what does he want!?!?

[missmebaby]

I dont understand why I am taking this so hard and I just feel like I will never get over him. It has been 3 months but I honestly just get worse everyday. I guess its because I no longer have any hope that he will want me back. I did before because we have kept in contact ever since we broke up. for the first 3 weeks we didnt see each other but we talked regularly and although he said he didnt want to get back together and he was talking to another girl, he also told me that he still loved me, cared about me, and had feelings for me. he said that he just didnt want to be with me right now but maybe in awhile. so i still had all kinds of hope and it kept me going. we finally hung out one night and had the best time together. then he mentioned maybe getting back together.

 

so for the next week we hung out almost every day and things were great. he was more affectionate than ever before, he told me he had missed me and that if things kept going the way they were going that we would get back together. well one night we had a stupid fight and he changed his mind about wanting to try again. then the next day he changed his mind agian and said he wanted to try. from then on he changed his mind like every other day. finally he said we just needed to take a break from each other and see if we missed each other but said he would call me the next day. well i decided that i wasnt going to make myself so available and i was going to act like i didnt care. so when he called i didnt answer but left me a voicemail. i didnt call him back so he text me 5 mins later. i didnt answer that so he text me again telling me to call him. i didnt, so 20 mins later i got another text that said "i take it you're not going to call me." well i waited about 20 mins and i called him back but was kind of cold and short with him. he ended up getting mad and hanging up on me. then texted me 2 mins later saying "i see you dont really care about us." but i didnt respond and for the next week we werent in contact at all.

 

then i called him after a week and acted happy and told him i just want to be friends and that im moving on and dont want him back. he seemed surprised but agreed to be friends. the next day i went over to get my things. he asked me to stay and we had a great night together, first just as friends like joing around and laughing. then i tried to leave but he said he didnt want me to go. so i stayed and he ended up kissing me. when i finally left that night he called me 5 mins later and i didnt answer. he left me a voicemail saying "i only want to be friends with you if you're not talking to someone else because that woule be too hard for me." well i called him the next day and he said that last night reminded him of the good times we had together. we hung out agian the next night and had another great time together. the next time i talked to him on the phone he said he didnt know if he could keep doing this because i only wanted to be friends so it wasnt going to go anywhere. he admitted that it made his feelings come back. but i just kept insisting that we just be friends because i wanted him to chase me.

 

well as another week went on i think i made it too obvious that i really wanted him back so he started to pull away again. he didnt want to see me as much or talk to me as much. but he was still really jealous when i mentioned other guys and he still got mad when i went out with my friends because he thought i would meet someone else. but he kept saying that he still cared about me and had feelings for me. well i thougth i had better tell him how i really felt about him before it was too late so one night i went over to his house and we had a good night together. before i left i asked him. "is there any chance you want to get back together?" he said no. i asked him why and he said because he was having fun being single and he had more time to himself now and he doesnt think we will work out because we fight too much. i waited a while and asked him again. "so you are sure you dont want to get back together?" and this time he said "i dont know." i asked him what he meant by that and he said "i just dont know." i felt that was kind of promising because he didnt say no again. but i said well i dont think we should hang out anymore then. and he seemed kind of upset by it and said thats not what he wants. he said why cant we still hang out as friends? but i just said because its not a good idea and i said i was going home now. he didnt seem to care that it might be the last time he sees me and he just walked away instead of giving me a hug and saying goodbye like he usually does. so i just walked out but he turned around and said "wait." he gave me a hug and said goodbye but had this smirk on his face like he knew i would be back.

 

the next day i called him and asked him to come with me to the store because i needed to buy a pregnancy test and take it because i thought maybe i was pregnant with his child. (yes we had sex a few times since we broke up.) he met me there but wanted to stay in his truck and not come in. it made me really mad because it seemed like he didnt really want to be there for me. so i stormed off and i took so long in the store that he finally came in to see what was taking me so long. i was mean to him and told him to just go home if hes not going to be there for me and doesnt even care. we got into a big fight about it and i kept telling him to just go home and leave me alone and not talk to me again. well he wouldnt leave so i bought the test, took it, and it was negative. so we went out in his truck to talk for a minute. well i brought up the subject of getting back together and he was already irritated at me for the fight in the store and he said no i dont want to be with you. its not going to work, alls we do is fight. and i said "we havent really fought ever since we've been hanging out agian." and he said "i like being single right now and i dont want a relationship, expecially with you because we fight too much and i dont know if i can trust you because you have so many guy friends and you go out too much." then he said i was annoying him and he didnt want ot talk about this anymore. he said he worked 12 hours today and just wanted to go home and i was just irritating him. i said "what about all the things you said recently about your feelings coming back, and you said you didnt know if you wanted to hang out with me because i didnt want it to go anywhere, and you said you started to remember the good times we had." he said "well i never meant it like that, and you said you just wanted to be friends anyways." well i was hurt so i got out of his truck and just left.

 

ever since then alls ive done is annoy him. i called him the next day to apologize and he apologized too but i kept asking him if he wanted to be friends because he wouldnt give me a straight answer and he got annoyed and was yelling at me saying he was sick of me asking him that. so i hung up on him. i didnt talk to him over the weekend and i called him monday while he was at work. i asked him if i could come get my stuff from his house and he told me i could but it would have to be right after he got off work becuase he has a date with a 28 year old that he met over the weekend. (hes almost 22 by the way.) so i started to bug him about her and why he didnt want me. i asked to see him tonight if he didnt go out with her. he said i dont know but probly not. so i started to annoy him about that and he finally said you know i dont like talking on the phone during the day when i get charged for it, and im at work anyways. and he hung up on me. i knew i was annoying the hell out of him but for some reason i couldnt stop, i was just so desperate. so i text him saying im sorry i am annoying you but there was just something i wanted to tell you that i kept from you while we were together. he immediately called me and wanted to know what it was. i wouldnt tell him because i said i wanted to say it to his face. he got really mad and started to yell at me. he called me a F-ing b*tch and said im so stupid and this is why he doesnt want to be with me. he said he regrets ever dating me. so i just hung up on him and cried my eyes out that he could say things so hurtful. he text me saying "was there someone else?" i didnt text him back so he called me. i still wouldnt tell him because i wanted to say it to his face so once again he was yelling at me and was furious and was saying so many hurtful things to me. i told him it wasnt a big deal and not to worry about it.

 

later that afternoon he called me and said he wasnt going out with that girl tonight because she had to work over or something and said he wanted me to come over so i could tell him. well i went over and he let me sit with him in the chair and i told him what i needed to tell him. it was nothing bad, in fact he said it made him feel better. he had told me before i came over that he wanted me to tell him and then just leave. so i tried to get up and leave but he said "you dont have to go." so we sat there for awhile and he finally got up and said "im going upstair to my bed to watch TV, this isnt comfortable." so i started to get my shoes on to leave thinking he wanted me to go. he said "i didnt say you had to leave." and i said "do you want me to stay?" and he said "if you want." so we went upstairs to his bed and i tried to pay attention to him but he seemed kind of distant. so i just laid there and ignored him. so he rolled over to face me and he actually started to pay attention to me. he always does this. anytime im over and i ignore him he pays attention to me. i asked him if he was mad at me and he said no. i asked him if he meant those things he said about regretting being with me and that he never loved me. he said "no i didnt mean it, i was just angry. i did love you." i tried to leave again and he shook his head no and said "you're not leaving." so i stayed. he was asking me if i had hooked up with anyone over the weekend or if i stayed the night with any guys. i told him no. but he said yea right. and kept asking me questions like that. it was finally time for me to leave because it was around the time he goes to bed. he hugged me goodbye and i asked him if i would see him again. he shrugged and said "im sure you will." i was thinking what the hell? so i said "what is that supposed to mean?" but he just shrugged. i left and havent talked to him since. i didnt call him yesterday or anything and he didnt call me. i dont plan on calling him the rest of this week. maybe monday or next week so it will be a week since i talked to him last. maybe that will give him time to miss me or something.

 

i just dont understand him. hes so different from the guy i dated for a year. and i dont understand why he changed again so quickly. he was acting like he wanted to get back together, now hes acting like he doesnt care at all. but he didnt want me to leave, and he paid attention to me when i was ignoring him. i just dont get it!!! is there no chance of him wanting me again?? he broke up with me about 8 months ago also for the same reasons and acted the same way but it was only for 2 weeks, then he came back because he said he missed me and thought about me alot. after we got back together then things were better than ever for about 4 or 5 months and then we started fighting again and he broke up with me this time. i keep thinking maybe it will be like last time and he'll miss me and think about me but its already been 3 months. i just need to know what hes thinking or if he misses me at all or if theres any chance for us.

[Kamille]

Ah honey! Have I been there! My first boyfriend and I went through almost exactly the same push-pull you describe.

 

I have learned a lot from that very unhealthy break-up. In fact, it was the break up that thought me everything not to do in a break up.

 

The first thing is to avoid hearing what you want to hear. Or forcing him to say what you want to hear. He is sending you two messages : he doesn't want to be with you, he wants to be with you. You are putting way more emphasis on message number 2, he wants to be with you, because it is the one message that gives you hope. It is the only thing you want to hear.

 

Keep in mind though that is actions and words speal louder then anything: from here it seems that the message he is conveying is this : he doesn't want to be with you.

 

It sounds harsh but you need to hear it. He doesn't. If he did you would not be broken up and you would not need to go through so much painful communication just to see him. You would not need to feel desperation. You would not be getting mixed signals.

 

And you know what, it's ok that it's over. You will probably come to realize, like I did, what an ******* he is for putting you in this position just because he is unsure. If he was unsure and respected you, he would not sleep with you, not try to manipulate you by asking you about other guys. He would let you go, take the time that he needs to be alone and figure out his act, then approach you with a yes or a no.

 

He is putting you in an impossible position. I don't know if you realize this, but there is a tone of "what can I do to make him want me?" in your post. Reality is, you shouldn't have to do anything for someone to love you. You deserve to be loved for who you are and how you are.

 

Maybe is a bad limbo land. I know that at the time it was horrendously hard on my self-esteem. Like you, I thought it was a question of him wanting /not wanting me. I eventually realized that it had nothing to do with me. What my ex wanted was the ego stroke that playing me provided. Anyways, all that to say that I am afraid that until you decide that he is being unfair to you, you might be damaging your self-esteem.

 

Please use protection if you are having sex. The last thing you want to do is have a child with this man, or deal with the anxiety and depression that having an abortion can cause.

 

And just so you know, I am now so thankful that things didn't work out with my first ex. When we were together we talked marriage, kids, I had never felt like I felt with him with anyone and I couldn't imagine loving anyone else. I thought he was the one and so breaking up sent me into emtoional turmoil. I have since fallen in love two other times. Each love was different, beautiful. Each time I fell in love it, the love I felt just kept getting stronger. Which gives me hope for the next one.

 

A few years after we broke up he did get a woman pregnant and they had the child. They were together for a few years on and off. She finally decided last year to dumps his ass because of the emotional toll his indecision was having on her. Can you imagine what that woman went through raising a child with a man who is incapable of commitment? All I keep thinking is: it could have been me! And then I feel so sorry for her and very relieved for me.

[missmebaby]

ok ok i FINALLY accepted it. FINALLY. its over and i know that. hes not coming back. its the hardest thing ive ever done in my entire life and it hurts like hell. i really thought he was the one. he doesnt care about me anymore and he is talking to a 28 year old. (hes almost 22.) i know its been done before but what does a 28 year old want with a 22 year old? thats a 6 year age difference. thats like me and a 14 year old. i know this sounds wrong but i am kind of happy that she is so much older because i feel that it has much less of a chance of working out than someone his age. but anyways im going to do my best to get over him and move on. i really really wish i could make him realize that im the prize instead of making him think hes the prize like ive been doing since we broke up. i guess its too late now. this is the first time that we've been broken up in 3 months that ive been sure its really over. i still cant believe we will never have sex, never kiss, never do ANYTHING we used to do together that we loved. but he wont even miss it or miss me. i just want the pain to go away....