Amour77 Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 Hello, I have been dating a girl for a bout a month now and we have already spent quite a lot of time together. She seemed to like me quite a lot, wanted me to look after her and told me she was falling for me. However, over the last couple of days, she has started to tell me that she wanted some space. She says she still wants to see me, but she says she is feeling pressured and has a lot to think about at the moment (new job, etc....) I also suspect she is a bit depressed... Is needing space a sign she wants out of the relationship? Thanks for your input.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 People generally ask for 'space' when they are ready to fill it with someone else. You'll have to be very clear about one thing: she wanted space, so give her some cold hard space. Give it back twice what she hands you. She asks for space, hand her double space of your own. With her request for space comes a choice: 1. She either resolves her issues and gets you as a boyfriend (where she gets benefits), 2. loses you completely, or ... 3. she gets you as a 'strictly' friend (where she is cut off from all but the most meager of benefits). You can either go to complete no contact (hardcore) and move on and clear your head and heart of her, or go with limited contact (softcore). If you still want contact with her, it has to be very limited: she is still allowed to talk to you/see you but ONLY as a friend. She gets nothing that would normally be reserved for a girlfriend. No physical contact, no prolonged phone calls, no relationship talk, nada. If she hits you with complaints of her mental state, suggest a counselor/therapist and change the subject. You don't need to be her emotional tampon. She gets treated like any male friend. Remember: she wanted space, and you are giving it to her just like she asked. Forcing it upon her, in fact. She won't like it, but it will get her to really consider what it is she wants and make a decision. Either way you choose, she will be forced to make up her mind one way or the other. If she wants to be with you, she will be. She'll do whatever it takes to get things back to the way they were. If she doesn't want to be with you, then she'll simply move on herself.
laRubiaBonita Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 People generally ask for 'space' when they are ready to fill it with someone else. You'll have to be very clear about one thing: she wanted space, so give her some cold hard space. Give it back twice what she hands you. She asks for space, hand her double space of your own. With her request for space comes a choice: 1. She either resolves her issues and gets you as a boyfriend (where she gets benefits), 2. loses you completely, or ... 3. she gets you as a 'strictly' friend (where she is cut off from all but the most meager of benefits). You can either go to complete no contact (hardcore) and move on and clear your head and heart of her, or go with limited contact (softcore). If you still want contact with her, it has to be very limited: she is still allowed to talk to you/see you but ONLY as a friend. She gets nothing that would normally be reserved for a girlfriend. No physical contact, no prolonged phone calls, no relationship talk, nada. If she hits you with complaints of her mental state, suggest a counselor/therapist and change the subject. You don't need to be her emotional tampon. She gets treated like any male friend. Remember: she wanted space, and you are giving it to her just like she asked. Forcing it upon her, in fact. She won't like it, but it will get her to really consider what it is she wants and make a decision. Either way you choose, she will be forced to make up her mind one way or the other. If she wants to be with you, she will be. She'll do whatever it takes to get things back to the way they were. If she doesn't want to be with you, then she'll simply move on herself. listen to LB.....she is all THAT And a bag of chips!
Guest Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 People generally ask for 'space' when they are ready to fill it with someone else. You'll have to be very clear about one thing: she wanted space, so give her some cold hard space. Give it back twice what she hands you. She asks for space, hand her double space of your own. With her request for space comes a choice: 1. She either resolves her issues and gets you as a boyfriend (where she gets benefits), 2. loses you completely, or ... 3. she gets you as a 'strictly' friend (where she is cut off from all but the most meager of benefits). You can either go to complete no contact (hardcore) and move on and clear your head and heart of her, or go with limited contact (softcore). If you still want contact with her, it has to be very limited: she is still allowed to talk to you/see you but ONLY as a friend. She gets nothing that would normally be reserved for a girlfriend. No physical contact, no prolonged phone calls, no relationship talk, nada. If she hits you with complaints of her mental state, suggest a counselor/therapist and change the subject. You don't need to be her emotional tampon. She gets treated like any male friend. Remember: she wanted space, and you are giving it to her just like she asked. Forcing it upon her, in fact. She won't like it, but it will get her to really consider what it is she wants and make a decision. Either way you choose, she will be forced to make up her mind one way or the other. If she wants to be with you, she will be. She'll do whatever it takes to get things back to the way they were. If she doesn't want to be with you, then she'll simply move on herself. This is one of the BEST advices I have ever seen in my life. I could use this one too (I am not the original poster). Thanks a bunch LB, you clearly have a huge experience in dealing with people
Author Amour77 Posted November 21, 2006 Author Posted November 21, 2006 Thank you for the advice. NC here we go again.....
Trialbyfire Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 To add to LB's excellent post, I wouldn't even give her the benefit of a friendship, more like a distant no-contact acquaintance. This way, she can't wean off you. Complete cold turkey.
Sand&Water Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 RE: Do No Contact, for a few months, like everyone pointed out. Yet, don't impose a harsh sentence. In other words, don't be bluntly cruel and egoistic towards her. Do show a light veil of gratitude. Respect her, and the decision she has made. Cold turkey is not right. Be a simple friend, but nothing more. Just give her the distance she needs. Last but not least, don't make her feel worthless in choosing not to continue with you. Sand&Water
Author Amour77 Posted November 21, 2006 Author Posted November 21, 2006 Sand and Water, I cannot wait for months of no contact.... In life, you need to know what you want. I can wait for one week, two maybe, but after that, I am not gonna waste my time with someone who do not know what they want. I have only known her for a month and she is not that perfect. I have treated her like a queen, because that is who I am and because I do like her, but if she has doubts or is not interested, she probably has a good reason for it, and there is nothing I can do against that. I am after a serious, long term relationship, and what is happening now with her is already bringing up red alert flags everywhere! It is far from being a good start, isn't it? It is a paradoxical situation because less than a week ago, she was asking me around almost everyday, or if I did not reply to her texts or was being a bit distant, she was moaning about it. Now she wants space! Well.... she is going to get some!
Author Amour77 Posted November 21, 2006 Author Posted November 21, 2006 She texted me a while ago asking me if I had had a good day. I took about an hour to reply and I said I had a very good day, and asked about hers. She got back to me straight away (in the following 30 seconds) saying she had a smashing day (at work?) and was out in a bar watching sports.... What is she playing at? How could she possibly hear the message in a bar when it is all noisy, etc..., and why would she bother replying when she is meant to have fun and not think about me? I don't get that! It does not make sense!
Guest Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 She texted me a while ago asking me if I had had a good day. I took about an hour to reply and I said I had a very good day, and asked about hers. She got back to me straight away (in the following 30 seconds) saying she had a smashing day (at work?) and was out in a bar watching sports.... What is she playing at? How could she possibly hear the message in a bar when it is all noisy, etc..., and why would she bother replying when she is meant to have fun and not think about me? I don't get that! It does not make sense! I don't know what other people think, but I honestly think she wants to get back to you but her pride prevents her from admitting it.
Rooster_DAR Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 She texted me a while ago asking me if I had had a good day. I took about an hour to reply and I said I had a very good day, and asked about hers. She got back to me straight away (in the following 30 seconds) saying she had a smashing day (at work?) and was out in a bar watching sports.... What is she playing at? How could she possibly hear the message in a bar when it is all noisy, etc..., and why would she bother replying when she is meant to have fun and not think about me? I don't get that! It does not make sense! This is what happens when two people disconnect. It could be a lot of things, but more than likely is that it's now turned into a game of "The Weakest Link". I"m going through that right now, and it's so **cking inmature. Could also be she is leading you on in hopes to feed her some attention, but who knows. Cheers!
Author Amour77 Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 After that message that I ignored, she sent me another one asking why my day had been so good. I did not reply straight away and she sent me another one saying "ah well, nevermind then". I eventually replied (I was busy) and we exchanged a few texts. I then received a private call (the number was withhold) but I am sure it was her (I am not so popular to have a phone call late at night). Nobody spoke. After a last text from her and me asking her how she got during the day, I cut the exchange short and I wished her good night. She got back to me in the morning kinda apologising "must have fallen asleep" Unbelievable! She wants space but she is giving me an anonymous phone call and stuff.... What is she on about?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 .... What is she on about? Keeping you on the back burner.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Keeping you on the hook while she gets to enjoy her "space". If things don't work out for her (ie - she has trouble landing a new guy), she'll have a fall back guy. Best to keep yourself off that back burner! No one likes to be the default.
Author Amour77 Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 Oh yes, I agree I don't want to be there just to pick up the pieces. It has to be all or nothing at all! I don't know if she is after a new guy to tell the truth. I am sure she was lying last night when she said she was out, I am sure she was in, just a feeling. After I said that I had a very good day, she wanted to pretend it was the same for her. The word "smashing" was a bit too strong to be genuine! Then, she asked again what was so good about my day, which shows again it annoyed her. Then, why would she give an anonymous call and not speak? That is a bit weird, isn't it? If she just wants to keep me hooked, she could speak to me openly, no? It just seems she does not know what she wants. I would like to see if she would be willing to go on a date and break this stupid LC business. I just want her to know that I like her and that I want to be with her. I hate playing games!
Author Amour77 Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 I am willing to give her the space she wants, but she keeps texting me, moan if I don't reply or if I seem to be happy. How am I supposed to give her space? What am I supposed to do? Get back to her texts, text her myself from time to time....? Act as if everything was normal....? Totally ignore her?
Author Amour77 Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Well.... She is still keeping in touch. However, because my replies to her texts are short, she is now getting upset. She came up, out of the blue, with a "I don't think we are on the same wavelength at the moment, I don't think I am what you want or what you need". I got back back to her asking her how she knows what I want or need, and she replied that relationship stuff is confusing, she is not feeling great about things etc.... I asked her then to stop texting each other and talk face to face indeed... which we have planned to do. It will probably be to definitely break up !
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