oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Hi all, not a lot of stories from Other Man with Married woman. my story is I met this woman she said she was living seperate life for last year with her hubby, seperate bedroom, etc. Because he cheated on her. Anyhow, having not signed the paper is a technicality. Her lifestyle and behavior was of someone available. We have been together 7 months. Her hubby found out about me, the OM after 4 months and asked her to end our affair. She refused. She wants to leave him but is dragging her feet to seperate. Now why would a husband endure the existence of the OM. Like what is the point of hanging on?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 He doesn't care enough to get a D - which is time consuming, financially devastating, and emotionally taxing. When a M holds more than than just "love", it tends to last a lot longer than it should. Now both of them are just "hanging around" because neither want to face reality and consequences of their actions. The H is probably only demanding that the W end the affair due to his wounded ego. But obviously, he doesn't have the balls to follow through with his "demands".
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 It's too bad you have to be a part of their ugly fight.
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 It's too bad you have to be a part of their ugly fight. tell me about it, he has been fabricating stories about me, trying to scare her away. I just laugh my ass off as I am flattered and offended by a few stories, like lots of sexual partners, ex-criminal past, stole money from my ex-girlfriends blablabla. when a man has an affair, it is mainly sexual. when a woman has an affair it is more than sexual, emotional fullfillment. so now I am wondering why the heck does she not walk the talk and file seperation like soon. she knows my patience is running thin and I talked about ending it with her if I see no progress on seperation because I am looking for more than FUN.
bonehead Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Ive been in your shoes. But I have a couple questions for ya. 1) Do they have children? 2) Are you SURE they are living seperate lives for the most part? 3) Are you revenge?
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 Ive been in your shoes. But I have a couple questions for ya. 1) Do they have children? nope 2) Are you SURE they are living seperate lives for the most part? not 100% convinced because every day that goes by, the % goes down still under same roof, different rooms. more like a roomate situation 3) Are you revenge? may be sometimes I think she is a walking contradictions, she says she does not want to waste her time and play games but her action points to that. she went away for 1 month back home, so I did some thinking. When she is back if she has no plans to seperate or can't make decision, I think I will walk, because if I am looking for FUN, I prefer FUN with no headaches
bonehead Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 that would be a wise move on your part. I myself waited 2 years for MW to leave. But my situation was a little different.
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 that would be a wise move on your part. I myself waited 2 years for MW to leave. But my situation was a little different. wow 2 years!!!, I will talk to her when she is back then tell her like it is, if she is serious she will end it if not then I set myself free to explore other woman. I proved to her my seriousness, up to her to prove her so call love. Sometimes, I over analyse things, should had kept it at the FUN level, if the attached one wants more, to them to prove their worth. If this does not work out, NO more seperated, attached, married woman.
bonehead Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 the 2 years were a good idea. I had just comeout of a bad, long marriage and it did give me a chance to focus on the things that were important to me and my kids. We both agreed on the 2 years. She actually wanted it shorter to start with. But in the end she was glad for the longer time. Took her longer then she thought to take care of a SERIOUS issue she had to take care of before leaving. But I would tell her its now or never. And be prepared to hear her tell ya its never then.
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 the 2 years were a good idea. I had just comeout of a bad, long marriage and it did give me a chance to focus on the things that were important to me and my kids. We both agreed on the 2 years. She actually wanted it shorter to start with. But in the end she was glad for the longer time. Took her longer then she thought to take care of a SERIOUS issue she had to take care of before leaving. But I would tell her its now or never. And be prepared to hear her tell ya its never then. thanks for sharing, the fine line it is, put pressure and you lose, I am setting myself free, if she wants she can follow now, if she wants time, then she can take time, if I am not in another relationship then we can talk again. educate me here since I was never married, besides the financials, what typical issues do divorce people have to take care of before leaving?
bonehead Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 If there are no children involved then its pretty much just financial issues such as division of assests and debts.
frannie Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 thanks for sharing, the fine line it is, put pressure and you lose, I am setting myself free, if she wants she can follow now, if she wants time, then she can take time, if I am not in another relationship then we can talk again. fwiw, I think that's a really great attitude. I've never been a fan of pressuring someone to leave their marriage. It's their M after all. It's up to the OM/OW to walk away if they don't like the situation... and any 'deadlines' should be deadlines for the OM/OW, as in 'how long do I want to stick around?'
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Why would someone who has no kids put up with their wife's affair? You said that he had the A first, maybe that sheads a small ray of light. Did his affair end? Did he believe that he was capable of loving both women? Did he believe that his A was mearly a "bump in the road"? (So to him, hers must be too?) A bigger question to me is why would a woman (who is living a separate life) who has someone else to turn to not leave the man who had the A in the first place. I wonder, outside of you, how many family or close friends she has for support I think that very much affects ones ability to make life changing decisions. I have wondered how this works with MW and SM. I've only personally known one situation like this and it was very similar to yours. She did leave her H for SM (the decision came about because she was jealous that he was free to "roam") and within a month it was over because he couldn't bear the thought that if she had done it to her husband (who also had the first A) that she would do it to him (his words).
lighthouse Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I have a question for everyone and please understand that this is not meant as an attack again oyster or bonehead. It seems interesting the responses oyster got. They were encouraging. However if oyster had been an OW everyone would have said "go now. MP (married person) is never going to leave BS. Why is it ok for a male to do this yet women are attacked? lighthouse p.s. oyster my take on it is that she has not left yet so don't count on it - especially since they are still living together. women lie just as men do and chances are they are not living like roomates. she is probably not "on the couch" or "in the spare bedroom."
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 You're right about that "lighthouse", it crossed my mind also when I was posting. I think that it was suggested that it could be revenge and that he shouldn't wait forever but noone screamed run as loudly as they do with its a SW with MM! Also wanted to thank Oyster for the post - that's the one situation that I haven't read alot about. I wondered how prevalent it was and whether the emotional response was the same for men as women in this situation. Generally, I would think for men it would just be another way to eat your cake and have it too - but Oyster contradicts that.
milvushina Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I think it is much the same, that a single man will get smitten with a married woman and want to be her support group while she leaves an unhappy marriage. Also, a married woman would have the same problems leaving as a married man, comfort level, financial security, investment in the marriage. But why didn't people yell "run" as fast as if the person was a mm? Maybe because people think it's less likely for a man to leave than a woman? I don't know, it seems like the statistics always say most divorces are sought by the wives. And the men are more likely to stay even if unhappy.
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 I think it is much the same, that a single man will get smitten with a married woman and want to be her support group while she leaves an unhappy marriage. Also, a married woman would have the same problems leaving as a married man, comfort level, financial security, investment in the marriage. But why didn't people yell "run" as fast as if the person was a mm? Maybe because people think it's less likely for a man to leave than a woman? I don't know, it seems like the statistics always say most divorces are sought by the wives. And the men are more likely to stay even if unhappy. For a MW, Security is #1 issue. Not financial security. #2 is confort level and habits. One thing I don't understand is a MW is willing to stay with a cheating hubby because he will never leave her physically. Once a hubby cheats and the wife stays, that means he sets precedence to cheat more as it is tolerated. If she stays then she will be miserable as she will watch him bring home new girlfriends in her face. thanks for the info, I was not aware that "...the statistics always say most divorces are sought by the wives."
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 I have a question for everyone and please understand that this is not meant as an attack again oyster or bonehead. It seems interesting the responses oyster got. They were encouraging. However if oyster had been an OW everyone would have said "go now. MP (married person) is never going to leave BS. Why is it ok for a male to do this yet women are attacked? lighthouse p.s. oyster my take on it is that she has not left yet so don't count on it - especially since they are still living together. women lie just as men do and chances are they are not living like roomates. she is probably not "on the couch" or "in the spare bedroom." nothing taken personally, no worries. I am at a breaking point. I will start dating other woman soon. The kicker is I don't want to screw up the next woman because of my current situation. (like I start having another relationship and the MW gets divorced and runs back to me). I don't expect roomate only as per her words. I agree she is lying. The million dollars question, if the hubby did not know of the affair, this is could last forever. But he knows. Apparently the affair her hubby had has ended but he has a new girlfriend. She has lots of siblings she can rely on, so I am not the only support she has. Her girlfriend told her to divorce.
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 You're right about that "lighthouse", it crossed my mind also when I was posting. I think that it was suggested that it could be revenge and that he shouldn't wait forever but noone screamed run as loudly as they do with its a SW with MM! Also wanted to thank Oyster for the post - that's the one situation that I haven't read alot about. I wondered how prevalent it was and whether the emotional response was the same for men as women in this situation. Generally, I would think for men it would just be another way to eat your cake and have it too - but Oyster contradicts that. relationships are complicated so sharing your experience with other anonymous user benefits the society as a whole. For me, all the reading I have been doing gives me an indication of what is "normal/typical", setting baseline, acceptable behaviour, timeline etc. I don't post to brag or diss people, just to share and grow
Chapter2 Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I've read many times that when you stay with a cheating spouse or partner then you are inviting them to cheat again...I think its true but I'm pretty sure the people who have opted to stay with cheaters don't. It may be the people who choose to stay feel the cheater got "sucked in" to cheating somehow instead of making the choice to betray them. I don't subscribe to that but I know some people do. One thing I don't understand is a MW is willing to stay with a cheating hubby because he will never leave her physically. Once a hubby cheats and the wife stays, that means he sets precedence to cheat more as it is tolerated. If she stays then she will be miserable as she will watch him bring home new girlfriends in her face.
Author oyster Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 I have wondered how this works with MW and SM. I've only personally known one situation like this and it was very similar to yours. She did leave her H for SM (the decision came about because she was jealous that he was free to "roam") and within a month it was over because he couldn't bear the thought that if she had done it to her husband (who also had the first A) that she would do it to him (his words). that is a very rational decision your friend did. the MW did ask me my opinion on the exact same comment if I did not fear that down the road she would do the same to me. My response was if she ever left me, that means that I fell in meeting her needs (emotional, family, financial support, sexual, chemistry). If she found someone else more suitable, I would set her free. No games, no BS, no prolonging the relationship like she is doing.
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