bchlvr Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 I've maintained NC w/ my ex for 6 months now with absolutely no communication. We both belong to the same social organization, but now I'm involved in ways such that I can avoid her. However, last night I was at a meeting that was mandatory. I had been trying to prepare myself for days for the unavoidable reality that she would be in the same room as I during the meeting. At the end of the meeting, I saw my ex walk in. I thought my heart had sunk. But at that point I couldn't leave yet. I tried to occupy myself by talking to other people and "acting" very busy. I was surprised when she came over and sat down to talk to someone right where all my paperwork and computer stuff was set up. I needed some of those materials and when I went over to get them I did not acknowledge her. I didn't look at her. I just continued to busy myself. She sat there for another moment. No one else was around. Then she called my name and said, here's such and such paperwork. (It was paperwork that I'm responsible for). Again, I didn't look at her, didn't engage with her in any way, essentially ignored her. I simply said thank you as business like as possible and continued to act overly busy. She got up out of her seat and left. I thought, it wasn't really necessary for her to give me that paperwork directly. It could have been handed off to someone else. I had a hunch that she was using it as a way to engage me in "hi how are you doing" conversation. Later, I wondered if I was reading into something that wasn't there; that she was sitting there to hand something off to me and had no interest in anything more. Were my actions rude? All night I've been tortured by this question. I've read the advice on here that says, if you run into your ex, be cordial, pleasant, don't divulge information, smile and move on. I didn't do any of those things. I ignored her in her presence. That bothers me because I'm afraid it gives the impression that I'm still affected by her, that she still has power over me. Otherwise, I would have at least been pleasant. And also, I want to act in a mature, appropriate manner. I don't want to regret any of my actions in relation to her. When I left the meeting, I just sobbed and sobbed. I feel worn out and can't believe that the person who I shared so much with, I now set out to ignore. Our group has an upcoming performance. As a member of the board, I'm supposed to be there. I can barely get through seeing her over a 1/2 hour period much less sit through a two hour concert. I thought I'd be over all of this by now but I'm not. As much as I don't want to let her presence interfere with activities that are really important to me, going to this event feels torturous. Trying to psyche myself into a neutral attitude doesn't seem to work. I've asked friends to come with me but even connecting with others does little right now to help me feel less angst. So, I welcome a more objective perspective. Did my behavior seem rude? How have you handled those situations? What kinds of things have you declined going to because your ex would be there?
BannaBee57 Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 bchlvr, Sorry to hear about your troubles. Maybe she was just trying to extend an olive branch knowing that you two would have to work closley together in the coming months. I think completly ignoring her might make you look a bit immature. Just be civil. There's no need to be overly friendly, just treat her like you would any other stranger. I know it's hard to treat someone who tore your heart with any sort of dignity though. I know what you mean about turning down activities. I have decided to turn down an invitation to a Christmas party because the ex will probably be there. It's going to be a good one too Just keep on truckin' though. You'll find better things to do that surely won't include her!
Author bchlvr Posted November 20, 2006 Author Posted November 20, 2006 BB-- Thank you for your thoughts. I didn't think of the possibility that my ex could have been extending an olive branch. I see what you mean that my response could be seen as immature. I just know that if I had any kind of exchange I would not have been able to hold back the tears and did not want to cry in front of her. Do you think I should let it go or explain myself in some way? I feel for you, deciding to turn down a really good holiday party. That must be hard. I wonder if you decided to go anyway it would make what would otherwise be a lot of fun feel bad. And feeling bad is one thing we want to avoid over the holidays if at all possible, isn't it? So, I admire your foresight. Again, thanks for your valueable perspective
BannaBee57 Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Well, I think I'd just let it go for now and wait and see if she trys to talk again in upcoming meetings. You could just casualy smile and nod your head to her if you see her in another meeting if you feel comfortable with it. I didn't realise your emotions were still so raw (mine are too), so maybe keeping your mouth shut was a good idea (we do not want to cry infront of the ex!). I guess it's up to you though. I'm not 100% sure the ex will be at this party but I'm not going to risk it. He told my friend a few weeks ago that he's not going because he doesn't have a date (oh poor him ). I do want to avoid getting upset at all costs and I just couldn't bear it if he showed up with the girl he told me he was interested in when we broke up. So far, they aren't together...but you never know. However, I do think the more we see our exs in passing or through work etc. the more used to it we will be and therefore the stronger we will be. At least that's what I'm hoping Take care.
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