long distance time apart

[ciccio1981]

Hello everyone, i just want to know if anyone had an experience similar to mine and if i can get some advices, because i feel pretty lost right now. So here's my problem:

I've been togheter with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and we did not use to be on a long distance relationship before, because we live in the same town in italy, but about two months ago she moved to belgium to study at the university there for 4 months.

We really had a strong relationship before, so we both were pretty confident in keeping committed to each other while away and in having no problems because it also would be quite a short time.

I went to visit her and everything was great, then she also when back visiting me two weeks ago and we really had some great time back togheter. After that she had some bad time because her grandma died and of course i was not with her to help her.

We kept in touch as usual on skype and on the phone and everything seemed ok but two days ago she tells me that she is so unsure about still loving me because she really rarely thinks about me during her days abroad. I told her to tell me clearly if she had another boyfriend or something happened, but nothing like that.. she says nothing happened to her.

I already have a plane booked for next week and she don't want me to go. She says that it is better is we don't speak for a while, take some time apart and when she will be back in christmas we will try to see what it will be like being togheter again. I really still love her and miss her so much, i can't belive she's telling me this

WHAT SHOULD I DO ?!?!?!?:confused::confused:

[lizzielou]

Is she struggling with school? Maybe she's been incredibly busy and focused, but is freaked out because she realizes her mind isn't always on you like it used to be. Try to be patient and understanding because she is the one away from home.

 

Hopefully, this has just been a test of your relationship's strength and you both will get through it!

[ciccio1981]

well, struggling with school..i really don't think, the courses she is doing are just few and she says it is a lot easyer than what used to be university in Italy, but she had in fact a struggle when this feelings began to arise to her:

When her grandma died, about 20 days ago, she was back in italy for a few days, but she did not went to see her when she was in the hospital bcaz my girlfriend was here for just a couple of days, wanted to see me , and her grandma was like 500km away from our home town.

So she did not go to see her grandma and her grandma died. I just went abroad for work and she went back to belgium so i was not on her side to help her, and she was really sad and of course not thinking about me.

The other thing i realize is that over there she is having a great time being free from the family, doing a lot af party and being really independent, so i understand she is not caring much about me at the moment, but i did not think it would get to telling me that she is not sure about loving me anymore..

I will be patient and understanding bcaz she is so important to me but i really felt she was sooo cold to me now...

Anyway i really hope we will go ahead of this togheter !!

 

Thanx a lot for your interest!!

[Adunaphel]

Perhaps she is just stressed, and her thoughts are elsewhere.

You said her granmother died very recently.

Were they very close?

 

If so, and considered the fact that she is probably feeling guilty that she didn't get to see her granmother before she died, perhaps she could just be trying to take her mind off anything that relates to her average life in Italy, at least for a while.

Concentrating on what is around her right now so she does not have to face some troubling or stressful thoughts.

 

The other possibility is that she might be interested in someone she met in Belgium and feeling confused and unsure about your relationship because of it. I think it's unlikely, though.

Do you trust her?

 

My guess is that she is in an emotional mess right now - possibly also feeling depressed - and she is not really thinking with her read right now.

 

Let her know you are there for her, tell her and show her you care.

I think it's important that she knows that you support her.

 

Good luck with this situation, I hope it will turn out okay.

[ciccio1981]

I really agree with what you say, and i am realizing now that she might be so confused that what she told me is not really what she thinks..

I really trust her, in two year I never lied to her and she always told me if there was a problem, so i don't think she's interested in someone else..

yesterday she wrote me a message, i really did not expect it, and she ended up saying:

"i write you because i fell the need of it...but i am not sure of anything...call me tomorrow when you want to call...a kiss"

But when i spoke to her even after some message she wrote me, i fell it always end up arguing or more like the is no solution now, far away and on the phone.

At the moment i'm really thinking i will go to belgium anyway, even if she tells me not to do it bcaz she fears it will not work out...anyway it will not work out being 1000 km away from each other.

During these days 'll try to be understanding and patient and try to let her be less confused...how?maybe not stressing her on the question would be good..but will she think i don't care??how can i care about her without being stressful on her messy thoughts?? :confused:

Thanx for the interest of everyone!!!!!!

[Adunaphel]

During these days 'll try to be understanding and patient and try to let her be less confused...how?maybe not stressing her on the question would be good..but will she think i don't care??

 

I guess it'a tough one...

Ideally you should try to communicate to her that you are worried and concerned ...not only about your relationship but first and foremost about her, and about how she is doing.

 

I'd ask her if there is anything you can do for her.

I'd also tell her that you'd like to be there for her, but that if she would *really* rather not speak with you for a while you will respect her decision even if it is very difficult for you.

 

I don't know if flying to Belgium is a good idea.

 

...some mind-reading skills could come in very handy.

 

Some girls (and some guys too) will sometimes try to test you in a lot of ways to find out "whether you care or not about them"... but your gf sounds not like she is one of them, judging from what you wrote about her.

 

Whenever she asks you *not* to do something for her, or about her, does she usually mean it?

 

is she a straightforward kind of person?

[ciccio1981]

It is really tough for me i should say, but i understand that it must be so difficult for her too...

She really is straightforward, that s one of the reasons why i like her so much..i don t think she s hiding something..

about the matter when she tells me not to do something...well if she is in a regular state of mind i think she would really mean don t do it, but right now she is so confused and unsure that she might tell me not to go bcause she feels very depressed at the moment..but in my opinion if i go, seeing each other s face again, giving some REAL support to her, being again on her side for a while,would be the only thing that can put our relationship back togheter....if possible.

Tonight i ll call her as she asked me yesterday and i ll see what it comes to, i ll write her a message before though, just to tell her i am always on her side if she would talk or anything...

i m so stressed about it all right now!!!!

Thanx again for all the support!!!

[Guest]

Hello everyone, i just want to know if anyone had an experience similar to mine and if i can get some advices, because i feel pretty lost right now. So here's my problem:

I've been togheter with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and we did not use to be on a long distance relationship before, because we live in the same town in italy, but about two months ago she moved to belgium to study at the university there for 4 months.

We really had a strong relationship before, so we both were pretty confident in keeping committed to each other while away and in having no problems because it also would be quite a short time.

I went to visit her and everything was great, then she also when back visiting me two weeks ago and we really had some great time back togheter. After that she had some bad time because her grandma died and of course i was not with her to help her.

We kept in touch as usual on skype and on the phone and everything seemed ok but two days ago she tells me that she is so unsure about still loving me because she really rarely thinks about me during her days abroad. I told her to tell me clearly if she had another boyfriend or something happened, but nothing like that.. she says nothing happened to her.

I already have a plane booked for next week and she don't want me to go. She says that it is better is we don't speak for a while, take some time apart and when she will be back in christmas we will try to see what it will be like being togheter again. I really still love her and miss her so much, i can't belive she's telling me this

WHAT SHOULD I DO ?!?!?!?:confused::confused:

 

 

Well I think that your relationship still has potential. I think you should go visit her lilke you had planned and just remind her of the amazing moments you've shared. I'm in a similar situation (bf in australia, I'm in canada, 5 month period, it's still going well though) Just think back to when you started dating and look at the picture you have together and then just think back to when you where falling in love, do something to make her remember that feeling.

 

Because her biggest problem is that she's fogotten hom much she really cares about you. She suppressed her thoughts of you to deal wit hher Grandmother's passing and now she can't seem to bring it back. Remember a pivatal moment in your relationship and just redo it for her... You first Valentines day or something. I know my greatest fear is to forget what me and my bf had together.. And I remind myself everyday how happy he makes me.

Best wishes!

[ciccio1981]

I also think there s still a lot of potential, i need to keep on very strong tough...today it is the first day she does not write a message or call me...and i am suffering...

On the matter of letting her think about lovely moments we spent togheter, i am thinking to send her a photo album she gave me with photos of us, and adding some photos of my last trip to belgium and some others...is it a good idea or might it be too intrusive now??

Anyway thanx for the reply and I hope you will keep on getting really good with your relationship!!!

[Guest]

ciao! well, let me give feedback from a gal's point of view.i hope by telling what happened to me you may get the idea. ok..here it is .. i have a bf who lives in the same town yet he is traveling very very often - so it almost like a LDR. I can handle that , since i am an independent and I have a lot of friends ,and extremely busy with work...so even when he is not around i am ok. Yet last month i had a serious conflict with him. But i gave him a chance since i think it may still workable.

 

Lately, i knew a new guy from my friends. And we often hang out together in groups. It was very fun and every moment was enjoyable and i am very happy with him. But i didn't do anything further since i remember that i have a bf. This new guy said that he likes me , and i told them that i cant do this .I did explain to him the reasons.

 

The thing is since i met this new guy, i realize that i will be happier with him rather than with my bf. And the serious conflict i had with my bf make me think to end the relationship.

These days , everytime i met my bf i felt nothing and i never missed him.What i have in mind is work and not him. I am not sure if i still love him. exactly like what your gf said.i became cold and i am sad to be like this to my bf.The new guy went overseas and i didn't do something to make him stay or whatever.

 

i don't suspect your gf cheated you , but maybe something similar happened to her. When you were away and she was in the lowest point in her life and someone came to her ,filled in the "blank".

 

And if there is no serious conflict happened before between u and her, i should say , you still can save your relationship.

yet it is better to be prepared for anything that may happen. don't act clingy..it will only turn her off and dont pressure her.Just do whatever you usually do, don't do something extra ordinary. Good luck..

[ciccio1981]

I am back from belgium, finally i decided to go and see her anyway.

In fact we did not solve any thing, but at least now i understand better what happens and if there will be a chance to continue the relationship, my visit was important for this.

In fact she told me she likes someone else, and it happened that she kissed him. At first I went quite mad about that, but after some time i tought i could go over this because i feel our relation can still be strong.

In fact she told me that still she really enjoys when we are togheter, and also she still have a lot of attraction for me. So she says that she really feels things can be back as before when we will get to see each other again as usual. But there is no point on getting better now.

I spent four days with her and at the beginning it was quite rough, crying and **** and i ended up sleeping in the car i rented. But then we understood each other some better and spent some nice time togheter, feeling pretty much back to the old days. The third night we ended up in bed togheter and even had sex because our attraction was so strong.

So now she says that the only thing that she make tell her that she don't love me is that still, sometimes, she thinks about that other guy -quite weird for me-.

Anyhow, now i am back home and the only thing i can do is not thinking about her, or at least trying to do that to make this time not a total struggle for me. We are keeping in touch just on a few sms at the moment.

I made so much efforts to get to her, to keep on trying to get her, try not to give too much importance to that story with that guy, try to still not be paranoid and all, it was sooooo hard to take the decision to go and see her even if she did not want.

Now i nearly fear that all the love i have for her (that kept me trying so hard untill now) will be going down and down during this waiting if she does not make something to get back to me...it really would be a shame but i am quite disappointed after all that happened.

it really is a bit of a mess :(

[Guest]

hi cicio..

i am sorry to hear what happened to you, but actually i have guessed what had happened to your ex. because it happened to me too.

you and her has a long relationship, and i think it is quite strong , so there is a hope. But you have to give her a second chance if she agree to be faithful to you. I know it is very though to cope this kinda feeling, but if you really love her, you may have to be patient to her.Good luck ...

[ciccio1981]

hello,

i don t know if this will be the last post about my story, but right now i feel my love story has come to an end. I tryed not to hear from her anymore, but she came up writing me sms again and again, I ended up telling her bad things, but i was really nervous. Now she is coming back for 10 days and she wants me to meet her.

I think if i meet her it will be just more suffering for me; so now that i begin to forget her, (or better to think less about her) i don't want to get back in the middle of the struggle.

Plus, when she will come back in january, end of the belgium exchange, she will come over with four friends staying here for a week, one of wich is the guy wich she is having a relationship with!!! :mad:I am raging about that. If i meet that guy it will be some kind of big problem...

I think i just have to leave all the matter...still very hard though..