Author CarryingOn123 Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 I am aware of what you are saying. She had mentioned earlier if we can be atleast friends- at that time I didnt give her a proper answer because of my emotional state. Now I dont mind doing that because of the detatchment I feel from all those issues. Moreover I dont want to villify her or I dont wish her to be lonely and unhappy. inspite of all this I care about her and her family, and her mom & me- we got on well together. If it is going to give them a couple of days of relaxation and happiness, I will gladly ignore any personal discomfort I have. She is in an advanced stage of pregnancy and I think a couple of days relaxation might be good for her. I could call her at tell her while extending the invitation that there is no other undercurrent to this invite. What do you think
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Just be honest. Make sure she understands that it's something you've thought about and so has your family, and together you all decided an invitation for them to join you over the holidays, and that this doesn't change how things are in the present, and not to expect things to change between you and her.
Madaline Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 You filled for divorce and need to let her go. What she does now is none of your business IMO. And that includes her being pregnant. It's not your job to relax her or take care of her anymore. What are you going to do when the divorce is final? Still invite her over? She is soon to be an X and should be just that, and X. Sorry to come off as a jerk here but you wanted the divorce and now you have to accept everything that goes with that. Especially if the marriage is over. Your only going to make this harder for yourself and her. Especially since she wants to stay with you. I know what your saying but think about it before you call and invite her over. I understand that we can't tell you what to do and if you want to invite her then go ahead. Just know that you might be sending mixed messages.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 The problem is though, his ex is still very friendly with his family and so her mom. You can't just cut that out all of a sudden. If he explains things to her, then there won't be any mixed messages.
Guest Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I'm not trying to rain on anyone's parade, however, I find this whole story to be fake!, but that's just my personal opinion. By the way, I read his whole thread. Took me 2hrs. was very entertaining! But way too soap opera like. What next? Best seller book?
Madaline Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Alright so when does the cut off begin? A month, two months, ever? I'm being serious. I understand that this is a tough situation but the line has to be drawn somewhere for several reasons. You can't be divorcing someone and still be willing to do things with them. It's not healthy and that DOES send mixed messages. If the marriage is truly over then it's over. Thats it. There is no weaning her off of him or his family. There is no logic in that. What's going to happen when the next holiday rolls around, or event? Will she be invited there too? What about if she's still with the OM or is involved with someone else. Will they be there? I may be jumping to conclusions here but it's something to think about. From the posts, it seems like talking to her isn't working either but like I said if he wants her there then ok. He still married to her. I just hope that more problems don't arise.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 You're jumping to conclusions...Alot can happen in a year, and seeing as all this has happened so recently, there is no real reason to cut off ALL ties, especially when it involves her mom. The ex and her mom are close with his family. There's no reason why his familly still can't be friendly and keep intouch with them either. Just because people divorce, doesn't mean that it has to end up everybody hating eachother, full of resentment! Yet, doesn't mean they have to socialize alot either...It's not a huge deal unless they all make it out to be. I honestly think that CO123 is doing something nice for them. Now, they could in turn reject his offer and say no thanks. The relationship/marriage is over. It's done and over with now. I will try and find you his original link to his life story, maybe you'll understand why things are they way the are now. (It's a huge thread, but after reading afew pages in the beginning and then near the end, you'll understand what is really happening)
Madaline Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 No you don't have to do that. I was following it. I'm not talking about this women's mother. Her mother is not the issue. She can do what she wants. It's him and his wife I'm talking about. I never said that they had to hate each other. Sure you can be friends and say hi once and a while but not on a regular basis. He maybe doing something nice but is it appropriate? If they want to do all this and be friends and they are all able to not let emotions get in the way then ok. But thats very hard to do with everything that is going on.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 He isn't really saying they're going to be "close" friends, and I"m sure as time goes on, life will get in the way, maybe it will be too painful for her to have him in her life at all...Who knows. I just don't seem the harm in inviting her to Xmas this year, that's all. I don't believe it's setting future plans that each year she'll be there and other holidays...UNLESS they keep a friendship going...Though to be honest, not too sure CO123 wants that or not. IF it is inappropriate, she can decide for herself. She has a choice to say yes or no to the Xmas lunch/dinner.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 She had mentioned earlier if we can be atleast friends- at that time I didnt give her a proper answer because of my emotional state. Now I dont mind doing that because of the detatchment I feel from all those issues. Moreover I dont want to villify her or I dont wish her to be lonely and unhappy. inspite of all this I care about her and her family, and her mom & me- we got on well together. If it is going to give them a couple of days of relaxation and happiness, I will gladly ignore any personal discomfort I have. She is in an advanced stage of pregnancy and I think a couple of days relaxation might be good for her. I could call her at tell her while extending the invitation that there is no other undercurrent to this invite. What do you think Honestly, if you want to know what I think... I agree with Madaline. It seems like a mixed message. Sometimes no matter HOW clear you are in stating your agenda, the other person will still see what they want to see. I think your STBX is likely to see more in this gesture than what you intend. I'm also thinking that you, yourself, are having a little trouble letting go. You're willing to "ignore personal discomfort" in order to care for her. Your language is tender. And I wouldn't be surprised if it continues to be "tender" during the visit. If you are REALLY certain that you want a divorce... Well, sometimes it's kinder to slap a hand than to hold it. But I'm not sure you really are certain at this point. You still seem be somewhat emotionally attached. Even though you've stated "detatchment I feel from all those issues", your words don't match your actions. Now, if somebody who's just reading your posts on the internet wonders if you mean what you say... what are the odds that your STBX, who already WANTS to see vulnerability in your stance, is going to see it too? All that said, I don't see it as particularly harmful that you spend time together during the holidays. In the grand scheme of things, you have both already experienced much deeper hurts. I just want you to see the pitfalls.
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