Guest Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I'm not exactly sure where to start b/c so much has happened these past few months. I will try to keep this short. About 6 months ago, I ran into a guy that I used to date. At the time, he was married. It was a friendly hi how are ya pass-by. Didn't think anything of it. Well then, I ran into him again and he started talking through e-mail but only as friends. I wasn't going to be that OW. A few months went by and I got an e-mail saying that she left him. One night he asked me if I wanted to meet him for drinks so I did. I went only as friends and didn't consider it a date b/c for one he was still married and two I knew there was a possibility of them working things out. Time went by and our time spent together became more and more, and feelings started to develop between the both us. Their divorce became final a few months ago. He told me he never wanted to go through with the divorce but did b/c that's what she wanted. Since then she decided that she made a horrible mistake and wants him to give her another chance. In my opinion, I feel that she realized that he is trying to move on w/o her and it kills her. She knows that he is happy w/ me and b/c she isn't happy she is doing everything she can to make him miserable. Honestly, it's working. She tells him, she has changed. How can a person change in just a few months? She calls and text messages him on a daily basis begging him to give her another chance. I feel that is desperation on her part and maybe I'm being cold-hearted. I also feel she is being manipulative and playing on his guilt by using their son. He thinks the world of him and would do anything for him. He would even sacrifice his own happiness for his son's if that meant having his family back together. I don't agree with that. I think it's unhealthy for everyone involved. My parents stayed together when they should have gotten divorced but b/c of my sister and I, my parents stayed together. He told me that there were rumors about her cheating on him at work. We all know how rumors get started but isn't there some truth to them? How can someone be so forgiving? Then instead of being a wife and a mother, she would go out after work or when she off with friends who were mostly guys. I'm sorry when you are married there is no reason to go out every night or every weekend and stay out all hours of the night. Yes, it is good for both to go out every once in awhile to just get away for a couple hours but not all the time. There was an emergency and she claimed she couldn't get away from work. If my boss told me, I couldn't leave b/c of an emergency then they could find themselves another employee. My family is more important to me than my job. Then he gave her one last chance to come back home and she chose her b/f over him b/c she didn't want to hurt him over working things out with her husband. She even lied to her b/f of her whereabouts and he overheard the conversation. During these last few weeks, she has done everything possible to get him back...offering sex for a favor asked, greeting him at the door w/ only a towel, threatening to hurt her and everyone else who hates her, throwing cheap shots at me and the big one wants to have another baby….with him. So can someone please explain to me how that shows she has changed in a positive way? Having another baby is not going to solve their problems. If anything it will probably only complicate things more. The thing that gets me is most of their conversations, important conversations are done through text messaging. When we’re having problems or when I want to talk to him I prefer to talk to him in person rather than on the phone and certainly not through text messaging. You can get a better feel for the person if you’re face to face. He told her of a couple things that would have to change. He explained to her that she would have to get rid of her car and a couple pets that she has b/c he's allergic to them. She hesitated and couldn't understand why. For one the car is not in their budget and two if my spouse is allergic to a pet I would find another home for it. She went out and bought an expensive car instead of getting a two bedroom house or apartment. Shows where her priorities are. He tells me he doesn't want her back b/c he doesn't trust her and he can't forgive her for what she's done to him in the past. He tells me he can see a future w/ me but how can he say that when he is possibly thinking about giving her another chance? We're both scared of the uncertainty b/c neither one of us know where our relationship is heading. I have told him that it's a risk we both have to be willing to take. I have learned that is the only way for a person to figure out what they want or don't want in a person. It's a learning process. We get along great. We can talk about everything and anything, laugh, joke, we're both honest and trustworthy. We share the same views on what we want in a relationship and we're both active. I think he knows what he wants but he is scared of taking that next step. He has told me before that he wants to be with me but what he wants isn't necessarily the right. I care a great deal about him. I do love him. He knows how I feel about him. I have told him before that if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't. No, things haven't been easy for us but I am not ready nor do I want to give up on our relationship. I feel that my feelings are real b/c if he were to tell me that he wanted to work things out then I would step aside. I would be hurt in the process but if that meant he would be happy then I would be willing to let him go. It just seems that she wants him back for her own selfish reasons…she’s lonely and unhappy. She doesn’t want him to be happy b/c she isn’t happy. She doesn’t want anyone else to have to him. He doesn’t stand up to her very often. He likes to tell her gently instead of getting straight to the point. I believe he probably does that with me sometimes. He doesn’t like hurting anyone’s feelings so in return he would rather suffer than the other person. Sometimes I feel that he is giving both her and I false hope. If he wants to work things out with her then he needs to let me go instead of hanging on to me and waiting for a sign that she has changed which is highly unlikely. Tonight we got into a little argument. I felt he was being cold and distant towards me after we ate dinner. He hardly spoke a word to me. So I got upset and started to tell him a little of what was bothering me. He thought there was something wrong with me and at first there wasn’t not until he started being distant with me. So left, we talked some when I got home but ended our conversation still a little upset with one another. This ended up being longer than I thought. I apologize but appreciate any advice or opinions.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 You both have a choice here...You don't have to put with his hemhawing, unless you want to...even if they do have a child together he doesn't have to be at her mercy...visitation is part of the D agreement so it's finalized... Sometimes ex's have a way of trying to get back with their old partner...I'm not sure why...even mine will do or say things to that effect (and he's gay) but I'm like when hell freezes over... Your man needs to set strict boundaries with her and abide them...if he seems hesitant to this or is thinking of getting back together with her, you can choose to leave...that would definitely force his hand one way or another...but it's your choice...
pureinheart Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Hey Guest.... You know I really don't get the person who can't wait to get out of the relationship, then when it happens a light bulb or something goes on and they want them back...."they have made such a mistake"....this can be a very unstable individual. In every really bad relationship I've ever been in, I knew in the beginning they had very deep, unresolved issues from the past. I would overlook these things thinking they would either go away or I could change them...they didn't and I didn't....I don't have the power to change other people. Hearing how unstable she is causes me to think he is very unstable also, he was "in it" with her for a reasonalble amount of time and some of that stuff does rub off....also he knew what she was like....people give signs no matter how well hidden. It is hard for me to believe it when people say they didn't know how the person really was....there is always a red flag no matter how small it may be...I think they just don't choose to see it. If you can let him clean up his own mess...you had nothing to do with his M and you are suffering because of it. It takes time to heal from a break up...be kind to you....
oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I say, take 1 month breather, meaning, pretend to go away somewhere for 1 month (no physical contact, no phone calls, no text messages) then agree to meet again in 1month at a predetermined time and location. Then discuss. Let him think, and clean up his EX. You will see 1 month will get things clear in everyone's mind. For me, we took 1 month a part, I realized lot of crap I am no longer tolerate.
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