CarryingOn123 Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Hi Been quite a while since I’ve been here. It was quite an abrupt break when my previous thread was unceremoniously locked. [url=http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t93847/?highlight=selfless+love][/url] http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t93847/ Just thought I’d make a quick post and tell all the wonderful people here that I am doing well. To update you, the AOA suit has been settled for about $515K. So that is out of the way now, and I feel much better about him now- don’t feel like the victim wrto him anymore. I haven’t touched the money yet, cos I really don’t want his money. I don’t really know what to do with it, so it is currently sitting there while I figure out some worthwhile use for that money. I had filed for divorce. And it was progressing, when my STBXW had a medical scare with the baby. They thought she was going into premature labour (She must be around 6-7 months now)- this was a month back. But it turned out to be just a scare. My Sis called me and I went to the hospital to be with her and her mom if they needed anything. So my sis, her mom, she , & me were in the hospital all day while they did all the tests and confirmed that it was just a scare and things were ok. Anyway just to be doubly sure, I asked my lawyer to hold off till her delivery, so that she doesn’t have to focus on that now. My mom in law & STBX were relieved to have us there at that time. She asked me to stay with her during the tests and she was holding my hand. I also held her hand with both of my hands to reassure her. After a while when she had been brought back to her room and was resting, the OM came there to check on her. It was more of a power game for him marking his territory wrto the test results etc when the feedback came. He was trying to stare me down, which I found as amusing and funny, and I didn’t take the bait. But I didn’t want to stay too much longer there also, So I told them that we were leaving and told her mom to give us a call anytime if they needed anything. She (STBX) didn’t want me to leave, but I told her that she had all the help that she needed right there and there was no need for me to be there, she said she couldn’t help it if he wanted to be there because it was his child. I told her that it was ok, and I will be just a phone call away if they need me. Anyway they were back at home the next day, and it was my sis and me who took them back from the hospital to her house. I really don’t have any contact with her anymore (other than the one mentioned above), as I think it would be better to have a clean break. She still talks to my sis, and told her that she had already begun the process of giving up the child for adoption and had already met a couple of prospective parents. My sis told her to be sure that she is doing all that for herself and no one else- my sis told her not to do anything like that for my sake. She was told that it is what she wants to do whatever happens. Anyway we are not involved in any of that and don’t know too many details other that what she told my sis. My consultancy business has really taken off. I got a couple more clients and a former colleague/friend has joined me as a partner. We have also taken 2 assistants. I think in a couple of months, if the business continues its current pace, we might look at taking more people in including a marketing executive, and I think D (my ex) would be perfect for that. D & I are not dating or anything like that. I told her that I might not be “relationship material” right now and I don’t want her to bear the burnt of it. She understood that, and we agreed that it is probably better for me to date casually and get into the “scene” before looking at anything serious. So that is where we are, there are definitely good feelings there and might be definitely worth exploring sometime in the not so distant future. Meanwhile I am going out on a couple of dates and getting used to the whole concept again. The first couple of them were disasters, but I am getting the hang of it now. That’s about it for now. Cheers everyone and have a good day
noforgiveness Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 wow wait am I reading this right? You sued this an for alienation of affection and got 500 thousand for it? How when your wife was a willing participant and even got pregnant? I thought AOA had to do with malice also. Where the OP was purposefully misleading to alienate and telling lies about you. I read your situation. It is truly heartbreaking and I am glad you are recovering so well.
Enema Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Hi there CO. 3 Hours since I first clicked on your thread, I managed to read through your initial saga and arrive back here! I was a little worried for you in the 3rd act when it sounded like you were leaning towards reconciliation but the end fight scene really put a smile on my face. Best of luck with everything from here on out, I certainly don't think you need any advice from us, you seem to be doing just fine on your own!
Ladyjane14 Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Yay! So glad to hear an update from you CarryingOn. Sounds like things are going pretty well. I'm especially happy to hear that you're taking your time, moving ahead slowly but surely. Wise thinking, as usual. Congratulations on your progress with the consulting business. Working is good. Keeps us from loafing and getting lethargic. You might be sitting on a big ole' wad of cash and not have to work, but I'm thinking the job satisfaction is probably feeling pretty good right about now. You didn't mention any medical news, so I'm assuming you've made good progress in recovery as well. I hope I'm right about that as well. I also hope that your STBX is making the adoption decision for the right reasons. I know you don't want to cause her any undue stress by serving her with divorce papers, but she does understand that divorce is your intention, doesn't she? I'd hate to think she might give up her baby on the off-chance you'll change your mind, particularly if your mind is made up.
LakesideDream Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Congratulations on your legal outcome. It's nice to see the wronged party in the winners circle at least financially. Sounds like you are on the right track otherwise. Keep up the spirits, and good luck in the future... oh and be on the lookout for the odd falling bricks!
Sup Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 VERY GOOD FOR YOU MAN!!!!!!! It makes men EVERYWHERE HAPPY to know that you stood up for yourself. I suggest that you hang on to that money in case of a rainy day, one heck of a rainy day fund!
IpAncA Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Wow that a nice chunk of change. That should help you out in many ways. You've come a long way and I'm glad your doing great and moving on. Good luck. :)
Author CarryingOn123 Posted November 21, 2006 Author Posted November 21, 2006 Hey guys, Thanks for the wishes. I dont know why the old thread was locked- didnt get any reply from the moderator for my query. WWIU suggested that it might be because it got too long. However I tried to PM you guys before leaving to tell you thanks, but a lot of them bounced as PM facility was not set up (2long, sup, ladyjane, etc..) I must admit that I'm surprised that the AOA was successful, and that it happened so quickly (and the award was so high). Guess things are speedier outside the US! It was not a court award, the case was settled out of court - it must have been looking bad for them as my lawyers were very good at PR and using my accident and ensuing medical situation to create a mood of sympathy at the court. So I guess they wanted to cut losses, and moreover his legal bills were also piling with lawyers charging by the hours that they think about the case while seeing a movie, so I think they were trying to cut losses. I really didnt need to see it through I just needed to land a blow that would hurt, which I did, so I decided to accept the offer and withdraw the case. I didnt want to waste any more time on him again. Hi there CO. Best of luck with everything from here on out, I certainly don't think you need any advice from us, you seem to be doing just fine on your own! this time around, I didnt come here with a problem. it was just like my title says- just called in to say hi. I think it's sad that your STBXW still wants 2 give up her child. Hopefully, she'll reconsider when it's born. But it is her decision, I suppose. Not really my call, I dont want to get involved in all those things again. What she does is her own decision whith no input whatsoever from my side. Congratulations on your progress with the consulting business. Working is good. Keeps us from loafing and getting lethargic. You might be sitting on a big ole' wad of cash and not have to work, but I'm thinking the job satisfaction is probably feeling pretty good right about now. I like working and doing something with my life. I am not even 30 yet so it is definitely not time to retire. I like applying myself and consulting is allowing me to do just that. I used to work in the same field bbefore, but this time I am doing in my own business and a lot more sectors. You didn't mention any medical news, so I'm assuming you've made good progress in recovery as well. I hope I'm right about that as well. no complaints there. Moving on slowly and steadily. I also hope that your STBX is making the adoption decision for the right reasons. I know you don't want to cause her any undue stress by serving her with divorce papers, but she does understand that divorce is your intention, doesn't she? I'd hate to think she might give up her baby on the off-chance you'll change your mind, particularly if your mind is made up. The divorce papers were already served and there were the preliminary hearings too. I just asked my lawyer to ask for adjournment till after the delivery. So my intentions are pretty out in the open, there is no grey area there. I am not talking to her about the baby, or anything else for that matter, so anything she does is her own decision, and I really dont want to get involved in it and thus take responsibility for it. Thanks everyone for your kind wishes
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 Hey CO! Sounds like things are going well and thanks for the update! You're doing the right thing for you, and that's great. Wish you all the best healthwise and ofcourse with your business too! Keep intouch, drop in once in a while so we know how you're doing.
jmargel Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 Glad things are going well for you. As for your situation I did not read all 50 pages of your post but I read enough to get a general picture of what happened. I'm sorry that you went through this, this is an extrodinary situation. But, I have to ask.. If that accident never did happen, do you believe you would be happily married to her? How was the marriage before the accident? A year and a half is a long time, especially when you believe your spouse will never wake up. People have been in comas for 10 - 20 years. Most don't make it. My guess is the lonliness got the best of her and though what she did hurt you, that was not her intention. She obvisously knows who she wants and she has been telling you this. May I ask why you are still going the divorce route? Though I know you may feel that you were replaced when you needed her the most, please understand that this was a very unusual circumstance. 17 months is a long time.. Remember, the holidays, birthdays, special events.. She was without you, and more importantly after a period of time probably felt that you were never going to come around. Your prognosis was not good and honestly it was a miracle you came out of this. Seeing you every day for a year, lay there, un-responsive. Talking to you, with no reply. Doctors telling her that you could be like this for years & years. If you were to die, would you not want her to move on and find someone else? In alot of ways you were dead. Especially given the prognosis that you may never wake up. However what IS important is that she chooses you to be with, she always has. It's just that you weren't around for 17 months. You can look it it from two sides, one where she abandoned you, or the other side that I just tried to explain. I know you probably can't put into words on how you feel but given the circumstances and the situation, IMO I believe you both owe it to each other to give it a shot, at least with counseling. You are still going through alot. She went through the 5 stages of grief with you, and I believe you are starting to go through that. Please look that up. If anything from your posts, your wife is very guilt-stricken. God brought you back from this coma for a reason, honestly it could be that you still have a life with her.
Marcus as the Peanut Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 I just finished reading your story!! It so amasing beyond belifs,i must say you handle it with such a maturety But no to my point..PLEASE reconsider the divorce!! Dont divorce her,that woman loves you more then you will ever understand her willingness to give her child up,for you thats the ultimate sacrafice ,that you will only understand when you have your own kids.... So try to move on lot of other people have managed to move forward...
Guest Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I think this guy has been through a lot. In his old thread he has done a lot of soul searching before coming to his decision. I don't think his decision was rushed, but a carefully thought of one. She now knows what she wants, but so does he.
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 her willingness to give her child up,for you thats the ultimate sacrafice ,that you will only understand when you have your own kids.... Yeah but you seem to forget that SHE bailed on him during the worst time of his life. Sometimes that kind of pain and letdown is unforgivable emotionally and for him, he could not get past what she did, how she did it and how she acted while he was in a coma....HE is doing the right thing for himself, moving on with his life, without her in it.
westernxer Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Too bad you wore rubber thongs that fateful evening.
Marcus as the Peanut Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 I now she did!!! but in hundered years who will care!!!
Marcus as the Peanut Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 westernxer Thats what happens when you borough them out! It only fits you:D
Author CarryingOn123 Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 .............. ............. ................ ................. ................. .......................... .................................... ...................... ..................... ....................... I................... Thanks guys for your messages and wishes Too bad you wore rubber thongs that fateful evening.
Author CarryingOn123 Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Sorry for the delay in replying to your posts. I wasn’t logging in for a couple of weeks now as I was busy with a lot of stuff- mostly work related.
Author CarryingOn123 Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Glad things are going well for you. As for your situation I did not read all 50 pages of your post but I read enough to get a general picture of what happened. I'm sorry that you went through this, this is an extrodinary situation. But, I have to ask.. If that accident never did happen, do you believe you would be happily married to her? How was the marriage before the accident? . The answer to that question would have to be- that I might be happily married to her if not for the turn of events after my accident. To the second part of your question- prior to the accident my marriage was perfect (seemingly to me) - We had a passionate and nurturing life. We had great communication- there was nothing we could not talk to each other, we were supportive of each other, and we stimulated each other (at least I thought so). We were having a great sex life- we used to make love more than once every day. Not just make love- we used to jump each other during the day for animal sex during the normal course of the day- we might or might not finish the act but we used to do that & it was sexy and wonderful and I was deeply in love. The fact that I didn’t think twice to put myself in danger to save her should tell you how I saw our marriage and her at that time. A year and a half is a long time, especially when you believe your spouse will never wake up. People have been in comas for 10 - 20 years. Most don't make it. My guess is the lonliness got the best of her and though what she did hurt you, that was not her intention. She obvisously knows who she wants and she has been telling you this. May I ask why you are still going the divorce route? Because she got herself another lover and she is carrying his baby now. I don’t feel the same way about her now. The caring feelings that I have towards her now are that of nostalgia and not those warm feelings of anticipation of the future. Quite obviously our relationship didn’t mean the same thing to her that it meant to me. I know what she wants, she wants me when I am well and it is all fair weather. Though I know you may feel that you were replaced when you needed her the most I don’t just feel that I was replaced- that is what had happened- for at least a lot of things if not entirely. I might not have been able to be there for her but she could have been there for me, but she chose not to. She chose to let go. I needed her, (I had blind faith that she would be there for me no matter what), but she invited someone else into her intimate space instead. please understand that this was a very unusual circumstance. 17 months is a long time.. Remember, the holidays, birthdays, special events.. She was without you, and more importantly after a period of time probably felt that you were never going to come around. Your prognosis was not good and honestly it was a miracle you came out of this. Seeing you every day for a year, lay there, un-responsive. Talking to you, with no reply. Doctors telling her that you could be like this for years & years. Doing things that are right is easy when things are going well, it is only when times are tough that we see people’s true colours. It is living in a forest away from civilization and later claiming that you haven’t ever cheated in your life; that is no big deal- you didn’t have to deal with temptation. It is only when you have temptation and opportunity but you choose your path by choice that it means anything. Otherwise it is not a testimony to your character, but rather a case of lack of opportunity If you were to die, would you not want her to move on and find someone else? In alot of ways you were dead. Especially given the prognosis that you may never wake up. However what IS important is that she chooses you to be with, she always has. It's just that you weren't around for 17 months. Listen my friend- I will be very honest with you. The selfish part of me would e\want her to pine for me after my death. It is more like the case that we sometimes feel that ideally (in utopia) our spouses had no contact with the opposite sex before us and we were their first loves who sweep them off their feet, etc. But then we have reality checks. If she wanted to find someone else after I had died- I wouldn’t be happy about it, but I wouldn’t hold it against her either. But saying that (about my death and her finding someone else)….. Bear with me, I am going to test the limits of your imagination here…… Imagine life after death…… I don’t know what the social structure there is, but at some stage she is also going to come there; but I would no longer consider her my spouse, but that of her later lover. …….. I don’t know if anyone is able to get what I am trying to say here and express my feelings about the subject, cos I don’t think I am doing a good job of it. You can look it it from two sides, one where she abandoned you, or the other side that I just tried to explain. I know you probably can't put into words on how you feel but given the circumstances and the situation, IMO I believe you both owe it to each other to give it a shot, at least with counseling. You are still going through alot. She went through the 5 stages of grief with you, and I believe you are starting to go through that. Please look that up. If anything from your posts, your wife is very guilt-stricken. God brought you back from this coma for a reason, honestly it could be that you still have a life with her. I don’t know- there is a lot of water under the bridge. There are a lot of complications. There is the kid. & even if she gives up the kid for adoption, it is never really gone… it is always present as a Damocles sword. I was reading through your initial post today ( just to see where you are coming from) and I noticed that you wrote towards the last pages in that post that if your wife has been intimate with the OM, then your marriage was definitely over. Reading that tells me that the feeling I have now are not exactly alien to you, so if you look at it from my shoes you might see of my reasons, albeit twisted. I consider that a deal breaker, and quite evidently so do you. Ithat woman loves you more then you will ever understand her willingness to give her child up,for you thats the ultimate sacrafice ,that you will only understand when you have your own kids.... .. .. but not enough to make the sacrifice not to jump into bed with another guy... though what she did hurt you, that was not her intention. She admitted that she knew it was wrong all along, but she still chose to do it and continue doing it....She admitted that she knew it how it would crush me, but she still kept at it.... that is not saying much about her love for me, is it? Maybe she does love me... at least as much as she can love another person. Maybe she is incapable of loving more than that....But that (her limit) is not enough for me.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 But saying that (about my death and her finding someone else)….. Bear with me, I am going to test the limits of your imagination here…… Imagine life after death…… I don’t know what the social structure there is, but at some stage she is also going to come there; but I would no longer consider her my spouse, but that of her later lover. …….. I don’t know if anyone is able to get what I am trying to say here and express my feelings about the subject, cos I don’t think I am doing a good job of it. Maybe this is why Italian woman wear black for atleast a year or more after they lose their spouse to death - And most don't re-marry or date either. I hope that wasn't offensive to anybody, I noticed this recently as someone I know died two years ago (both Italian) and she hasn't worn any colour clothing, always the black dresses. CO123, what counts now is the choice you made and how you feel about it. As long as you're happy and moving on, then that's a good thing. I do hope that one day you will feel indifferent towards your ex, the child (if she decides to keep it) and the OM and find peace with everything. What you've been through is really unusual and unique, but as some say, certain things happen for a reason, so I'm sure the best is yet to come for you! Take care and good to see you doing updates!
Author CarryingOn123 Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 CO123, what counts now is the choice you made and how you feel about it. As long as you're happy and moving on, then that's a good thing. I do hope that one day you will feel indifferent towards your ex, the child (if she decides to keep it) and the OM and find peace with everything. What you've been through is really unusual and unique, but as some say, certain things happen for a reason, so I'm sure the best is yet to come for you! Take care and good to see you doing updates! Thanks WWIU, I am actually indifferent about all of that now. I have no unresolved issues with the OM after the AOA suit. and after making the decision to D, I am indifferent to issues about her as well as it doesnt concern me anymore. However holiday season is coming up. I am really in knots whether to invite her and her mum to our family lunch and dinner. Because both of them dont have any other family close by. I am just thinking how to plan it, or will it be too complicated.
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I am really in knots whether to invite her and her mum to our family lunch and dinner. Because both of them dont have any other family close by. I am just thinking how to plan it, or will it be too complicated. Talk to the rest of your family about this, see what their thoughts are. I can see why you're in knots about it - It's a wonderful thing to do because they don't have family close by, but at the same time, what message does it send them for the future? It also could be very painful for your ex wife.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 However holiday season is coming up. I am really in knots whether to invite her and her mum to our family lunch and dinner. Because both of them dont have any other family close by. I am just thinking how to plan it, or will it be too complicated. I'm in agreement with WWIU. I can understand why you're troubled by the thought of not including them in your holiday plans.... the spirit of the season and all that. But I'm also thinking that you could inadvertantly offer her more hope for reconciliation than what you might intend. If you're REALLY done with the marriage, I don't think you're going to want to send any mixed messages on that subject. A simple offer of friendship could be invested with deeper meaning by a person who's feeling desperate for more.
Guest Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Thanks WWIU, I am actually indifferent about all of that now. I have no unresolved issues with the OM after the AOA suit. and after making the decision to D, I am indifferent to issues about her as well as it doesnt concern me anymore. However holiday season is coming up. I am really in knots whether to invite her and her mum to our family lunch and dinner. Because both of them dont have any other family close by. I am just thinking how to plan it, or will it be too complicated. Bad idea since you're going through with the divorce. She moved her life along when you were in a coma and now that you have decided to move on with your life, you need to X her out completely. No more contact, no more false hopes.
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