confused_too_much Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 I am 30 she is 24 (coming 25), we live 100 miles apart though distance was never an issue. She broke up with me a little over 3 weeks ago. Heres the story to what led to her decision. We met 2 years ago at a wedding, hit it off pretty well and stayed together 3-4 (sometimes longer) days a week (usually weekend). I practically gave my life up for her... not intentionally, it just kinda happened. About 3 months ago she asked for a break, a two week break from each other. We did that but kept in contact throughout the break!! it was pointless and didnt do anything. When we did get back together we resumed exactly where we were before the break. That wasnt a good idea. Anyway it wasnt long, about a month or so, until I could feel "pressure" building inside her until one morning she woke and said "look, it's over, I dont know what I feel, I dont know if it will ever be the same, I just know I need to be alone - I need space and time to figure stuff out". That broke me up, did the whole beg and plead act at first then remained in light contact, sometimes losing my mind and sending one too many texts (with no reply). So we ended our "contact" mid last week. On a good note. She said "I just need time, I need to be alone, thats all I know". She also said to me "Dont revert to your old behaviour, just get stuck in your work and focus on positive things and move on"... what she means by not reverting to my old behaviour is not to sleep around... I used to get a lot of girls before I met her. She has said that she really was in love with me and still cares for me, she has told me it's not about her being with another man it's about her wanting to be alone for a while. Now I am going NC strictly so I can focus on myself for a while... you know... get my life back kinda thing. I do love her and I genuinely believe she still has feelings for me, they are simply drowned by her decision. We both are pretty similar in personality and a little eccentric. Her entire family got on well with me and her friends thought I was the best fella she ever had - I was also the longest. She was also in an abusive rel before. I wasnt a wuss at all, though I did become a little insecure towards the end but thats mainly due to me making her my life. I felt insecure and needy. I am feeling a lot better now but truely feel we could work. We did so much together and really we never had any problems (little arguments here and there, nothing which couldnt be resolved). We were pretty much tied to the hip for those 2 years. I would like some advice if anyone has it. I was thinking of giving it a few weeks and asking her to coffee.
Scruffy Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 I was thinking of giving it a few weeks and asking her to coffee. NO! Don't make that mistake. Look you are in NC for a reason. You need to listen to what she is saying before you make things worse. She says she needs to be alone. That doesn't mean you ask her out for coffee when YOU think the time is right. Stick to NC and leave her alone. TRUST ME! Just because you are feeling better doesn't mean she is.
norajane Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Has she said what is this "stuff" she needs to figure out? I wouldn't bother with asking her out for coffee. She knows who you are, what you are, and where you are. She knows how you feel about her and that you want her in your life. There's nothing you can say or do that's going to make her want you back - she needs to choose that. So, give her the time and space she asked for. She may or may not come back. Either way, get on with your life. If she comes back, deal with it then, but don't contact her. She really needs to feel "alone" to see if she's just taking you for granted, or if she's really fallen out of love with you.
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Sorry but he doesn't owe her anything. She dumped him. If you're looking to start it up again, don't. I agree that NC is the way to go. On the other hand, if you're looking for an explanation for finality, she owes it to you.
Author confused_too_much Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 Has she said what is this "stuff" she needs to figure out? I wouldn't bother with asking her out for coffee. She knows who you are, what you are, and where you are. She knows how you feel about her and that you want her in your life. There's nothing you can say or do that's going to make her want you back - she needs to choose that. So, give her the time and space she asked for. She may or may not come back. Either way, get on with your life. If she comes back, deal with it then, but don't contact her. She really needs to feel "alone" to see if she's just taking you for granted, or if she's really fallen out of love with you. Stuff being her feelings etc, what she wants. taking me for granted...! ok I think she did take me for granted, well started to anyway coming to the end. look... guys, we really were great together, it just kinda got mundane and with me always being there nothing ever changed. She moved from a pretty big city to small country town (where she grew up) so there really wasnt much to do, 3 pubs, one restraunt. She even said once before "why dont you go out with your friends more". I never realised how much I had made her my life until now. The more I see where it all went wrong the more I kick myself
Author confused_too_much Posted November 20, 2006 Author Posted November 20, 2006 My ex is my sisters husband's cousin... obviously I know her family etc. My sisters children's christening was on Sunday gone, I told my ex I may not go to it and she fully knows why because I told her - her family would have been there, I told my sister why I believed I shouldnt go (you know... I need to heal). My ex knows exactly why I didnt want to go!!! Ok so today she sent a text "Hope your ok, my mum said you were'nt at the christening". That was it. I havnt replied and I am not reading too much into it at all. What is odd is that she knows why I wasnt going to go - I have told her, it just seems like a daft question to ask when she already knows the answer. It's been now 5 days of complete NC, no calls, texts, emails, absolutely nothing. She'd at least got a call by now especially after weekend. I aint looking into it too much (maybe I am - can you blame me) but it was quite unexpected to get a text ESPECIALLY when she already knows the reason why I didnt want to go.
ddnnee Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 i wouldn't be suprised if next week you post about how she was actually dating a new guy all along and needed space to finalize the relationship with the new boy. happens all the time.
Author confused_too_much Posted November 21, 2006 Author Posted November 21, 2006 ddnnee, I understand what your saying but I am pretty certain there was and still is NO other guy on the side line, flings maybe (when we were broken-up) - I have had some flings so cant complain! ...I've been chatting to her recently, all initiated by her. I am pretty certain there isnt now and never was another guy. To be quite honest I dont really mind if she really does move on emotionally... it's really not my loss. I am feeling a lot better now and to be honest if I wanted to get a "new" partner NOW I could - thats not really much of a problem. Not meaning to be cocky or arrogant or anything... not my loss mate and she knows it, and I have a funny feeling she is beginning to realise this, as each day passes and I become ME again and she inches closer to actually losing me for GOOD I am sensing a bit of "panic" on her side.... I'm pretty certain if you dont chase, dont whine, seem like you dont mind they DO begin to think! either way I am moving on and if she wants to try again I am gonna make her work for it.
JLK Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 confused_too_much, your story sounds alot like mine! and I have to agree with Trialbyfire and ddnnee This is my first post here! This forum is great, and you sound like me with the pain and hurt. I have a hard time with the NC stuff. I have called, e-mailed, sent flowers and sweet cards etc, etc... But NC from her! We had become such wonderful friends and lovers over three years I just couldn't stand this pain and trying to cope with NC from her. This women one day was saying I love you and talking about a future together and the next day it's over. Here it is six weeks later and I can only get a few hours sleep each night and can hardly eat. I still believe there is always more going on that we don't know about when we get dumped so quickly by someone and it happens all the time to people. Do we ever get the real excuse why we are being dumped. So with me its as the old saying goes, what comes around goes around, and that's just what I did. I took all the gifts, cards and whatever I could find in my home that she gave me and boxed them up. I deleted all the e-mails and pictures of us off my computer, plus I took her numbers out of my phones. I then called her cell and left a message that I was going to leave something on her door step. With the stuff I left a letter saying how much I cared and loved her, nothing bitter and I hope you have a wonderful life. I feel so much better now knowing she can move on if thats what she wants and there's now sign of her in my house. Do I still hurt and miss her, sure I do as much as anyone who's madly in love but I refuse to have some sort of false hope with the NC that she is going to come back around. She can go do whatever she needs to while I heal, I have no regrets. It's called the reverse dump on someone who's dumped you for whatever reason. Let them realize they have hurt you and that you want the reminders of them out of your life. This all may sound a little childish to some but I feel ok and I know when we get dumped that it's probably over for good. Just my two cents worth!
Author confused_too_much Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 i edited this post because it was irrelevant
ktec Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Dude, i cant even begin to say how similar your situation is to mine. I'm 30, she is 26. We also live 100 miles apart, tho as you said that was never an issue, and i also spent much of my time down there with her, having a great time with both her and all her friends and family. They all loved me, and i loved them, things were great. Then suddenly she decided is wasnt going to work. She didnt even try to talk to me about it, and even though i spent many hours questioning her reasons, she could never give me a definite answer. She would always agree we have been best friends, a fastatic sex life, in my mind everything couldnt be better. I'm devastated. Exactly the same feelings as many people on here describe, confusion, problems eating, sleeping, concentrating. I honestly believe(d) she was my soul mate. She wants to stay friends, she even suggests i'm the one "throwing that away", because i'm the one who cant stand by and watch her fall in love with someone else. In my mind i'm desperate for her to change her mind, but i really cant see it happening, most of my friends tell me once a girl makes a decision like this, she never changes her mind. She finished with me last week, we spoke for several hours each night after that until i said i cant keep going. I had a "strong" day yesterday where i got it in my head if i acted like i was "over her" so soon she would get confused and i arranged to meet up with her in a weeks time, when hopefully she would question her decision. Today i dont have that confidence and now i regret suggesting to meet. I think it will only serve to hurt me further as we'll end up going round in circles. God knows how to play this one out, mate but seriously i feel for you. I did the same giving up my life to hang out with her, and now she's still there with all her great friends and family around her and i'm back here trying to pick up the pieces alone. I wish you loads of luck with your NC, and keep posting here, i'm really interested to see how things pan out for you...
Author confused_too_much Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 ktec All I can say is that it seems our ex's have taken us for granted. The best thing, and what seems to be getting some sort of response, is to act like nothing is wrong and have fun. When/if she contacts you be funny, charming and a little flirty (just like when you met) I am noticing some odd things happening when I do this. Women do not like weak, needy, wussy guys. Do not beg, cry, show your true emotions. If you say something like for example "ya know... I've missed you" (in a happy way) do not wait for a reply... if you say something and they say nothing back it speaks volumes! I dunno man. Women are odd. When you start acting like a man they seem to like it My ex is enjoying when we talk. It's just a matter of time. Be confident, never ask about guys and if they ask you about girls just laugh it off, dont ask such question as to what she may be getting up to - that denotes neediness! I've asked "so you guys heading out this weekend" she'd say yeah, I'd say "aye we're all heading out to bla bla bla". Confidence, act cool, YOU have a happy social life, she wonders if you're flinging with strange girls - then let her wonder!!! It's important you do not change this attitude even if she decides it's over. My advice get out and enjoy yourself and do not let her get to you. as soon as she sniffs you are enjoying life without her and actually getting the attention of other girlies things will change!!! Our cases seems to be smothering and the EX taking us for granted... they will be back!!!! have faith dude - if not your new attitude to life will certainly attract other ladies - luckily for me this was the way I was when we first met! wtf happened???
ktec Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 too much!! You speak many words of wisdom, much the same as most of the advice in "The Game" et al. I'll reply tomorrow, leaving work now, surfice to say i agree with you entirely. Thankyou though, you have helped solidify my decisions yesterday that i will be strong and confident and charming, just like i was when we first met, i will not allow her to see my emotions, as you quite rightly said, this is what creates attraction for women.
ladibird Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Hi Confused to Much I Know your moving on but I do think it's a bit harsh that you keep saying she took you for granted, I don't understand why? These things happen I've been with my partner 5 yrs and I'm the one who wants to be on my own I'm 30 with a child and married (wow makes feel like an old house wife) sometimes times you just need to move on and maybe she wanted to do it before you got as far as I did, Cos believe me it's alot harder and I ain't done it yet. Can I ask? you mentioned in your first post she was in an abusive relaionship before you, did she start going out with you soon after this relationship? I do want to congratulate you on giving the cigs up nice one.... and I do know what you mean about throwing yourself into things so you don't have think about the bad S**t it is the best way and will probably be doing a bit of that myself next year. Stick to your guns with what your doing and if she does want you back make sure it's 100% genuine and not just cos she's jealous that your getting on with ur life.. Good luck
demilde Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 Dude, i cant even begin to say how similar your situation is to mine. I'm 30, she is 26. We also live 100 miles apart, tho as you said that was never an issue, and i also spent much of my time down there with her, having a great time with both her and all her friends and family. They all loved me, and i loved them, things were great. Then suddenly she decided is wasnt going to work. She didnt even try to talk to me about it, and even though i spent many hours questioning her reasons, she could never give me a definite answer. She would always agree we have been best friends, a fastatic sex life, in my mind everything couldnt be better. I'm devastated. Exactly the same feelings as many people on here describe, confusion, problems eating, sleeping, concentrating. I honestly believe(d) she was my soul mate. She wants to stay friends, she even suggests i'm the one "throwing that away", because i'm the one who cant stand by and watch her fall in love with someone else. In my mind i'm desperate for her to change her mind, but i really cant see it happening, most of my friends tell me once a girl makes a decision like this, she never changes her mind. snap!!! almost identical to my situation. Still don't know the real reasons, and guess I never will. Said I'd take the 'friends' situation easy in a few months, but like you how can you be happy seeing the person you really want to be with fall for someone else. I guess the only reason to offer the friendship is to let them see you for what you are. NC helps to generate the 'miss you' factor, but they need to see the whites of your eyes to fall for you again.
Author confused_too_much Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 ladibird - the abusive rel was about 2 years prior to meeting me. I say she took me for granted because I was always there.... you know yourself when someone is into you, right? You know it, I mean man, for 2 years (excluding a month or two) she talked about me with friends, she showed my pictures to college buddies (she just graduated - I was with her through some tough times) I'd meet her in college, she'd show me around and introduce me to everyone, she knew I was always there for her - she trusted me 110%!!! I was always there, I didnt have problems with her behaviour (I have a very relaxed attitude) You take what you know will always be there for granted sometimes, be it water? electricity? heat? money? know what I mean? I dont mean to patronise you and I apologise if I seem like I am I also knew her family before we met!!! It was one of her cousins who said to me at dinner one time "hey you and my cousin would get on well"... we met at a wedding and hit it off perfectly! We were joined at the hip!! I was never jealous, unfaithful, I never lied (maybe a white one here and there) I never tried to control her I was the total opposite of her previous long term... he was a jerk, tried to change her, didnt like her mates, got overly jealous... the list goes on, he even abused her physically, I know and felt this played on her... sometimes she seemd to feel comnfortable with me being a little "nasty", if you follow.... ...I feel she started to take what she had for granted - that being ME. I know the girl and she is like this with things she feels will always be around, if that makes sense? Fair enough she has been trying to change herself for herself and I do believe we probably will see each other again, maybe even before xmas. We were good together, I wasnt always such a push over, that just happend coming to the end and the fact that I became a little dependant on her too probably just pushed her a little too far. Time is my friend and she has contacted me and it's been positive. I know she knows she's let go of someone she can trust and who accepts her and her bad habits as well as her lifestyle and friends.... I am an easy going laid back kinda guy, and easy to talk to. In that way I meet all her needs, I really feel she took me for granted.... she also felt smothered and trapped, you know she was like "damn man, go out with your friends...." ya know? (this was hard cos we live 100 miles apart - distance was never an issue - my friends are here. I had to endure "gilr" nights out and to be honest, if it were now I would ask before going down if she planned on a girlie night out and if it was the case I would stay here) ...well now I have started doing the single life thing and now she is curious! She knows me and she knows what I was like and I KNOW that is playing on her mind.... this aint some game I am playing but man I have to show her I am the guy she met and fell in love with and not that guy I became! ....nothing a bit of space and time cant fix. I am playing it real cool and having fun. It works, she will come round eventually and all will be well. I am positive. if nothing happens then so be it - there are more girls out there... I do hope something will happen with us again but I expect nothing to soon. sorry for the long rant hehe And I think being a house wife is an amazing and challenging job. My sister is a mother and I admire her greatly. Very tough! not for me I'm afraid.
Author confused_too_much Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 too much!! most of my friends tell me once a girl makes a decision like this, she never changes her mind. She changed her mind about being with you didnt she? Look... man, I am convinced that if there was love in the first place then you can help the process of her feelings resurfacing. I had a girl before who left me not once, not twice but three times! she never changed her mind? that didnt work because I didnt change. Change yourself, make you better, if there was love she WILL be back. Just hope man and expect nothing.
ladibird Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Before I start let me say I'm not a house - housewife, I do go out to work, there is no way on earth I could stay at home all day every day.(no offence to people that do, just not my cup of tea). I hear what your saying about being took for granted but if you think that of your ex then my H will probably think that of me, maybe why I stuck up for her. I hope she does come back to you cos you've put alot of effort in, just like you said don't let that spice go when you do get her back, keep her on her toes, wine & dine her and do spontaneous things that she won't expect, you have no ties you can do it all. Like you said make sure you both have your lads & girl nights out (it's important). I asked about the abusive relationship, cos I was the same b 4 I met my H, my ex was a complete pratt (keep it clean). He didn't like any of my friends, didn't like me going out and was physically abusive too, but I met H the night b 4 I dumped pratt, i got swept of my feet cos he was completley the opposite NICE and dependable, don't get me wrong I did get all the butterflys and everything else was pretty good to. But we've had a very sad relationship with alot of losses, so now i feel like I need to escape, do my own thing and if I don't I'll end up bitter and doing something that i've already done that I shouldn't have CHEAT. So Confused hope all goes well and I do hope she comes back to you, but if not there definately is plenty more fish in the sea and you've learned from this one.. Take care, have a good one and all the best..........
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