Dysfunctional communication....

[MassiveAtom]

How long has this been going on?

 

Do you think that there is a chance - through therapy, or other means - that you might as a couple be able to overcome this cycle?

 

This is good.... I'm starting to see that I've been giving this my all... Yeah, BP I suggested therapy...at first I got, "If we can't solve this together, then what's the point!?!" (I used to say that same thing a Loooong time ago)

 

Then a few weeks later she said "Okay, let's go, I'll find a therapist." SHe never did, we never did.... I had a therapist all lined up and [girlfriend] didn't "Like" her.

 

I've been seeing her for about two years... and thecycle started almost immediately, only much less intense than it is now.

[MassiveAtom]

<snip> Hopefully he can find a way to resolve the issues that do exist.

II, I'm thoroughly impressed with the clarity of your communication and the sensibilities that your posts embody.

 

Genuinely, Thank you for posting.

[BabyPhoenix]

I've been seeing her for about two years... and thecycle started almost immediately, only much less intense than it is now.

 

And how is that working for you? Are you happy? Fulfilled?

 

How is this relationship enhancing your life?

[MassiveAtom]

Hey, I just got the response to my long email. I can see the message behind the text, but I need an impartial review. HA ! like you all are impartial! LOL! I'm KIDDING!!

 

Should I post it sans identifying entries? It'll help I think.

[Art_Critic]

Why haven't you called her ?

 

You have been with her 2 years.. your relationship deserves more than email communication..

[Walk]

I can't believe you posted this without any back ground information. Neat example on the differences between how men and women speak. Swear i had this exact conversation with my bf about a year ago... except, a lot louder and face to face...

[girlfriend]wrote:

Hi [boyfriend]

 

As I understood, you said you'd like me to solve any issues you think > i< have, regarding us, on my own. That is not how i can, or will, handle it. So I'm not clear... were you saying that either I do it that way, or we're done?

 

[girlfriend]

-----

 

Sounds like she was under the impression that you were through dealing with her problems, and for her to solve it on her own. If you did imply that, then it leaves a person feeling singular, on their own... single.

 

She said, she doesn't want to be singular, she wants to resolve the problems with you. If you don't want to do that, then she'd rather break up then "pretend" to be in a relationship. She's saying "this is what I heard, this is how I felt" and giving you the opportunity to clarify what you said now that both of you are calmer and more rational.

 

From: [boyfriend] Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 11:24 AM

To: [girlfriend]

Subject: Re: as I said I would...

 

Please answer the question I asked you so we can proceed with this conversation in an orderly fashion.

 

[boyfriend]

Men are action oriented. So you tell her to answer the question. You feel like she's skirting around it.

 

You're girl on the other hand, in the message above, just told you why she got so frustrated and said it was over. She felt you were telling her you didn't care about her problem. So she brought it up (above) in response to your question of "over or not" because your response to that determines if you're over or not. If you again tell her that she's the head case and it's all her problem and you are not going to bother helping, then it's probably over in her mind.

 

[girlfriend] wrote:

Please don't be such a hard*ss, so we can proceed in a productive fashion. I did answer. "I'm not clear."

 

To me.. sounds as if she's trying to take a step back and discuss this calmly. She asks you to tone it down, and plays on your words of 'production fashion' because you've dug under her skin with that comment. SHe's trying not to get pissed, but your pushing her. But she still answers your original question and leaves the door open for discussion.

 

THen you say this.....

 

[boyfriend wrote]

 

[girlfriend]

 

You're not clear that we broke up last night. I'm concluding that you need my response to your last question in order to BE clear.

I will respond in the next few lines. Your last email was unfortunate, and frankly, rather offensive.*

 

How was her email "offensive"????

 

Here is my response:

 

If you were to have listened for more than two sentences, you would have heard the complete thought. The issues each of us bring to the relationship are each our own. We are EACH individually responsible for doing the personal work needed to cope with, reconcile, and accept or change those issues that we see are incompatible in this relationship. It is good to discuss these issues between the two parties, given the discussion can at all times be productive and patient. Communication styles have a profound effect on that outcome......

 

You sound just like my bf... eerie. On and on and on and on about what you were saying.. ramming home the point until the other persons head spins so wildly that they don't even know where to start.... Frankly, your post confounded me. I'm not an idiot, I test high on IQ tests. So I know it's not lack of a brain that causes me confusion... yet I'm still unclear on what your point was.

I believe deeply that the cause of an offense, rests in the offended. The cause of anger is seated within the angry person. I believe there is no rational cause and effect in the emotional realm, only appearances of a semblance of cause and effect.

 

Who are you talking to? The national geographic society, or the woman you love. Put it in terms of the two of you. You sound like my phsycology professor talking to an auditorium.

 

I believe that you evade conscious confrontation, by donning the mask of anger and double-speak. I've seen ample evidence of that while knowing you. I don't hate you for it. But I can't help you with it. Last night was a prime example....

 

She's faking being upset? Most women are emotional creatures. Men are very logical. How come if she doesn't think just like you, then she's "evading conscious confrontation"? Sounds to me like she brings up problems to you on a regular basis.. Doesn't sound as if you understand what she's saying though.

 

It is impossible for me to have ANY position of stability from which to assist you in dealing with or confronting the issues you bring to this relationship, in this environment. Which is why I DO in fact believe that you must deal with them with a professional because I am unskilled, and unqualified to help you in this matter.

 

 

 

Ouch. That's all I can say... ouch. I'd rip your face from your skull for saying that. You just told her that she's f'ing crazy and every single things she's tried to communicate to you is a bunch of bullshyt that is produced by a psychotic thought process.

 

You really built yourself up as a man who's willing to listen and "help" with problems... Only help you'll give her is a daily dose of lithium.

 

If this is how you "normally" deal with issues she brings up, then no wonder she feels like you don't care about her problems.

 

Do yourself a favor and research the differences between how men and women communicate. If you love this girl at all, then suggest the two of you do it. Try and meet some where in the middle as much as possible. But your bull nosed, hard driving tactics are NOT going to get the results you want. It works in the male world, it does not work in a relationship with a female who thinks like a woman.

 

Anyway.. I think you had a chance to really make some improvements in your relationship.. but you blew it. You threw all the blame onto her, and refused to accept your part. Its not just her, its not jsut you. Its BOTH of you. You just told her it was all her.. again. and for her to figure it out cause you weren't tolerating it anymore. You shifted all blame onto her.

[MassiveAtom]

Why haven't you called her ?

 

You have been with her 2 years.. your relationship deserves more than email communication..

 

Cuz I'm at work!

[Walk]

Cuz I'm at work!

 

I'd be interested in seeing how she responded. Personally I'd be furious with you. How did she respond?

 

p.s. I know you didn't tell us even an iota of the full story, and all of our responses are going to be based completely off what you tell us happened. If you don't feel a posters response (ie: mine) is accurate, then disregard it. It's YOUR life, and your relationship. You know the full story, we don't.

 

last thought.. if you honestly think she's got mental problems, then run. Don't put yourself through that.

[MassiveAtom]

Sounds like she was under the impression that you were through dealing with her problems, and for her to solve it on her own. If you did imply that, then it leaves a person feeling singular, on their own... single.

I COULD leave a person feeling that way...Doesn't HAVE to. She SHOULD be under that impression because, I've been dealing with her issues with me for a long time. Every issue she has come to me with, I've tried to listen and offer her a compassionate ear, it HAS broken down now. I definitely do admit that. I know I have changed into a cold and clinical person lately. I'm sure it's a defensive/protective reaction though.

 

She said, she doesn't want to be singular, she wants to resolve the problems with you. If you don't want to do that, then she'd rather break up then "pretend" to be in a relationship. She's saying "this is what I heard, this is how I felt" and giving you the opportunity to clarify what you said now that both of you are calmer and more rational.

That's just it, she doesn't try to resolve anything she just yells and screams!

 

 

Men are action oriented. So you tell her to answer the question. You feel like she's skirting around it.

Well, I THINK she is. I FEEL that my question is devalued and of no importance when I THINK she is skirting around the question.

You're girl on the other hand, in the message above, just told you why she got so frustrated and said it was over.

but that's a question I didn't ask.

She felt you were telling her you didn't care about her problem. So she brought it up (above) in response to your question of "over or not" because your response to that determines if you're over or not. If you again tell her that she's the head case and it's all her problem and you are not going to bother helping, then it's probably over in her mind. [/b]

I'm starting to think it SHOULD be over.

 

 

 

To me.. sounds as if she's trying to take a step back and discuss this calmly. She asks you to tone it down, and plays on your words of 'production fashion' because you've dug under her skin with that comment. SHe's trying not to get pissed, but your pushing her. But she still answers your original question and leaves the door open for discussion.

See I know her tone of voice and inflection. She was being b|tchy when she wrote "Please don't be a hard@ss"

 

 

You sound just like my bf... eerie. On and on and on and on about what you were saying.. ramming home the point until the other persons head spins so wildly that they don't even know where to start.... Frankly, your post confounded me. I'm not an idiot, I test high on IQ tests. So I know it's not lack of a brain that causes me confusion... yet I'm still unclear on what your point was.

I know you're not an idiot Walk, but the one thing that's missing here is the transcript of our entire relationship. You surely know that there are themes and conversations that thread through the time people are together. SHE knows what I'm saying and why I'm saying it.

 

 

Who are you talking to? The national geographic society, or the woman you love. Put it in terms of the two of you. You sound like my phsycology professor talking to an auditorium.

She won't let me tell her I love her. She told me not to say it if it will ever change. I know how it sounds walk. I affected that level of diction because I wanted to be clear.

 

 

She's faking being upset?

No, she is genuinely upset. She upset because I'm not being soft and sweet to her ( I usually am). Upset that I keep telling her that I've had enough of her berating me about the FACTS of this relationship. She complains ALL the time that I'm divorced and have kids....If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with a person who is divorced with kids, then I'm probably not the person for her to be with.

Most women are emotional creatures. Men are very logical.

LOL!!!! That's a hoot!

How come if she doesn't think just like you, then she's "evading conscious confrontation"? Sounds to me like she brings up problems to you on a regular basis.. Doesn't sound as if you understand what she's saying though.

not quite... a difference of oopinion is not evasion, but telling me one thing and then doing another and refusing to admit that what was said was not done, IS evasion.

 

 

 

 

 

I'd rip your face from your skull for saying that.

That's pretty crappy.

You just told her that she's f'ing crazy and every single things she's tried to communicate to you is a bunch of bullshyt that is produced by a psychotic thought process.

That's what I think is going on. I haven't seen her behave any other way when she gets like this.

 

You really built yourself up as a man who's willing to listen and "help" with problems... Only help you'll give her is a daily dose of lithium.

Whatever...

If this is how you "normally" deal with issues she brings up, then no wonder she feels like you don't care about her problems.

No, it's not how I USUALLY deal with problems she brings me. As I've said before, it's how I've begun to deal with them.

 

Do yourself a favor and research the differences between how men and women communicate. If you love this girl at all, then suggest the two of you do it. Try and meet some where in the middle as much as possible. But your bull nosed, hard driving tactics are NOT going to get the results you want. It works in the male world, it does not work in a relationship with a female who thinks like a woman.

THen maybe I should end this relationship before >I< do any more harm.

 

Anyway.. I think you had a chance to really make some improvements in your relationship.. but you blew it. You threw all the blame onto her, and refused to accept your part. Its not just her, its not jsut you. Its BOTH of you. You just told her it was all her.. again. and for her to figure it out cause you weren't tolerating it anymore. You shifted all blame onto her.

 

and now you shifted the blame onto me.

You sound just like her! heh heh heh

[Walk]

Can I ask a question? Not being sarcastic, or anything, just curious.

 

Do you feel that the things she brings up as "problems" are based off of her insecurities?

 

Or the problems she brings up, are they like.. not enough affection, not enough attention, type things?

[MassiveAtom]

Do you feel that the things she brings up as "problems" are based off of her insecurities?

Sometimes, Yes. She admits that is the case too. She calls it her baggage. I don't think she's crazy! but she does have these episodes.

Or the problems she brings up, are they like.. not enough affection, not enough attention, type things?

um, yeah, now that I think about it. I find that I have to spend HUGE amounts of time with her now, and only her, if I expect her to be even slightly happy for a while. Sometimes even that isn't right though.

[Walk]

Quote:

Anyway.. I think you had a chance to really make some improvements in your relationship.. but you blew it. You threw all the blame onto her, and refused to accept your part. Its not just her, its not jsut you. Its BOTH of you. You just told her it was all her.. again. and for her to figure it out cause you weren't tolerating it anymore. You shifted all blame onto her.

 

and now you shifted the blame onto me.

You sound just like her! heh heh heh

 

I'm a very defensive person and it took me a long long time to not feel as though I was being attacked whenever my bf said there was problem..

 

I wasn't saying YOU were at fault. I'm saying BOTH of you are at fault. Equally responsible.

 

Interesting that you felt by her asking a different question in response to your "over or not" question that you felt invalidated. Hadn't occured to me that a guy would feel that way. I'm pretty non-linear in thought, so a question out of the blue like that would make sense to me. My bf gets really irritated that I don't follow a consistent line of thought but jump around.

 

Hey, I'm sorry I got so pissy toward the end of that post.. My bf said the same thing to me that you said to this girl,(about being crazy) and I'm still deeply hurt by it. It's not a nice thing to hear from the person who supposedly loves you so much.

[Walk]

Sometimes, Yes. She admits that is the case too. She calls it her baggage. I don't think she's crazy! but she does have these episodes.

um, yeah, now that I think about it. I find that I have to spend HUGE amounts of time with her now, and only her, if I expect her to be even slightly happy for a while. Sometimes even that isn't right though.

 

She wants time, or quality of interaction? Like, is she happy if you're just there, or do you feel obligated to be solely focused on her?

[lighthouse]

 

Who are you talking to? The national geographic society, or the woman you love. Put it in terms of the two of you. You sound like my phsycology professor talking to an auditorium.

 

Walk is right on!

There is a HUGE difference between talking calmly to someone and talking to them like you are lecturing them. It sounds as if you are lecturing her whereas she is trying, in the emails at least, to calmly answer your question.

Imagine it like this:

If you called your gf and said "I was just in a car accident" and she said "Oh, that is tragic. It must have been your failure to yield to oncoming traffic or possibly it was the fact that you were engaging in the delicate yet precise operation of trying to extricate an article of clothing from the rear-half of your automobile. Perhaps you should consider going back to Drivers Ed or possibly enrolling in a defensive driving class?"

Or do you want her to say "That sucks. I'll come and pick you up. Everyone has accidents. I am glad that you are OK."

Whether this car accident was your fault or not it doesn't matter. It is her reaction that matters.

Your emails to her sound like you are writing a letter in a technical writing class I took in my sophomore year in college.

That is my take on the emails. Your relationship with her is a different matter.

lighthouse

[InsanityImpaired]

As I wrote earlier, we can't get a clear picture of the real situation just by reading the emails. My remarks should not be considered to be factual, in the sense that I am describing what is really happening, but more how OP is subjectively experiencing all this. I may be well off the mark though.

 

There is a HUGE difference between talking calmly to someone and talking to them like you are lecturing them. It sounds as if you are lecturing her whereas she is trying, in the emails at least, to calmly answer your question.

But where did this "lecture" come from? That is the question.

Imagine it like this:

If you called your gf and said "I was just in a car accident" and she said "Oh, that is tragic. It must have been your failure to yield to oncoming traffic or possibly it was the fact that you were engaging in the delicate yet precise operation of trying to extricate an article of clothing from the rear-half of your automobile. Perhaps you should consider going back to Drivers Ed or possibly enrolling in a defensive driving class?"

Or do you want her to say "That sucks. I'll come and pick you up. Everyone has accidents. I am glad that you are OK."

The problem is that OP feels she first decided that driving around blind-folded is the sane thing to do, despite all OP's protestations. And when an accident happens (quelle surprise!) she suddenly demands a heart-felt reaction, which was made impossible before, because his concerns for her safety were willingly ignored. Made impossible because of her reasoning and actions. Because she acted on the idea that it would be the sane thing to drive blindfolded. It is pretty hard to sympathise with someone who insists on doing the outrageously stupid, and feels entitled to the rewards for this behavior. And insists on not being called on displayed stupid behavior, which led to the accident.

 

I get the impression that OP does not know how to deal with her seemingly randomly motivated behavior. Of course it is not random behavior; yet little fruitful effort seems to have been made to improve this. That points to issues on all sides in the relationship.

 

She says she wants to discuss matters calmly, yet insists (if OP is factual) on continuing the discussion when OP's patience is wearing thin, which he openly admitted to her; and after three hours that is not strange. I would like to suggest to anyone that they should try to listen to the same 5 remarks for an hour, and perhaps you see that when, despite all your attempts to improve the depth of conversation, you still get the same replies over and over and over and over again, you may feel just a tad frustrated.

She says she wants to work on the relationship, but does not want to put into practice any idea that OP gets from therapy, thus keeping the same dysfunctional patterns in tact. At least that is how OP perceives it. I can see that some people would get frustrated as a result of this.

 

Behaviors like that can wear people down. The issues that seem to exist may well be the effect of her behavior, instead of the other way around. Although not necessarily. Her behavior may be caused by ... et cetera, et cetera. These behaviors will not contribute to willingness to communicate in a more friendly tone. We cannot draw any inference from the emails with regards to cause and effect. Ultimately cause and effect become meaningless categories.

 

If your blindfolded friend did get into an accident would you comiserate with him and tell him to drive again blindfolded, or would you try to tell him that driving around blindfolded is perhaps not the best of ideas?

And what if you feel that a person with whom you are in a relationship, is approaching the relationship blindfolded? But for one reason or another you cannot or may not address that issue, even though the two of you are running into fights, arguments, and what not as a result of people being blindfolded?

 

Sometimes it just seems that people cannot have a healthy relationship with each other because their flaws are not compatible.

[MassiveAtom]

<snip>

I wasn't saying YOU were at fault. I'm saying BOTH of you are at fault. Equally responsible.

I realized that just after I posted. Couldn't get back to edit. Consider the comment redacted.

Interesting that you felt by her asking a different question in response to your "over or not" question that you felt invalidated. Hadn't occured to me that a guy would feel that way. I'm pretty non-linear in thought, so a question out of the blue like that would make sense to me. My bf gets really irritated that I don't follow a consistent line of thought but jump around.

Well I've never been much like the "everyguy," I love non-linear thought and even constant chaos and change - make me feel alive....but "it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" Then I want to find out exactly what happened and see if I can avoid or resolve it so it doesn't happen again.

Hey, I'm sorry I got so pissy toward the end of that post.. My bf said the same thing to me that you said to this girl,(about being crazy) and I'm still deeply hurt by it. It's not a nice thing to hear from the person who supposedly loves you so much.

You know, I appreciate your apology. And I'm sorry if I tweaked you there. I appreciate the honesty in your response though. Not sugar coated, and definitely candid. But see that's just it, I am not allowed to express how good I feel about her when things are going great. She doesn't want me to say anything unless there's a guarantee that it won't go away.

 

She wants time, or quality of interaction? Like, is she happy if you're just there, or do you feel obligated to be solely focused on her?

It depends, She doesn't seem to mind if I'm doing my own thing, but she will bring it up later as if I ignored or hurt her by not being face to face with her.

[MassiveAtom]

Walk is right on!

There is a HUGE difference between talking calmly to someone and talking to them like you are lecturing them. It sounds as if you are lecturing her whereas she is trying, in the emails at least, to calmly answer your question.

 

I'm addressing several of the points that were discussed in the conversation that led to the original message I sent this morning. She on the other hand is doing something else. She MAY have been calm, but that's what's unclear in email.

Imagine it like this:

If you called your gf and said "I was just in a car accident" and she said "Oh, that is tragic. It must have been your failure to yield to oncoming traffic or possibly it was the fact that you were engaging in the delicate yet precise operation of trying to extricate an article of clothing from the rear-half of your automobile. Perhaps you should consider going back to Drivers Ed or possibly enrolling in a defensive driving class?"

Or do you want her to say "That sucks. I'll come and pick you up. Everyone has accidents. I am glad that you are OK."

I say the latter the first two or three accidents. Then when the third fender bender occurs, I go get her, and when she's calmed down a bit, I say, "Babe, I know it's tough to be in a car accident, and I'm glad you're okay but this is getting to be a problem.... It's really started affect your driving record I'm sure...For your own safety, It might be a good idea for you to go back to drivers ed..."

Whether this car accident was your fault or not it doesn't matter. It is her reaction that matters.

Your emails to her sound like you are writing a letter in a technical writing class I took in my sophomore year in college.

That is my take on the emails. Your relationship with her is a different matter.

lighthouse

 

My long email is an example of the tone I have begun taking because numerous attempts at calm, gentle urging, among other things, has not worked.

[MassiveAtom]

But where did this "lecture" come from? That is the question.

Building up over a while.

The problem is that OP feels she first decided that driving around blind-folded is the sane thing to do, despite all OP's protestations. And when an accident happens (quelle surprise!) she suddenly demands a heart-felt reaction, which was made impossible before, because his concerns for her safety were willingly ignored. Made impossible because of her reasoning and actions. Because she acted on the idea that it would be the sane thing to drive blindfolded. It is pretty hard to sympathise with someone who insists on doing the outrageously stupid, and feels entitled to the rewards for this behavior. And insists on not being called on displayed stupid behavior, which led to the accident.

Pretty dang CLOSE! She does however once in a while seem to take stock in her actions and come around. She'll then come right out and apologize! but she'll keep doing the same thing.

 

I get the impression that OP does not know how to deal with her seemingly randomly motivated behavior.

EXACTLY!

Of course it is not random behavior; yet little fruitful effort seems to have been made to improve this. That points to issues on all sides in the relationship.

Please elaborate...

She says she wants to discuss matters calmly, yet insists (if OP is factual) on continuing the discussion when OP's patience is wearing thin, which he openly admitted to her; and after three hours that is not strange. I would like to suggest to anyone that they should try to listen to the same 5 remarks for an hour, and perhaps you see that when, despite all your attempts to improve the depth of conversation, you still get the same replies over and over and over and over again, you may feel just a tad frustrated.

She says she wants to work on the relationship, but does not want to put into practice any idea that OP gets from therapy, thus keeping the same dysfunctional patterns in tact. At least that is how OP perceives it. I can see that some people would get frustrated as a result of this.

You're almost too good!

Sometimes it just seems that people cannot have a healthy relationship with each other because their flaws are not compatible.

 

Definitely too good..

[MassiveAtom]

I decided to save the posting of her last reply. She said some good things and I'd like to talk with her about it before posting it here. I'll post tomorrow, maybe. First I want to have this phone conversation. Thanks for the help, AND thanks for the indictments, I appreciate both perspectives. Each help in their own way. Thanks again.

 

MA

[Guest]

What say you all?

 

boyfriend is indeed a hard ass. Cold, unfeeling communication. And I definitely saw where girlfriend got 'my way or the highway'. I'd tell girlfriend to ditch this one and try to find someone with a heart.

[dgiirl]

Sheesh, you sounded exactly like my exh. I'm so thankful I dont have that in my life anymore.

 

I am 100% agreement with Walk. I dont quite understand the purpose of your email. What were you hoping to accomplish? It sounded like you were asking her if you two were broken up, and when she replied with an "I dont know, are we?" type of email, you start ranting and raving, lecturing and belittling her. You kind of lost sight on the original purpose of emailing her and just wanted to prove you were "right". Put yourself in her shoes. How would you respond to your email? You're lucky all she said was stop being such a hard ass. I would have told you off a lot worse than that.

 

You both have some issues with this relationship, and you both are failing to communicate properly and it sounds like your solution is for her to fix her issues by herself then come back to you when she's all fixed. Unfortunately, the problem is never one sided and it's the way you BOTH communicate that is causing grief. You respond one way, she misintreprets and responds in her own way, you misintrepret and respond in your way and you get into a tit for tat war on she said he said and lose focus of the original goal.

 

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? When you see that she responds in a "snippy" manner, take a break from the argument and focus on your original goal. I assumed it was to make a peace offering? Instead you just came back and snipped back at her. What the hell is that going to accomplish except to prolong the argument?

[Walk]

My (piss poor) side chair analysis of his relationship...

 

I think his gf has insecurity issues. MA feels that these are problems only she can fix within herself. She's probably telling him it wouldn't be such an issue if he did X, Y, or Z. He's thinking, he'd do those things after she shows him she's serious about working on her part of the problem. In which case, she comes back and redefines it as "his" problem because he's not doing those things that make her feel special. He then lists off all the things he's done to show her he is. She switches the focus of the argument, either by asking a different question, or pointing out a different area she feels slighted on.. He gets frustrated because he feels like she won't just admit where the problem stems from. She's frustrated because he just doesn't "get it".

 

He ends argument after 3 hours because he's sick of talking about it. She doesn't want to drop argument because she'll feel phsyically sick the rest of the night if it isn't resolved.

 

I am definitely NOT saying I got even a lick of that right... just saying that's what I got from reading all your posts.

[MassiveAtom]

My (piss poor) side chair analysis of his relationship...

 

I think his gf has insecurity issues. MA feels that these are problems only she can fix within herself. She's probably telling him it wouldn't be such an issue if he did X, Y, or Z. He's thinking, he'd do those things after she shows him she's serious about working on her part of the problem. In which case, she comes back and redefines it as "his" problem because he's not doing those things that make her feel special. He then lists off all the things he's done to show her he is. She switches the focus of the argument, either by asking a different question, or pointing out a different area she feels slighted on.. He gets frustrated because he feels like she won't just admit where the problem stems from. She's frustrated because he just doesn't "get it".

 

He ends argument after 3 hours because he's sick of talking about it. She doesn't want to drop argument because she'll feel phsyically sick the rest of the night if it isn't resolved.

 

I am definitely NOT saying I got even a lick of that right... just saying that's what I got from reading all your posts.

 

You nailed it. Walk. Nailed it to the wall.

[MassiveAtom]

So, I just got off the phone with her. Everything seemed to be going well, albeit tense, until, an effort to comfort her was recieved as an attack on her soul. She started crying because I told her I like who I am, and nothing anyone does or says can really change that, which she took to mean I didn't like her. She then proceeded to tell me over and over that I really didn't like her at all. Over and over. Nothing I could say, not even, "Of course I like you, I wouldn't be trying so hard if I didn't. We have really good stuff together and some bad stuff, but that's what we're working on right now. I want this to work out. Why are you taking that so personally?" She kept telling me that I didn't like who she was, over and over, until, YES folks. I told her...and I quote, " I don't like this here, this stuff, I don't like this at all. What's the benefit to what we're doing? We're just arguing again. This is bullsh|t. Why do you create this? IS it some sort of wierd payoff?"

 

She screamed something which distorted and hung up the phone.

 

 

So I guess that's me being a hardass. Well, So be it.

[MassiveAtom]

Sheesh, you sounded exactly like my exh. I'm so thankful I dont have that in my life anymore.

it's good that you know what you want IN your life.

I am 100% agreement with Walk. I dont quite understand the purpose of your email. What were you hoping to accomplish? It sounded like you were asking her if you two were broken up, and when she replied with an "I dont know, are we?" type of email, you start ranting and raving, lecturing and belittling her.

hmm, maybe so. No ranting or raving, THIS IS RANTING!!! This is not.

You kind of lost sight on the original purpose of emailing her and just wanted to prove you were "right". Put yourself in her shoes. How would you respond to your email? You're lucky all she said was stop being such a hard ass. I would have told you off a lot worse than that.

I'm sure you would have dgirl. I knew exactly what I was doing. Calling her on her bad behaviors. Which she acknowledges and does nothing about. If she never speaks to me again, okay. That'll suck..but I was as honest as she ASKED me to be. Frankly I would respond to my email honestly and by answering questions directly. She always asked me to let her answer my questions the way she does. Answering a question with a question...there's a word for that.... it's common but it's something else... somebody help me out here.

You both have some issues with this relationship, and you both are failing to communicate properly and it sounds like your solution is for her to fix her issues by herself then come back to you when she's all fixed.

nah, I've told her that she can talk with me about anything, and she has, even me. but when I try to talk with her about her, she gets hurt and puts up this wall of anger.

Unfortunately, the problem is never one sided and it's the way you BOTH communicate that is causing grief. You respond one way, she misintreprets and responds in her own way, you misintrepret and respond in your way and you get into a tit for tat war on she said he said and lose focus of the original goal.

and even after I say"Okay, let's just stop and make time to remember that we're in this together" she goes right back to beating the crap outta my viewpoints and ideas.

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? When you see that she responds in a "snippy" manner, take a break from the argument and focus on your original goal. I assumed it was to make a peace offering? Instead you just came back and snipped back at her. What the hell is that going to accomplish except to prolong the argument?

You're barkin up the wrong tree, see that's MY role in the whole thing...I'm being to dammed forgiving.