Guest Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Okay all - I am in an intense relationship that I (when I let myself think about it) believe may be the most important relationship of my life. A brief summary: It has been almost 5 months, we both seem ecstatically happy, she talks about me to her family (and has even planned our trip to thier city in the summer), we spend almost 5 out of 7 days together and though we have our problems (she is a bit thoughtless when it comes to plans/timing etc. and I am a little paranoid) we DO love eachother. So - Last weekend she visited a friend she hadn't seen in a long time in another city. I was invited to go with and meet her parents, friends etc. and I could tell she REALLY wanted me to go. Due to a lack of money and the belief such a short trip was better done alone so she could really spend quality time with all her loved ones, I didn't go. This weekend her friend is visiting OUR city (a very rare occurence) for a work party - her friend is our age (around 30) recently single, and definately looking. It turns out this work party might be in another city 2 hours away, in which case my GF and her friend would go on a Sat., possibly get a hotel room or possibly stay at someone they know's house, and come home on the Sunday. I guess I should say here that I don't know ANY of these people, and likely never will, while my GF may have met some of them at a party on the weekend trip I didn't go on. My GF never invited me to this party but after me asking some probing questions said "Of course you can come along" and in the same breath told me she would be in "social mode" and wasn't sure if I'd have a good time as they might not be "my kind of people". I am not slow so can see when I am not really wanted. My first reaction is that there may be something dishonest going on...yet when I put myself in her shoes and imagine a good mate of mine and a party of his to go to I think it would be more fun to go just the two of us - two buddies and not two buddies and a SO. Am a little hurt(feeling sorry for myself, lol) she doesn't want me going but am getting okay with it. QUESTION(s): is it alright in a serious relationship for one half to go to another city with thier single!! friend, attend a party thier SO has no knowledge of, and spend the night somewhere?? Is this the kind of situation where the SO NOT going (ME) decides that we each have our own lives and we should respect that, or does this kind of scenario push the boundaries of proper relationship etiquette or respect? Is it normal for a person in my position to be a little dubious?? I trust her and do not think she would do anything to hurt me - I just don't know if this situation is normal... Would love to hear what you all think about how much freedom we give our SO (out of respect and love) and where we draw the line...and at what point does drawing the line become controlling? Thanks for your responses all, and have an awesome day!!
Wantingtogetitright Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 provided you are clear on boundaries then as much freedom as they want. If there comes a time when there is more "freedom" than time spent together then you have an issue. The more freedom you give to someone and then more time they choose to spend with you can only consolidate the relationship and strenghten it. This way we are with who we are with out of choice, not obligation, trying to do the right thing etc etc. And this can only be a good thing. If you trust each other and a very clear on what your boundaries are then there should be no problems. Communication here is key.
Guest Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 provided you are clear on boundaries then as much freedom as they want. If there comes a time when there is more "freedom" than time spent together then you have an issue. The more freedom you give to someone and then more time they choose to spend with you can only consolidate the relationship and strenghten it. This way we are with who we are with out of choice, not obligation, trying to do the right thing etc etc. And this can only be a good thing. If you trust each other and a very clear on what your boundaries are then there should be no problems. Communication here is key. I think everything you've said is valid - I also think that it is perhaps one of the hardest things to do - to let go of the one you love. Trust is a dodgy issue and I think I've learned here that either you give it or you don't...snooping makes paranoia worse, paranoia poisons, and the relationship withers. Letting go (giving freedom) involves unrestrained trust, trust involves letting go of the fear and knowing whatever happens is going to happen and that no matter what we can pick up, dust ourselves off, and carry on. This may take years, but isn't that what life is about?? There are still situations I'll let my partners know I am not comfortable with, but this one is her life - A true partner doesn't restrict their SO's life, they enhance it. Enough babble - all this to say thanks for your input...working through these situations is tricky and it's always nice to hear another perspective.
Recommended Posts