Chapter2 Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I was going to post this on the infidelity forum but decided this would be the best place for this question since so many BS's have infiltrated the OM/OW forum. Many posters in recent months stand firm in their conviction that their marriages/relationships are doing great, that your SO/WS is absolutely showering you with love and affection and that things are even better although different than before their betrayal of their commitments/vows. I have often wondered but never asked why on earth you would still be posting on LS especially in the OM/OW forum if things were so amazingly wonderful at home. Why aren't you out enjoying your re-established relationship? Why aren't you so busy being happy that you don't have the time to give former or current OM/OW "tough love" and "truth" as some of you call it. Many posters will post a scathing msg to any/all OM/OW and throw in the perfunctory "but if you've left your MM/MW then I applaud you" to cover their arss and not look so angry and vicious. Then some go right on to rip the poster to shreds within the same post. These same posters are adamant that they are not only not passing judgment but "trying to help"... I know in my own journey I came to LS to help heal and get support. I have also gone to other sites to gain support not "someone who will agree with me" as some of you have posted, just support. It is very easy to discern when someone is tearing you down or building you up even if it may not be what you want to hear. If you are really that secure and know fully that your wayward partner is committed to the rehabilitation of your relationship then why on earth do you have SO much time to spend on LS? It seems some want so desperately to be able to hurt the person that played a part in the demise of trust in their relationship that they come here to be able to shed some of that anger. Its almost like some posters delight in inflicting pain anywhere they can. My hope for myself and the friends I have made on LS is that very soon I will only be able to reach them through their private email since we will have moved on. Its very close to that now. But, for us, I admit that we don't have to constantly look at the person who so grossly betrayed us so maybe that makes it different but no less easy. I don't know.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Very good question Ch2...I wonder what the replies will look like...
BUTAFLY Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I agree with you to chapter2. I reread my posts since i came to Ls and I was lucky enough to have strong suportive women who have been in the same frazzled state I was (still am) and were willing to share stories and things they did to get through rough times. Those days are gone. It seems all who is in the OW/OM fourm are BS. I feel it should be a safe place (like it use to be) for people who find themselves in situations who need to talk or express themselves and get advise from those who have been there. This place has turned into a battle ground where OW/OM need to defend themselves. I try to stay on LS because I want to be one of those how helped me. lets make this forum ture to its purpose....as it states about this room is for : The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.
herenow Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I only have a few minutes before I leave for the weekend, but if this is referring to me here is my response: I'm here, as I have said many many times, to try and understand the OW. There are several OW here that have helped me do just that. I obviously have a lot of work to do on myself and my marriage before I can say that I'm happy in my situation. I'm searching for answers. I may never find what I'm looking for, but at some point I will accept that I have tried my best and move on. I will say again, if I make anyone here uncomfortable, that is not my intention. As far as being secure in my relationship, I'm anything but. The trust that was lost will take time to rebuild. I'm trying my best to make sure that this doesn't happen again and one of the ways to do that is to explore all sides of the story. I will be gone until next week, so don't take the lack of response as anything more than I'm not going to be on my computer until after Thanksgiving. I hope I have answered your question. If not, I will be happy to try again next week. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Good question, Chapter2! I am a MW and an ex-OW. I try to be polite and curteous to every one who take their time to post. But I find that I will snap sometimes because of something that someone posted. It is like a thorn in my heart: it is usually quite tolerable as it is forgotten, but when I am reminded of the thorn because of an insensitive comment, I can bite back quite furiously. An affair is a sensitive subject to everyone involved. The pain is still raw for many of us - hence, our quick instinct to bite back. I have been in this forum for almost a year now. To be honest, I think that both the OWs and BSs can be cruel with their words. The most sensible thing to do when one feels angry, that instead of hitting the "post" button, one can hit the "cancel" button (or just delete every single word). Many times in the past I have cancelled my posts because I knew that I was writing under a lot of resentment. Let's face it. If we are as "happy" and living such a "perfect" lives as we claim, we wouldn't be roaming here!! As for me, I am here not because my life is not pretty. It is. My H is sweet and hard working. I love him more and more every day. I have 3 lovely children. I can have anything else... that money can buy. But there is obviously something that I'm lacking... or I wouldn't be here! Happy Thanksgiving, girls!
Catharsis Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I am a MW with an "almost" MM, well definitely ex-MM now. He was my college sweetheart, the man I thought I was going to marry. The only reason I posted my story was to warn other wome. If I can be fooled by the guy I used to date and thought I knew very well, then I'm sure any MM has an easy time fooling a woman who doesn't know him all that well. I used to think that my "MM" was the most honest, genuine, caring, sensitive, upstanding person on the planet - until I found out who he really was; a manipulative, serial-cheating, lying, narcissistic, self-absorbed SOB. I'm glad I found out before he was able to lull me into all that nostalgia. I woke up just in time before things became physical. Whew, dodged a bullet there. All I want people is to be more critical and inquiring, and see their OM/OW for what they really are, not for what they want them to be or for what they represent themselves to be. If I can get fooled, so can you. Watch out. Life is good again, I'm done with him, but I've made it my mini-mission to spread the word and warn others. Oh, I also want to add: I have this tremendous new-found appreciation for my H now. He was never the charismatic smooth talker as my exMM was, but now I appreciate H for exactlyl that - he couldn't lie to save his life, and I like it that way.
pureinheart Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Knowing I didn't communicate the fact of being on both sides of this fence at first....even after a considerable amount of time I was still in denial not wanting to face the fact that I was the OW. Knowing you all might be thinking this is crazy, but am learning quickly the power of self deception and justification.... I was with the MM in the doctors office and the nurse referred to me as his wife, he made a comment to me stating something to the effect that I was his mistress as if he was alpha male....I got sick and was devastated...there it was, the total truth right out of his mouth....this was about 9 mo ago. With the truth being in my face, I began to cut this thing off to the point of no communication...after so many mo he still blows up my phone and sends manipulative emails. Still having so many unanswered questions I looked up MM w/mistresses looking for answers and that is how I ended up here.....I want to encourage those who want out because it is destructive. Both the OW and BS have helped me come to terms and see the blind spots I have....things did get heated, although it was worked out and has ended.....isn't it better that these things happen in here rather than elsewhere where REAL harm can take place. This is a public forum and I am really surprized that this particular forum hasn't received major disruption....real disruption.....
silktricks Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I have visited here though my marriage is now good because I was helped at LS, and would like to be able to help others in the same way. I don't visit as often as I used to, but would like to give back in some way. I always start on the Infidelity forum, but usually this forum is far more active, and as I have been on all sides, I do feel that my input can have value. I have never intentionally hurt anyone on this or any other forum. It's too bad if you choose to leave, as everyone's input is, I believe, of value.
Author Chapter2 Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 Thank you to all who have replied. As I thought, the ones who are the kindest and most gracious BS's and OW are the ones who replied to my question, not the ones who inflict so much damage. I do recognize there are those of us on both sides that really do come for understanding, healing and then finally to help others. I know that. Some don't though and I get so tired of the questions and comments designed to harm. I have made the decision to answer any and all questions with complete honesty and find that even when I do I am met with sarcasm by some. Thankfully I'm only responsible for me. I'm honestly thankful for the BS's and OW who have been brave enough to confront in love rather than fear and hate. You have been invaluable to my healing and I will never forget it. Your graciousness has been humbling and I recognize that it would be so easy to take your anger out on another.
puddleofmud Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Emotional discovery and recovery is a long and demanding process and one which I could never decide for another: its length, demands, gaps, etc. This different for everyone. One can be truly happy but need to re-visit at times and there should be no questions to another about why or when. One should be allowed any and all tools available to them! Perhaps one imagines one would just walk away into the movie-like sunset? Or a fairy tale ending? Life is messy and takes hard work. That work is choice and persons who are working hard to find answers, touchstones, etc. are to be commended.
Author Chapter2 Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 Good question, Chapter2! I am a MW and an ex-OW. I try to be polite and curteous to every one who take their time to post. But I find that I will snap sometimes because of something that someone posted. It is like a thorn in my heart: it is usually quite tolerable as it is forgotten, but when I am reminded of the thorn because of an insensitive comment, I can bite back quite furiously. An affair is a sensitive subject to everyone involved. The pain is still raw for many of us - hence, our quick instinct to bite back. I have been in this forum for almost a year now. To be honest, I think that both the OWs and BSs can be cruel with their words. The most sensible thing to do when one feels angry, that instead of hitting the "post" button, one can hit the "cancel" button (or just delete every single word). Many times in the past I have cancelled my posts because I knew that I was writing under a lot of resentment. Let's face it. If we are as "happy" and living such a "perfect" lives as we claim, we wouldn't be roaming here!! As for me, I am here not because my life is not pretty. It is. My H is sweet and hard working. I love him more and more every day. I have 3 lovely children. I can have anything else... that money can buy. But there is obviously something that I'm lacking... or I wouldn't be here! Happy Thanksgiving, girls! Much of what you have written is so true. I, too, have to check my motives many times in responding and there are days when I've "had it" and fire right back with complete honesty. You are correct in that if we all were so happy and contented we wouldn't have even found LS. I'm glad we did though because this has been the most trying year of my life and many times LS has helped more than hurt. I have formed friendships I never would have had otherwise and am SO thankful for them. I gained an accountability partner that is the equivalent of a sponsor to me and if not for her I would have caved many a time. I want former and current OW/OM to know that they can stay in no contact no matter how doggedly the MM/MW pursues them. Yes, sometimes it takes extreme measures like moving or disappearing but it can be done. I am a MW with an "almost" MM, well definitely ex-MM now. He was my college sweetheart, the man I thought I was going to marry. The only reason I posted my story was to warn other wome. If I can be fooled by the guy I used to date and thought I knew very well, then I'm sure any MM has an easy time fooling a woman who doesn't know him all that well. I used to think that my "MM" was the most honest, genuine, caring, sensitive, upstanding person on the planet - until I found out who he really was; a manipulative, serial-cheating, lying, narcissistic, self-absorbed SOB. I'm glad I found out before he was able to lull me into all that nostalgia. I woke up just in time before things became physical. Whew, dodged a bullet there. All I want people is to be more critical and inquiring, and see their OM/OW for what they really are, not for what they want them to be or for what they represent themselves to be. If I can get fooled, so can you. Watch out. Life is good again, I'm done with him, but I've made it my mini-mission to spread the word and warn others. Oh, I also want to add: I have this tremendous new-found appreciation for my H now. He was never the charismatic smooth talker as my exMM was, but now I appreciate H for exactlyl that - he couldn't lie to save his life, and I like it that way. Good for you Catharsis! Your mini-mission is very worth it. I feel the same in many ways. If I can help one single man or woman realize they are so much better than being second then its worth it to put up with all the hatred that is sometimes poured out on this forum. Sometimes I regret having ever posted my story here but then I know I would never have had the strength or the accountability I needed to stay out of such a destructive relationship. None of us is above being fooled. Not one. I only have a few minutes before I leave for the weekend, but if this is referring to me here is my response: I'm here, as I have said many many times, to try and understand the OW. There are several OW here that have helped me do just that. I obviously have a lot of work to do on myself and my marriage before I can say that I'm happy in my situation. I'm searching for answers. I may never find what I'm looking for, but at some point I will accept that I have tried my best and move on. I will say again, if I make anyone here uncomfortable, that is not my intention. As far as being secure in my relationship, I'm anything but. The trust that was lost will take time to rebuild. I'm trying my best to make sure that this doesn't happen again and one of the ways to do that is to explore all sides of the story. I will be gone until next week, so don't take the lack of response as anything more than I'm not going to be on my computer until after Thanksgiving. I hope I have answered your question. If not, I will be happy to try again next week. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Thank you so much for your graciousness herenow. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through and you have not in any way made me uncomfortable. There are many BS's and OW that have given me advice and honesty that I know has come from a place of truly wanting to help and then there are the others that continuously shame and belittle with challenges and infantile questions. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your honesty. This forum has a lot of hurting people including myself and its hard to be that vulnerable in a group of hurting people~~usually women. I've been told that if someone is spewing hatred then look for the pain. While I know that pain is behind all the anger, its still very hard to take, especially for those of us that have worked so hard to rid ourselves of the MM. Thank you again and I hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful as well:) I have visited here though my marriage is now good because I was helped at LS, and would like to be able to help others in the same way. I don't visit as often as I used to, but would like to give back in some way. I always start on the Infidelity forum, but usually this forum is far more active, and as I have been on all sides, I do feel that my input can have value. I have never intentionally hurt anyone on this or any other forum. It's too bad if you choose to leave, as everyone's input is, I believe, of value. I'm not going anywhere. What I meant is that I hope my healing takes me to a place where I'm so invovled in life again that LS takes more of a backseat so to speak. I will probably always check in because of the friends I have made here and because I too feel that I have valuable input in helping current OW believe in their own worth and not settle for so little. I don't, however, believe input designed to harm cloaked in "truth" is of value. I believe its harmful and meant to be harmful. It is very obvious when someone's motives are in the wrong place. Your opinion is of value to me ST and I have followed your story. I have absolutely no ill will towards you at all. Thanks for replying:)
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