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He asked for more affection but I don't think he meant it


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I'm confused.

 

I started dating a man several months ago (I'm mid-30s, he's early 40s). He seemed smitten, and told me he was falling for me about 2 months after we became exclusive (we'd been dating for about 4 months total). I was also really into him, but was scared to talk about "love" yet, because it felt too soon and that had been a problem (in the reverse) in my last relationship. I was honest with him about what I felt, told him as clearly as I could that it wasn't because I didn't have strong feelings about him, I just didn't want to rush things, and he seemed okay with it, if still a bit unsure of how I felt about him.

 

A few weeks later, we had our first big fight. I realized at that point that I was indeed falling in love with him, but it felt manipulative to say so in the middle of a fight. But the problem is that part of the fight was because he felt like I wasn't demonstrative enough about my feelings for him (the other part - my part - had to do with feeling insecure and feeling afraid to be vulnerable). After we had begun to talk it out, I decided to go for it and acknowledged that I was scared of feeling vulnerable, but that I didn't want to be that way with him anymore. And then I basically told him I loved him too.

 

He didn't say it back then, and I figured it was possible he was still feeling hurt. Since then (it's been about another month) he still hasn't said it again. Neither have I. And I have noticed our relationship has altered - now, I'm making more of an effort to be demonstrative, to be tender, to say sweet things (all of which he said he had been frustrated by before). In return, he's become somewhat more caustic, much more rarely says sweet things to me, and instead teases me a bit harshly at times (last weekend he went a bit too far, and I asked him to stop, which started a fight - he said he didn't think he'd gone too far and thought I was being oversensitive).

 

An interesting thing that happened this week is that he's been sick. A couple of months ago, he was also feeling a bit sick over at my house, and was very happy that I wanted to take care of him. Yesterday, I tried to make some tea at his house and he seemed very reluctant to let me do it. I also offered to get him some soup but he refused. I don't get it. He would have been much more happy about this a while back. Is it that suddenly, he thinks I'm smothering? But how did that happen??? I thought he was so concerned that I wasn't demonstrative or caring enough!

 

I'm very very confused. I've been trying to specifically address his concerns, and become more outwardly loving, basically. But now, he's less so. What I don't know is whether that's because he feels differently about me after our fight, whether he's suddenly feeling smothered by me being more affectionate, despite his apparent wish for it, whether the caustic thing is his way of protecting himself in case we break up (which is what nearly happened a few weeks back), or whether I'm just imagining things and he's just being teasing because he's more comfortable.

 

He's kind of high-maintenance, emotion-wise - but I knew that going in, so I'm okay with it. What I'm struggling with is how to navigate among the apparent mixed messages. Should I now back off from being demonstrative after all? Is that what's driving him away and making him less inclined to be loving toward me in return?

 

I should add that he has told me clearly he doesn't want to break up, and he has been consistent about calling and spending time together. He has also introduced me to everyone in his life - family, friends, co-workers - even people he didn't introduce his ex to, although they dated for 2 years. He's coming over for Thanksgiving and will be meeting my family, too. So I don't think it's exactly that he isn't interested anymore or wants to end things - I think there's some complicated emotional thing going on here. But I'm too vulnerable and worried to be able to see things clearly, and I don't want to freak out just because I'm confused. Can anyone help?

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