Am I really a selfish b****?

[Guest]

Hello, I'm seeking opinions -- good, bad, and ugly. Please feel free.

 

Here's my story. I met a guy a couple of years ago at a special interest group meeting that I belong to. Actually, I met lots of people there -- lots of nice guys, and I was/am friends with lots of them. As it turned out, this one and I had a lot in common and just had a good time talking about the special interest groups' issues, plans, future, etc. He was married and told me right away. Although I liked the guy right away, I placed him in the "friend" category and never thought it would be any other way. (His wife had no interest the special interest group.) I should also mention that he has no kids and had been married about a year or two when we met.

 

One day we were talking about the groups plans and he was proposing that we work on some of the groups' missions and goals together, which was fine -- but the plans escalated and he and I both realized that what he wanted to do was impossible because of his commitment to his wife because of the amount of time it would take require. We sort of looked at each other and knew that it was impossible. Shrugged our shoulders and went home.

 

Next week, he calls me and tells me that he's baffled, has no idea how to handle his feelings, but tells me that he loves me "in a platonic way". I panic -- this guy's married. I remind him of that and tell him that I care about him a lot and that he is a special friend, but that that's all we can be to one another. But secretly, I'm deeply in love with him but push the feelings away.

 

Over the period of the next few weeks, he calls me regularly, we discuss the group's plans because that was what we could focus on "safely". He tells me he loves me and that he can't believe the bad timing. He says "I've waited 40 years to find you. Why didn't I meet you sooner?" He starts talking about "what if I wasn't married?" I tell him that that is up to him. I tell him that I want him to be happy, whether it is with his wife, with me, or with some third party.

 

Another couple of weeks go by. His wife finds a bunch of letters we've sent each other at his house. Many of them are simply about group activities, but in many he talks about how he feels about us and how he feels about his marriage. She is devastated and angry. She asks him to leave. He asks me if he can stay with me for a while. I tell him that I think it would be best if he spent some time on his own, to sort things out, but also tell him if he needs a place to stay, he can stay with me. He tells his wife that he loves me and wants to divorce. She writes me a letter in which she explains what a horrible person I am and why. She files for divorce.

 

He moves in with me. We go out on dates for the first time and become physical in our relationship for the first time. Our passion for each other and our passion within the special interest group blossom together. His resulting divorce is ugly.

 

It's now been about a year and a half since he left his wife and moved in with me. It's been the happiest time in my life. However, I cannot get past the letter his STBXW sent me where she explains why I am a horrible person.

 

My question: am I a horrible person? Also, is there anything I should do to try to promote peace among all parties? I don't wish anything bad for anyone, but support the choices he made. I wish no one's feelings were hurt, but I didn't see any other way.

 

Thank you for your time.

[whichwayisup]

Seeing as they don't have children, you don't need to be the peacemaker.

 

His ex has a right to feel the way she does, her anger and hurt is directed at you both. He betrayed her in the worst way, and fell for another woman. You knew all along that he was married and let yourself fall for him.

 

The situation itself is horrible and sad. She got hurt badly and lost her husband to you.

 

The best thing to do is move on and let them sort out their mess from the divorce. Yes, you were part of the reason why they divorced, but he also decided NOT to try to fix things with his wife.

[BenThereDunThat]

Just the fact that you're worried about being a horrible person says, to me anyway, that you're not. Believe me, I know the feeling. I am very good at turning every situation upside-down, sideways, and inside-out, and still will come out feeling like I should have done something different, feeling like I should have been better.

 

Whatever problems were there between them, YOU did not cause them.

 

Granted, I don't know your whole situation. But, it seems to me that her anger should be directed at him, or maybe even herself. Maybe that's it. Maybe she is really angry with herself for marrying him, loving him, not loving him, whatever.

 

People get married for the wrong reasons lots of times. It sounds like your guy realized that and is doing what he needs to to get out (rectify?) of the situation. I hope that is the case.

 

Good luck, hang in there, and don't hesitate to give us a shout when you need to.

[amerikajin]

My question: am I a horrible person? Also, is there anything I should do to try to promote peace among all parties? I don't wish anything bad for anyone, but support the choices he made. I wish no one's feelings were hurt, but I didn't see any other way.

 

You are not a horrible person but you've made a horrible series of mistakes. The guy is also guilty of the same bad judgment, or so it would seem. In either case, not having children is no justification for what went down. The woman found the love letters and obviously felt that she was living in a relationship that was no longer honest - and yes, you're drawn into this because you're the one who he's been involved with.

 

The guy is obviously attracted to you, but seriously, do you really think that this guy is marriage material? "I've waited 40 years to find you"..."My soulmate"...bad ways to end a marriage. Don't you think he said all of those things to his wife some years ago whenever they met? What makes you think your relationship is going to end any differently.

 

I'm not judging you in whole, I've done stupid and immoral things myself and I regret them. You can be a decent person overall even in light of this. You let your passions get the better of you - it does happen. But here, in this situation, you're clearly in the wrong, as is your partner. I don't know what you do now. If it were me I might do the 'friendly' thing and encourage him to go back to his wife and even write a letter to her telling her how sorry you are for what happened.

[BenThereDunThat]

FINALLY...someone who knows how to spell JUDGMENT.....

 

Sorry. Pet peeve.

 

Carry on.....

[whichwayisup]

Potatos, potatoes.

 

In the US at least, judgment is still preferred and judgement is considered incorrect by many American style guides. As with many such spelling differences, both forms are equally acceptable in Canadian English and Australian English.

[BenThereDunThat]

Potatos, potatoes.

 

 

I know. I just had a witch of a grammar teacher....

[Joelle]

Truthfully, I don't think you're a horrible person. The STBXW misplaced her hostility. She and her H were responsible for their marriage, not you. If she needs to hold anybody accountable, it would be herself and her H. Just my opinion.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

1. My question: am I a horrible person?

2. Also, is there anything I should do to try to promote peace among all parties?

 

1. No, but the BW will always see you as horrible because you willingly and knowingly went for a man who was married to someone else. Like it or no, for the majority that would be considered a horrible thing to do. Does that mean you are a horrible person? Well, no. But understand that people will always equate what you did with who you are. Not much you can do about that. Best to simply move on, and live your life by your choosing. If it really bothers you, perhaps some individual counseling will help you. How does your dMM feel about it? Do you talk to him about it? What does W think of him? After all, he was the one who ultimately broke the marriage. Does she have hostility toward him too?

 

2. No. Best to stay out of that mess.

[Guest]

"Seeing as they don't have children, you don't need to be the peacemaker."

 

Of course, but if there was a way to help or make things better between them that I haven't thought of, I feel that I should.

 

"His ex has a right to feel the way she does, her anger and hurt is directed at you both. He betrayed her in the worst way, and fell for another woman. You knew all along that he was married and let yourself fall for him."

 

Of course, I'm sure she feels anger toward me and everyone has a right to do so. You're right, I let myself fall for him.

 

"The situation itself is horrible and sad. She got hurt badly and lost her husband to you."

 

Yes, and I feel badly for her but also don't know what I should have done differently.

 

"The best thing to do is move on and let them sort out their mess from the divorce. Yes, you were part of the reason why they divorced, but he also decided NOT to try to fix things with his wife."

 

This is true. I guess I have moved on, but wanted to seek out others' opinions. Thank you for your time.

[Guest]

"Just the fact that you're worried about being a horrible person says, to me anyway, that you're not. Believe me, I know the feeling. I am very good at turning every situation upside-down, sideways, and inside-out, and still will come out feeling like I should have done something different, feeling like I should have been better."

 

Thank your for your support. That's exactly how I feel -- quesitoning myself and wondering what I should have done differently or better.

 

"Whatever problems were there between them, YOU did not cause them."

 

This is very true. Their problems were theirs and theirs alone. I simply tried to steer clear of their issues.

 

"Granted, I don't know your whole situation. But, it seems to me that her anger should be directed at him, or maybe even herself. Maybe that's it. Maybe she is really angry with herself for marrying him, loving him, not loving him, whatever."

 

Her anger is directed at him and me. Each person has a right to feel what they feel.

 

"People get married for the wrong reasons lots of times. It sounds like your guy realized that and is doing what he needs to to get out (rectify?) of the situation. I hope that is the case."

 

I think it is. Personally, I think he "compromised" too much, at least in his own mind, because he thought he'd never meet the "right" match. It's awful that she paid the price for his "compromise". (And, just to be clear, I'm not saying anything bad about her -- there is nothing wrong with her, just that she didn't have that much in common with him.)

 

"Good luck, hang in there, and don't hesitate to give us a shout when you need to."

 

Thank you so much for your support!

[Guest]

"You are not a horrible person but you've made a horrible series of mistakes. The guy is also guilty of the same bad judgment, or so it would seem. In either case, not having children is no justification for what went down. The woman found the love letters and obviously felt that she was living in a relationship that was no longer honest - and yes, you're drawn into this because you're the one who he's been involved with."

 

It's quite possible I've made a horrible series of mistakes, and that's why I'm here. Thank you for your honesty. I'm trying to figure out -- did I make mistakes? If so, what should I have done differently?

 

"The guy is obviously attracted to you, but seriously, do you really think that this guy is marriage material? "I've waited 40 years to find you"..."My soulmate"...bad ways to end a marriage. Don't you think he said all of those things to his wife some years ago whenever they met? What makes you think your relationship is going to end any differently."

 

Maybe he's not "marriage material". I don't know -- I'm not sure what that means. I think we have potential, as a couple, or I wouldn't be here I suppose. I'm sure he said such things to his wife when then met. I'm not sure what that has to do with the situation now.

 

"I'm not judging you in whole, I've done stupid and immoral things myself and I regret them. You can be a decent person overall even in light of this. You let your passions get the better of you - it does happen. But here, in this situation, you're clearly in the wrong, as is your partner. I don't know what you do now. If it were me I might do the 'friendly' thing and encourage him to go back to his wife and even write a letter to her telling her how sorry you are for what happened."

 

I hope I can be a decent person in light of this and in light of my whole life. I never asked him to leave his wife. I never expected his reaction to our friendship. I supported his decision, but never encouraged it. It's been long enough now that I don't think going back to his wife is an option. However, now, or at any time in the future, I would support his decision to return to his wife or even some third party. If you care about someone, don't you want them to be happy?

 

I've been thinking about writing a letter to his wife to appologize. It's crossed my mind many times. I'm actually afraid that it might upset her just to hear from me, even in an appology, just because it's from me. It's something I'd really like to receive advice about because she's been hurt enough and I don't want to make it any worse.

 

Thank you for your advice.

[Guest]

Truthfully, I don't think you're a horrible person. The STBXW misplaced her hostility. She and her H were responsible for their marriage, not you. If she needs to hold anybody accountable, it would be herself and her H. Just my opinion.

 

Well, everyone has a right to an opinion. She has a right to be hostile if she chooses to. I agree that their marriage, or breakdown thereof, is their responsibility, but I see myself as a "catalyst" of sorts and feel badly for her.

 

Thanks you for your time.

[Guest]

"1. No, but the BW will always see you as horrible because you willingly and knowingly went for a man who was married to someone else."

 

This is true. I did fall for him. However, I also refused to be anything but a close friend until he resolved his relationship with his wife and either decided to repair it or end it. In my mind I put my feelings for him "in a little box" to be saved for later, if "later" ever came.

 

"Like it or no, for the majority that would be considered a horrible thing to do. Does that mean you are a horrible person? Well, no. But understand that people will always equate what you did with who you are. Not much you can do about that."

 

Wow, you really think the majority would consider it a horrible thing to do? That's depressing. What should I have done differently?

 

"Best to simply move on, and live your life by your choosing. If it really bothers you, perhaps some individual counseling will help you."

 

Maybe you're right.

 

"How does your dMM feel about it? Do you talk to him about it?"

 

We did, but mostly at the time his decision was made. He was already in counseling with his wife, and she asked him to go to individual counseling as well. He did. He feels sorry for his wife, and feels badly that things didn't end up the way she wanted them too. His goal was to be as compassionate as possible during their split. He has done so, but that doesn't seem to have abated her rage.

 

"What does W think of him? After all, he was the one who ultimately broke the marriage. Does she have hostility toward him too? "

 

Yes, very much so.

 

"2. No. Best to stay out of that mess.

"

 

Ok. Thank you for your time.

[Guest]

I'm sorry -- I made a mistake. All my answers to the above comments are contained within the quote boxes. I'm new at this.

[NoIDidn't]

I hope I can be a decent person in light of this and in light of my whole life. I never asked him to leave his wife. I never expected his reaction to our friendship. I supported his decision, but never encouraged it. It's been long enough now that I don't think going back to his wife is an option. However, now, or at any time in the future, I would support his decision to return to his wife or even some third party. If you care about someone, don't you want them to be happy?

 

I've been thinking about writing a letter to his wife to appologize. It's crossed my mind many times. I'm actually afraid that it might upset her just to hear from me, even in an appology, just because it's from me. It's something I'd really like to receive advice about because she's been hurt enough and I don't want to make it any worse.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

I say write the letter. She is upset with you, but even moreso with her H who was telling you things about her that he was not telling her. I think its a commonly held misconception held by the OW that she is the only one that the BW is angry with. She only wrote you a letter, you can imagine what she SAID to him. I mean, she kicked him out!

 

It would mean a lot to me, if I was the W in this situation.

[NoIDidn't]

Oops! - Double post.

[silktricks]

The fact that you are still so concerned about his wife and her feelings shows that you are not a terrible person. However, as LB says, many people would think you are simply because of the fact that a couple got divorced due to your presence. That said, your story shows no overt action on your part to "entice" him away, but rather implies that the overt action was initiated by him.

 

Anyway, as regards to what you should do regarding his wife: "Let sleeping dogs lie" jumps to mind. The wife could well interpret your well-intentioned communication as "rubbing salt in the wound." In other words, she may consider any attempted apology on your part as gloating rather than a heartfelt fellow feeling towards someone experiencing pain.

 

If her pain isn't prodded (as unfortunately, it probably would be by a letter, no matter how well-intentioned) in time she will recover and progress with her life. From the description in your letter is sounds like they weren't married that long, and probably no children are involved.

 

It sounds like the two of you are happy. Just let it go. If you seriously need to make some kind of atonement, I'd suggest either seeing a priest (if you're Catholic) or an IC to help you out. If neither of those appeal, you may want to make some donations to a women's shelter and think of that as a generalized sort of atonement for another woman's pain.

[Guest]

I say write the letter. She is upset with you, but even moreso with her H who was telling you things about her that he was not telling her. I think its a commonly held misconception held by the OW that she is the only one that the BW is angry with. She only wrote you a letter, you can imagine what she SAID to him. I mean, she kicked him out!

 

It would mean a lot to me, if I was the W in this situation.

 

Thank you for your input. I have no idea how much anger is directed at him, and how much at me. I would somehow like to appologize, but do not want to "rub salt in wounds", for this woman has gone through enough with her feelings being hurt. It seems that even the posters here have differening opinions, so I'm still in a quandry.

[Guest]

The fact that you are still so concerned about his wife and her feelings shows that you are not a terrible person. However, as LB says, many people would think you are simply because of the fact that a couple got divorced due to your presence. That said, your story shows no overt action on your part to "entice" him away, but rather implies that the overt action was initiated by him.

 

Anyway, as regards to what you should do regarding his wife: "Let sleeping dogs lie" jumps to mind. The wife could well interpret your well-intentioned communication as "rubbing salt in the wound." In other words, she may consider any attempted apology on your part as gloating rather than a heartfelt fellow feeling towards someone experiencing pain.

 

If her pain isn't prodded (as unfortunately, it probably would be by a letter, no matter how well-intentioned) in time she will recover and progress with her life. From the description in your letter is sounds like they weren't married that long, and probably no children are involved.

 

It sounds like the two of you are happy. Just let it go. If you seriously need to make some kind of atonement, I'd suggest either seeing a priest (if you're Catholic) or an IC to help you out. If neither of those appeal, you may want to make some donations to a women's shelter and think of that as a generalized sort of atonement for another woman's pain.

 

 

Yes, all you said is true -- though I never tried to "entice" him in any way, and actually implored him to think about what he wanted to do and how it would impact him (losing so much), the fact that I existed acted at a catalyst. For that, I am truly sorry and wish that somehow there was a win-win-win situation. After turning it over in my mind endlessly, I decided that there was no other way to deal with the situation.

 

Yes, they were married two years with no children, but were together for a few more years.

 

I don't know how to avoid the perception of "gloating". That prospect hadn't occurred to me -- I was more worried about bringing up a painful subject. I regularly contribute to battered women's shelters and the like, so doing so wouldn't really be any different.

 

Thank you for your input since I'm still waffling between appologizing or 'letting sleeping dogs lie" as you put it.

[GreenEyedLady]

I agree with Silktricks...

[Guest]

I agree with Silktricks...

 

Thanks for you input, Green.

[puddleofmud]

Since you have been living together for a year and half then I would suggest that you talk with your partner about your unresolved feelings as you two now have a relationship that should be the one you concentrate upon.

Leaving a difficult past behind is often a core issue in any relationship.

I feel you need to forgive yourself and realise that no one else can do that for you.

Why are you depending on the ex-spouse for your own well-being?

I do feel that that IS self-centered since she should not have to shoulder this--as these are YOUR feelings.

Should she have needed you for HER healing she would have already let you know....and perhaps may do so later, but until such time do not contact her! She needs to do what SHE needs about this and she should be allowed that respect.

Write a letter and mail it to yourself. Then burn it once it arrives.

If you really can't let go of this find a therapist that can help.

Forgiveness is truly devine and it says a great deal about you that you are deeply concerned about other's feelings!

[ratingsguy]

Unless there's more to your story, I really don't see what you did wrong here. It's completely normal to have feelings for a MM, but the most important thing to remember here is that you didn't act on them! For that you are to be commended (and so is the MM). You didn't get physical until after the W kicked your MM out, and that was the right thing to do. Sharing feelings with one another may have been inappropriate, but I don't think it was flat out wrong. You guys were being honest with one another. Now on the other hand, I'm knowingly having an A with a MW. What I'M doing is wrong. So please don't beat yourself up over this.

 

As for the letter, I say talk it over with the xMM. If you are honest and open with one another (which is the solid foundation for any relationship) it would probably be best to run it by him first. My own opinion - I think sending a letter may be a good idea. Time has passed and the BS can probably think more clearly now. I don't expect her to accept an apology, but she may now at least be able to respect the fact that you're trying to explain how you feel and that no malice was ever intended. If it makes you feel better, I think it's a good idea.

[Guest]

Unless there's more to your story, I really don't see what you did wrong here. It's completely normal to have feelings for a MM, but the most important thing to remember here is that you didn't act on them! For that you are to be commended (and so is the MM). You didn't get physical until after the W kicked your MM out, and that was the right thing to do. Sharing feelings with one another may have been inappropriate, but I don't think it was flat out wrong. You guys were being honest with one another. Now on the other hand, I'm knowingly having an A with a MW. What I'M doing is wrong. So please don't beat yourself up over this.

 

As for the letter, I say talk it over with the xMM. If you are honest and open with one another (which is the solid foundation for any relationship) it would probably be best to run it by him first. My own opinion - I think sending a letter may be a good idea. Time has passed and the BS can probably think more clearly now. I don't expect her to accept an apology, but she may now at least be able to respect the fact that you're trying to explain how you feel and that no malice was ever intended. If it makes you feel better, I think it's a good idea.

 

Thank you very much for your input. Of course I will speak to STBXMM about it but I wanted to get some other opinions first because he's so close to the situation that I think it would be difficult for him to be objective.

 

I worked on a draft of the appology:

----

[sTBXW Name],

 

I would like to write you an apology. I have no agenda here; I would simply like to say that I’m deeply sorry that you and [sTBXMM Name] could not work out whatever issues you had – issues that are none of my business. I know he has hurt your feelings and I am sorry he has done so. Though I have supported his decisions, I do not agree with every one that he’s made. Because I have accepted his decisions, and his decisions have caused you pain, I would like to apologize for that as well.

 

Peace.

 

[My Name]