Guest Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Before we were married, my bf cheated on me. At the time I suspected it, especially after I found a very suggestive card in his car. But he denied and denied it, claiming it was just a friend "who got weird." And then he blamed me for snooping in his car and finding the card! I foolishly believed him and he made me feel guilty for looking in his stuff! A few years passed and one week before we were married, he felt he should 'fess up. I was shocked and started to cry. He tried to back track, and claim that it was only a one time thing and they'd been drinking. I really don't believe that, I know that he saw her numerous times, but that's all I know. I thought I could put this behind me, but I've always wondered what the truth really is. He refuses to talk about it, and turns it around on me, how dare I ask him about this, after all, he's married to me, blah, blah, blah... I think at this point I'm more hurt by the lying and blaming me as opposed to the actual cheating. Anyways, through a little bit of investigating on the internet, I finally found the other woman, and her email address. I've wondered about her and the true story for years. I have absolutely no animosity towards her, I doubt she knew about me. I would guess that he treated her quite badly as well. It feels empowering to finally have figured out who she was! So, what do I do now? I want to figure out the best way to approach DH and coax the whole story out of him. He doesn't know that I've found her, and I don't plan on telling him yet. Any good ideas?
NoIDidn't Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Let her be. She really isn't the issue. Him and his lying are the issue. That's the thing about betrayal It isn't the sex, or even the possibility of love between the cheaters that hurts. Its the lying and denying. Deal with that with him. Talking to her will only re-open the wounds and make them gaping. You don't want or need that. See if he will agree to some kind of counselling with you. What possibly could she tell you that will make things better? My guess is nothing.
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 What is going to help your marriage get better is talking, being honest and going to counselling together. What is it that you expect to hear from the OW? Best and worst case senario... My only concern for you about talking to her is, it's going to open the door to many questions, and make you wonder more and more about your husband now. Has he cheated on you with someone else, has he still been intouch with the OW all these years... Plus, you may be opening a can of worms with her. She may not want to get involved! Maybe he hurt her badly and doesn't want to hear from him (or you) ever. Just be careful about this...You opening that door could lead to something else...The flip side, what if she realizes she misses him and tries to re-connect with him again? Are you prepared for that? Anything is possible.
Trialbyfire Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 As the others have said, it will be like opening Pandora's Box unless you are planning to leave him. On the other hand, I would contact her to find out more because I have to know, no matter how much it hurts me or our relationship. If it hurts the OW, sorry but I don't really have any sympathy for her.
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 If it hurts the OW, sorry but I don't really have any sympathy for her. You don't have to have sympathy for her, but who's to know if he led her on? I mean, what if the OW didn't know he was seeing someone and about to get married? That is possible. Also, could you trust the OW 100% in what she says. If she is single then that is even more dangerous. If she's married, then I highly doubt she'd do anything to ruin her own marriage/life.
Trialbyfire Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 You don't have to have sympathy for her, but who's to know if he led her on? I mean, what if the OW didn't know he was seeing someone and about to get married? That is possible. Also, could you trust the OW 100% in what she says. If she is single then that is even more dangerous. If she's married, then I highly doubt she'd do anything to ruin her own marriage/life. If she had no idea, then she deserves to know too. The man referenced by the OP fessed up to the relationship, therefore has given some details. It would be interesting to find out if the stories mesh.
LakesideDream Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Seems like you are taking a huge risk for something that happened years before you were married! As you say.. he even tried to fess up before the wedding. People don't often enter into relationships with absolutely "clean" hands. This happened when you were "dating" your now husband. Isn't that what dating is for? Have you given any though to the reality that the two of you are the ones who are married, and a family? Now you have made your husband responsible for something that happened "years" before you said your vows. What's next demanding a confession from him about who his first kiss, date, lover was? Get real. You werent married. Didn't marry for years. This is an old issue you are obsessed with. Sounds like to much Drama for me. I'd forget the whole thing.
SueBee3490 Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 You don't have to have sympathy for her, but who's to know if he led her on? I mean, what if the OW didn't know he was seeing someone and about to get married? That is possible. Also, could you trust the OW 100% in what she says. If she is single then that is even more dangerous. If she's married, then I highly doubt she'd do anything to ruin her own marriage/life. Just what happened to me. I found one of my now H's gf's that he cheated on me with while dating me and I let her know exactly what type of guy he is. Of course when i found out about her, it was only 4-5 mos after he last saw her, so it was fairly recent, not years like you speak of. She thanked me and told me that explains why he acted like he did towards her. He saw her when he was engaged to me. She said she couldn't put her finger on what was wrong with him, but she knew something was up. She said he seemed nice then all of a sudden, their relationship stopped (well I guess that's because he married me!). She was nice and we talked quite a few times. She told me I deserved so much better than him. I told her how hurt I was and could see that he used her just as he used me and any other women he saw. I don't know what you can gain at this point guest, as it's been a while ago. I know the strong urge to want to know all the details - I contacted every one of the women my bf cheated on me with to see what went on. That "need" to know is a very normal need. Did it help me? I don't know - at least it made it all "real". He "really" cheated on me because I talked to and saw pictures of his other women. I give your guy credit for fessing up before marriage - so you could then decide if you wanted to go through with the marriage. Evidently you decided to marry him anyway. If mine had told me about cheating on me for 2 1/2 years while dating me, I would have left him and not looked back. Not the type of character I want in a man. Sorry Lakeside but I believe that how you treat your gf/bf/fiancee during dating should tell you whether you want to be married to that person or not. If he's cheating on me while dating me and then tries to use the copout that "we're not married", then I know that he has no concern for my feelings and quite truthfully, I don't believe that he really loves me so I wouldn't want to take those vows with someone like that. Also the guest isn't wondering who his first date, first kiss, first lover was. I didn't care who my H's first anything was because that was all before we became a couple. Just like guest, once you become a couple and are committed, then anything that happens to the other person does become your concern too.
lisapizza Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Is it that you don't trust him now BECAUSE he lied to you then ?? I think this is a precurser of some mistrust issues you might have with him now...just my thoughts, I could be way off base, but then again maybe not maybe not...
Spinderella Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 I think you should leave it, and if you don't, you are going to destroy your own marriage with this one. Of course, it isnt nice to think that your H was decietful to you, and it seems that fear held him back from truly confessing all at the time when he 'fessed up. The best thing to do, if you really want to discuss this, is to sit down with him calmly and explain to him in a calm and rational way, that you are upset with this because you feel you never got the whole story. Tell him it is not the other woman or what happened that you are holding on to, but, the fact that you feel there are secrets between you. Thats if you really feel you HAVE to bring it up. Concentrate on the present moment, not the past, remember, you are not alive in the past, only in the present.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I think at this point I'm more hurt by the lying and blaming me as opposed to the actual cheating. I would guess that he treated her quite badly as well. One would certainly conclude from your post that he continues to treat you badly. Why isn't that alone enough motivation for you to walk if that's what you want to do? I don't see what additional help knowing the facts of this past affair would be. Put another way - what would the details of his past conduct tell you that his present conduct doesn't? Mr. Lucky
LovelySoul Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 It is obvious that you will not be able to leave it alone because you have taken the time to find the OW. I would say contact her but, you must go in prepared for all possibilities. She could ignore you, she could exagerate what happened between her and your husband, she could could try to rekindle something with your husband if she senses that your relationship is strained, she could be a complete psycho, she could tell you things that you did not already play out in your head. My situation almost mirrors yours. I married my now husband in 2005 and in 2006 found out that he had an affair before we were married. He only admits to 2 sexual encounters and the lie detector test confirms this. She was his high school girlfriend and they reconnected at their 10 year reunion (which I did not attend). After the 2 sexual encounters they continued to talk on the phone (I guess it is a good thing that we moved to another city--it could have gotten worse). I have been dealing with this for many months and during the course of healing (still in the process of healing) I spoke to the other woman on the phone. She confirmed most of his story. However, there were some exaggerations on her part as far as how many times they had sex. Honestly, talking to her did help me. It is hard for me to heal without knowing fully what happened and why. You hear about people who have loved ones that are kidnapped or just disappear and they live with the grief and loss everyday. They often times are not able to heal until they know the details of what happened (no matter how terrible). There are those that are ok not knowing and there are those that need to know. What type of person are you? No matter what--just be prepared that time is what you need to heal and make life changing decisions. I would suggest finding a counselor for yourself and your relationship. You may go through a few of them before you find the one that understands and can give you the help that you need. Good luck to you.
Trialbyfire Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 There are those that are ok not knowing and there are those that need to know. What type of person are you? No matter what--just be prepared that time is what you need to heal and make life changing decisions. Very well said. I'm the type that needs to know, no matter how brutal it is. When I only knew parts of the situation and partially believed it, when I found out the rest, I was devastated. Better to know up front.
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