Why Do I Want to do this?

[Speedo]

Its only been less than a month. In the begining, I was all she wanted. I wasn't ready to give her my heart. I'm good at getting them, but it takes them to pull away before I realize that I really love them back. She became distant making me really suspicious. Fast forward to the breakup, it was bad. After months of me trying to show her that she "got to me," and that I truly loved her, and her complete apathy towards me, I got drunk and accused her of cheating. Called her a bunch of bad names in her vm. I still have my suspicions, but she denied it of course. Needless to say, I don't think I burned a bridge, I think I blew it up 4 times, then blew up the crater. She said she didn't love me after that. I tried maybe 3 emails. Only one was answered. No talking on the phone.

I just caught myself calling her at her work, which is the only place I can get her if I want to. I hung up before I was transfered to her.

I keep thinking, 'this is over, walk away." But I honestly cannot get over this awful feeling inside. The fact that I never got to tell her how I felt, and explain myself fully before I moved on. To be clear, I'm not looking for reconcilliation. Even if she wanted to, I don't think I could right now. I'm too hurt, and there are things about her I am really not sure about. But I have this need to "get it out" to her about what happened, why we broke up, and how I felt. I'm not looking to NC her to get her back. I want to do NC because I really couldn't go on like this. She is doing NC to me, but not to get me back. I have no delusions of that. Right now, I don't care about pride, I just want to clear the record for myself, so I can move on. Maybe this is a bad idea, I'm so confused right now I don't know. What do you all think?

[ImInPain]

Write her a letter in the old fashioned format. Pen and paper and mail it. Much more concrete and gives her something to hold and read over and over and then move on. Do what you need to do for you....

[lolablue]

I agree...

 

Do what you need to do to be able to know that you got your closure and peace of mind. Mail it off...

 

Take care

[Speedo]

Thanks, thats a good idea. But, she recently moved, and I have no idea the address. I'd have to call her for that. Ideally, I'd like to meet face to face. Is this a bad idea?

[lolablue]

If your okay to meet her and she's willing then go ahead and do it, I know for me when we met up soon after the break up it set me back in my progress to move forward, but I did send a letter so I would have some closure, but everyone is different right? Call her and see if she'll agree to meet you and if not ask if you can talk to her right then, so you don't carry on with the uneasiness.

 

I wish you the best!

[JaneInVegas]

Okay, I'm a big fan of the letter idea, too. The face to face thing probably won't work out, even as much as you want it to.

 

If you don't have her address, you clearly can get her work address pretty easily. Just make sure you remember to mark on the envelope 'personal'. I'm sure there's not an office in the world that wouldn't respect that.

 

Also, if I were in your shoes, before sending the letter I would have a trusted female who is completely nuetral to your situation read it first.

 

Good luck to you, be sure you post what happens, regardless of what you decide to do.

[Speedo]

Just wrote what looks like the Gettysburg address. It's freakin long as hell, but therapudic. I'm going to try to call her, if the face to face is a no go, then I'll give her the letter somehow. I'll keep you posted. Thanks to everyone for your advice.

[Speedo]

Well, I can't get her at work. Just left her a voicemail on her cell phone. I was real calm, cheerful and basically said. "hey, I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry I'm calling your cell, I just have a favor to ask you. Please call me back when you get a chance."

Anyway, for some reason I have a feeling that she won't call me back. That will be enough I guess to know that I tried.

I'm confident (without proof) that she's seeing someone else. Probably before we broke up. I just have this gut feeling. I'm fine with that. I don't expect her to be celebate after we're done. She apparently doesn't need closure, I think she worked on the closure thing months before we broke up. It was a piece of cake for her I think. Meanwhile, I was blindsided. If she doesn't call, do you think that it's because she has this negative image of me, and wants to keep that so it makes things really easy on her? What I wrote her was not a " I want you back " letter. Quite the contrary. However, it will put me in perspective, and it has alot of possitive things to say about her that I never got the chance to say. I need to get this letter to her for myself. Should I try again or let it go?

[lolablue]

I always trust my gut. If she doesn't return your call and you still need to get it off your chest, I would send the letter, can you get her address? Or can you send it to her email? Work address? I really think you need to do this for yourself and for your closure. JMPO.

 

Take care, and thanks for the update.

[Speedo]

I don't know if I can get her address. She has to return my call for that one. And her work? She works in a lab that is unlisted. I happened to know the unlisted number from when we dated, so I'm not sure that's an option either.

[Guest]

Well, I actually caught her by phone last Friday. She told me "it was really good to hear from me." I agreed, and told her sometime this week I wanted to meet up, and give her the letter I wrote. Wish me luck!

[Speedo]

Okay. The time is near. I would like to use the advice of an above poster and have a girl read the letter first. Any female volunteers? It's too long to post here.

[lolablue]

Sure... I'll help you out if you'd like...

[BannaBee57]

You can post it in a couple chunks and get several replies if you want.

[Speedo]

Thanks bananabees, but its WAY Too long..not for the feint of heart or the impatient. I'll have to email it somewhere I suppose.

[Speedo]

Need some advice here. If you read above, you know that I have this novel I need to send to my ex for closure. I just emailed her this;

 

" hope you had a great weekend with your cousin. That's got to be freakin exciting! I hope he ran like speedy gonzales for the scouts.

I'm writing because It looks like you and I will be pretty busy, and since you are on nights it may be difficult to meet. I would rather see you in person, but if that's not possible than I was thinking I could email it to you? If you want me to email it, let me know if you want it sent to your yahoo or work email.

The ball is in your court to decide if you would like to meet up and get your stuff back. I will respect any decision you make on that. I'm really not trying to make this into a huge deal, it's just something I feel I have to do before we part ways for good. You have my word that I will not contact you again after you recieve the letter. Please call/email me and let me know your thoughts on that. Again, I'll be out of town from Wed. through Sunday of this week. Thanks"

 

She replied with this:

 

 

"

Thanks for the good word for my cousin. I appreciate it. He pitched great! I am so very proud. since I am going to be on nights until I go to Miami on the 14th, we will have to get together after the 21st. I wont be back until then. But, if you have to do it right now. I guess you could email me. But, please use my yahoo account

 

So, my question is, should I email her the letter, or should I wait to see her in person? To me, (as you can probably gather from her response) that she really doesn't give a shyte. This is more for me to have a clear conscious, and that I told her everything I needed to tell her. The thing is, I've moved on ALOT since we broke up a month ago, and it seems to me that the longer I wait, the more the letter will be "out of date" and obsolete. I would rather do it in person, but I thought I'd email her the letter, and be done with it. she is moving out of state by the 1st of the year. I fear that I can't rely on her to be able to see me in person prior to that as I will be busy this month also. Thats my feelings on it. But for all of you outsiders looking in, what do you think? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. [/COLOR][/FONT]

[Speedo]

Sure... I'll help you out if you'd like...

 

 

How did I miss your reply lolablue?? I didn't even see it. Let me know if you still want to read it before I send it.

 

And anyone else who is viewing my above post, what should I do?