Guest Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Why don't you love your H the way he NEEDS to be loved? They wouldn't look elsewhere if you did. I'll be upfront and honest. I've been both. I was a BS. My ex-husband left me for another woman -- why???? Because I neglected our marriage. Now, I am the OW. At least I know where my future lies. He can stay in his comfort zone" of a *happy* marriage where he gets along with his wife. He knows he came come to me anytime for unconditional love and affection. He is my best friend, my lover and has helped me though some troublesome time. I say bravo to him for sticking it out in his marriage. He might not have chemistry or compatibility with with his W but he he has commitment. One of these days I will get all three -- with an unmarried man. And.... Do I wish him to leave his wife -- maybe sometimes I do. But you know what???? I like knowing where I stand. It works well for both of us. He has his *happy* home life while I have my freedom.
outofdarkness Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 ummm.....well who are you to say that we don't love our H's the way we're "supposed" to?? Marriage has it's ups and downs and ins and outs; but most of us do the very best we can to balance our relationships with our H's, our kids, our careers, etc...Most of us are kind, caring, attractive and loving W's..I don't think it's fair to totally blame the W for A's...There can be a variety of reasons why A's start...It can be because the relationship has taken a beating because of a sick child, aging parent, job loss, etc...It can be just because the CS decides he or she wants to see what it's like to be with another W...It can be just because the CS is plain old selfish! Mabey they have just outgrown the marriage and are no longer compatable...As far as unconditional love; I can only speak for myself as the W of a serial cheater, my love was never anything but conditional...
pricillia Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 eh, guest nobody is perfect, what the heck makes you so wonderfull that this man looks to you for that perfect love? relationships are two sided and It is great that you have found your perfect relationship, but sooner or later you will want more and it will get harder and harder.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 One of these days I will get all three -- with an unmarried man. You'll never find an unmarried man as long as you're having an affair.... You deserve better and from what I've read, sadly, it seems that you've settled for scraps.
Romeo Must Die Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 You said he doesnt have chemistry and compatibility. MM is hardly committed to the marriage if he is with you. His efforts are only half-hearted, at best. He is misleading her into thinking their marriage is okay and it is in jeopardy. I also see your interest as equally half-hearted as the MM's interest in the marriage. For obvious reasons, of course. Wearing my BW hat, I would think it would be especially ignorant coming from the OW. I shouldn't have to discuss (with her) anything about my husband and what I do (or don't do) in bed with him. I am not competing with the OW for his affections. What we do is intimate and private and it should just be between two people. A sacred trust. Nobody - and I mean NO ONE should ever have the right to come between us. As a woman to another woman, I think you have the advantage of a new relationship, and with that, you have the kind of freedoms a married woman does not have, even with her own husband. We dont make love everyday, but when we do I give him my full attention and it is great. We have never really had *bad* sex. At the time my husband started his affair, I was pregnant and grieving our deceased son. It would have been alot more gentle if he divorced me instead of hooking up with an OW. It was the worst time in my whole life. There was nothing I did (or didn't) do to him to deserve it. I suspected it but whenver I asked, he vehlmently denied it. You know, no matter how bad things might have been, I never put him through this pain. He could get away with his affair because I was at home, waiting for him all the time. My love and devotion isn't in question here. It's his that is corrupt.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Guest, it sounds like your MM is all about himself, just re-read Romeo's post afew times. Put yourself in her shoes. And another thing, your MM is a liar. Don't fool yourself into thinking he hasn't lied to you. He's a selfish person and wants two women, one isn't enough to make him happy.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Why don't you love your H the way he NEEDS to be loved? They wouldn't look elsewhere if you did. Sometimes even the most loving and caring of wives find themselves chained to a cakeman - one who needs the comfort and security and love of his wife, but still finds a need for an OW too. He'll stay with the wife and work his way through several OW regardless of what each OW offers. The OW can't really offer enough when it comes right down to it because of the very nature of her position. The cakeman has only a narrow set of needs for the OW - sex and ego stroking. Call it love, passion, best friends, lovers etc. - but at the bottom line is one thing: its all about him and his needs. As soon as it becomes about you and your needs he's outta there. Once that OW crosses the boundaries for what he needs and wants from her, she's history. He claims that he 'wants to work on his marriage' or somesuch and throws the OW under the bus only to go out and look for another OW who will better know her place. Cakemen are brutal on both W and OW. The needs he has for W and the needs he has for OW are like peices in a puzzle. He needs both to complete the puzzle and the pieces will never fit the other's slot. If the OW becomes W, then the cakeman finds that his OW slot is empty and will fill it with another OW. If he stays with W, he will simply keep that OW slot filled as long as the piece fits to his comfort level. So... no one really wins with a cakeman. W spends her live stuck with him (unless she finds the strength to let him go), and OW gets to spend her life stuck in a narrow 'OW' compartment never to be anything more (unless he makes her his W, which in that case she becomes the W stuck with a cheater). Love isn't enough for a cakeman. Not from the W. Not from the OW.
BUTAFLY Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Cakemen are brutal on both W and OW. So... no one really wins with a cakeman. W spends her live stuck with him (unless she finds the strength to let him go), and OW gets to spend her life stuck in a narrow 'OW' compartment never to be anything more (unless he makes her his W, which in that case she becomes the W stuck with a cheater). Love isn't enough for a cakeman. Not from the W. Not from the OW. It is so tiresome reading women blame other women for a mm infidilities. Its not about the wife nor is it about the ow. Its all about the MM. If the wife wishes to keep him then she has issues she needs to deal within herself. If the OW is wishing so badly to be with this man she has issues deep within herself that also needs to be address. All the while somehow the man is in the clear because no one is addressing his issues of infidility. I would like to think the women on LS are smarter than to point finger at everything but the problem, the MAN. I guess it is true....women learn to accept less than just to say they are in love or that someone loves them back. Go figure:rolleyes:
puddleofmud Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Why don't you love your H the way he NEEDS to be loved? They wouldn't look elsewhere if you did. I am becoming greatly curious about an observed aspect of these kinds of "relationships". I am going to try to word this carefully... It would seem that often some women who are involved with/ attracted by attached men MAY not be at all about the man, but more about the aspects of the attachment of a man to another woman. By this I mean the attachment in and of itself seems to, perhaps, become the actual challenge. I do not mean that the woman may necessarily concious of any endeavor to destroy a relationship. But is there or could there be some desire to predispose oneself as the "better" woman, thus "if he is with me I have won"? For many generations women have been schooled not by intellect, but by emotion that having a man is what makes them viable. Thus, do women feel needs to win a man by any and all means? Would one of those means contain bettering through competition a man who would be considered another's? Could stolen property be considered an asset? Especially when the male presents himself "unhappy" and wishes to be rescued and a woman feels he is being treated unfairly by a harsh woman? Does it buy one an excuse to swoop in and become the kinder, gentlewoman? Or (more likely) the more desirable woman in the situation? Just curious...
Seen_It_All Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Why don't you love your H the way he NEEDS to be loved? They wouldn't look elsewhere if you did. Not married and not a BS, but I couldn't help but chuckle reading this utterly ridiculous statement. Especially coming from someone who should supposedly KNOW better since her husband left HER for another woman. Guess you blame his a*sshole behavior all on yourself, do ya? Good for you. He knows he came come to me anytime for unconditional love and affection. Hey - how's that floor mat gig workin' for ya? How nice that he knows that you're willing to be his lap dog any old time he requests it. Does he wipe his shoes on your back too, when coming into your house? I say bravo to him for sticking it out in his marriage. Oh yes, what a noble man this pillar of society IS. Bet his wife has a totally DIFFERENT story to tell. Going way out on a limb here, and this is just a thought...stay with me....could it BE that perhaps he's told you a couple of fibs to keep the love train chugging along? That maybe this poor, suffering NOBLE soul really doesn't have it that bad? Maybe this poor neglected martyr just likes having the attention of two women? Jeez, naive much? He might not have chemistry or compatibility with with his W but he he has commitment. One of these days I will get all three -- with an unmarried man. Well gosh, you'd better hope that predators like yourself don't get near this future fabled unmarried man whose going to give you the commitment you so richly deserve - you might find yourself in the same exact place your MM's wife is in now. Good Christ. It's people like you that give women a REAL bad name.
NoIDidn't Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 My ex-husband left me for another woman -- why???? Because I neglected our marriage. Now, I am the OW. At least I know where my future lies. Okay, I am usually not this brutal, but just had to say it like I felt it. I guess since you already know you are going to get dumped, you have security? Your exH did it, and you expect this guy to do it too. Whether you know it or not, you are still competing with the OW that "took" your exH. The blame for your divorce is not all yours, give some of it back to him. Good lawd lady, he left for OW. That means he was cheating, whether you neglected him or not. He didn't have to cheat. You are still grieving that D. And it is so common for the BW to become the OW after a D. Its cliche. Stop letting youe exH and his OW take what is left of your self-respect by being what they were.
pureinheart Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Maybe not in this case, but in some cases the MW gives this "man" everything....some MM and MW are just so messed up that they can't see what they have and want more.....
Jane Doe Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Sometimes even the most loving and caring of wives find themselves chained to a cakeman - one who needs the comfort and security and love of his wife, but still finds a need for an OW too. He'll stay with the wife and work his way through several OW regardless of what each OW offers. The OW can't really offer enough when it comes right down to it because of the very nature of her position. The cakeman has only a narrow set of needs for the OW - sex and ego stroking. Call it love, passion, best friends, lovers etc. - but at the bottom line is one thing: its all about him and his needs. As soon as it becomes about you and your needs he's outta there. Once that OW crosses the boundaries for what he needs and wants from her, she's history. He claims that he 'wants to work on his marriage' or somesuch and throws the OW under the bus only to go out and look for another OW who will better know her place. Cakemen are brutal on both W and OW. The needs he has for W and the needs he has for OW are like peices in a puzzle. He needs both to complete the puzzle and the pieces will never fit the other's slot. If the OW becomes W, then the cakeman finds that his OW slot is empty and will fill it with another OW. If he stays with W, he will simply keep that OW slot filled as long as the piece fits to his comfort level. So... no one really wins with a cakeman. W spends her live stuck with him (unless she finds the strength to let him go), and OW gets to spend her life stuck in a narrow 'OW' compartment never to be anything more (unless he makes her his W, which in that case she becomes the W stuck with a cheater). Love isn't enough for a cakeman. Not from the W. Not from the OW. That's one of the wisest, most accurate replies I've ever read on this entire website.
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