

Then you go to one on one counselling and deal with it somehow, if you can't forgive yourself and try your best to make things good again with your husband, then you might as well divorce. Beating yourself up over and over again isn't helping.

 

Also, your exMM's wife has the right to know what your husband knows. You calling the shots on that and trying to control that type of information is wrong. You're thinking of yourself and how it could affect you, not that maybe his wife needed to know all of the truth so they could fix their marriage.

[puddleofmud]

So lady why do YOU get to call the shots in your husbands house? If he wants to contact her, YOU let him, YOU DID THIS TO THEM!!!! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NOOOO RIGHT!!!!! Whatever happens YOU DESERVE IT!

 

She DOES have a right to ask questions here and receive advice as she is trying to get herself together.

I would ask YOU what are YOU doing for yourself right now other than yelling at people?

[puddleofmud]

You may have to accept that if you truly want your husband "back" and your family intact that you may have to live on "pins and needles" for as long as it takes. And that could be a very long time! Sigh...

This is most difficult due to locality of the other party. Even you are having trouble with this--so it is only natural your husband is as well.

It is up to you to decide which you currently value most: "YOUR" independence vs. the pain you have caused and what it will take LONG TERM to fix it.

[Sup]

She DOES have a right to ask questions here and receive advice as she is trying to get herself together.

I would ask YOU what are YOU doing for yourself right now other than yelling at people?

 

 

It seems VERY hypocritical for her to be demanding her husband to not contact OM's wife to let her know what's going on, while she got to sleep around on him! That's BULLCRAP!

[puddleofmud]

Should that have been what your post was about then you may have simply said that and not attacked.

This is someone about which you have little knowlege and as such you have no right to bring about big guns upon them.

This poster has already expressed what you seem so ready to point a finger and feels remorse. There is no need to set the knife deeper other than to perhaps make yourself feel more righteous.

Again, you seem to be in great pain and for that I am sorry.

But expressing yourself in a manner to which you only bring pain to others will not bring you any thing other than temporary release from whatever Big Guns hurt you.

And by all means do ASK for help here as we would all be most gracious as to embrace you.

If you do not wish to take the invitation I will implore you to be gracious about yourself and not be so hard on others!

[Sup]

I will at least ask you this question PM, It's not meant to be harsh of course, and please don't think I'm trying to get into your bussiness, but, what do you know of great pain? However, Thank You for your concerns and regrets. As for my pain, you would never want to feel it, (emotionaly) It would kill you......

[puddleofmud]

I would never compare my pain to another other other than to care because I have been in pain.

I would never demand that another tell me their pain because when one has been through horror one does not ask nor expect another to re-visit.

I do care because I choose to do so, because I WANT to care.

Tread lightly, dear, because you may find persons who have been through indecent horrors which may would bring you to your knees.

For heavens sake do you not read a newspaper?

There will always be others who have suffered more and suffered less than ourselves.

However, your point is well taken: this pain that you are suffering is muderous. Do you want to heal or do you just want others to suffer?

Do you wish to continue an hateful driven life?

You should be proud because you are still living, when you felt it would kill you and didn't. You survived. Survivors have so much to offer this world

There is a saying> "The oppressed too often become the greatest opressors"

It's your choice...

[Sup]

I can tell you that I am much better than I was, that may sound scary. However I do agree on one point, there are others who DO suffer more...... some less....... Many don't survive in either case. This is my last post on this thread, lest someone has a question........

[puddleofmud]

Glad you are as well as you can be for now. It's baby steps for all of us!

Take care of yourself.

[bonehead]

So lady why do YOU get to call the shots in your husbands house? If he wants to contact her, YOU let him, YOU DID THIS TO THEM!!!! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NOOOO RIGHT!!!!! Whatever happens YOU DESERVE IT!

 

I take issue with this on a safety level.

 

She has already stated the BS stalked her, made late night calls to her. The actions on the part of the BS would have me a little concerned with giving her even more information at this time.

 

How dare she do what to her husband? Tell him not to tell even more details AFTER the BS disturbing behavior?

 

OW/FOW has been killed in these types of situations.

[Trialbyfire]

There appears to be a major trust issue on the side of the H and no strong conviction on the part of the WS to want this relationship to work, even though they are both going through the motions. In order for this relationship to repair, the WS will have to give more and continue to give more over time. That the marriage was already in trouble previously due to the H's neglect, makes me wonder what the two parties are attempting to salvage. There seems to be so much unhappiness on both sides.

[feelssoright]

So lady why do YOU get to call the shots in your husbands house? If he wants to contact her, YOU let him, YOU DID THIS TO THEM!!!! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NOOOO RIGHT!!!!! Whatever happens YOU DESERVE IT!

 

I absolutely know where you are coming from. You're right, I don't have any right to call any shots. But, you have to understand, that MM's W is a very scary woman. I got stalked, got thrown into her car for interrigation, and dumped to walk miles from home. She never physically hurt me, but , It could come to that. I think that for safety sake, we let them work on their marriage on their own. I am worried about what is going on in my home. I know I was honest with H, and told him everything so that we could move on. My only concern, and the only reason I really would have like H to tell MM's W, is the fact that I am working on my marriage and trying to repair and rebuild, but, have in the back of my mind that this may come back to light some day because of this information. So, FYI, I didn't order H not to tell her, we came to the decision together. He said he may tell her someday when things cool off..but, I wish not, just for the fact that it will bring everything back up again. But, I will have to take whatever comes. I do deserve it.

TrialbyfireThere appears to be a major trust issue on the side of the H and no strong conviction on the part of the WS to want this relationship to work, even though they are both going through the motions. In order for this relationship to repair, the WS will have to give more and continue to give more over time. That the marriage was already in trouble previously due to the H's neglect, makes me wonder what the two parties are attempting to salvage. There seems to be so much unhappiness on both sides.

 

 

Nobody sees the neglect anymore. That in his, and everyones eyes is minor right now compared to what I did. I am not looking for pity here, but although it is not important to him or anyone, and the affair is the main problem in his eyes, I see his behavior is what brought this on. He is trying, or should I say , was trying. For the first few weeks when the A came to light, he realized how he treated me without noticing, and it changed. In his mind he was working and always away from the family and not doing anything with us....FOR US...and to have a good life.. but, didn't realize what it was doing to me in and the kids. I was to the point that I didn't even want him around anymore. I resented him, I really didn't like him anymore. And this was even before the A took place. MM was just someone that was there to listen to me. He was my friend. My first mistake was confiding in a man about my problems. You might be saying that instead of talking to MM, I should have talked to H. I DID!! On many occasions I told him that if he didn't want to be a part of our life then to just tell me. Many times I told him I felt alone, like a single Mom, working full time, cooking, cleaning, taking care of financials, and running my own business to boot! I needed him, and told him I needed him, and it wasn't getting through. I was lonely. So, only after the A came about did he realize exactly how alone and needy I was. It changed for about a month, so he could show me he could change. But, slowly it is gettting back to where it was. He's working more, getting more attached to his recliner again at night, withdrawing, etc.... I just don't know what to do anymore. He told me to slap him in the head if he ever got this way again, but, I can't. It's who he is...and I have to live with that. I shouldn't have to tell him...he should know. I do love him...he is the father of my children....I fell in love with him once many years ago, and I am hoping that I will be able to again someday. One day at a time I guess.....

[Chapter2]

Hi FSR.

 

I know you're a wreck. I felt nervous just reading your post so I can imagine your nerves must be completely raw.

 

Please don't take this as the dumbest advice you've ever heard but one thing that helps me now and when things were so horrible at the beginning of my journey was to purpose to take one hour, one day at a time. LITERALLY. There were days when I would get to the end of an hour and say out loud, okay, you made it to the end of this hour and you are okay. You are going to be okay. Sounds psycho, I know, but you have to draw on anything you can.

 

Try to get a counselor or therapist that's all your own. Its important for you to have someone that is your ally so that you can start the process of forgiving yourself. Living under continuous guilt will not bring healing. Forgiving yourself and purposing to work an hour at a time will bring healing.

 

I'm so sorry. I know you are hurting and I know you are trying. If there is anyone on this board you find that you relate to or really click with then PM them and ask them to hold you accountable. My saving grace through my entire saga was having an accountability partner. It has saved me from my own worst enemy (ME!!!) on many occassions.

[feelssoright]

Thank you Chapter2, your advice makes alot of sense. I guess in a sense I am living hour by hour. All I can do is think, think, think. I need a hobby!!

 

H talked to me about D this morning. It was hard, but kind of relieving at the same time, to know he is thinking of it too, and that its not just me. We had a family gathering yesterday (his side) and I found it very difficult. He saw that. I was hoping to hold everything together until after the holiday's, but, honestly, I cannot see going through what I did last night again. It is very hard. They know everything that went on, and they blame me, and will of course never look at me the same again. I use to be so close to his family. Now, I feel like an outsider, like I don't belong there. He has a big family...plenty of sis-in-laws and bro-in laws and nephews. I just do not feel comfortable with them anymore. I don't know where things will go from here, but we will see in the HOURS to come..