mark1210 Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Hi! So, I'm dating this woman who seems to be too good to be true. I have concerns though that perhaps it is just that. Let me start at the beginning. I met this girl online, we have been dating for over a month. We just kissed for the first time 2 days ago. Up until then, there were only hugs nothing more. We hung out 1 weekend a week, I always had to call, txt or make the plans with the exception of one time. She told me about a week ago that she nearly wrote me off because I only talk to her once a week, and that she likes for a guy to be a bit more engaged and call/txt or see her more often. I explained to her that I've been burned a bit and seeing a person once a week keeps me from getting overly attached. Her response was, I want you to be attached. What I really don't get is that, there has really been no talk of being exclusive. The one time I mentioned it, she stated that she wants to take things slow and let the pieces fall into place. She mentioned she has been thrown under the bus too many times in a relationship, and that she too used to get overly attached, at the same time she constantly tells me how much of a find I am, that she admires me for being so respectful, not trying to be intimate with her too fast, not taking advantage of situations, etc. I guess what I really want to know is if she is truly interested. She has always said yes to my date invites, but has only made one invitation for me. She never calls, or txt's, she only responds after I do. She has mentioned before, that guys she has dated in the past have told her she is bad at showing interest. I'm so confused lol.
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 MARK1210....you're doing everything right. She is testing you. The two most impt things when dealing with women are 1)patience and 2)not coming off as desperate.....
Author mark1210 Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 So should I keep calling her and initiating things or backoff? Maybe she will finally start calling...
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 So should I keep calling her and initiating things or backoff? Maybe she will finally start calling... Just keep on doing what you've been doing.....and remember to put 10% importance on her words and 90% importance on her actions. Good luck brother.
johan Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 My advice: do what you want. Don't worry about what she thinks. If you analyze it then you'll just be picking at yourself all the time. So if you want to talk to her, then call. If you don't, then don't. If you want to see her, then try to make plans. If you don't, then don't. Worrying about it like this just makes the whole thing a drag. She should like you for who you are, not the pretend version of you that is always trying to do the right thing.
Star Gazer Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 As a gal who's been in her position, I disagree with the previous advice. You've been dating over a month now, and have just kissed her 2 days ago. Seeing her only once a week on the weekend is totally fine (and a good pace in the beginning, I think), but even so, in order to demonstrate interest for her, you really need to make sincere, substantive contact with her during the time between your dates. In addition, now is the time to step up the frequency of seeing her...and make it clear to her that you WANT to see her. The weeks-between-contact would make anyone think that the level of interest really isn't all that high. That said, she needs to recognize that you need to receive the "signals" that she's interested too. She clearly knows she's bad at showing it from what others have told her, but that's no excuse for her lacking communication skills. The fact of the matter is neither one of you can read minds, so you must rely on behavior. However, if your behavior - or hers - doesn't fit what makes you comfortable or what you want, cut your losses now and move on to someone who naturally meets your needs and you hers.
johan Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 As a gal who's been in her position, I disagree with the previous advice. You've been dating over a month now, and have just kissed her 2 days ago. Seeing her only once a week on the weekend is totally fine (and a good pace in the beginning, I think), but even so, in order to demonstrate interest for her, you really need to make sincere, substantive contact with her during the time between your dates. In addition, now is the time to step up the frequency of seeing her...and make it clear to her that you WANT to see her. The weeks-between-contact would make anyone think that the level of interest really isn't all that high. That said, she needs to recognize that you need to receive the "signals" that she's interested too. She clearly knows she's bad at showing it from what others have told her, but that's no excuse for her lacking communication skills. The fact of the matter is neither one of you can read minds, so you must rely on behavior. However, if your behavior - or hers - doesn't fit what makes you comfortable or what you want, cut your losses now and move on to someone who naturally meets your needs and you hers. In the process of disagreeing with the "previous advice", which was mine (by the way), you ended up agreeing with me in almost every way. So congratulations for being right.
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 In the process of disagreeing with the "previous advice", which was mine (by the way), you ended up agreeing with me in almost every way. So congratulations for being right. females are confusing!
johan Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 females are confusing! ha ha. We both know that there are patterns to be found in that chaos.
Star Gazer Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 In the process of disagreeing with the "previous advice", which was mine (by the way), you ended up agreeing with me in almost every way. So congratulations for being right. How so? I don't believe in 100% "do what you want" B.S. ...the way you stated it was as though he shouldn't have to put in any additional effort than he already has, as I disagree with that given what he's shared thus far. Also, keep in mind that your advice wasn't the only response that preceded mine... my response did not revolve around you.
Author mark1210 Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 LOL =) Well I called her up, set up plans for next Sat and Sunday. Saturday for time with me and Sunday to meet my friends for a big dinner. She seemed excited, however this line confuses me: "You can't seem to get enough of me this weekend, hasn't even been 24 hours since you saw me and are already setting up plans for next weekend. I like. Just wanted to let you know I am still thinking about you..all good" My guy friends told me congratuations, I seem desperate. Wasn't what I was going for. Oh..and she asked me if I was dating others. I told her I was when we first me, which was true. But currently I am only dating you. Again, my guy friends told me I should have avoided that question.
Star Gazer Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Mark - I think her response is a good sign, and you don't seem desperate. Frankly, when a guy asks me out that far in advance (and right after a date), I think 2 things: (1) He thinks if he waits any longer to ask me out, I'll have made other plans because I am just that popular (hehe - an indirect compliment to me), and/or (2) He has so much of his own stuff going on (he has a life!) that he has to make plans that far in advance too. All good, like she said. I'd still recommend making contact with her Tuesday or Wednesday.
johan Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Also, keep in mind that your advice wasn't the only response that preceded mine... my response did not revolve around you. Whatever. You want me. You know it. I know it. We all know it. Mark, you just have to do what you have to do. If it means contacting her more than your guy friends tell you is right, then you have to do it. They aren't dating her. And she isn't dating you and all of them at the same time. She's dating you. You might as well reveal your true self. Get it over with. She'll discover it sooner or later, no matter how hard you try to hide it. And it's up to her to decide whether it's what she wants.
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Well I called her up, set up plans for next Sat and Sunday. Saturday for time with me and Sunday to meet my friends for a big dinner. Its too early for her to meet your friends. I'd wait another few months.... Oh..and she asked me if I was dating others. I told her I was when we first me, which was true. But currently I am only dating you. Again, my guy friends told me I should have avoided that question. Your guy friends were correct. At this stage (since you're not exclusive) you want to keep the mystery and keep her guessing. On this subject you should say nothing and stay neutral. Don't acknowledge or deny dating other. This is very impt.
Star Gazer Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Pfffft. Why can't she meet his friends? Alpha, you're crazy. Whether or not she gets along with friends is HUGE (at least for me it is, but I have amazing friends and I truly trust their judgment). Why not know that sooner than later? And you have to discuss exclusivity eventually... the "are you dating anyone else" question is the very beginning of that! Sheesh, had he asked back, they might have had "the talk" right then and there....
Author mark1210 Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 Johan, I'm not trying to BS anyone or be someone I'm not. While i would love to see her more I know I will get too attached as I have in the past and this is too important for me to mess up. So your statement confuses me. Let's not forget that me only talking and setting things up with her once a week nearly got me "written off" Alpha, I guess I am just too honest and too much of an open book. Maybe I am too much like that nice guy off that other post of yours. I like to be open and honest in hopes the girl is the same way. Maybe you are right though and I need to be more challenging.
Star Gazer Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Mark - There's obviously a risk in getting attached... but you can't reap big rewards (real love) without big risks. You're gonna have to take the leap again sometime.....
alphamale Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 Pfffft. Why can't she meet his friends? Alpha, you're crazy. .... because its way to early SG....they've only know each other for a month and have gone on 4 dates. They barely know each other and now the stressful event of meeting friends rears its ugly head. They need to cement their relationship before introducing 3rd parties.
Sand&Water Posted November 19, 2006 Posted November 19, 2006 RE: You are doing great, Mark1210. Don't listen to your friends. They're your friends for a reason -to give opinion(s), but not to steer your love life. Maintain the same ground, as before, contacting her anytime you want. Don't follow strict guidelines produced by fellow jealous hosts. "You can't seem to get enough of me this weekend, hasn't even been 24 hours since you saw me and are already setting up plans for next weekend. I like. Just wanted to let you know I am still thinking about you..all good" Don't be afraid of the above comment. You're in good hands. She is, just, running around the bush professing what's on her mind. She is interested in you. The, only, thing I suggest you improve on is your: Interest And Self Preservation. In other words, don't allow her to walk all over you per her somewhat harsh comments. Make it clear to her via body language, behaviour, or verbal communication that you are profoundly interested -and here to stay. She wants to see the man in you. Come onto her, a little bit more. Regards, Sand&Water
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