Question for those who have moved on

[PoshPrincess]

Hi Guys, just wondering for those who have moved on to new relationships, when do you really stop giving a s**t about what your ex-MM thinks? I have been in a relationship with a SG for two weeks now which is going well. I'm having a great time with a lovely guy and feel like I am getting over MM at last. I don't think of him every second of the day like I used to, that's for sure. Only thing is that now and again, as I'm sure you have discovered, there are little reminders.

 

For example, yesterday was my son's birthday and my ex (son's father) and myself had taken him out for the day (our relationship is totally amicable). I bumped into a good friend and colleague of ex-MM (who also knows my son's father) and I KNOW he will mention to ex-MM that he has seen me and will probably insinuate that we are back together.

 

Why do I even care? I want it to bother him, want him to feel something, but I know I shouldn't as I have supposedly 'moved on'. It hasn't affected my feelings for SG - I am still really into him - but couldn't stop thinking about ex-MM last night and even dreamed about him. I have been tempted to contact him today (although there's no way I will!)

 

What are your thoughts on all this?

[jerseyblue29eyes]

I wish you the best, good luck to you!

[Freedom Now]

Everyone handles the break up differently. For me, I had eight months of virtually NO dating to get to the point where I don't give one rat's ass what my MM thinks. But, I had alot of anger fueling me. That helped.

 

Just be careful. It seems to me that it is such a slippery slope dating someone when feelings still exist for another man. It just seems to put the relationship at a disadvantage to start.

 

But everyone is different that way. I am the type that must be alone and "over" a man before I will venture dating again. Any other way just makes me way too vulnerable. And it isn't fair to the man I'm dating if I still care for someone else.

 

BTW, I have just started dating again. I am taking things slowly, but there is hope. The only thoughts I have now about my MM when I'm on a date is how much nicer it is being with someone who isn't running home to a wife after the date and sleeping with her. (God, to even think that I put myself through that just makes me sick.) Someone who wants ME and only ME. And there are a few of them out there who see me as quite valuable. I agree. I deserved so much more than what I had with my xMM. And the saddest thing is: I knew it all along. But the smoke and mirrors....oh well, that is the past and is staying in the past.

 

Best of luck. I wish you well. Take things one day at a time.

 

P.S. For the love of God, DON'T contact him.

[Catharsis]

I was only able to move on in earnest after digging for the truth. As soon as Ii found out that MM was not the "perfect man" he pretended to be, but rather a common serial cheater who lied to countless women, I was instantly cured. Nothing sets you free like the truth, knowing for sure that he was just lying to me and that I meant not much to him at all. Very sobering.

[puddleofmud]

I was only able to move on in earnest after digging for the truth. As soon as Ii found out that MM was not the "perfect man" he pretended to be, but rather a common serial cheater who lied to countless women, I was instantly cured. Nothing sets you free like the truth, knowing for sure that he was just lying to me and that I meant not much to him at all. Very sobering.

 

Bless you for your answer! It takes a brave person to perceive a lover in "another light". One naturally only wishes to remember the better part so that one is not in so much freaking PAIN! It is so much easier to romantize than to accept harsh reality.

I would think this would be a commonalty between the MW and OW woman: the guy in question is just not all he's cracked up to be and its may be easier to blame the other woman:

The OW often blames the wife for "not meeting his needs" and excuses his behavior;

The wife blames the OW for his betrayal and excuses his behavior.

Both may initially tend to concentrate on each other but not HIS behavior.

By doing such the MM man escapes on all counts...

I am wondering if these reactions are actually what attached men who do this kind of thing seek: do they feel more valuable when women are "fighting over them"?

I just refuse to let the ex-MM even know that I am hurting because I think he would just love that kind of a reaction, as you are correct in that I probably meant not much to him from the get go!

It is said that "happiness" is the best revenge but I think that kind of happiness means your own indifference to whatever an ex-partner would think about what you are doing, even of one has to PRETEND for awhile that is how one feels.

Best wishes to you and stand strong!

[Freedom Now]

Yep. If you can dissect the relationship and look at it objectively....there isn't a whole lot that you can take out of it that is good.

 

You have to see this man for what he truly is: a lying, cheating human being. Not worthy of neither the wife OR the OW.

 

A man who doesn't know what he wants doesn't deserve what he's got.

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks guys for your replies! FreedomNow, I totally see what you're saying with regards to it not being fair on SG if I still have feelings for ex-MM. That is kinda how I feel although SG does know the score pretty much. Anyway, even though I do have feelings for ex-MM still they aren't the same romanticised ones I had before! It's getting easier by the day.

 

The OW often blames the wife for "not meeting his needs" and excuses his behavior;

 

Must admit that's one thing I never did - blame W for the way things were. Although they were both at fault for the problems in their relationship HE was the one cheating and although I was the catalyst in this I still don't think there is any excuse for being unfaithful.

 

The wife blames the OW for his betrayal and excuses his behavior.

Both may initially tend to concentrate on each other but not HIS behavior.

 

This is probably true. Obviously I don't know what went on in my ex-MMs house but I DO know that he totally played down our R so therefore she has quite likely forgiven him for making a 'mistake'!

 

By doing such the MM man escapes on all counts...

I am wondering if these reactions are actually what attached men who do this kind of thing seek: do they feel more valuable when women are "fighting over them"?

 

I bet they do!

 

I just refuse to let the ex-MM even know that I am hurting because I think he would just love that kind of a reaction, as you are correct in that I probably meant not much to him from the get go!

It is said that "happiness" is the best revenge but I think that kind of happiness means your own indifference to whatever an ex-partner would think about what you are doing, even of one has to PRETEND for awhile that is how one feels.

 

Yep, totally agree with that. Can't wait for the day I feel indifferent towards my ex-MM rather than thinking, "I hope he finds out that I have moved on and am seeing someone else!" That's not because I think he will come running back to me but I suppose I still want to hurt him in the ways he has (albeit unintentionally) hurt me!

 

I am just SO glad I have a SG who can give me the time and affection I know I deserve. As you said, Freedom, the best thing is that they don't have a W to go home to! Now I get all the highs with none of the lows. With MM it was highs before seeing them and while you were together but terrible lows later on with the anticipation of knowing they were going to have to go home to someone else. I don't miss all that 'checking their watch' thing that's for sure! Nice to be able to phone/text someone any time of day and not have to worry that someone else might pick up their messages! Don't get all that "Hello mate, I'm a bit busy now. Can I call you later?" thing because they're at home and are trying to pretend you're one of their friends! Those are complications none of us girls need! I just wish I had valued myself more in the first place instead of getting involved with this man who, although I know wasn't a serial cheat and really did love me, was too weak to do anything about it. The last thing I want is a man with no balls!

Best wishes to you and stand strong!

[Freedom Now]

You go girl. You are doing fine.

 

Enjoy life with the SG. One day at a time.

 

The best revenge is living well....

[movinon05]

Thought I'd jump in here and add my 2 cents.

 

I had a 7 yr R with exMM that ended almost 2 yrs ago, so I think it naturally took me longer to move on. There are too many memories that coincide with things that happen on a normal day-to-day basis. Not to mention he lives nearby so I am always having to pass his street, and of course, all the songs on the radio. Those are actually the only two things left that always make me think of him anymore. But even our most favorite songs don't bother me anymore.

 

How did I get to the point of no return? Well after it ended I made up my mind to move on. I remember people telling me all the time that I would find someone who treated me better. In my mind, I knew that was very possible. My concern was that I would never love anyone the way I loved him and that's what bothered me. But I did jump right into dating. I was just determined I was going to find someone else and "show him". Probably not the best thing to do, but in hindsight, I think its what worked for me. I immediately found that it doesn't take much to meet someone who will treat you better, especially not having to worry about the things you mentioned (watching the time, sneaking around, calls from the W while you were out, etc.). The trick is to have the "connection" with that person, which is what I could not find. But I found that I took something with me from each dating R and learned a little more about myself with each guy. In fact, I think you can appreciate a guy even more for the little things he does, things you might have taken for granted before, or even "excused" the exMM for because you were so in love, it just didn't matter.

 

Of course, at first, I was afraid he would find out because I guess there was still that little bit of hope, but as time went on, I was hoping he would find out I was dating, just because I wanted to see his reaction. When you spend 7 yrs sitting around waiting, you become resentful and blame him for you wasting away. After awhile, it stopped mattering because it was more important that I was living again and starting to enjoy life. I was focusing on MY happiness. I was getting out and doing all the things he promised we would do. I was no longer missing out on life.

 

I don't think its a bad thing to start dating. If you sit around and wait until your feelings are completely gone, you will probably be pining and thinking about him with all that spare time. As long as you go into dating with a clearer head, each R you have does not have to be "the one". IMHO, dating is actually one of the things that will help you the most. Because you find you ARE enjoying yourself and you ARE living again. And you know what? That just feels too good. And it makes you realize that this is so much better than sitting around "thinking" about MM.

 

You also start to appreciate yourself more and realize "Yes, I do deserve more." And you're not willing to settle for scraps.

 

The only other thing that is going to help you is time. Time is on your side. You've only been dating two weeks.

 

So when did I stop giving a shyt what exMM thinks? I don't know if it ever really goes away yet. 99% of the time I don't care - because I'm too busy living and being happy! That 1% is probably because he still doesn't know that I am dating or that I have found someone and I am happy. His attempts 6 mo. ago (leaving me gifts on my car and on my porch, and his last message to me through a friend to tell me he still had plans for us "someday") tell me he's still in la la land. The way I look at this is - "that's his problem. Not mine."

 

So yeah, part of me would like to see his reaction, but that thought is fleeting at best. I think when you finally put your happiness first, when you open yourself up to "possibilities", and allow it to happen, is when you finally let go.

 

Your real measuring stick will be when you stop coming to LS because you're too busy living and don't want to think about the past. You only come back from time to time, like me, to see how your old friends are doing. Good luck. And have faith. You'll get there.

[PoshPrincess]

Thought I'd jump in here and add my 2 cents.

 

I had a 7 yr R with exMM that ended almost 2 yrs ago, so I think it naturally took me longer to move on. There are too many memories that coincide with things that happen on a normal day-to-day basis. Not to mention he lives nearby so I am always having to pass his street, and of course, all the songs on the radio. Those are actually the only two things left that always make me think of him anymore. But even our most favorite songs don't bother me anymore.

 

How did I get to the point of no return? Well after it ended I made up my mind to move on. I remember people telling me all the time that I would find someone who treated me better. In my mind, I knew that was very possible. My concern was that I would never love anyone the way I loved him and that's what bothered me. But I did jump right into dating. I was just determined I was going to find someone else and "show him". Probably not the best thing to do, but in hindsight, I think its what worked for me. I immediately found that it doesn't take much to meet someone who will treat you better, especially not having to worry about the things you mentioned (watching the time, sneaking around, calls from the W while you were out, etc.). The trick is to have the "connection" with that person, which is what I could not find. But I found that I took something with me from each dating R and learned a little more about myself with each guy. In fact, I think you can appreciate a guy even more for the little things he does, things you might have taken for granted before, or even "excused" the exMM for because you were so in love, it just didn't matter.

 

Of course, at first, I was afraid he would find out because I guess there was still that little bit of hope, but as time went on, I was hoping he would find out I was dating, just because I wanted to see his reaction. When you spend 7 yrs sitting around waiting, you become resentful and blame him for you wasting away. After awhile, it stopped mattering because it was more important that I was living again and starting to enjoy life. I was focusing on MY happiness. I was getting out and doing all the things he promised we would do. I was no longer missing out on life.

 

I don't think its a bad thing to start dating. If you sit around and wait until your feelings are completely gone, you will probably be pining and thinking about him with all that spare time. As long as you go into dating with a clearer head, each R you have does not have to be "the one". IMHO, dating is actually one of the things that will help you the most. Because you find you ARE enjoying yourself and you ARE living again. And you know what? That just feels too good. And it makes you realize that this is so much better than sitting around "thinking" about MM.

 

You also start to appreciate yourself more and realize "Yes, I do deserve more." And you're not willing to settle for scraps.

 

The only other thing that is going to help you is time. Time is on your side. You've only been dating two weeks.

 

So when did I stop giving a shyt what exMM thinks? I don't know if it ever really goes away yet. 99% of the time I don't care - because I'm too busy living and being happy! That 1% is probably because he still doesn't know that I am dating or that I have found someone and I am happy. His attempts 6 mo. ago (leaving me gifts on my car and on my porch, and his last message to me through a friend to tell me he still had plans for us "someday") tell me he's still in la la land. The way I look at this is - "that's his problem. Not mine."

 

So yeah, part of me would like to see his reaction, but that thought is fleeting at best. I think when you finally put your happiness first, when you open yourself up to "possibilities", and allow it to happen, is when you finally let go.

 

Your real measuring stick will be when you stop coming to LS because you're too busy living and don't want to think about the past. You only come back from time to time, like me, to see how your old friends are doing. Good luck. And have faith. You'll get there.

 

Thanks MovingOn, real words of wisdom and experience there!

 

That's the one thing I'm scared of - of not meeting someone that I will have the same feelings for that I did for MM. It took me 34 years to find someone who I truly loved more than anything I've ever felt before, who I clicked with and who totally 'did it' for me and someone who I really could see myself spending the rest of my life with. No one had ever made me feel special in that way before. Now with SG he actually DOES make me feel special. No, I don't feel about HIM the way I did about MM but, as you say, it's early days, and I can think positively now in that if he isn't the one, if things don't work out between us, it doesn't matter; there WILL be someone out there for me. I'm not scared of getting hurt anymore because I know I couldn't possibly ever feel as bad as I did a few months ago. I won't allow myself to be put in that position again.

 

I didn't consciously look to date anyone after MM - I thought it was the last thing I wanted - but SG and I got on really well and I decided it beat sitting in moping and, honestly, it really has helped! He was going through a 'down' time too so we've helped each other. And at least with him I'm top of his list of priorities rather than bottom!