Not sure if leaving is the right option ??

[ladibird]

I have been with my husband five years, married 3. We have been through so much berievement together infact something in the first three years together. We focused on having a baby and had loads of problems, It became an obsession. We now have a lovely 11 month old boy. I feel we have been through so much over the years we have been together that our relationship was forgotten. I think if we hadn't of been so obsessed with having a baby our realationship would have run it's course.

I love my husband loads but I think of him more as a very best friend and no longer have any attraction for him or want to have sex. I strayed not that long ago but it's really not like me and I promised myself if I ever thought I was going to be unfaithful I would end my marraige because I'm obviously not happy.

Everyday i'm thinking of what to do i'm so confused but I don't want to spend my life in something I shoudn't as alot of people do. I'm only thirty. I have spoken to my husband about it and he's really scared of me leaving him. I don't want to be with him cos I feel sorry for him or because we have a child but it's so hard i do love him, and even harder for him.

I have said we'll work at it but I can't help the way I feel..(help advise please)!!!

[jmargel]

I'm not going to rip into you on what cheating does to a marriage, I think you are slowly finding that out yourself. You two DEFINETLY need marriage counseling, you have nothing to lose by going to it.

 

However it seems like you are trying to give excuses on why you cheated and why you should leave. Don't you think he's going through the same scenario as you?

 

Often husbands feel neglected when a baby is brought in, since all the attention is given to the little one. It's all about communication and it sounds like that has diminished over the years. Get too comfortable with someone and take them for granted is usually what happens.

 

Have you told your husband about the cheating? This is something he needs to know about. If this third party is still involved your marriage will never work. All contact needs to be broken there.

 

Divorce in this scenario seems to be the easy way out, which IMO you two have not reached that point. Way too many options are still out there to try before leaving him.

[ladibird]

The third party isn't involved it was a couple of times that shoudn't have happened. I have felt like this for ages I'm not into councilling really. I just talk to friends who usually give good advice. I could never have the heart to tell him it would devastate him. I am not in a rush to end things I need to make sure I don't just think the grass is greener but I'm also not willing to go through life cellibut either, I some times wish he was a bit more horrid to me it would make it alot easier (silly I Know) I not wanting to end things so I can meet someone else, I think he deserves better than me. thanks for your reply any more advise let me know...

[dgiirl]

Why are you not "into" counselling? Trust me, your situation is not going to automagically fix itself all on it's own. You have to put effort in making changes for things to change, especially for the good.

 

A lot of people go through what you are going through. They spend a few years with someone and stopped putting effort into the relationship. Of course the relationship will suffer and you will feel disconnected. But what will you do differently the next time around in your next relationship? Will you continue doing the same thing, just going with the flow, and after a few years with that new person, feel no passion and leave again? What kind of life is that, bouncing from partner to partner when things get tough? I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with your situation and you should remain. I'm saying you need to take responsibility for your situation and do the things that will fix it. And the first step is to go into counselling. Trust me, if you are not satisfied in this relationship, i'll bet you anything your partner is feeling the same. You cannot satisfy someone else when you're not satisfied yourself.

[Guest]

I know this made sound harsh...but I think that you are being completely selfish. You are only concerned about your happiness. You need to think of your innocent child and the man you once were in love with. You made a commitment to this man and you need to honor it. People fall in and out of love. Marriage is hard work and it takes two willing participants to make it work. If you give 100%, try counseling...you may be pleasantly surprised!!!

 

Isn't it worth it to try that out...before you destroy so many lives becasue you don't "feel like" working it out. You at least owe yourself, your child and your spouse that. Try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. I think your thoughts are clouded right now by the excitement of a new relationship. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. It's much easier to fix the relationship you are in than it is to start a new one. Think about it.

[Due South]

Hi Ladibird,

 

I know what you mean about not being into counselling. I'm also like that but it's coming to the point in my relationship where I think it would be a good thing to get a professional unbiased opinion.

 

My sister has been through counselling with her hubby a lot recently. She was reeeaaalllly anti counselling too but went through with it and reckons it was the best thing she's ever done. If not for the marriage - for validating her own self worth.

 

As I said before, I'm also not into it but would do anything to keep my marriage together. My husband on the other hand will not entertain the idea for one second. You know what? You're a lucky woman to have a husband who sounds like he would try *anything* to keep you guys together.

 

Good luck and give him a chance. You gotta believe in the institute of marriage and it sounds like you have a good man.

[jmargel]

I love my husband loads but I think of him more as a very best friend and no longer have any attraction for him or want to have sex.

 

I have felt like this for ages I'm not into councilling really.

 

I'm kinda confused. So you love him loads, yet you don't want to consider counseling even though infelidity has occured.

 

I guess you want a way out of the marriage so that you don't feel guilt? Sorry, but you won't get suggestions for that here, nor I don't think there is an answer to that.

 

Is it that you want the 'spark' back? If that's the case, every marriage goes through that. Once you know everything about the person you are with, the excitement, the challenge, the newness does wear off. However even if you go with someone else, eventually you'll hit that area with them as well.

 

As communication breaks down so does the 'in love' feeling that you probably once had. Trust me, if you get that communication back things that you thought were gone might actually come back. However though, that can only be done by good counseling. They show you 'how' to communicate with each other.

 

When is the last time you two went out on a date together? Did something fun? It seems like you were just co-existing with him and did not tell him what was troubling you.

 

Also, in regards to yourself. Do you feel depressed, stressed, etc?

[ladibird]

I do feel low about the situation but I don't see how councilling will make me fancy my husband again, I flinch at the thought of anything physical. And as for loving him loads I do but just not the way I should. I do feel like I want to start going out more which won't help the situation. I'm a bit scared of going to counciling incase they make me feel like I should be salvaging it when I might not really want to. I know I probably sound selfish and stupid but i'm not going to do any thing irrational. I would never get stuck in a rut with someone again that is not what I want from life and I don't believe any one should life is what you make it. I have learned so much and probably changed alot as well....Thanks....

[Due South]

And as for loving him loads I do but just not the way I should.

 

 

In that case, I'm sorry hun, but I think you owe him some counselling at least.

 

You could agree to living separately under the same roof but still agree to counselling. Scratch both backs.

 

You never know where it may lead. And if you don't? Then there may just come a day where you regret not having at least TRIED it.

[ladibird]

Hi Due South

Thanks for your reply, I am willing to give councilling a try, I mentioned it last night and he was very shocked, he never thought the situation was so bad, although I told him not so long ago, I didn't want sex with him and loved him as a best friend (harsh I know) but I needed to be honest, so many people go through life putting a fake smile on I've seen it done.

He is a great bloke but to be completley honest i can't get this other man who I cheated with out my head. (I wouldn't mind but I probably wouldn't have normally gone for him in normal circumstances, that was just mean't to be fun but we both knocked it on the head cos it started to become more and he was also married) How do I get passed that... and sort things out when he has no idea about it and I have no intention of telling him ever.

The other man is out the window in that way but I would never have gone there if I was happy. I feel like I need to be on my own for a while and sort my head out see if thats what I really want, but my H does not believe in having a break he thinks if that happens it's over.

so confused we have been through so much over the years I feel like all the bad stuff we've been through covered over our relationship and if i'm honest I have probably felt like this longer than I initially thought...

[jmargel]

This is exactly what happens when communication breaks down..

 

Just like your husband mentioned:

 

I mentioned it last night and he was very shocked, he never thought the situation was so bad

 

How can you fix something when you believe it's not broken?

 

You let everything build upto a point where it all blew up. Then you give excuses on why you cheated.

 

This is *your* fault for not communicating with him directly. MC will help you fix that part of the relationship. You then use this new tool you acquired to see if you can fix the rest of your marriage.

[ladibird]

How do I get this OM out my head, Although nothing is happening with him now I am still in contact with him and it is making it harder for me to sort things out with H but i would like to keep him as friend, can I? My head is confused. Without telling him about OM he will never fully understand. But I know that I could never tell him that would be worse than just leaving him cos I'm not in love with him anymore.

I am going to try MC..

I did think i'd been as honest as possible with H so I was suprised when he was shocked.

What more did I need to say...?

[Antha]

How do I get this OM out my head, Although nothing is happening with him now I am still in contact with him and it is making it harder for me to sort things out with H but i would like to keep him as friend, can I?

 

No, you cannot still be his friend. The reason you can't get him out of your head is because you are in contact with him. Stop the contact, the sooner he will dissapate from your mind.

 

I was once told: "Everyone is responsible for themselves and their own actions" by a teacher. It sounds like you are trying to make excuses for your behavior (the cheating). You cannot justify a bad decision as someone else's fault. This was YOUR decision, and therefore your fault.

 

I am not saying that your h is completely blameless, but that is the way it is reading on the screen. This all sounds like you are trying to make what you did okay and assuage your guilt over the betrayal you have dealt him.

 

Did you cheat because things got stale in your marriage...or because you became attracted to another person? Either way, you are responsible for your own actions. If you want it to work with your h or think there's hope, then stop ALL CONTACT with this other man, who is married as well, right? If you don't see a future with your h, go to the marital counseling with him anyway. Don't just drop a bomb on him and run away, leaving him to deal with emotional devastation. Communicate with him about the situation and be clear about you want. I also think that whether you plan to be with him or not, he DESERVES the truth.

 

Antha

[ladibird]

Hi Antha

Thanks for your honesty, I know deep down I should lose contact with OM, I was just on such a high for a few week it's like i'm on the downer that comes after a high. We met a few times and it finished a week last sunday, so it's all pretty fresh.

I know H deserves the truth but I know I will never tell him ( I have to be Honest I won't) why hurt someone even more when they never need to know..

I am going to look into the MC, hopefully one way or another it will sort it's self out...

I met the OM on a girls week end away nothing happened then but cos he lived near me I gave him my number cos we got on really well.

A few days later thats when it started just texts at first untill I finally met him again two weeks later. We met 3 times but was texting loads, the third time was just a drink not even about sex, untill he couldn't do it anymore cos he liked me to much and it was wrong. I on other hand wanted to carry on with the rush I was having (very wrong I know) I don't think i'd ever felt this excitement and cos I really liked him when he told me how he felt I liked it but he didn't as he doesn't have problems at home & he wasn't going to rock the boat (and very right as well) he finished it straight away his texts went blunt and truth be it, it did my head in.

Now i'm looking for answers, I have always slated cheats & now i'm one.

I would say I cheated a bit for the excitement and mostly cos my marraige is stale. Sex hasn't been good for a long time, what do you do when you want it with other people but not your husband.

[dgiirl]

Although nothing is happening with him now I am still in contact with him and it is making it harder for me to sort things out with H but i would like to keep him as friend, can I?

 

Nope. Because your feelings for this guy is not on a friendship level. You're infatuated with him. You're attracted to him. Even if nothing ever happens between the two of you, you'll never have just friendship feelings towards him. You have to go into complete no contact with him. And until you do, your marriage will never have a chance to get better.

 

The new guy has brought back those butterfly feelings and this is why you are confused. You are mistaken those butterfly feelings as love instead of infatuation. And with your marriage, you have a solid relationship with your husband, a real close bond with him, true love, and thus why you love him like a "brother". If you could get those butterfly feelings from your husband would you be happy? Would you remain in your marriage? You are completely in control of your thoughts and feelings, and you can change the way you feel about something by changing the way you look at it. If you feel brotherly feelings towards your husband its because you _think_ of him as a brother. If you want passion in your marriage, then think of passionate thoughts towards your husband. Do passionate things for him and with him and get him involved. I'm sure when you and your husband first started dating, you didnt see him as a brother. So what changed?

 

Stop ALL contact with this other man. Enroll in some counselling, joint or separate. And start thinking of ways to bring passion into your relationship. One of the best ways to feeling sexual towards someone is doing things for them to think of you as sexual being. If you turn your husband on, you might start feeling turned on yourself. Get dressed up and take your husband out on a date. Look at him with new eyes and you might rekindle what's been lacking in your marriage, your attention.

[Antha]

what do you do when you want it with other people but not your husband.

 

Have him dress up as someone else. Just kidding; sort of. An idea for spice is to meet him at an agreed upon place, but as different people. Basically, roleplaying that you are someone else (as is he) and having a "first date". It might be a little touchy in your situation though. Did you tell him you think of him as a brother? This idea might hurt his feelings if he thinks you want him to be someone else, rather than just innocent "spicing it up". If he's into the idea, buy a wig and wear clothes you'd never wear. Have the two of you think of a "persona" to adopt when playing this game, or perhaps have each other "pick" who they'd like to go out with that nice (a fictional person)...a fireman, a policeman, a redhead, etc. It's just one way of living out some fantasies that would be fun and create something intimately shared between the two of you.

 

Definitely do the counseling. For ideas on how to spice up your marriage, the Internet is a VERY good resource. If I was harsh with you at all, I am sorry; I might have been projecting my own situation on yours (h cheated on me; still denies it and all I want is the truth from his mouth; he still thinks he is "protecting me" from info that I already know. I just want him to be honest and stop with all the "lying to protect me" BS). Telling him is your call; if you think more harm than good will come of it, so be it.

 

Try to find a way to revive some butterflies (re: dgiirl). Don't take him for granted; don't throw away something truly meaningful because things got a bit stale. It can be REVIVED. I'm definitely not the voice of authority on anything, but if the two of you truly love and care about each other, it's worth making it work, making this period in your life "the bad time that almost ended us but instead made us stronger as a couple. Fight the urge to just throw in the towel. You sound like you have a good man who loves you. Appreciate what you have.

 

Antha

[PWSX3]

Now i'm looking for answers, I have always slated cheats & now i'm one.

I would say I cheated a bit for the excitement and mostly cos my marraige is stale. Sex hasn't been good for a long time, what do you do when you want it with other people but not your husband.

 

I also cheated on my W and after looking back I really feel most people do it because of what you said. You are at work, the guy/girl says something nice to you like you look nice today. This is something your H/W hasn't done in a while and you get interested. This happens a few more times then you start liking him/her because they are talking your love language and paying attention to you.

 

Then I feel you turn into a person that is like an alcoholic and you start feeling you need that rush from that person and you start forgetting about your spouse when you should be talking and working on your relationship but this is so much easier with this other person because they are saying all the right things.

Then like an alcoholic you go past your bounderies and it becomes an addition that you can't stop. I bet there were times you said you shouldn't be doing this but you still do it, I know I did many of times but it's that addiction to someone paying attention to you.

 

I really feel if you start MC and you start communicating with your H you will find out that your attraction will come back and you will want to have sex with them.

Plan dates just the two of you like when you first met, do something you know he would like but maybe it's not your favorite.

The past is over and you can only learn from it and you realize what you did was wrong but use that to better yourself and your marriage.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!