Guest Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Well, I have been posting here for a while. Mostly in the infidelity forum. My husband cheats. Has been for a very long time. I have been thinking of leaving him.... but I never did. But what I am battling is so complicated and makes me no better then him. Through all the pain he has caused me and the std and the lies....I still love him very much.....but I did the one thing I myself was devistated over. I cheated. On in impulse I thought.......well he is not here.....and I feel so lonely and used....I might as well. And after all was said and done, I felt so empy inside. It doesn't matter if my husband was cheating or not....what I did was wrong. I feel so much pain from it. I wanted to feel needed and wanted ...........and for that moment I was......but after, I did not know what I did it for. It wasn't worth it. I don't even know if I want to work it out with my husband sometimes....but then some days I do! I love him more then anything, I just wish I knew why I was never good enough. Now that I have slept with another man.......I wonder if he has ever felt this remorse......its almost like I stepped inside his shoes. It felt horrible and wrong. I know that I don't ever want to do that again. I was not ready to put myself out there like that. What do I do? My dilemma is.....what if I want to work things out with my husband.....and to see if he could really change......do I tell him what I have done? Although i have put up with all the OW.....I don't know for sure if he would let that go. I truly feel very remorseful and sick about it. I woke up this morning feeling dirty ...... and lonely. Please, I need help! I'm so lost right now!
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Yes, tell him what you've done. Two wrongs don't make a right. If he isn't willing to stop seeing OW and stop his cheating, then why stay married to him? What can he really give you? An STD, pain, mistrust, no honesty, a broken heart? IS it worth it if he's not willing to change and go to marriage counselling? Some counselling for you might help, so please consider that.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 DON'T tell him!!!! You will only be doing it so you don't feel so guilty... It is true that two wrongs don't make a right and I really don't see how telling him will help anything...If anything it will hurt your position from what you've said about the type of man he is... Use this as a wake-up call...what do YOU want out of life? What does your H want out of life? Are you going to be able to reconcile the two? Do you WANT to reconcile the two? YOU cannot be the only one trying to make it work... Tell him what you need and if he refuses to work on it, you know where you stand and need to find a way to go it on your own...M is meant to be a PARTNERSHIP meaning two people working together towards a common goal...It was not meant to be a torture chamber and it sounds like that is what you're living in right now... Best wishes to you...
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 She owes to him to decide if he wants to still be with her. She knows about his affair, so why it is not cool for her to tell him about hers? Honesty, and being upfront about everything is the only way they, together can work things out. If he finds out in a year or even two years that she cheated on him too and didn't come clean then, how are they to really trust eachother? He deserves the same right as you, knowing about the affair.
norajane Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 If he won't end his affair, I don't see how you can possibly work anything out with your husband. I just wish I knew why I was never good enough. You are good enough. It's only his affair that is making you think you aren't. Maybe it's time to consider whether ending your marriage might be the best thing for you. I can't imagine why you'd want to spend the rest of your life married to a man who makes you feel like you're not good enough. You see what that leads to: an affair of your own, which has made you feel even worse about yourself.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 She owes to him to decide if he wants to still be with her. She knows about his affair, so why it is not cool for her to tell him about hers? Honesty, and being upfront about everything is the only way they, together can work things out. If he finds out in a year or even two years that she cheated on him too and didn't come clean then, how are they to really trust eachother? He deserves the same right as you, knowing about the affair. She owes him?! He gave her an STD and he continues to cheat over and over...I don't think she owes him anything...
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 what if I want to work things out with my husband IF she wants to work things out with him, then she has to be honest too. I say again, two wrongs don't make a right. She owes him that IF THEY Choose to fix their marriage. If she doesn't want to, then she should divorce him and move on.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 IF she wants to work things out with him, then she has to be honest too. I say again, two wrongs don't make a right. She owes him that IF THEY Choose to fix their marriage. If she doesn't want to, then she should divorce him and move on. WWIU: I have to respectfully disagree...even counselors will tell you NOT to tell your S/O...What if he turns out to be abusive and murders her? Could happen... I suggest that the poster see a counselor immediately...While we are all giving our best advice with good intentions, I don't think that their are any licensed counselors here...
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 WWIU: I have to respectfully disagree...even counselors will tell you NOT to tell your S/O...What if he turns out to be abusive and murders her? Could happen... I suggest that the poster see a counselor immediately...While we are all giving our best advice with good intentions, I don't think that their are any licensed counselors here... Huh? Where did that come from? You're assuming alot here, that he would murder her or abuse her because she cheated on him. She hasn't said anything about him becoming violent! All she has said is he may not get past her cheating. WHich to me, is kind of stupid seeing has he's been cheating on her as well. I agree she needs to talk to a professional to help her cope. She has said in her own post that she feels awful for cheating. I don't believe that she will feel good about herself if she doesn't tell him...
GreenEyedLady Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Huh? Where did that come from? You're assuming alot here, that he would murder her or abuse her because she cheated on him. She hasn't said anything about him becoming violent! All she has said is he may not get past her cheating. WHich to me, is kind of stupid seeing has he's been cheating on her as well. I agree she needs to talk to a professional to help her cope. She has said in her own post that she feels awful for cheating. I don't believe that she will feel good about herself if she doesn't tell him... I am not saying that it would happen but it could happen...you are assuming that everyone is as rational as you are...not all people are, especially when they hear something like what the poster is going to tell him... I am concerned about her safety first and M second...that's why I suggested counseling pronto... Will she feel better if she does tell him?
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Will she feel better if she does tell him? Yes. Because of how she feels. Through all the pain he has caused me and the std and the lies....I still love him very much.....but I did the one thing I myself was devistated over. I cheated. On in impulse I thought.......well he is not here.....and I feel so lonely and used....I might as well. And after all was said and done, I felt so empy inside. It doesn't matter if my husband was cheating or not....what I did was wrong And her last two paragraphs describe how she feels as well. I just think her telling him would be more like lifting the weight off her shoulders. She is a compassionate person and has a conscious and a heart. Not too sure if she can keep this from him as it's made her feel so bad.
Trialbyfire Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 There are some serious underlying problems in this relationship. You've both lost your respect and trust for each other. I'm not certain I would try to repair this relationship. Time to move on. For people who have been cheated on reading this thread, please don't cheat back. It demeans you as a person and doesn't help you in the least.
puddleofmud Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Consider this an opportunity to some time to look inside yourself and come to terms with your own emotional state: you have been undermined, terribly hurt and did something for some supposed relief. However, this did not serve you well and you are not feeling relieved. Please allow yourself to feel OK that you did that! You have been in crisis for so long you may no longer be capable of understanding what is "normal or healthy" for you. Yet, you have compounded your emotional stress through what may be a developing pattern. Abused persons often abuse themselves because they no longer know healthy coping mechanisms. Counseling FOR YOU would be a good idea so that you have a safe place to "unload" all these complex feelings with some healthy feed-back. Nothing says you have to make ANY decisions right now! You may also consider finding an attorney to consult about separation so that you can have the time it takes to better understand yourself by distancing yourself from this. Kindest Regards to you!
NearlyThere Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Huh? Where did that come from? You're assuming alot here, that he would murder her or abuse her because she cheated on him. She hasn't said anything about him becoming violent! All she has said is he may not get past her cheating. WHich to me, is kind of stupid seeing has he's been cheating on her as well. I agree she needs to talk to a professional to help her cope. She has said in her own post that she feels awful for cheating. I don't believe that she will feel good about herself if she doesn't tell him... Its not a complete impossibility that he would abuse or murder her and if she has kids, those as well. In the UK, in the past 4 weeks alone, there have been several high profile cases were wronged husbands have murdered the betraying spouse and or the children in a moment of jealous rage.
NoIDidn't Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Don't tell him! If he is a serial cheater as you have indicated, and has cheated throughout your M. He will act (and think, incredibly) like you just did the most horrible thing to him you could ever do. He will more than likely divorce you and act like a man scorned. It doesn't sound like the M is much to hang on to if you are constantly feeling only and used in it. Use this as a wake up that you want and deserve more from a R. But don't cheat again. The second time, you might like it.
Bufzookie Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 At first....I was so ashamed, I didn't want to come on here and show who I was. but I'm not a women to go run and hid when I have done something wrong. I origanlly came on here a few months ago about my husband cheating on me for.....the 8 millionth time. Needing help and asking for advise. my whole story starts on the infedility forum with the title "an affair to remember" if anyone is intersted and wondering what i have gone through. Again, What I did was wrong and I feel like I got nothing accomplish for doing what I did. But, I do not want to tell my husband because....he is in iraq and I don't want to cause him problems.......lord knows what he will do.....he may even became suicide watch....who knows!! Apart of me says I want to stay with him because I love this man with my whole being! I just want to see what would come about when he comes home.....if we could get to counseling and such. I don't know for sure though. What I learned about what I did was this......for that one moment I felt like I was needed. But all I was left was a bad taste in my mouth of disqust and right back to were I started. Feeling alone. Maybe my best bet would be to take my daughter and leave my husband....who knows. I just feel incredible sad for what I did. I would recommend to anyone that is looking for that rush of infatuation or for just a moments gratification to NOT DO IT. its not worth it and all it does is hurt others. I know that I will NEVER do anything like that again. It was the worst feeling I ever had afterwards! It was not worth it. oh lord....it was just plain stupid!
GreenEyedLady Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 At first....I was so ashamed, I didn't want to come on here and show who I was. but I'm not a women to go run and hid when I have done something wrong. I origanlly came on here a few months ago about my husband cheating on me for.....the 8 millionth time. Needing help and asking for advise. my whole story starts on the infedility forum with the title "an affair to remember" if anyone is intersted and wondering what i have gone through. Again, What I did was wrong and I feel like I got nothing accomplish for doing what I did. But, I do not want to tell my husband because....he is in iraq and I don't want to cause him problems.......lord knows what he will do.....he may even became suicide watch....who knows!! Apart of me says I want to stay with him because I love this man with my whole being! I just want to see what would come about when he comes home.....if we could get to counseling and such. I don't know for sure though. What I learned about what I did was this......for that one moment I felt like I was needed. But all I was left was a bad taste in my mouth of disqust and right back to were I started. Feeling alone. Maybe my best bet would be to take my daughter and leave my husband....who knows. I just feel incredible sad for what I did. I would recommend to anyone that is looking for that rush of infatuation or for just a moments gratification to NOT DO IT. its not worth it and all it does is hurt others. I know that I will NEVER do anything like that again. It was the worst feeling I ever had afterwards! It was not worth it. oh lord....it was just plain stupid! B: I thought it was you when I read your post...I tried to PM you but it's not enabled...I feel incredibly bad for you...know that you are not alone...you have all of us at LS who want you to succeed in whatever you choose to do...
NoIDidn't Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 BZookie, I am sorry that you feel so awful. But what's done is done. Can't take it back. And with what you said about your H, definitely DON'T TELL HIM. Too many stories about men returning from warzones and murdering their spouses a couple of years ago. And I hope that doesn't make you feel worst. If you have a sitter, take a day off and get your nails done. Do something for you. You shouldn't go through life feeling used. See a doctor or psychiatrist for possible depression. Sounds like you were looking for the rush to make you feel better, but now you feel worst. Take care of you. Think about what YOU really want right now. Not that I am giving you marital advice, but you can love a person and not stay M to them. You are in a tough spot. But you sound strong enough to emerge on the other side stronger for it. I hope you do. Best wishes to you.
Bufzookie Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Thanks for the advise! I'm just having a very hard time with things around here. I feel like I have been taken advantage of from my husband....and I only made it worse for myself by trying to find comfort .....and it didn't work out the way I thought in my head. Life is so hard sometimes......I'm just so a lone in the word sometimes. Thats how I feel almost every day.
puddleofmud Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Please stay here and continue to talk with us as your situation is very unique and I wish to support you. Firstly, I wish for you to know that I admire your strength as a military spouse and validate that what you are going through is so difficult. I know this first hand--so please believe me when I say that I truly understand. That being said, you are blessed with nothing but "time" which may seem nothing but a curse at this juncture. Please use this time wisely and do nothing from a knee-jerk guilt response. Take some time to talk this out via this forum and find some counseling for military spouses before you do anything!!! I am not saying this due to the fact that your husband is deployed; I am saying this for YOU--your situation is very harsh and complex. Please stay honest and feel that you may present anything you need via this forum and you have support here. Kindest Regards and Support, darling!
GreenEyedLady Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 B: You are so young and beautiful...believe that...you shouldn't have to be dealing with everything that you are dealing with ever...your ability to cope as well as you have is admirable... You need to develop a support group wherever you are right now...I don't know your religious affiliation but you might find a support group at a church or YWCA... Life is hard...that's why you need some physical support around you...is there a group on the base you could spend time with? Or take some sort of class so you can get to know other women? I'm sure there are many women in a similar place to you... I'm glad that you keep posting...We're always here for you...GEL
Bufzookie Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 Well, to keep myself busy and not to go stur crazy...I have become an FRG leader. Those of you who do not know what that is ...is Family readiness group leader. I act as a conduit of information to the spouses of deployed soldiers! I actually love doing it. It is very stimulating and keeps me busy durning the week. But, I do have a lot of time to think as well. Not sleeping all that well these days...but trying really hard not to stay up past 2 because my Daughter needs me to bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning! I am also having a hard time with food. Sometimes I'll eat okay....but then sometimes I don't. Its stress...I know it...but please do not think I do this to myself on purpose. Its become the norm for me........and I don't like it at all. I have though, went back on Birth control and I seem to be more myself. I just got on it about two weeks ago. I can tell a big improvement in my moods! If only I could take a pill for life and everything would be great. I must confess that my husband is not the only problem I am having. I was abused as a child by my father and just started realizing how angry I am about what he did. No child ever deserves a beating....no matter what they have done. I have almost in a way married my father. Although my husband has never hit me....he has brought my down to the level of insicurity that my father did! But, I am....very proud of myself....because I am going to counseling to cope and move on with these feelings. I am happy to report that I do not have a mood disorder....just mild depression from stress and such. I am young, and I know I have time to get back up and brush myself off.....I never had a real childhood! I am wise beyond my years, but I would give anything to have been a child or a teen....just a little longer. My daughter gives me strength though, even when days seem glum! I know that opportunies with come and I will find love and happiness once again. but many of us.....hurt women know, that RIGHT NOW....the pain hurts! RIGHT NOW.....is when things are happening. And it is very hard to see past all the darkness that infidelity brings overhead! I'm just so ashamed at myself for what I have done. I am SMARTER then that! I knew better .......and I wasn't ready. I let this person take advantage of me in a fragile state. There is nothing more I can say about that then....I am sorry! Even if my husband deserved it....."I'm sorry lord" I will never ever put myself in that situation again!! I just want all the pain to go away......I want to feel free finally.....feel like the women that I am.....and be the princess I always wanted to be! I will keep you posted! :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2006 Posted November 22, 2006 I must confess that my husband is not the only problem I am having. I was abused as a child by my father and just started realizing how angry I am about what he did. No child ever deserves a beating....no matter what they have done. I have almost in a way married my father. Although my husband has never hit me....he has brought my down to the level of insicurity that my father did! But, I am....very proud of myself....because I am going to counseling to cope and move on with these feelings. I am happy to report that I do not have a mood disorder....just mild depression from stress and such. It's great that you're going to talk to someone, that will help you so much. Noone should have to go through what you did, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong!
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