herenow Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 First, thank you everyone that answered my other thread. You have all been very helpful. I did talk to my H over the weekend about the OW. I asked him how he felt about the fact that the OW was hurt by their affair. He said "I have no feelings about her at all". He told me that he has a hard time feeling compassion for her because she has no compassion for me. He said that I was the one he broke promises to, lied to and deceived. And I was the only one that he needs to make amends to. When he spoke to the OW after I found out, he told her how hurt I was and how sorry he was that he had done this. She ignored any reference to my pain and focus only on her own. She begged him to lie to me so that they could continue their affair (I actually heard her say this on a voice mail). She said that they could continue to have the affair and gave him ideas of how they could be more careful. He said that she didn't think their affair was wrong. In all of our discussions, he has never put any blame on her. He has always said that he created the situation and he is to blame for the hurt he has caused me. I saw that as protecting her and that bothered me. Now that I have spoken to him, I understand that he is not protecting her, but he is owning up to his mistakes and truly has no feelings for her good, or bad. He did say that he hopes she is able to find happiness, but that she was well aware of what she was doing and he is not responsible for anyones pain but mine. I don't know if any of this helps anyone, but thanks again for the help you gave me.
noforgiveness Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 It sounds like you two are really doing great communicating.
NoIDidn't Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 herenow, that was great. My H said something similar. The thing is, when the A is over, the H usually wants to make things right with the person he hurt the most. Its unfortunate, or not (depending on who your audience is), but he really owes nothing to the OW - unless he lied about being M (that's different). Doesn't sound like you focused on her at all. And he was right. Once the selfishness of the A is removed, its easy to see the lack of compassion that an OW does have towards the W. Some think that's the man's way of lying his way back into the W's good graces. Could be, but I don't think so. When he spoke to the OW after I found out, he told her how hurt I was and how sorry he was that he had done this. She ignored any reference to my pain and focus only on her own. My H co-worker said and did the exact same things. I am sure that when the fog lifts for her, she will begin to feel some remorse - not much. She still blames my H, when she could have said "no" herself the entire time. I am so glad to hear that it went well.
yousaveme Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Sounds like you both had a great talk, and are on the right track on working things out. Good for you... This post actaully answered some questions for me. And made me relieze somethings along with some other things that came into light today. Thank you
lovernotafighter Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 I believe your husband is being truthful.. I am glad to hear he's opening up to you and being honest in answering your questions. I hope your truly on the road to recovery.
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