Scared about meeting to interchange our stuff

[MagnoliaJane]

My ex just called me this morning. At work! True I have disconnected my cell phone because after he dumped me for the second time 3 months ago and I went to hell and back in my head I didn't want to wait for his calls anymore. But it's a Monday morning and it hit me hard in the face. I am still so not over him and during these past 3 months I have crawled into my own little world and thrown myself at work. I may look alright, but am not inside. A month ago I asked him for my stuff back, and now he is finally taking some action.

 

So the phone call was smooth at first, and he was friendly, and so was I, but then I could feel the tension starting to build up in my body. I honestly don't know very well how to handle this. He offered to bring me my things tomorrow after 5 pm (down in my office). I answered: you never wanted to come down to my office before (he worked before where I am working now and doesn't like my boss and didn't want anybody to know we were together and whatever, he always gave me a hard time about it). So now coming down to my office is no big deal anymore all of a sudden?

 

Then I said I have your drill still but it's kind of heavy. He answered that he'd better come to pick it up at my apartment. I hesitated about that and said maybe it's better I deliver it at your place? The thought of him passing by again after he dumped me and I had to live with the memories is horrible.

 

It might be such a simple thing, giving back our stuff, but it's not. I wasn't too easygoing about it on the phone, and I'm sure that was a wrong way to behave. Actually I feel paralyzed again. I'm supposed to go to his apartment tomorrow, but the thought scares me so much, it scares me what I am going to feel. I'll probably feel like sh*t and 3 months of carefully built up self-confidence will go through the window in one minute.

 

Does anyone have advice on how to do this gracefully and not feel destroyed?

 

Magnolia

[confused_too_much]

Have someone else do it for you...?

 

...get a friend to give back what is his and collect from him what is yours.

[MagnoliaJane]

I feel that would come off as totally immature from my side. We have not said one ugly thing to each other ever so there's no reason for avoiding him to that extent other than my own fears. He makes a friendly phone call to arrange for giving back my stuff and then I burden someone else with it? My friend totally dislikes him and would not want to go to his appartement. I also feel it's my responsibility. I got myself into this and now I have to face it. But the whole problem is whether I am able to do this. I feel I should do it, for the sake of accepting it's done/final/broken/not fixable, but am afraid it will spiral me down any further into depression. But I also wonder whether depression is avoidable at this point?

[melodymatters]

Thats what I was going to say ! Act cool about it, but say " the whole thing makes me feel akward so if you don't mind I'm going to have ( insert name here, preferably a good looking GUY friend) pick up my stuff and drop of yours. When is conveniant ?"

[melodymatters]

Screw him, Whats important is how YOU feel and taking care of yourself.

[BrokenSpirit]

I definately think you should send a friend. He is not a part of your life and you have to accept that part of it even though its REALLY HARD. So you dnt have to care what he thinks of you. And if he cares for you he will understand why it is so hard for you to see him. And honestly subconsiously all the reasons why you think you should be the one dropping off his stuff and picking up yours is just an excuse to see him whether or not you want to admit it. And depression is not avoidable you just have to be strong and pull through it... You can let it beat you or you can beat it... Look at my saying below... It can rain for 40 days and 40 nights but the sun will come back out... Yes your going to be upset. Yes you have to go through the feelings of loss and pain. Yes its totally going to suck, BUT you will feel better. Time really does heal all. And sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I can totally relate with you. Ive been trying to avoid the pain and depression by staying in something that Im not even happy or getting my needs met and Im ending it tonight. Just try to stay strong and stay busy. Dont give yourself so much time to think. Go out with friends and get some new hobbies. Go to art museums, live shows, go shopping, so take walks in the park or join the gym, take yoga just do things JUST FOR YOU =)) do things differently then you would have if you were with him so you can try to get away from things that would remind you of him =)) And WRITE TO US ON HERE =)) Were all here for you =)) And it helps so much to know people are out there that have been through it and are now on the other side of it happy and healthy =))

[D-Lish]

I'm going to tell you a couple things here...

 

First of all, it's ok to have a meeting to drop off stuff. If there is anything left that you may need in terms of closure, etc.... this would be a good opportunity for you to get that finished with. Anything you want to say, no matter how profound or mundane.

 

I had the opportunity to do this- and it was a pretty similar situation with the exchange of stuff. He came by to pick up his stuff a month after breaking up~ and there was a pleasant conversation and I got a little bit of closure out of that. There were things I felt I neeeded to say, and I got to say them... I would have regreted not being able to say them.

 

Secondly, seeing your ex WILL inspire a set back.... it's only natural. However, you've done a lot of healing, made a lot of progress, and this won't be negated by one meeting. You'll bounce back pretty quick and find yourself back to where you were before the meeting.

 

It sounds like you want to take care of this meeting yourself, good for you. Just act really positive and confident and make sure you are the one who says you "gotta go" first.

 

Like I said, I experienced something really similar, and it really wasn't a bad thing. It does open up that heartbreak a bit again~ but it subsides quickly.

 

Good luck,

Let us know if you have any more questions...

D

[MagnoliaJane]

Thanks D-lish and the others. It really helps to get some feedback.

 

Let me say it like this...

 

Before my ex, I was together with someone for 3 years. When I ended it and wanted to have some friendly closure he told me I should send a friend to get my stuff, that he didn't want to deal with me in person. I remember that as a particularly difficult and humiliating experience (hard to have to trouble someone else with it who had to face this in my place). Now, I know that won't be the case here, but still I have unpleasant memories of asking someone else.

 

Secondly, there really is no-one I can ask. When I came to NYC almost 2 years ago I knew absolutely nobody and met my ex 3 days later (at work) and he rocked my world so as to speak and we were unseparable since. I haven't gone out to meet anyone else because he didn't have any friends and I have been far too busy with him and work to build up a world of my own (a lame excuse, I know...)

 

But then things between us changed after a year, he decided it wasn't "right' anymore, he all of a sudden wasn't "ready" for a relationship and that was that. He kept coming back to me though, and after several months wanted to get back together again, only to do the same thing. I remember him coming over to my apartment and saying he decided it was over, without warning, or discussion, and that once he makes up his mind he sticks to it because he so proud. I said don't do this again, and he answered "I'm already gone in my mind" (these word really still haunt me). So I swallowed all my words, and have been doing ever since. What on earth was there left to say after you realize someone is sitting next to you but is not there emotionally?

 

The first month I could only drink liquids, anything solid made me feel like throwing up. I got this really bad nightmares too. I think it was because the words I could not speak out got really stuck in my throat and stomach. I tried psychoanalysis but could not find myself to speak up.

 

The not eating and not sleeping is more or less behind me now, but I am still feeling very vulnerable and still not ready to vocalize what I feel (at least I get to write it down here on LS!!!), hence the feelings of paralysis and fear...

 

On the one hand I feel like I want to run away from all this (an option would be to box up all the stuff and send it over to his office by interoffice mail), but the survivor in me wants to go over and confront my paralysis and fear. I know it would be a chance for me to speak up. But I am not sure I can't. I'm not sure it would be a good thing either. The last thing I want to loose is my dignity. My pain is not about the break-up per se. Among other things, it's about not being treated with enough respect as a person to have a discussion before breaking up. It's about giving someone the impression she's in a safe and comfortable place and then come over and drop a bomb. My ex had it all figured out. He brought pizza over. So first we ate. After dinner we sat on my couch and he told me he wanted to break up. A week before he had asked me where I wanted to get married. Mind you, I've never been the marrying type so that question was really a surprise as well.

 

This is "the pain-site" he poured open again this morning. But I guess exchanging our stuff is the only way forward, the real beginning of the real end. Accepting that it is really really over, even though the healing still has to begin. I guess I just have to do it. Go over there. Keep my act together. Be friendly. Say nothing. Fall apart at home. Then start over again on my own.

[Guest]

"My pain is not about the break-up per se. Among other things, it's about not being treated with enough respect as a person to have a discussion before breaking up. It's about giving someone the impression she's in a safe and comfortable place and then come over and drop a bomb."

 

I TOTALLY know what you mean. I was in a relationship for five and a half years and though I loved this person, I wasn't absolutely sure that he would be "the one" and at times, I did think it might be best if we broke up. But I NEVER knew he felt the same way and all of his actions constantly made it appear he was head over heels in love with me (he constantly talked about marriage and the future). Then one day out of no where he CALLS ME ON THE PHONE and says he doesn't think it's gunna work out. And he has since cut all ties with me.

 

I am absolutely crushed, but not because of the "break up" but because of the complete lack of maturity and respect that has made me feel worthless to him.

[justagirlforever]

I'll tell you what worked for me - and still works for me - and what I would have done.

 

Everyone deals with things in different ways that works for them. What works for one person, might not work for another. But so much of what you've said, rings true to so much I've gone through (emotionally) in the past. Current breakup excluded.

 

From my limited relationship experience I have learnt this for myself:

 

Face up to your fears. Do not hide from them. Hiding them doesn't make it go away. It remains there. Facing up to them makes you stronger. It enables you to deal with it and stop "fantasising" or overanalyzing about all the "what if's".

 

I once had to return a lawnmower to my ex-ex-ex

I was scared to death to give it back to him (my body was shaking at the thought and I felt like throwing up and choking at the same time).

 

I had only a few friends (and none with a car) as I'd just moved to London, had a new job - and he was it basically.

 

I had no choice and inside I was eating myself up about how I'd feel, think and react.

 

The reality was that I surprisingly felt in control and I didn't fall to bits in turn into mush when I saw him. We even hugged as we parted, but I drove off and I felt soooooo much better. I even smiled (albeit a sad little smile).

6 years on and a few exes inbetween for both of us, we're still friends, but that's just a little by-the-by.

 

So my advice would be to take a deep breath, tell yourself it will be OK - and face up to it. Go and drop it off. It might not be OK but at least you'll have something to work with. Instead of suppressed emotions and a zillion thoughts in your head.

 

Be strong and all the best.

 

Ps: thanks for your kind words in my previous post. Unknowingly yours was the first random post I clicked on after updating my thread.

[miss snoopy]

Gee MagnoliaJane, to get some context I read your old posts and your ex is so similar to mine, it's so uncanny! I'm reading the thread you posted on about CPs (I now know my ex is one) and it really is helping me as I can now stop beating myself up about everything - I had stopped doing that anyway. I was lucky (maybe that's the wrong word) but I had my doubts about the relationship so snooped on his old emails and got such a great insight into his troubled commitment-phobic mind. Just thank your lucky stars he left when he did - at least he didn't leave you literally holding the baby (and an expensive mortgage etc)

 

I agree with D Lish and justagirlforever - I think you should meet with him or you'll spend ages regretfully going over the whole aviodance incident. I hope I have the opportunity you have in 3 months time to meet up with my ex one last time as I feel it'll bring a final closure to this sorry saga. It'll probably go much better than you think!

[D-Lish]

It will be okay.

Pretend you're an actress- and play the part of a happy, content person. Whatever you do, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you despondent or weak.

 

Make sure you drop off the things, make a bit of friendly small talk, then say you have to go you "have plans".

 

You can be dressed up and say you have to get going because you're on your way out... that will rattle him a bit! He'll wonder why you're not falling all over him begging for him back.

 

I know it's a bit of game playing to do this- but it will leave you feeling like you have the upper hand if you say you have to go first. Just be an actress for 10 minutes... then you can take the real feelings home and have a good cry if you need to.

Let us know how it goes...

D

[miss snoopy]

Just thought of something - to put the 2 conflicting suggestions together - do you have a friend you can go with? That'll stop you from being over emotional and will give you instant feedback. And it'll seem perfectly reasonable to be all dressed up and in a hurry...

[MagnoliaJane]

Thanks for all the input. It has taken away some of the fear of dealing with this. Luckily I have until tomorrow evening for the event, he just came back from a trip and called me this morning, so he asked for doing it tomorrow. We haven't spoken in about a month during which I was on a trip as well. When I came back he send me a welcome message to which I have not responded. At some point during my trip he even thought I was lost in the jungle (I do research there on my own) and he had come to ask my colleagues about me. So according to him he and I are on good terms. He absolutely chooses to ignore that I might feel hurt and be devastated and I have to admit that I am good in putting on a brave face. On a subconscious level however, I do think he realises how hurtful he can be and how hurt I must be, but he definitely chooses to act like "nothing has happened". I think as far as he sees it, it "just didn't work". That nothing works without actually doing something for it, is again, beyond his reach. At the start of our relationship he once wrote me: "I want to share everything with you, recklessly and unedited. I hope that way some of the real me, the me that I do not know too well and that is not always pretty, will come out". Boy, if I had known then what I know now I would have ran as fast as I could.

 

Yes, I can foresee that the "event" in itself tomorrow will go well. He's a friendly person and good at chit-chat. It's myself I fear, and my own feelings of hurt, self-denial, reliving the whole process of what happened during the break-up again. He broke up with me 3 months ago for something I had said three days earlier. We were laying in bed and I confessed to him that I felt physical pain during sex. So he went straight home, thought about it for a few days, then told me he never wanted to touch me again. He never even asked me to explain myself better. He was so mad at me for saying that I finally found the courage to tell him. He said I clearly hadn't thought about his feelings and next thing he withdrew completely from my life. Bye after 1.5 years. No word about this anymore.

 

So now back to the stuff. This is the whole context. Sure I can be an actress. But I will yell in my head. And cry my eyes out later (if I can cry).

 

This is the first time I am telling this to someone.

[D-Lish]

Ok MJ,

 

That feeling of pain should be something you tell your doctor.

I had that too- and it turned out I just had a benign tumour on my cervix that was causing me pain. There could be a whole host of medical reasons for this (most of which are nothing to worry about and easy to look after). So you should tell your doc about it. Unless he's like "ahem" unusually HUGE.

 

And hello? What the hell is his problem with you admitting that? Does he not see how selfish and ridiculous it was to react that way? That was a really jack-ass move if you ask me.

 

It sounds like he still has feelings for you, even if he hasn't worked through them. Why else is he asking/worrying about you and sending you welcome home messages? He sounds confused.

 

You'll turn the table on him if you go to his place, act happy and confident, then tell him you can't stay because you are going out. Just be prepared to have a fake outing you can tell him about if he asks!!

ie: friends from work, someone's b-day, a welcome hom celebration for you! It's very important to end the meeting first and act like you have to get going. It really will get him thinking about where you're going, who you're with... and he'll surely wonder why you didn't want to stick around and catch up with him.

 

Did you read the first little bit of the thread "compilation of the best strategies to get them back"? It's by "TheKhris"... and it's good stuff. It goes over how a first meeting should go to get the upper hand.

Good luck!

And see your doc!!

D

[MagnoliaJane]

D,

 

It's more a "this is starting to hurt because I don't really feel relaxed and comfortable" thing. I have regular check-ups so I know it's not medical. I guess there was a lack of intimacy in our relationship, the kind of intimacy that involves cuddling, hugging, holding, caring, being in each other's arms and that's ok too. I felt being controlled by him in many ways, e.g. in my clothes, my reactions, my choices. Now that I am writing all this down I start to realize how so not ok this was. Anyway, I tried to adapt to him but always seemed to fall short in some kind of strange way.

 

I will take your advice at heart and keep tomorrow's visit short and casual. I guess it's not a good time now to tell him what's on my heart and how much he hurt me. I've never told him that. But what good would it do now?

[D-Lish]

ahhhhh, ok. Gotcha.

And you're right- if being with him was making you feel that way, then something wasn't right for you in the relationship.

And if that's the case, you probably would have ended up breaking things off with him at some point.

 

Sure it's ok to tell him he hurt you. He did hurt you.

I guess I was encouraging you to start playing "a game" if you felt you wanted to win him back....and my advice was meant to steer you in the right direction if it was a reconciliation you were looking for. (ie: make him a bit jealous).

 

If it's closure you are looking for, then by all means, tell him how he made you feel. You need to do whatever it is that will make YOU feel better.

It's never too late to tell someone who hurt you how you feel.

 

I thought you were looking to figure out how to get him back... that is why I made those suggestions designed to inspire longing and surprise and jealousy. But it sounds as if you really need to get a few things off your chest.

 

(can't believe I went "spillin" about my gynecological problems on a public forum....lol)

 

Ideally, how would the meeting turn out for you?

What would you like to see resolved?

If you answer those questions, maybe you can figure out the best way to handle it and exactly what you would like to say if you get the opportunity.

 

D