Her feelings.

[Guest: DONE.]

I started writing this long confessional about why I am a hair's-breadth from breaking with my GF.

 

But that's not what's actually got me writing. Truth: I am writing because I am so angry it's either this or screaming at the walls til I'm hoarse. So here it goees.

I am SICK TO DEATH of *her* feelings trumping everything: reason, logic, experience, love, dedication, and my feelings. And if you go outside into the world for an "unbiased opinion," what you get boils down to 'well, they're her FEEEEEEELLLLLLIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGSSSSSSSS!'

This *her* isn't just my GF. It also isn't all women, obviously. But apparently more than a few of these types post here.

 

Do I do something that "cripples," "batters," or "wrecks" your self-esteem or self-confidence? Awww you poor thing! That gives you the right to be as abusive to me as you see fit. After all, I'm just a stupid man. I "need" to be "trained."

WRONG. There's a FREAKING REASON why self-esteem and self-confidence BEGIN WITH THE WORD "SELF!!!!!"

When I was a kid, my parents taught me that nobody could take ME away from me. And that if it ever seemed like that was happening, it was because I was allowing it, and that I was to put a stop to it, however I could without hurting someone else. Time to be accountable for yourselves, girls. Eventually, someone really important is going to DEMAND you take responsibility for yourself and will not buy your pointing-finger-it's-HIS-fault baloney. Recognize your insecurities and DEAL WITH THEM. I've got enough to handel dealing with my own shortcomings (which you see fit to always remind me of, thanks) without having to carry 100% of yours, too. (BTW: If your feelings get hurt because I use the word "insecure" to describe you, you're just proving me right. The problem is YOURS. Start there and work your way up.)

 

 

Are you unhappy in your life? Does your relationship make you sad at times? Ohhhh. Then, the answer is obviously to figure out what your mate is doing wrong, and punish him for it until you're happy again.

NO. Guess what girls: GROWN UP RELATIONSHIPS ARE UNHAPPY SOMETIMES! Put down your Harlequin novels and Hollywood movies for just a sec. You wanna run with the big boys? Listen up: YOU MAKE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. Your mate is not responsible for your happiness. Relationships are not happiness factories. Grown ups SHARE their happiness in a relationship. Grown ups SHARE their sadnesses in a relationship. Grown ups COMMIT to each other DESPITE the bad times. CHILDREN blame others for their lives, and they can quit and run home when the game gets hard.

 

 

Do you suspect that your mate is "up to no good?" You do? Well then! It's time for you to become a snoop! Isn't that a cute little word! SNOOP! And THAT way you can find out if you're being tricked. After all, you don't want to be one of those "stupid women" do you?

GET OVER YOURSELF. What in God's name gives you the right to commit such a violation against another person? Here, ladies, try this: If you suspect your man is lying to you, ASK HIM. If you think he's STILL lying to you: LEAVE HIM. No more of this co-dependent nonsense. You are not his Mommy. You keep telling him you don't want to BE his Mommy. THEN STOP ACTING LIKE HIS MOMMY. If you think he's lying, leave - no one deserves to be lied to. If you don't want to leave (for whatever reason), then stay, shut up about it, and commit 100% to the relationship and to your mate. Either way, take your lumps like a frigging ADULT.

 

I am a good man. I'm not rich, but I work hard. I'm pretty smart, and - to top it off - not bad looking.

I don't cheat on women, I don't go to strip clubs or buy hookers.

I believe in truth and faith, and I believe in love.

 

I'm not perfect. But I damn sure try.

And I'm tired of getting hammered by spoiled, entitled women. I'm tired of it. And there's just too many of them in my travels for the whole thing to be "just me."

[Guest]

When I was a kid, my parents taught me that nobody could take ME away from me. And that if it ever seemed like that was happening, it was because I was allowing it, and that I was to put a stop to it

 

I'm not perfect. But I damn sure try.

And I'm tired of getting hammered by spoiled, entitled women. I'm tired of it. And there's just too many of them in my travels for the whole thing to be "just me."

 

 

You say your "parent's taught you that nobody could take ME away from me, then you follow it up with "I'm tired of getting hammered by spoiled, entitled women. I'm tired of it.

 

You seem to not be following your "family values/morals/ethics if indeed you are "tired of getting hammered by spoiled women" You are ALLOWING it then and going against the core of what you speak.

If you feel this frustrated and bitter towards your g.f. and you are "tired of it" then why carry on with the relationship? Why not leave at the FIRST SIGN of "being hammered by a spoiled woman" then?? Why get to the point where you have this much resentment?

[Ssheena]

Truth be told, it takes two to make things work and both sides have to be looked at. I would LOVE to hear what the other person in your relationship has to say as you make a lot of generalizations in your rant which could just as easily be flipped to the opposite sex.

[Guest]

You say your "parent's taught you that nobody could take ME away from me, then you follow it up with "I'm tired of getting hammered by spoiled, entitled women. I'm tired of it.

 

You seem to not be following your "family values/morals/ethics if indeed you are "tired of getting hammered by spoiled women" You are ALLOWING it then and going against the core of what you speak.

If you feel this frustrated and bitter towards your g.f. and you are "tired of it" then why carry on with the relationship? Why not leave at the FIRST SIGN of "being hammered by a spoiled woman" then?? Why get to the point where you have this much resentment?

 

 

Ah. And you have VERY quickly found the real source of my anger.

People are going to do what they're going to do. There's never any use trying to change them.

My huge frustration is that my former marriage, as well as this - my first real post-divorce relationship - have been with, what turned out to be bitterly emotionally abusive women.

 

I have had several friends in the same situation. I always advise them to walk away, seek therapy, move *forward* instead of being held back/down.

 

So why can I not see such abusive people when they enter my life? And why is it that I seem to choose so poorly and then waste YEARS justifying myself?

 

My soon-to-be-former GF may be cruel and self-centered; but I have been STUPID. Not ignorant - stupid.

[Guest]

Truth be told, it takes two to make things work and both sides have to be looked at. I would LOVE to hear what the other person in your relationship has to say as you make a lot of generalizations in your rant which could just as easily be flipped to the opposite sex.

 

 

"The other person" is an abusive egomaniac. Quite frankly I'm done with her side of things. It's all I ever hear.

My finding an anonymous place to vent takes nothing away from that. Everything I wrote does in fact - unfortunately for us both - apply to her. It also broadly applies to other people. As I am a heterosexual man, I'm viewing women through my 'choosing lens.' You are free to view men in whatever way you see fit.

 

My rant about men would be different, but probably just as pointed. And I would be guilty in my lifetime on at least one big point.

 

But, with anger out of the picture, my whole vibe isn't about men & women at all. It's about Adults & Children. I need to get my self straightened out, and go back to the adult friendships in my life.

[Ripples]

Ehehe! I empathise a lot with what you're saying. I AM that person you describe, very often.

 

You sound extremely angry and hurt and you have every right to as you've been treated so appallingly.

 

One thing I'd like to throw in; no one is wholly bad, I believe. I'm sure that these women have many good attributes, too. I'm sure you recognise that. Sometimes a man can bring out the worst in one.

 

I think insecure is a really good word to describe some of my traits, I am very insecure much of the time. I also think that my insecurity is very difficult for me to deal with on my own, or at least, on my own when I'm in a relationship where the man believes his actions don't aggravate it.

 

What do you think would be a good way for an insecure woman to 'deal' with her insecurities?

[Guest]

What do you think would be a good way for an insecure woman to 'deal' with her insecurities?

 

How wealthy would I be if I had the answer to that question!?! :-)

 

I'll tell you what I think, though... We all have insecurities. I know I have 'em. And we have them whether we're single or attached. Understanding "I am insecure about X; this is issue to navigate" is a huge first step to managing - even overcoming - your insecurities.

In a relationship, though, the key is twofold: a) accept and be PERSONALLY accountable for your insecurites - don't go beating the other person up about them. b) your mate has them too! Nurture and love your mate; express understanding, but don't offer solutions or try to fix him/her. No one like being broken down into component parts and analyzed. We all long for holstic acceptance, for respect as a whole person.

 

Take jealousy, for instance. I believe a "jealous woman" CAN be happy! The first step is to say to oneself, "I am a jealous woman; my jealousy is often irrational." Really understand that. Take responsibility for it like a diabetic does with tracking and maintaining his blood sugar. Then confide in your mate: "I have real security issues when it comes to other women, and can often feel unduly threatened by them."

If your mate is worth his salt, he will not only make himself available to you as you work through the issue, but he will AUTOMATICALLY adjust his world so that its easier for you to live in. And should the two of you have a jealousy-based conflict, you'll both be acutely aware of where the other person is coming from: he won't be so angry at you for being irrational, and you will go in understanding that he isn't trying to hurt or injure you, and that he 's dedicated to you.

 

Of course, it goes without saying that some people are "up to no good," and that cheaters do exist on both sides of the gender pond. I'm not advocating being a victim of such, by any means.

 

But owning and taking responsibility for who you are - even outside of a relationship (especially so) - can take you a very long way indeed, in a positive direction.