Is my best friend a friend or not?

[Guest]

I do not know if I should end my friendship of 13 years or keep hanging on?

 

My "best friend" of 13 years has never been a very good friend in a lot of ways. Over the years she has done so many things that have hurt me to no end.

 

Some examples of things she has done that are so hurtful are as follows:

 

On my birthday last year she went to the beach with me for a short while, came back to the house and then said she was going home to exercize. I was let down but she said she would come back over and hang out later. She never called and so later I called her only to be told that she was tired and wanted to just stay home and relax and could we celebrate my birthday another day?

 

I spent a year living abroad. Before I left, I wanted to spend time with her because I knew I would not see her for a long time. She hung out with me once in the beginning of August and never again. I left the end of September. She spent plenty of time with her boyfriend though, and I even told her that I was sad we were not getting together and she said next time she went out she would invite me but never did.

 

I came home for a few weeks at one point during this year abroad and she thought I had to leave on Saturday. She made the most HUGE fuss about how she wished so much that I was not leaving Saturday because she had Saturday off and would have liked to hang out. She went on and on, really making me think that she wished we could get together that day. I checked my airline ticket and thought I did have time after all on Saturday to hang out so I called her. She replied that she would hang out but had some boxes in her house she wanted to unpack on Saturday! On Saturday I went to Wal-Mart and there she was, shopping in the cosmetics aisle!

 

Over the years she has often not been there for me at all. One time I called her crying because I was in a huge fight with my mother and I did not know what to do and I had nowhere to go. She basically said that she was going to dinner with her boyfriend and if I wanted to meet her there I could. I told her I had no clothes to wear (I had ran out of the house in my pajamas and was driving around afraid to go home.) and she said that she did not know what to tell me because they were leaving their place but if I wanted to meet her to just go there. I had no one to turn to (I could not get my boyfriend to answer his phone and other people I went to their house but they were not home) and that night ended up being a nightmare that I have never forgotten.

 

Another time we were to hang out and she would not give me a definite yes or no if we were going. I called her four days before the date and said I really needed to know and she said she would get back to me but never did. Finally the day OF I called her and she said she still did not know! She said she had to work and that she would get off late but if she did want to go out, she would call. I had no minutes on my cell phone and did not want her waking my family up if she called late, so I told her I would put 20 dollars on my phone so she could reach me. (I was leaving the state for a very long time in a few days and knew I would never use those minutes and 20 dollars is the minimum.) She never called and I waited up for her to call. Later she apologized and said that she got off so late and all she ended up doing was going with this girl to a few bars and figured I would not want to do that so she did not call.

 

She has broken plans out of nowhere for no reason, sometimes without even telling me. She calls me every now and then to talk about absolutely nothing important and once every two or three months she will hang out for the day and that is it. But whenever I talk to her she tells me she loves me so much and would do anything for me and how I am so important to her and how she hopes we get to hang out soon, how I will always be her best friend, making me think she really does care about my friendship but then she acts like she does not care. It is confusing.

 

In the spring I finally wrote her a 12 page letter pouring out my heart and telling her how I loved her but how she was hurting me to no end. I told her that a friendship needs to be taken care of, and that she makes me feel like she is only a friend when it is convenient to her to be one. Every now and then she throws me a crumb of her time and then that is it but she has all the time in the world for the men in her life. I told her that I wanted to salvage this friendship and asked her if we could get together and talk about these things and work through it as friends?

 

She called me and left a message on my phone saying "I don't know what to tell you. I am just that way. You know that." She never wrote me a reply or anything and a month or 2 later I got a card for my birthday saying she knew she was not the type of friend I would like but that she loves me anyways. That was it. To me it came across as "I am just that way. I do hurtful things. You just need to accept it because I do not care to try and stop hurting you. I am hurtful and you know that."

 

So I figured I just had to deal with this. I tried to stay friends. It was always the same though. She would call every now and then and talk for 5 minutes about nothing and then in the 6 months I have been home we have hung out one time. I always felt like when we hang out, she feels she is doing me a favor. The last time we hung out I was in the car with her and another person and she talked on the cell phone to this girl for like 10 minutes and then the other person was doing something annoying and she said to the girl on the phone, "sometimes I have to hang out with the animals. Today is my community service day." It really upset me but she said she did not mean me but the other person but still that is how I feel, that she is doing me this big favor.

 

She wants me to be the maid of honor at her wedding but I am so hurt I cannot imagine saying nice things about her the way I feel right now. To me, a friend should BE a friend all the time, not just when they feel like it or if it is convenient. She shuts me out of her life but then she invites me in at the same time when she says how much she loves me, etc. She has the most beautiful personality of anyone I have ever known and she is so convinving that she really does care about me.

 

What should I do? Should I just accept that she is this way and stay friends? It hurts so much and I keep trying but it is so hurtful. She constantly makes me feel like I am not important to her because she never wants to get close or do things or anything like that. I feel like I do not matter to her at all most of the time and that is so hurtful because she matters a lot to me. Or should I end the friendship?

[norajane]

I'm pretty clueless as to why you consider her a best friend.

 

She's right, though. You either accept her for what she is and the kind of friendship she can maintain, or you don't. She's obviously not going to change since she's been like this for years. If you feel like she's not interested, then you just let the friendship drift away. It happens quite a lot. There's certainly no need for you to constantly be upset and hurt over it. You have the option of letting it all go.

 

As to the wedding, that's entirely up to you. You don't have to agree to be her maid of honor.

[lizzielou]

I'm thinking the same thing as Nora Jane -- I don't understand how you consider her a best friend. It feels good when someone tells you how much they love you, but I believe that often times, actions speak louder than words.

 

Yeah, maybe that is just how she is. But that's also not what I consider best friend material (it's more like a distant friend). Does she expect more of you? It's probably not in your nature, but what if the tables were turned and she was your friend only when it was convenient to you?

 

I do have a friend who is pretty self-consumed like this, and I know I could probably never depend on her. A really good friend would be dependable. That's the essence of a friend. People like this are cool to hang out with sometimes, but I otherwise won't expect a deeper friendship.

 

Not sure on what to say about you being her maid of honor. Keep in mind that bridesmaids -- especially the maid of honor -- usually help the bride with many things. Would she be the type to ask you to help her with a lot of planning? Are you up for that? Could you really make one of those wedding speeches about how good of friends y'all have all been? About how she's been there for you through thick and thin, and her husband is a lucky guy?

[Grrlish]

The two of you have very different expectations for the details of how this friendship takes place.

 

What I can't understand is why you would continue to have the same expectations about someone for 13 years when those expectations appear to be incongruent with her behavior?

 

I believe that if she did not love you or value your friendship, no way she would ask you to be her maid of honor. Truly, I think that your expecations for how this friendship should manifest are different than hers. If you can't accept her as she is, it may be time for you to part ways. Not all friendships...even long term ones...don't always last forever.

 

Some of my closest and dearest friends have 'characteristics' that drive me up the wall. One of them cannot commit to doing ANYTHING until the very last minute - everything from going for a run together to taking off for the weekend. I finally decided to quit being hurt and exasperated by her fickleness (which she herself calls it), and once a certain point on the clock/calendar is past, I make other plans. Or if I decide to give her until the last minute, then if she winds up not joining me, it was my choice to put myself in that position.

 

I have another friend who is a wonderful person but is a little shallow. We live very different lives and while I admire her life and have a lot of respect for what she's accomplished, she is a little jealous of mine sometimes. She issues the occasional dig out of her insecurity, and it hurts my feelings. I usually choose to forgive her without saying anything. But in choose this approach - by not saying anything - I choose to forfeit the option to throw it in her face later.

 

Another good friend of mine comes to visit but acts like she's on vacation instead of visiting me. She is a single mom and I finally just had to accept that coming to visit me (and I live in a resort community) IS like a mini-vacation for her. So, if she wants to go hang out in the party places while she's here, then I can choose to go with her or she can go alone. I usually 'split the difference' with her (one night partying, one night hanging out) now.

 

By allowing someone to treat you a certain way, you're telling them that it's okay to treat you that way.

 

We have to accept other adults as they are, at face value, and if they don't fit into our lives, then we don't have to keep them in our lives. Time does not necessarily lead to obligation.

 

You need to turn to other friends to fill the gaps that this particular friendship leaves in your life.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting about this. Good luck in making choices that will make you feel better about this association.

[whichwayisup]

Lower your expectation level of the friendship and accept her for who she is. Detach abit too, and then this stuff won't bug you as much.

 

If you want to still be friends with her, that's fine, but don't count on her for the big things as she sounds like a flake.

 

And, you don't have to discuss this with her, eventually your mindset about her and the actual friendship will change - Either you'll be casual buddies for a long time or it will end on his own. Sometimes people grow apart, and when that happens it's best to just let it happen.