Kathy Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Hi, here's my story in a summary. I am in my 40's. My EH is too. I was a widow of 2 years when I met my now ex. I had a child 3 years old at the time. He was divorced because his EW cheated on him. So we had both had that happen in our pasts and totally understood the hurt it causes. Thought it would never happen to us. It did. In between his divorce and getting with me he had a thing for a co-worker. They would party after work etc. This co-worker was married but in a troubled marriage. She had numerous A's on her hubby and broke up several marriages while maintaining her own. Then she got divorced. Then she broke up another marriage. Kids involved the whole bit. Got a DUI one night and killed her boyfriend in an accident. Two months later, my hubby behind my back called her to "see how she was doing". I found out a week later that he had been texting her, calling her, met with her etc. In a span of 5 days I was told he loved her and wanted a divorce. Here I was in our new house, not working, and with a son. To make a long story short. He moved in with her one day. I moved out the next. We are divorced and she now lives in our home. He has been cold and cruel until recently. My son who is 11 is seeing him because of he is the only dad he has ever known and this has messed him up. Angry feelings etc. I did all the wrong things too. Cried, begged etc to no avail. I am starting NC except for issues with my child. Sorry so long.
Author Kathy Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 Forgot to add. This happened in May and we have been divorced about a month now. Any advice?
tikigods Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Honestly since the kid isn't even his I would suggest jsut cutting him out of your life completely, doesn't sound like he is worth even a second glance back
Author Kathy Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 Honestly since the kid isn't even his I would suggest jsut cutting him out of your life completely, doesn't sound like he is worth even a second glance back I absolutely know what you're saying. My son has ADHD and began to act out so bad, towards me, life and in attitude. When questioned why, he said he had anger about the situation and wanted to see him. He hadnt seen him for about 6 months. I dont know if what Im doing is right, but I look at it as this is the only Dad he's known and he misses his step siblings. I want to do what is right for him to be ok, regardless of my pain. Does that make sense?
pureinheart Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Wow....is it okay for me to pray for you? How are you doing now? My daughter just got out of a bad relationship and my oldest grandchild was angry during this relationship....he is only 3, but is very intelligent and aware....he is doing much better now and not acting out. Well, I hope you are ok now
Author Kathy Posted November 20, 2006 Author Posted November 20, 2006 Yes thank you pureinheart, I would like that. Im doing ok. Its hard. I still have feelings but Im trying my darnest to get over them. Its put a whole new talespin on things for sure. I feel so betrayed. Like everything was a lie. My son seems to do better now that he sees him. My only concern is I dont want my son to think its normal or ok what "Dad" did. I dont want to drill him on that and I know he realizes how much "Dad" hurt me. He always says "You dont need him Mom".
D-Lish Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Yes thank you pureinheart, I would like that. Im doing ok. Its hard. I still have feelings but Im trying my darnest to get over them. Its put a whole new talespin on things for sure. I feel so betrayed. Like everything was a lie. My son seems to do better now that he sees him. My only concern is I dont want my son to think its normal or ok what "Dad" did. I dont want to drill him on that and I know he realizes how much "Dad" hurt me. He always says "You dont need him Mom". I think you are doing a noble thing by encouraging your son to maintain a friendship with your ex. I imagine it must be difficult....but it sounds like it's the right thing to do for your son. It speaks volumes about your character as a human being. Children are often more in tune to the adult world than they receive credit for. It sounds like he is able to put the situation in the proper perspective. There are all the reasons in the world for you to be vendictive toward your ex, but you are choosing not to. You should be proud of yourself. Your exes new woman sounds absolutely wretchid! I doubt someone as self destructive as you have described her to be will be able to maintain any sort of healthy relationship. Your ex doesn't sound like much of a stand up guy either. When the smoke clears and the heartbreak subsides you'll be thankful that he's not in your life anymore. I know that's little consolation right now when the wound is so fresh- but man you sound like a strong, rational woman. We kick ourselves for the crying and the begging- but hey, you loved the person, and he hurt you terribly. It's only natural to have that initial reaction. You've been through hell and back more than once- so you know you have the emotional tools to get through this. You deserve much better than this.... keep telling yourself that. D
Author Kathy Posted November 20, 2006 Author Posted November 20, 2006 Thank you so much D for the comments. I really appreciate it. Yes, Im trying very hard not to be bitter. I wont let that control my very being. Those kind of feelings are like a cancer and will consume you. Im not saying I havent been angry about it in the beginning. Oh trust me I was. But Ive been through alot and Im trying to just accept that maybe God has something better in mind for me. Im taking this time to work on myself and what I need to do. I have started NC with the X. Only speak briefly and only about my son when he picks him up. My life will go on.
D-Lish Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Thank you so much D for the comments. I really appreciate it. Yes, Im trying very hard not to be bitter. I wont let that control my very being. Those kind of feelings are like a cancer and will consume you. Im not saying I havent been angry about it in the beginning. Oh trust me I was. But Ive been through alot and Im trying to just accept that maybe God has something better in mind for me. Im taking this time to work on myself and what I need to do. I have started NC with the X. Only speak briefly and only about my son when he picks him up. My life will go on. Yep, your life will go on. And as much as it sounds like a cliche, we really do get a little stronger each time life and love kicks us in the ass. My ex husband and I seperated for a few months to figure out where our relationship was heading- and during that time he "accidentally" got another woman pregnant during a one night stand. I was so angry at first, so bitter and out of my head with sadness. But you know what? I forgave him and we are still friends now. Even though we don't have children together- he was an important part of my life for many, many years.... so after many months of turmoil and angst, we remained on friendly and supportive terms. He is now remarried to this girl (unhappily), and they are raising their son together. He reminds me when we speak that it speaks volumes about my character that I forgave him. My point is that life really does go on after you think your world is falling apart. It sounds like you have already experienced a loss previous to this nasty ex that you were able to overcome and move forward from. That's testimony to your strength as a human being. You'll love again, and because of your experiences, you'll look for a better more worthy partner with the next man that comes into your life. People really can overcome anything if they put their mind to it. You're truly being unselfish here- when you have every right to be nasty and bitter. You've chosen to look after your son in the best way possible- even if that means having to remain quasi-pleasant to your ex for your son's sake. I commend you for that. D
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