broke engagement w/ no warning

[Guest]

i was with what I thought was a very special girl for 4 years, and she ended our engagement 2 months before the wedding date with essentially no warning. Just woke up one day and decided I wasn't good enough. This is with someone whom we exchanged I love yous, conversation every day.

 

No cheating, no lying, no disfunctional behaviour, nothing. I treated her like a princess. On the surface 2 very good people who belong together and then one day its all over with no reason. Only heard from her 1 time later, and she had nothing to say.

 

Just looking for similar stories and followups to help understand. Thanks

[Kittiecat]

Well, I've never experienced it but I'll offer a humble guess: She didn't just wake up one day and decide she didn't want to marry you. It had been stewing inside her for a long time. You probably DID treat her like a princess, and that's why she stayed with you for so long - because you treated her so well, and any woman would be foolish to throw something like that away.

 

However, when the fundamental, deep, "core" feelings aren't there, no matter how shiny the surface, eventually it all caves in. She probably had no intentions of hurting you, but in the end she just couldn't make that commitment. In a strange way, she probably did you a favor. Broken engagement v. broken marriage?

 

Anyway, sorry to hear about all this. Good luck to you.

[Krying]

Sad to hear this Guest. My ex left me the day after we went and looked at wedding bands together. It wasn't that she left me that has me in so much pain, it's the way she did it. The timing could have been better, but how she related was so cold. She no longer needed me, or wanted me, and thus treated me like crap basically. Strange behavior, but a sign of things to come perhaps. I too agree this wasn't a snap decision on your ex's part. She had been stewing over this for awhile and possibly thought the feelings and confusion she had would pass.

 

It amazes me how so many situations could have been resolved or at least the pain lessened if people were only honest. If I had an inclination my ex was troubled at least I could have discussed it with her before her mind was made up. I hate how women can bury feelings like that and then one day just unleash them, and walk out of your life all in the space of minutes.

[AriaIncognito]

I hate how women can bury feelings like that and then one day just unleash them, and walk out of your life all in the space of minutes.

 

I can say the same thing about men. I dont think this is a gender specific action, unfortunately. My ex is that way. He just bottles things inside and can't express his emotions, whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve and tell him every little thing on my mind.

 

As for the OP, I agree with previous posters. Unfortunately, this is only out of the blue from your perspective. People that decide to leave, have been thinking about it for some time. They dont usually do it on a whim. Some might do it out of fear, or out of not thinking they have 100% of what they need, etc. Hopefully, in the long run, the ones that leave, are doing those left behind, a favor. That favor being, freeing them up for the person that will be there for them forever.

 

We can only hope.

[Guest]

what kind of person can tell someone they love someone else for 4 years, be engaged, introduce them to family, make specific plans for marriage, children, careers, etc all, ask to move in (never happend), all these things, yet still at the same time have major underlying concerns? How is that possible? Is it some kind of disorder? I could never imagine telling a girl I love them when I didn't really, really mean it, much less all these other things.

[Ssheena]

what kind of answer are you looking for? A bitch? A mentally disturbed person? I'd say a normal person and one that is introspective. I don't think there is a cut and dry "type of person". It's possible because people have done it (as the other posters have attempted to convey to you). I have been in a place where I have told my x husband I loved him but had serious doubts and I haven't been lying to him. I did love him. It is unfortunately, the way it is. I do not believe you are going to get the understanding of why and how so easily and a explanation that is going to explain it to your satisfaction as I don't think what she was thinking about can be explained or excused or justified in a statement...oh she has such and such a disorder.

 

I'm sorry you are hurt and I'm sure you must be in shock but remember she had been rolling the ideas and thoughts around in her head for a long time before making her decision. Be glad that it was now before you got married and had children.

[luvtoto]

Oh my, I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. That is horrible.

 

I have had that happen to me and here's a short run-down of what happened.

 

My current BF at the time had a bad childhood. His dad ran off and married another woman, and raised a whole 'nother family with her. Leaving him out of the family loop basically.

 

When he was an adult, he got married, had three kids and then got divorced.

 

When we met, we had a whirlwind relationship, that quickly led to an engagement. We were very happy. He asked me to marry him in front of family on Thanksgiving day...on one knee.

 

I was never happier. We had our wedding thought out. I even got as far as buying my wedding dress and buying tickets for our honeymoon. We were going to get married in Vegas.

 

Then, something just snapped inside of his head. So to speak. Like a lightswitch he was distant and wanted to call off the wedding...and wanted me to move out.

 

I have never been so hurt in all my life. I am still not the same person I used to be because of the let-down and abandonment.

 

I found out that he did it for his kids. He felt too guilty moving on with a new family to raise, and a new life with me and my kids.

 

His son told him, "Geez dad, just go and raise your new family." All his childhood memories came rushing to the surface.

 

That was all it took. It was over.

 

The bad thing was I never was able to hate him for it.

[norajane]

what kind of person can tell someone they love someone else for 4 years, be engaged, introduce them to family, make specific plans for marriage, children, careers, etc all, ask to move in (never happend), all these things, yet still at the same time have major underlying concerns? How is that possible? Is it some kind of disorder? I could never imagine telling a girl I love them when I didn't really, really mean it, much less all these other things.

 

To quote Patty Smyth, "Sometimes love just ain't enough".

 

You can love someone very much, but forever doesn't feel right with them, for whatever reason. It's not a disorder; it's reality.

 

Could she have shared her concerns with you before her final decision? Yes, of course. That can be really painful, though; it's sometimes easier to let go without the drawn-out discussions. And it's not likely it would have changed anything about her feelings - if she thought it might have, she probably would have talked to you about it.

[LakesideDream]

Sad, my thoughts are with you. There isn't much to say is there?

 

It may be for the best though... trust me it's harder finding out 25 years later.

 

I hope you can still enjoy your holidays.. best of luck.

[luvtoto]

Guest (OP), hopefully you will stick around here at LS.

 

LS will get you through anything!

[socialight]

OK I was guest but now a member, this is a great site. Anyway, shheena, thank you for your response -- I guess the answer I was looking for was "someone like shheena". I am sorry but I just cannot comprehend the mindset of someone (my ex in this case) who can say and do all the things consistent with being completely in love and the entire time have serious doubts or issues. I cannot, no, will not, forgive or condone that attitude or action. How many emotionally honest people are left in this world? We are talking about grown adults here!

[Ssheena]

Just a fyi, I responded the way that I did because you came back after others had posted their experiences with "thanks, but my question is

what kind of person can tell someone they love someone else for 4 years, etc. and insinuated that your x might have some sort of "disorder".

 

You seem to be looking for a cut and dry explanation of why and how someone could do this and there is no excusing this kind of behavior. I was merely pointing out as have other posters that this has happened to other people and while it is terrible, inexcusable, unforgiveable etc.. there are unfortunately people of both sexes who are capable of behavior such as this.

To me (my own opinion here) it came across that you were not putting any value on what the first posters replied to you.. ie, that's fine and dandy that you feel this way but I want to know what kind of person does this..is how it came across to me.

 

As I posted, I am sorry you were hurt.

[shawn_68]

Socialight,

 

Did she give you any reasons at all? What were things like during the last month or so?

[socialight]

sheena, I understand, actually kittiecat's post makes a lot of sense, whether I like it or not. Actually I can't help but think the great way I treated her ended up making things worse in that she stuck around longer.

 

shawn, no reasons, I only talked to her 2 times, and each time she changed her story, first it was "i love you but can't marry you", second time it was "I don't love you", she was obviously very confused and wracked with guilt. There really were no signs to me at all, she wasn't as affectionate in the last 2 or 3 months but at the same time she was very busy at work (yes, I can confirm it was work), and didn't create many opportunities for US time. It is almost like she chose her job and career over me, although in reality it was a false choice, as her career would go farther with me at her side than on her own.

 

It just doesn't make any sense. Her parents have told me repeatedly that I am better off with out her and deserve better. So have her friends. Makes me wonder if they know something I don't and just can't spill the beans.

[Rooster_DAR]

what kind of person can tell someone they love someone else for 4 years, be engaged, introduce them to family, make specific plans for marriage, children, careers, etc all, ask to move in (never happend), all these things, yet still at the same time have major underlying concerns? How is that possible? Is it some kind of disorder? I could never imagine telling a girl I love them when I didn't really, really mean it, much less all these other things.

 

Are you sure she is not seeing someone else?

 

Generally speaking more women are leaving men for these same reasons you are describing. There is a book called "Women's Infedelity" written by a freelance writer (female;Michelle Langley) that discusses this epidimic in America. According to the book (statistics back it up), more women are now leaving otherwise good relationships for something better, and 9 out of 10 times it's with someone else. Often we see lot's of sugar coating and excuses as to why they are leaving, but fundamentally it's because they are involved with someone else.

 

I don't believe neccesarily everything I read, but in this case the book seems to validate my personal experiences as well as close friends and colleagues.

 

If she is not cheating but honest,

 

There is not much you can do about it, but just let it go and take care of yourself. If she is involved with someone else, then that statistically will fall apart as well. I don't thinks it's normal for someone to all of a sudden do a 180 on you without some telltale signs of trouble, but it does happen to lot's of people.

 

Cheers!

[socialight]

[if she is not cheating but honest, There is not much you can do about it, but just let it go and take care of yourself. If she is involved with someone else, then that statistically will fall apart as well. I don't thinks it's normal for someone to all of a sudden do a 180 on you without some telltale signs of trouble, but it does happen to lot's of people.

 

 

I can't say for sure. I cannot prove anything. Most older people I have talked said that she mostly likely had her sights set on someone else, even if it was not in play. Someone even told me that she is seeing some sleazeball attorney who was at our engagement party, but that doesn't make sense, because she always harped about our age difference and he is 5 years older than me.

 

Please elaborate on the "statistically will fall apart as well" bit. The older women I talked too said that I dodged a bullet, that people that conduct them selves in this fashion generally end up in one broken relationship after another the rest of their lives. I would like to know if there are facts that back that up.

[shawn_68]

shawn, no reasons, I only talked to her 2 times, and each time she changed her story, first it was "i love you but can't marry you", second time it was "I don't love you", she was obviously very confused and wracked with guilt.

 

It's really erie because your story sounds so close to mine. And after close to a year later, I really don't have any concrete answers. So I know how you feel.

 

Eventually I stopped trying to figure it out. It lead nowhere. For me, it was far better to cut my losses and understand that SHE was the one missing out on a great thing.

 

If you're still in contact with her I would stop. I doubt it's going to help you any further. It's far better to leave things in her court and let her seek you out if she's ever ready.

 

I wish I could say something to make the pain go away. Just know that life has a way of working things out. At some point you'll see what I mean.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

-S

[socialight]

sean, no, there is no contact. She said she cannot "see or talk to me for a very long time". It was weird, the last time I talked to her it was like she had been replaced with an android. You are right, i am learning more and more it's pretty much a pointless search. I just thought I would try here as well.

[Rooster_DAR]

[if she is not cheating but honest, There is not much you can do about it, but just let it go and take care of yourself. If she is involved with someone else, then that statistically will fall apart as well. I don't thinks it's normal for someone to all of a sudden do a 180 on you without some telltale signs of trouble, but it does happen to lot's of people.

 

 

I can't say for sure. I cannot prove anything. Most older people I have talked said that she mostly likely had her sights set on someone else, even if it was not in play. Someone even told me that she is seeing some sleazeball attorney who was at our engagement party, but that doesn't make sense, because she always harped about our age difference and he is 5 years older than me.

 

Please elaborate on the "statistically will fall apart as well" bit. The older women I talked too said that I dodged a bullet, that people that conduct them selves in this fashion generally end up in one broken relationship after another the rest of their lives. I would like to know if there are facts that back that up.

 

Here are some statistics: (taken from http://www.womansavers.com/infidelity-statistics.asp)

 

[FONT=Arial]A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.

 

Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include: intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the affairee.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]-It is estimated that 53% of all people will have one or more affairs during their lifetime.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Look at the numbers from a recent issue of Playboy Magazine:[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]-2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit they have sexual thoughts about co-workers.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]-86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]-75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]-The fact is that human beings are NOT monogamous by nature. That means they cheat.

 

[/FONT][FONT=Arial]Experts say that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheating lover. Adultery statistics state that 85% of woman who feel their lover is cheating are correct. 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. The first clue is seldom obvious. Typically, it's a "feeling" that something is different.

 

[/FONT][FONT=Arial]Cheating spouse statistics confirm that 50 and 70 percent of married men (between 38 and 53 million men) have cheated or will cheat on their wives. One study found that 2/3 of the wives (26 to 36 million women) whose husbands were cheating had no idea their husbands were having an affair - largely because they failed to recognize the telltale signs. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]According to Annette Lawson, author of "Adultery," published in 1989 by Basic Books.

"The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty."

 

And another: http://www.infidelity-cheaters.com/causesofinfidelity.html

 

[/FONT]According to Lusterman (1998), men and women tend to seek different types of fulfillment when turning to infidelity. “Research shows that women are more likely to link sex with love and emotional connection, while men's involvements are more often primarily sexual” (p. 19).

Peterson (2003) outlines the many risk factors that lead to infidelity:

• “Proximity at the office…. Attractions are a fact of life when men and women work side by side.”

• “Family patterns.” As indicated by Lusterman, parents who cheat can warp their children's view of relationships, producing “sons who betray their wives and daughters who either accept affairs as normal or are unfaithful themselves.”

• “Biochemical cravings.” The excitement of infidelity can produce changes in brain chemistry that cause the experience to become “almost addictive.”

• A “biological need for connection can result from ‘severe stress, loss or separation' that often can be traced back to childhood.”

• “Internet temptations.” Cyber-affairs are more and more common, as the Internet provides “anonymity and convenience” and “escape from the stresses of everyday life.”

• “Increasing premarital sex.” Before premarital sex became so common, most women were far less comfortable about committing infidelity with anyone but their husband.

• “Child-centered marriages.” When both parents work, they tend to “give what time they have to the children.” Spouses are then more likely to go outside the marriage and commit infidelity to get the connection and enjoyment they're missing from their partner at home.

[socialight]

thanks rooster. I just doubt she was cheating. Very very possible she had feelings for someone else, weighed it heavily, and decided to gamble on them instead of me. But she comes from a solid family, and there is no history of that (to my knowledge) in her parents or siblings, pretty much a straight shooting crowd.

[Krying]

Hmm, the fact her own parents said you would be better off without her is a red flag. Obviously they know something and are not telling you. I experienced this same behavior from mutual friends of my ex and myself. Turns out I knew a lot more than they thought I did. But would just tell me I'm better off etc. I think her parents and your friends are simply trying to be nice to you and not hurt your feelings. But for me it had the opposite effect. I would have much rather been told the truth than to have it sugar coated.

 

Think of it like this. The consequences of telling the truth are not as bad as sugar coating a lie.