Tomtabear Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 To all of those whom had been reading my posts here goes. My husband passed away a few days ago. It had been a tough two years with all the tests and being in and out of the hospital. I'm glad he is not suffering and I feel he is with his mom and dad now since they both passed before him. I wish in some ways he was still here for his kids and grandkids. I'm glad I no longer have to pretend to be in love with him but I would have changed places with him in a heartbeat because he left so many behind. I know I should feel guilty for my affair with my MM but I still don't. My MM told me he loved me and I tried to end it with him because I felt he needed to make a choice the W or me. I ended up calling him anyway. I couldn't stand being without him because I do love him with all my heart. He says he still loves his wife and he is not going to leave her and that I knew that in the beginning. I think he is really torn though. Sometimes I think he has second thoughts about leaving his wife. Just by the things he says. But maybe it's just me. Maybe I want to be with him so bad that I'm imagining things. But I know with even the slightest touch from him it sends lightening bolts through my body and I feel that if I feel this way that he must feel the same or else why would I feel like this. It feels mutual. Since my husbands passing I will eventually move back to where I was born. My MM has told me to wait until the beginning of the year so he can drive the moving truck. I have not asked him to do this and had told him that it would be all or nothing. But he still insists. I was joking about him stalking me and he said he just wanted to make sure I would be okay. I told him I would because my mom would be there and she would make sure everything was okay with me. I have read so many posts from people on here and nothing ever seemed to match my situation. But they are all different. But I am beginning to think that the percentage that say he will not leave his wife are right. He won't leave and you will be heart broken.
lasan Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I am so sorry. I am also a widow. I have been widowed for just over two years now. I really suggest you get a good therapist, because at some point I suspect you are going to start feeling really guilty even if you really didn't love your husband anymore. I used to belong to a widow's support group, and there were several women in your situation. I hope that you find peace in this troubled time.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 First off, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Hopefully his passing was as peaceful and painless as possible and you will give yourself mourning time in all this. I think he is really torn though. Sometimes I think he has second thoughts about leaving his wife. Just by the things he says. But maybe it's just me. Maybe I want to be with him so bad that I'm imagining things. But I know with even the slightest touch from him it sends lightening bolts through my body and I feel that if I feel this way that he must feel the same or else why would I feel like this. It feels mutual. None of this matters because... He says he still loves his wife and he is not going to leave her Since my husbands passing I will eventually move back to where I was born. My MM has told me to wait until the beginning of the year so he can drive the moving truck. Why wait? Make your break now. Tell him goodbye, move away, break off all contact and start your life over. If you want to know whether or not he'll leave his wife - this is the only way to know that. Go to 'no contact' - tell him that you care for him but can no longer be involved with a man who is married to someone else. If he wants to be with you, he has to be divorced and ready to start a life with you. If he wants to be with you, he will divorce his wife and come to you. If not, then well... you are already out the door. Better to start a whole new life than to suffer in the half life that he offers you. As long as you condone and enable the OW/MM situation you will never be more to him than you are right now, and you will never have more than you do right now. If settling for that less of a life makes you happy, then stay with him. Otherwise, take back your pride, your dignity and your motivation and move on without him. You can find love and happiness again, but you will only ever know a fraction of that with the MM. But he still insists. I was joking about him stalking me and he said he just wanted to make sure I would be okay. He cares for you. He'd be inhuman otherwise. All of the caring in the world won't change the fact that he isn't going to leave his wife. You can look for signs and signals from him to verify that he does indeed care about you and you'll find them easily. What you won't find is a man who is ready to leave his wife.
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I am sorry to hear about your husband, and I'm sure he's at peace now. I feel for your children and extended family. As for your MM, LJ's post is amazing and I hope you really listen to her advice. If he loves you enough, and wants to be with you, he will do all that is necessary to be with you, the right way. Don't stay as the OW in his life. By doing that you're enabling him to have his cake and eat it too. And, you're selling yourself short, missing out alot in a relationship because you can't have ALL part of him and his life.
Spinderella Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Really sorry for your loss. Peace to you also. Perhaps you should be nice to yourself for awhile and stop seeing the MM who isnt going to leave his wife. I agree you should make a fresh start now, when everything else has already changed, rather than giving yourself more changes in a few months time. Also if you will be near your family, you will have more support.
puddleofmud Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I am deeply saddened to hear of your loss. Though you may have fallen out of love at some point;surely you did love your husband at one time and the loss is no less difficult for you. This was and will always be a significant part of your life and you deserve time to grieve and find release for all of these feelings. Even when death is "expected" it does not make the loss any more acceptable. Please allow yourself all the time you need! I tenderly suggest that you do so such without further "outside" parties. Please concentrate on your own best interests by allowing yourself some distance and time, although I hope for you that you will not feel badly about yourself for reaching out for comfort during what is probably the worst time of your life. Bless you and stay in touch.
Sup Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 To all of those whom had been reading my posts here goes. My husband passed away a few days ago. It had been a tough two years with all the tests and being in and out of the hospital. I'm glad he is not suffering and I feel he is with his mom and dad now since they both passed before him. I wish in some ways he was still here for his kids and grandkids. I'm glad I no longer have to pretend to be in love with him but I would have changed places with him in a heartbeat because he left so many behind. I know I should feel guilty for my affair with my MM but I still don't. My MM told me he loved me and I tried to end it with him because I felt he needed to make a choice the W or me. I ended up calling him anyway. I couldn't stand being without him because I do love him with all my heart. He says he still loves his wife and he is not going to leave her and that I knew that in the beginning. I think he is really torn though. Sometimes I think he has second thoughts about leaving his wife. Just by the things he says. But maybe it's just me. Maybe I want to be with him so bad that I'm imagining things. But I know with even the slightest touch from him it sends lightening bolts through my body and I feel that if I feel this way that he must feel the same or else why would I feel like this. It feels mutual. Since my husbands passing I will eventually move back to where I was born. My MM has told me to wait until the beginning of the year so he can drive the moving truck. I have not asked him to do this and had told him that it would be all or nothing. But he still insists. I was joking about him stalking me and he said he just wanted to make sure I would be okay. I told him I would because my mom would be there and she would make sure everything was okay with me. I have read so many posts from people on here and nothing ever seemed to match my situation. But they are all different. But I am beginning to think that the percentage that say he will not leave his wife are right. He won't leave and you will be heart broken. I have to wonder if/when your children find out one day what you did to their dad, how you lied and cheated to him, what they will think of you. And yes it DOES happen, just a thought for you to ponder on..... I am sorry about your husband, at least he doesn't have to worry about the pain of what you did to him.
puddleofmud Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I have to wonder if/when your children find out one day what you did to their dad, how you lied and cheated to him, what they will think of you. And yes it DOES happen, just a thought for you to ponder on..... I am sorry about your husband, at least he doesn't have to worry about the pain of what you did to him. This is most uncessessary and cruel if not just evil! You should be ashamed of yourself. Kicking someone in the gut when they are dealing with DEATH, no matter the circumstances is just wrong, wrong and more wrong. Should you be in so much pain that you must do this kind of thing than I would hope that you not walk but RUN to the nearest counselor you can find! I am more sorry for you because what goes around does come around and I wouldn't want to be you when this one comes back. Sorry, folks, but I couldn't abide this one....
Spinderella Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I have to wonder if/when your children find out one day what you did to their dad, how you lied and cheated to him, what they will think of you. And yes it DOES happen, just a thought for you to ponder on..... I am sorry about your husband, at least he doesn't have to worry about the pain of what you did to him. This is a really horrible post, awful in fact. Dont want to make you feel bad, but maybe you should think before you speak.
Sup Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 This is a really horrible post, awful in fact. Dont want to make you feel bad, but maybe you should think before you speak. It's too bad people DON'T THINK before they have an affair, which one is worse?
Sup Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 This is most uncessessary and cruel if not just evil! You should be ashamed of yourself. Kicking someone in the gut when they are dealing with DEATH, no matter the circumstances is just wrong, wrong and more wrong. Should you be in so much pain that you must do this kind of thing than I would hope that you not walk but RUN to the nearest counselor you can find! I am more sorry for you because what goes around does come around and I wouldn't want to be you when this one comes back. Sorry, folks, but I couldn't abide this one.... It already has in advance...... I found out about one of my parent's affair in the middle of class at school years ago, I'm not going into it, but the shame would make anyone mad! By the way, I did say I was sorry about her husband passing. I was NOT mocking that, IMO she has already done that by her actions. I was just stating the truth, and sometimes that does hurt. And lastly what she did to her husband, there was NO excuse for that either. Oh, and that wasn't evil?
puddleofmud Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Too often and often at INAPPROPRIATE times/ ways we express what we feel may be the truth. And too often the truth may be about perceiving others through our own personal "crap". This particular crap isn't the do all and be all of what is the truth. As hard as it is; it's just a tiny drop in our little world's bucket. It may be only the truth as we know; it may be not what is actually happening in another situation. The truth does hurt but should not be held hostage as to make others feel badly as subjective nor as a weapon. When one chooses to use such in this way one may be denied one's own healing. The truth in this regard is that your responses are counter productive to the poster as well as to yourself!
Spinderella Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 And too often the truth may be about perceiving others through our own personal "crap". This particular crap isn't the do all and be all of what is the truth. As hard as it is; it's just a tiny drop in our little world's bucket. It may be only the truth as we know; it may be not what is actually happening in another situation. Very good. I agree with this completely.
Author Tomtabear Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 All of the children are adults now not young kids and they were my husbands. None by me. And for those who think that this is awful I agree it sounds really bad. But if you had read my previous posts you would know that long before I started the affair and long before he got sick we were living as roommates. There was no intimacy physically or mentally. And I did love my husband for being who he was but I wasn't in love. And although I was having an affair I was always there for him when he needed me for whatever it was.
erika2610 Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 It already has in advance...... I found out about one of my parent's affair in the middle of class at school years ago, I'm not going into it, but the shame would make anyone mad! By the way, I did say I was sorry about her husband passing. I was NOT mocking that, IMO she has already done that by her actions. I was just stating the truth, and sometimes that does hurt. And lastly what she did to her husband, there was NO excuse for that either. Oh, and that wasn't evil? Don't take your anger out on this lady who just lost her husband. You're just coming across as a very coldhearted person right now. Ever heard "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? And don't forget about Karma. Tomtabear, I am so so sorry for you loss. *hugs*.
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