Do you think i should sent this letter?

[blon_dee]

Recap of story, broke up with bf of 5 mths a little over a month ago. I broke it off, he was already distancing himself from me because i had been pushing him away the whole time. I have dealt with all my past "demons" so to speak, (marriage break up 2 years ago) and what i have come back to , is that i made a mistake being the way i was to him, and that i actually really truly do love him. Saw a dr a few weeks ago who said i had depression, which was not surprising he said, because i 3 years, i had a baby, my dad died, and then my husband left when our daughter was just 12 mths old. I have refused medication and have just spent a month soul searching and working through all my issues.. And i am really feeling great with myself, but keep coming back to wanting to "right what i did wrong".

Anyway, I have sent ex bf a few emails saying i wanted another chance, but never like this. He did email me the other day, the first time in a month that he has responded (I've been hopeless at the NC thing!!!) He said he was really happy that i was much "clearer", that he missed me, that he would love to remain as friends. And i'm happy with that too, but i feel like if i don't tell him how i really feel, then i may miss out altogether. Hes already back on the dating sites and it scares me that if i dont tell him now how i really feel, it will be too late. He was really in love with me, he tried and tried, and all i did was push him away. I just wonder if sending this letter is the right thing to do.... Would really appreciate the advice!!! Maybe it is too late and hes already moved on in his head. Is there any way i can really show him that i am in such a different place????

 

"I have to say this to you. I have learned that the things you never say are the things you will always regret, and truly, at this point in my life, I have nothing to lose. I’m not saying any of this to screw you around, I have no intention of trying to reel you back in for my own benefit, I am just doing what i know in my heart is right.

 

I have had a lot of time to think about everything. I can very clearly see the many mistakes I have made. The whole time I had with you, I had doubts, mostly about really stupid things. I realise this now. I just wish you would give me a chance. I know I have changed and I know, given the chance, that things could be so different for us. I am not confused anymore; everything is crystal clear to me. I pushed you away because of my past and I will always regret that. However, it has also made me realise what I have lost and also how I really feel. I truly believe we can be good together. I know I have said this numerous times over the past month, but I have to go with my heart instead of my head which I always tend to do. I didn’t make the most of the opportunity that we had, I sabotaged it every step of the way, and I can see that now. I really have changed, now that I have admitted things to myself and let them out and dealt with them. I want to right the wrong things I have done. I know whatever feelings you had for me at the start were not the same at the end, and that’s not surprising considering the way I was acting and i guess i just pushed you away too far. But you felt something, and I did too and I believe if you still feel anything for me that we can be happy together

I know you said at the start that you couldn’t see things changing for the better, and in the place I was in at the time, you were more than likely right. But I am in a different place now. You also said that you would not change, and neither would I, but I already have, just in acknowledging what my issues were all along. I am my normal calm self, I don’t want to spend my life being angry at the world, and arguing over petty things and pushing away people who are important to me. Yes we are still different in many ways, I think more in my head than anything, but I have also realised that most of the trivial stuff we disagreed on was exactly that. Half the time it was just my defence mechanism to disagree with you. It's not who I really am

I understand if you don’t want to, and I don’t want to push you away further by saying this stuff, but I have to do it. I will never forgive myself if I don’t just be totally honest with you or myself, about how I feel. I appreciate very much that you have been kind enough to say that you are cool with being friends, and if all that you can give me is your friendship, then I am also ok with that. But I believe that after all this time, that I REALLY know what I want now, and what I would love more than anything is a chance to prove it to you.

And please don’t just ignore me, if you have no feeling or intention whatsoever in this regard, then that is fine, just tell me. I am more than happy to just be friends; I would really love that regardless. I guess I just really hope that you will give me a second chance."

[shawn_68]

Those feelings are obviously from your heart. Not everybody will agree with me here, but I think you SHOULD let him know.

 

Maybe he has moved on completely and he just wants to be friends. As long as you're ok with that ... I think it's fine.

 

You don't want to live with regrets. Let him know and be at peace with the outcome.

 

Good luck.

[Jane Doe]

If you feel in your heart you want to send it, then do it. However, send it and be done. You've fully placed the ball in his court. If he doesn't respond openly then you need to let it go and move on. You've done your best.

[D-Lish]

I sent similar letters after a similar situation to yours.... and it didn't do anything to sway his decision. he's never answered me...

so as long as your prepared to either get no response, or not get the response you'd like... then go ahead and send it.

I found that just simply writing the letters made me feel better...getting all the stuff out.

 

My ex never responded to me- and I still send him short light hearted e-mails here and there- all to no avail.

 

I too was divorced and jaded, and this caused a lot of problems for me with my recent ex. Are you sure you are over all your demons? It might take more than just a month of NC for him to believe that. The key is to show him you've changed and that you're ready.

 

My ex was back on on-line dating within like 12 hours of us breaking up. That is where we met as well. I can't even bring myself to look up his profile because it breaks my heart to see it.

 

Good luck,

D

[blon_dee]

Thanks everyone for your advice so far... I still havent decided whether to send it or not, on one hand, i feel like after all this no contact from him, he has finally extended the hand of friendship, and i wonder whether to just run quietly with that for a while and see what happens.. Or just send the letter and get it all out in the open... Im still not sure.. D-Lish, oh man, how have you handled your break up so well? I guess you didnt at the start, but you're doing so well now! Ex back online after 12 hours!!!??? My ex wasnt back on for 3 weeks.. But to be honest, i put my profile back on within the first week, more to spite him than anything, which is really childish. I have taken it off again a week ago, and its staying that way at least until the new year. I feel much clearer within myself, i think i was trying not to feel anything for him the whole time i had him, and now hes gone, i have realised my mistakes. And its not just because hes gone and i seemingly cant have him, i truly believe i was shutting myself off to the feelings. Its so hard, knowing he was so willing at the start, and now maybe i've lost him forever. I wish i could wind the clock back a little!!!! Man, its a confusing situation to be in.. I still don't know whats the best thing to do....

[D-Lish]

Thanks everyone for your advice so far... I still havent decided whether to send it or not, on one hand, i feel like after all this no contact from him, he has finally extended the hand of friendship, and i wonder whether to just run quietly with that for a while and see what happens.. Or just send the letter and get it all out in the open... Im still not sure.. D-Lish, oh man, how have you handled your break up so well? I guess you didnt at the start, but you're doing so well now! Ex back online after 12 hours!!!??? My ex wasnt back on for 3 weeks.. But to be honest, i put my profile back on within the first week, more to spite him than anything, which is really childish. I have taken it off again a week ago, and its staying that way at least until the new year. I feel much clearer within myself, i think i was trying not to feel anything for him the whole time i had him, and now hes gone, i have realised my mistakes. And its not just because hes gone and i seemingly cant have him, i truly believe i was shutting myself off to the feelings. Its so hard, knowing he was so willing at the start, and now maybe i've lost him forever. I wish i could wind the clock back a little!!!! Man, its a confusing situation to be in.. I still don't know whats the best thing to do....

 

Your situation and circumstances sound so similar to mine. I really pushed my ex away too. I loved him like crazy.... but I kept testing and testing and pushing... until he finally left. Now I am filled with remorse and regret over it. I think that's been the hardest thing for me to deal with... feeling so guilty for the ways I mistreated him when he loved me.

 

We lasted a year, but I don't think his heart was in it the last few months.

 

Sit on the letter for a bit... reread it- revise it if you feel the need to.

I wrote so many letters I didn't send! It was a good release of emotion.

 

My ex wasn't perfect- he had his demons too... but I loved him in spite of them.

 

LOL, I too put my profile up out of spite right away and then removed it. I am pretty sure my ex did it initially out of spite too.

 

Your ex has opened the door a little bit. And admitting he misses you is a great response to build on. I would try and keep it light at first before sending a lengthy letter pouring out your feelings. It may be too much pressure... maybe not though. You know him best, so you can probably guage a response better than anyone else.

 

Is it appropriate to ask to meet up for coffee or something?

 

In terms of the depression- I too had been battling depression and anxiety. I did take the step to get on the meds and I feel a million times better. I've been on them for three months- and my life has turned around.

 

I wish my ex could see the person I am now. Between the therapy that helped me look at my abandonment issues- and the meds which have rid me of my anxiety...I feel great. Meds aren't for everyone, but they can really help.

 

I really had thought I was ready to enter into a healthy relaitonship with my ex, but I discovered soon after that I still had a whole lot of resolving to do in terms of my divorce and other past issues that have a current impact on my life and relationships.

 

It seems positive that you got a response, it means he still cares. What he needs to see is results and progress- not words. If you can maintain a friendship, that will allow you to show him how far you have come and how hard you are willing to work to have him back in your life.

 

I still have bad days after 3 months. I've lost so much weight, and still have trouble sleeping. But for me, there is no hope of a reconciliation. I think you have a stronger foundation with your ex than I did with mine. At least he seems willing to forgive. That's a good sign.

 

Just proceed lightly. Try and get him to meet you for coffee or a drink. A face to face is better than a letter anyday. It will give you the opportunity to get all dressed up and remind him how attractive you are to him... but a face to face can also show him how far you've come with your issues.

 

:-)

Dee

[blon_dee]

Hey Dee.. Yeah, we sound like we're almost telling the same story! I am already feeling better within myself, i really have worked through my past in the last few weeks. I still refuse to go down the route of the meds, i am seeing the doc again on wednesday, he doesnt know that i stopped after only 3 days. I think i am lucky in that my ex has shown at least a little bit of caring. I wonder whether i am reading into that , that there is a chance, maybe hes just being nice. I have already revised, rewritten, blah blah the letter. I will definately hold off on sending it i think, and try to see him face to face. He even chatted to me on msn this morning, for the first time in over a month. Very brief and awkward really, but i think what you have said is right, i should just sit tight and SHOW him how much better i am. Im just so scared now hes online again, that he will meet someone else before i even get the chance to meet up with him. I mentioned briefly in my reply to his nice letter , that i would love to catch up. He hasnt really commented either way on that.... Thank you so much for your advice.. Its hard to do!!! But i will not send the letter just yet... Although, i guess it gets it out in the open straight up.. I am prepared either way for his response or lack of it, but i will be happy knowing i have tried... I will TRY to hold out though.........

Hugs K