socialight Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Ladies, need your help here, men need your experience. I have been single again for 3 months, in that time I have probably been on dates with about 10 different women to get back out there. I take these women out to dinner, events, etc, am a total gentleman, etc all, at the end of the date if it has gone really and I like them I say "i had a great time, I would like to do this again", if they say yes, I call at at schedule time and set up a second date. 5 out of 5 times it has gone like that and 5 out of 5 times within 36 hours of scheduled date they call and cancel. What am I doing wrong? Am I just that unlucky so far?
someone2 Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Hey sociallight, You are not giving any details Maybe you were unlucky, maybe it was something you did? Maybe some mysterious guy is calling these girls one by one to ruin your dates! Did you notice anything during dates? How was the body language of the girls? Did they feel like they are having a good time? Did they say anything that made you suspicious... etc?
PussInHeels Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 It strikes me odd that a woman would schedule a second date at all with you if she was no longer interested, but I guess someone women do it to "be nice." Although I think it's more rude in the end than being honest. You'd think if it was you, at least one of the five would say, "You know, I'm not interested." Or does that just not happen? At this point, don't get discouraged...if you are worried that you are doing something wrong, pay close attention to the woman's reaction/expression in the future (bored/pleased/comfortable/annoyed). I guess that's the best way to tell if you're doing something wrong if the women won't tell you.
Author socialight Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 no I think I had a pretty good read. Smiles, eye contact, playing with their hair, asking questions about me, I made them laugh, 4 out of 5 ended with a good night kiss. I called when I said I would, didn't spend too long on the phone, they all agreed to a date at a set place and time, and then like clockwork I get a cancellation within 36 hours of the actual date. I just don't have a clue. Maybe I should not express interest in a second dateat the end of the 1st? I might be just be too honest for this game!
PussInHeels Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 If a woman does really have a good time on a date, I don't see why she would be turned-off you expressed an interest in a second date on the first. On the contrary, I think it's a good idea since we also tend to worry a lot about what the guy thought of the date. If they seemed interested, and they canceled, then it might just be bad-luck or extenuating circumstances. None of them wanted to reschedule?
Author socialight Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 1 did reschedule, but that date went nowhere. With 3 I left my contact information with them and said contact me when you want to reschedule, they never did. Supposed to talk to the 5th one on friday.
PussInHeels Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Sometimes when things get screwed up and they don't happen, if we're busy, we kind of forget about them. It's happened to me a few times. Maybe this is the deal at least a portion of the 5 times?
IpAncA Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 That's rather odd. Are you sure your not doing something that may seem strange to them. Did you ask them why they didn't want to go out again? Maybe your coming on to strong and telling them things that shouldn't be said on a first date?
Author socialight Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 well, that's what I am afraid of, but for the most part I have them do about 75% of the talking, I just keep asking questions, nothing major, but try to learn about them. No discussions about kids, sex, nothing too forward or anything like that. No, I never asked them why they didn't want to go out, because it was never "I am canceling our date", it was always "I am feeling sick", or "I have a flat tire" (yes, I had 2 different girls pull the flat tire line on me in the same week), so I never embarrass them and call them on it. Maybe I just should next time.
IpAncA Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Maybe you should and see whats going on because you may be doing something that is fixable. That or maybe it's just bad luck and your going out with the wrong women.
Art_Critic Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I always make sure that the girl I'm taking out is really interested in me and not just interested in going out.. Maybe you should spend some more time with them on the phone.. that way you can use some game and create an interest that they want to explore more of... so when the first date goes off it goes well and they want more.. I have a rule about kissing a girl on the first date.. if I don't kiss her it means the kiss of death and second or third dates don't happen.. If I do kiss her then it takes off... So I always make sure I kiss a girl I'm interested in on the first date.. I did a look back at all the relationships I have had and one common denominator is the first date kiss. It sounds to me that you are not picking women that fit the winner catagory...and then they don't want more after the first date.. Groundwork and Foundation are where your problems lie.. you need to lay some first.. Dating is a dance..and you are not putting enough effort into getting your moves down before you hit the dance floor..
dgiirl Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 How are you meeting these women? Is it online dating or a blind date? It's kind of hard to reject a guy at the end of the first date, so i guess that's why they agree to it, then cancel later. It's hard not to take it personally, but at the same time, you have to understand the position the women are in too. You said you've only been single for 3 months? Are you over your last relationship? Are you talking about ex's? Do you give off any clingyness or neediness? Are you ready to date? I've been single for 2 years and have only had 1 date (and 1 practice date lol) So I think you're doing good
Author socialight Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 You said you've only been single for 3 months? Are you over your last relationship? Are you talking about ex's? Do you give off any clingyness or neediness? Are you ready to date? Met them all in person, bars, networking events, social functions, etc. Yes, over the last relationship. Didn't even mention the ex in 4 out of 5. Definately ready to date. My guess is that somehow I am subcontiously giving off clingyness or neediness but I have no idea how. What more can you do except call when you say when you call, be direct but brief, and be a gentleman. I didn't tell any of these girls I loved them, or I "needed a girlfriend", or anything about our future, just had a good time and wanted another. Sounds like its just dumb luck so far.
melodymatters Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 This is the 3rd time I've clicked on your thread, and each time I haven't answered because i have NO idea !! There's got to be some reason, thats an awful lot of coincedence's for me. I would love to help, have you heard of those weird services where you go out with a "dating coach" and they critique you ? Sounds totally gay and I would never pay for that kind of thing, but if you have a close female friend, try and autopsy the date and see if they give you any pointers. I give good " first date", so this is very interesting to me, again, let me know how I can help, i've got nothing but free time for the next 39 days......
Author socialight Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 i don't think it's gay. I don't have any problems asking for help or coaching. I wish other people didn't either. It's amazing to me that there aren't more services and stuff around -- finding a true love is the most important thing in the world, at least, to me, and people aren't willing to put time or effort into it, or consider that they need help and practice? pure stupidity to me.
amerikajin Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 no I think I had a pretty good read. Smiles, eye contact, playing with their hair, asking questions about me, I made them laugh, 4 out of 5 ended with a good night kiss. I called when I said I would, didn't spend too long on the phone, they all agreed to a date at a set place and time, and then like clockwork I get a cancellation within 36 hours of the actual date. I just don't have a clue. Maybe I should not express interest in a second dateat the end of the 1st? I might be just be too honest for this game! You're showing signs of desperation or you're just not reading the situation correctly. Are you by any chance having contact with them between dates? If so, don't do that. In the beginning, just keep the contact limited to dates unless she starts calling you and wanting to speak to you. You're either pushing her too much in between dates and showing her signs of desperation, which is repulsing her; or you're trying too hard on your dates and though she may agree to a next date in person, she'll almost always break it off once she has space. A woman will rarely ever reject you to your face. Just deal with it and move on. And, relax. Enjoy the date. Don't plan too far ahead.
Author socialight Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 well that's possible, I just wish I knew how I was doing that. I have not been making contact other than the agreed up on times. For instance -- date goes well on thursday, agree to call on monday to make plans. Call on monday to make plans for saturday, agree to call or email on friday to confirm. Friday comes and leave message to confirm, saturday afternoon get call to cancel. All signs point to what you are saying, but it must be something I am doing subconciously while on the first date. Any clues from the women on what things guys do so make themselves look desperate? I'm not desperate, but I must be coming accross that way.
amerikajin Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I think you just have to get out there and keep trying, as long as it takes to find the right person. You obviously don't have a problem pulling women, it's just keeping them that's not working out well as of late. Don't over-analyze things, just go out and try to enjoy your time together and take it pretty casually at first.
ChampionSound Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I'd suggest not talking about a second date while you are on the first one. Even when you do that at the end, you're getting in the way of letting these women use their imaginations (does he like me? will he call me back?). If you refrain from doing this, when you DO call for the second date, it can become a small victory for her, and she will value it more.
Kamille Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I really have no idea why you've had that streak of bad luck. It seems really odd. But then I read your synposis of the Thursday date, etc. and thought to myself, yeah, maybe I would think he's just not mysterious enough. Let's face it, at the beginning of relationships, we like to chase. Perhaps you could break your streak of bad luck by appearing a bit more unpredictable. So how about, after date, say you had a nice time, and then be elusive about setting up another date : "we should do this again, I'll call you next week". Gives girl that whole thrill of 'will he call?" Call on Monday - ask for date. She's happy you called. Do not say you will confirm. Confirm on Friday. She thinks it's because you're thinking about her and looking foward to the date. I don't know. I'm not fully convinced by my own advice, but it's worth a try.
Author socialight Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 it's the only thing different I have heard in 3 months so I will give it a try, thanks!
gfto Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Maybe I should not express interest in a second date at the end of the 1st? Bingo! Don't discuss future dates while you're on a date. Don't set a time to call to make the second date either. At the end of a first date, you kiss her (on the lips; not the cheek), smile and say goodnight, then disappear for a few days. Then call and make a second date. And, don't ever do this "touch base to confirm" nonsense. You either have a date or you don't. The phone is strictly for making dates, not chit chat. So, stay off the phone. I've heard the "flat tire" story too! It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything seriously wrong on these first dates. In all likelihood, these girls weren't very interested in you to begin with. The secret is to not take it personally. You should have five to ten other phone numbers to work with. Next! Just remember not to be the dreaded "nice guy." Only one compliment per date. Don't touch her. Keep it light and funny. And, don't talk about the future.
Kamille Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 what's this flat tire story all about? I need to add it to my repertoire... Seriously, flat tire? like it takes 36 hours to change a flat tire?
gfto Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 what's this flat tire story all about? I was scheduled for a third date with a girl when she left a message on my answering machine that went something like this: "Hey, I'm really really sorry to have to do this, but I can't make it tonight. I was out last night with one of my girlfriends and she got a flat tire. We had to wait for somebody to come help change the tire and I didn't get home until about 2:00 this morning, and I just don't think I'd be good company tonight." Of course, this translates to: "I'm not interested in you. Please don't call to reschedule."
Grrlish Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 I really have no idea why you've had that streak of bad luck. It seems really odd. But then I read your synposis of the Thursday date, etc. and thought to myself, yeah, maybe I would think he's just not mysterious enough. Let's face it, at the beginning of relationships, we like to chase. Perhaps you could break your streak of bad luck by appearing a bit more unpredictable. So how about, after date, say you had a nice time, and then be elusive about setting up another date : "we should do this again, I'll call you next week". Gives girl that whole thrill of 'will he call?" Call on Monday - ask for date. She's happy you called. Do not say you will confirm. Confirm on Friday. She thinks it's because you're thinking about her and looking foward to the date. I don't know. I'm not fully convinced by my own advice, but it's worth a try. Kamille, I'm not convinced OR unconvinced about your advice! At first I thought, that's silly. If I like a guy, I'm going to be thrilled if he tells me he wants to see me again at the end of the first date, and then even more thrilled if he actually calls! And, I do NOT like to chase. And I do NOT like it when a guy is unpredictable. And if I go on a date with a guy on Thursday and he waits until Monday to call, I might be a little offended. Or, at least, if he calls in the next day or two, I'm thrilled because it tells me that he just couldn't wait to tell me how wonderful he thikgs I am. But, Socialight, I cannot for the life of me figure out what might be happening. Yes, sometimes it's awkward to turn down a 2nd date in person at the end of the 1st date. I embarrassingly admit that I've done this myself (admittedly, it's a bit chicken). But the fact that you've experienced this several times lately...is odd. (And I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this.) So, while I don't totally agree with the attractiveness of appearing unpredictable (and perhaps Kamille didn't mean it in the context of a direct interpretation), perhaps leaving a little room for a little thrill (the little perk that a gal feels when she answers the phone and it's you making an 'unexpected' call) might be worth a shot..? Whether you go with the 'unpredictable' approach or not I would, however, like to make two suggestions: 1. If you have a Saturday date, confirm on Thursday evening or afternoon. 2. If you scheduled, say, a Saturday date over the previous weekend, you might consider calling maybe on Tuesday, just to say hey, how ya doin'?, looking forward to our date, hope you're having a good week so far. Keep it short and sweet. It's sort of a 5 or 10 minute reminder that you exist and how wonderful you are! But PLEASE, don't play games! If you try anything new and it feels too much like you're pretending or not being yourself, let it go. Maybe you're just going through a dry spell. It happens to the best of us. As for clingy...well, I feel that sometimes you attentive guys just can't win. If you call too much, you're clingy. If you don't call, you're selfish. There is no perfect balance or formula. You just have to be you, and you'll eventually bump into some matches for you. And you know, you never can tell where you're going to find a match. I'm an independent woman. My current boyfriend is what a lot of independent women would call clingy - especially when we first started dating. I stuck it out through the initial phases of clinginess because he's so wonderful, and I discovered that he's actually an independent person as well, and it's not so much that he's clingy...it's just that he is in love with me! (So let that be a 'lesson' to you gals who run from guys who want to spend a lot of time with you! Maybe they LIKE you!)
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