She contacted her ex. bad thing?

[higherground5]

So I've been dating this girl for about 4 months, and we've been together for about 2 months. I recently went to a get-together with my girl and a few of her friends she hasn't hung out with in a while. Well, seeing she hasn't seen one of her friends in a while, they caught up for a good part of the night, which is great. However, her friend keeps in touch with my gf's previous boyfriend, and she mentioned that he had recently been really sick (I kind of over heard them talking about it in another room). So later in the night we came back to my place and my girl passed out. I noticed that she received a text, so I checked it out, and it was from her ex. Interesting. Then, I checked out her sent messages, and apparently she sent him over a text asking if he was alright from being sick. So now I am completely confused. what do I make of this? She claimed before she was over him and she doesn't have any emotional attachment, AND this is a girl who just recently proclaimed her love to me, and she goes out and contacts her ex? Am I being a fool her or what? I'm not sure what her motives are.

 

Can someone please help me out?

 

Thank you,

Forbon

[ddnnee]

its a trend on this board to avoid people who have not completely resolved their past relationships. this ex may come back into the picture and you will be pushed out. if i were you, i would back off because the girl has unfinished business.

[WhiteKnight]

Well I have been facing a similiar situation as well Colforbin5, but taking it from experience and the advice of others supporting me.

 

The trouble is though with me, I can't trust my ex-girlfriends, in fact I trust none of them now because of what I had exprienced in my life.

 

However, I'll try and give you some advice for this situation.

 

I would most likely let your girlfriend stay in touch with her ex-boyfriend, sounds like to me she really wants to have a good friend around in her life and her ex-boyfriend, must also be willing to be a good friend of hers as well. As long that both sides have agreed to remain as good friends or close friends then that's great and all.

 

However the trouble with 'close friends', especially their ex-partners. You would be always weary of the fact that your girlfriend may betray you. I think just from reading your situation that, you have every right to be how shall I say... worried but at the same time concerned about your partner's trust in you and your trust and belief in her loyalties and reasons for this.

 

Try not to confront your girlfriend in any way or form of jealousy in between the lines. Don't show that you don't care about her, show her truly that you love her.

 

At the same time try to be supportive of her in trying to sort things out with her ex-boyfriend but always listen to her first, let HER make the first move to talk to you about it. Act like an Advisor to her, try not to force a decision but reason it out with her calmly that if a friendship is not possible with her ex, then she should not be worried as she has you.

 

I have been through this on both sides or it, I was in a relationship once and my ex-fiancee now wants me to be her friend. Yes I admit, the past I had nearly destroyed my life and career but I chose not to forget how she truly betrayed and hurt me, and how I betrayed her in the end was also something that I hope she will respect me in the end for trying to save her marriage.

 

Anyways, whenever two ex's want to sort things out between them, let them try and solve it diplomatically. Maybe they just want to heal the wounds of the past, and I would not object to them trying to patch things up slowly and heal all the damaged caused. In order to make a new friendship.

 

I will admit I'm going through with that at the moment and things are slowly improving but yes, the emotions and tension are still always there. That is always to be expected, there are many times that my ex wants to get back to me closer despite the certain restriction that we both have, however in time anything can happen and things can improve.

 

Hence with your situation, try to see how things go between your girlfriend and her ex, if things don't improve between them and she turns to you for support. Provide that support.

 

My only advice when I had my partner expressed that she is finding it hard and wants to fix it. I was supportive and give her enough time over on the net to try and sort things out in the past week or so. And yea, does pay for things to work out over in time. Always be cautious and suspcious of your partner's move but try not to draw yourself to the long conclusion.

[higherground5]

Thank you for the feedback. So last night I came out and asked her about it. Coincidentally, I had one of my ex girlfriends contact me last week, so I brought this up to her. I asked her "what do you think of contacting your ex's? and do you think that would hurt the relationship if that contact was initiated?". She started questioning whether or not I'm asking for her permission to talk to my ex. However, I brought it up to show her that I don't want to respond, which is kind of my way of telling her how attracted I am to her, and that something like this wouldnt phase me. Unfortunately, at first, she took it the wrong way, but I reassured her this wasn't the case. Also, I asked if she contacts her ex, which she claimed that she didnt and doesnt want to whatsoever (so maybe I heard wrong?), or she could be telling me that so she wouldnt hurt my feelings. So I kind of said that I just feel like she's hiding something from me...and that she may be lying. This, of course, didn't have the best reaction, but she assured me she didn't want to touch base with him and that she loves me and wants this to work. Regardless, I have to trust her, but I have a hard time doing this because of previous relationships.

 

So this concluded to make her sad, and she started questioning whether or not I'm ready for a relationship. I told her that I'm so ready for the relationship, but I'm just terrified because this is too good to be true, and I don't want to lose her. Anyway, so I guess my question is this...am i pushing her away when I bring up instances like this? What can I do to make situations like this better? If she loves me, do you think she will start questioning the relationship because I'm starting to have trust issues?

 

Someone please help...

[WhiteKnight]

Hmmmm *thinks*

 

Well first of all she would start to feel having second thoughts about in the relationship, that is, what your motives are and at the same time she would be wondering if you are a caring and loving person that she wanted to be (this now all forms into the Trust barrier).

 

Perhaps she did not raise the issue at first like, "Can I be friends with my ex-girlfriend/boyfriend because I'm trying to sort things out?"

 

Well I think usually when you get suspicious that she would be hiding something, like feelings or how bad she felt about the whole situation on talking and spending more time with her ex-partner.

 

I'll be very honest, when my ex-fiancee was spending more time with me than her husband. We are still close yes, but there is a hostality between myself and the husband more likely cause I was told not to talk to his wife anymore. He may be under the suspicion that I did get involved with her, but I even do doubt that my ex-partner would have told the husband the truth. However that kind of situation is still rather delicate at the moment.

 

With your situation however, you may have pushed her a little. As in you raised your concerns but she reacted 'defensively' against you and probably protecting her ex-partner as well. Try not to push it any further, if you act like you suspect something, just observe her first before making any assumptions. Once you see your girlfriend has acted weirdly, go and talk to her friends or someone who is in the middle and knows more about you two.

 

Find out more information before bringing yourself to the wrong conclusion, you may even run the risk of your partner caughting you doing it in the act of trying to find out more about her and what's she hiding. But I suggest you keep yourself very low key profie for now.

 

To improve or make things better betweeen yourself and your girlfriend I would suggest it in a couple of ways.

• Be supportive of her and reassure her that you don't mind her being friends with her ex-boyfriend and explain that you may have felt some jealousy and thinking you were going to lose her. Reassure her from time to time with surprising gifts (chocolate, wine, champagne or flowers), good night out dinners and spend more time to be with her. Try not to force the "You must come with me" sort of approach, look at approaching it nice and easy. No rushing.
  
• Another method is that you don't talk about your ex-girlfriends at all. It would be better off that you didn't spoke of her ex or yours as well. There is nothing wrong with being friends with your ex but there will always be the issue of 'loyalty and trust' between each other. You would need to build up on that, talk about anything except your or her ex. Once you have distracted her mind from that, you are showing to her that you truly love and care for her no matter what.

Honestly she should forget about her ex-boyfriend and let him move on. If she has feelings for the guy more than you do, then she needs to seriously rethink about why she got involved with you in the first place. The bottom line is that she chose to move on and 'ditch' the past if you will. In order for her to move on, you are the only person that stands in between of supporting her and making her feel right with Mr Right.

 

Those are my thoughts...

[Mrs. Emo]

I asked if she contacts her ex, which she claimed that she didnt and doesnt want to whatsoever (so maybe I heard wrong?), or she could be telling me that so she wouldnt hurt my feelings. So I kind of said that I just feel like she's hiding something from me...and that she may be lying. This, of course, didn't have the best reaction, but she assured me she didn't want to touch base with him

 

First, what does "(so maybe I heard wrong)" mean? I think the way you brought up the subject was very smooth and it gave her the opportunity to come clean to you, but she didn't.

 

she assured me she didn't want to touch base with him and that she loves me and wants this to work. Regardless, I have to trust her, but I have a hard time doing this because of previous relationships.

 

How can you trust her if she lyed to you about the contact she made with her ex? You did say she sent him a text asking about his health, right?

When I was reading your first post, I was thinking it was probably quite innocent on her part, but still needed to be addressed. When I read that you set up an opportunity for her to tell you about it and she didn't and went on to tell you she would not want to contact him and hadn't done so, that sent up a red flag.

 

If I were you, I would feel the need to be more direct and tell her I know she contacted him, and I want to know why she felt the need to lie to me about it.