After 11 years...

[reeling]

My girlfriend/fiancee/bestfriend of 11 years left me a little over a month ago.At this point I still can't get over her ...in fact things are getting worse...I feel like I can't go on......I don't want to go on.

 

Some backround.....She was my high school sweetheart and a friend since 12 yrs old.We both had other long term relationships, but we started going out seriously @ 18.

 

She helped me through tough times....stood by me when I was jailed for a crime I didnt commit(and at trial exonerated).I made some mistakes in our time together, took her for granted, did things I regretted and regret till this day.I hate myself for it immensely.Not to give the impression that I'm some monster...we had many more tender moments than bad ones.I always tried to tell her/show her how much she meant to me.

 

But the trial which was long and drawn out had an effect on me...made me an angry person....not directed at her .....but I guess just angry at the world.It also left me w/ some anxiety issues....I felt I was left w/ a bad name even after being aquitted.I wasnt able to get over these issues, and I think it took a toll on our relationship.

 

Anyway I took a trip this past October 12...2 days.I called her each night, told her 2 days away felt like an eternity, I missed her, we both said "I love you" and hung up.Looking back now, I think maybe I could sense something was wrong, I don't know.

 

Now I'm in he airport ready to board the plane to return home.I call her to tell her what time I'm comming in....there's a long pause....She says... "I moved out, it's over" Ithe look on my face must have said it all....the whole airport turned to look at me.....it was bad.She hangs up on me.I'm stuck on a plane for 11 hours....just reeling.

 

I get home the apartment.... empty.... save for my things.I've tried to talk to her and get some hope for the future.She tells me we'll never get back together and she felt like she had to leave me in this manner...she didnt know how I'd react.Now she tells me she needs her space, not to contact her, which i've managed not to do now for a month, despite urges to.The one time I talked to her I saw a different person...one who've I havent seen in the whole time we've know each other...since 12 year old kids.

 

I'm just heart broken beyond belief...shocked ..stunned.I mean, the day before I left for the trip we were talking about getting a house, kids, the whole nine.I just can't get past it.I lost it all in one swoop...my dreams and future gone.My life is meaningless....which I know is the wrong way to think...hell I've even went to a psychcologist 5 times to talk about things...to no avail.I just hate myself its all consuming...i just want to die.She was my family when nobody was around and a best friend and my strength..she was my life.I can't see where to go from here.

 

Sorry for the long post .

[reeling]

damn...after reading the thread compiled by TheKhris, I made alot of those mistakes.Like one poster replied, it did give me some inspiration.

 

I just dont want to feel like this inside.