Heart Broken

[OCT22]

Hi to all. This is my first post.Four weeks ago my wife, that i've been married to for 19 years has told me she has no more feelings for me and she wants a divorce,i was devasted and shocked. We had an arguement prior to this regarding my lack of trust towards her. Since then i have gone to countless hours of counselling and therapy. I have come to terms of my insecurety which stems down from my childhood. I have traumatized my wife for many years and did not know i was doing it. It got to a point where she would have to think what to say or do so i wouldn't read into things. Unfortunetly all this took it's toll on her, in which i greatly understand where she was coming from. Since then i have been deeply ashamed of my actions of abuse from all those years. We are now seperated, still living in the same house talking as friends sleeping seperately until we put the house for sale in the spring and go our seperate ways. We have 2 great teenage children 17-12 yrs. old. She tells me that she cares about me and has no bitterness or anger but doesn't have the feelings of love for me. I love my best friend my wife very much. I would do anything to get her back. I wish i can undo the past that i have created. I'm hurting so much, what have i done? I want her back, my life is not complete without her. Is it to little to late?

[PWSX3]

Hi to all. This is my first post.Four weeks ago my wife, that i've been married to for 19 years has told me she has no more feelings for me and she wants a divorce,i was devasted and shocked. We had an arguement prior to this regarding my lack of trust towards her. Since then i have gone to countless hours of counselling and therapy. I have come to terms of my insecurety which stems down from my childhood. I have traumatized my wife for many years and did not know i was doing it. It got to a point where she would have to think what to say or do so i wouldn't read into things. Unfortunetly all this took it's toll on her, in which i greatly understand where she was coming from. Since then i have been deeply ashamed of my actions of abuse from all those years. We are now seperated, still living in the same house talking as friends sleeping seperately until we put the house for sale in the spring and go our seperate ways. We have 2 great teenage children 17-12 yrs. old. She tells me that she cares about me and has no bitterness or anger but doesn't have the feelings of love for me. I love my best friend my wife very much. I would do anything to get her back. I wish i can undo the past that i have created. I'm hurting so much, what have i done? I want her back, my life is not complete without her. Is it to little to late?

You have already started, first you are going to counsoling and you are learning what "YOU" need to do to change, remember it takes two to get where you are at. Once that has happens you will start feeling better about "yourself" and who you are.

You have already noticed some of the things you have done in the past so now that you know you won't do them hopefully and she will start seeing you want to change.

 

You can't force her to come back and you can't force her to love you, but you can make a change in yourself and hopefully she will see that person she used to love.

 

Don't push things on her just be yourself, start reading some books such as The five love languages, his needs, her needs and there are many more. If you are like I was you will start seeing how bad you treated your W and how much you would like to change how you treat her but you can't because that is the past but you can change how you are from now on.

 

It will also help you in how you treat others such as friends, your children, and even strangers and once you start figuring out who you are it really is nice.

 

Hang around and you will get some good advice from some good people.

 

Good luck

[OCT22]

Thanks for your reply. This has been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me.Tonight i also signed up for the first time to go to a group session to deal with this. I want to make me a better person for myself and my family. I love my wife and children and would do anything in my power to reunite us back together. My son who is 17 is taking this very hard and my daughter who is 12 is also showing signs, like drawing hearts on paper. I feel totally responsible for what has happened. Dealing with this is like a nightmare that you can't wake up from.

[PWSX3]

Thanks for your reply. This has been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me.Tonight i also signed up for the first time to go to a group session to deal with this. I want to make me a better person for myself and my family.

CONGRATS MY FRIEND!! This is a very big step and like I said you will start seeing things in a different way and you will start enjoying yourself and the people around you and it really makes you feel good. Your kids will notice the change and have more respect for you for doing it, but again you need to do it for yourself first and then everything else will fall into place.

Just one other little hint, when you go to that group session remember everyone else is there for the same reason you are so don't feel ashamed or quilty for going. They are there to help you & you are there to help them.

I love my wife and children and would do anything in my power to reunite us back together. My son who is 17 is taking this very hard and my daughter who is 12 is also showing signs, like drawing hearts on paper.

A friend of mine who grew up in a divorced family told me; no matter how bad it is or how much you hate your wife/husband don't fight in front of the kids. You have to remember they love there mom/dad just as much as they love you and so when you hurt there mom/dad you are hurting them.

My 16 yr old took it hard at first but I have been honest with him, told him it had nothing to do with him and I keep telling him that. I talk about it with him and let him know what I'm doing, I have even shared some of the things I have read. Like Gunny said; we are taught math, history, spelling, etc. in school but you don't learn anything about marriage and how much work it will take to live with another person who has other ideas, goals, feelings etc. then you do.

I feel totally responsible for what has happened. Dealing with this is like a nightmare that you can't wake up from.

Please do not blame yourself for everything. At first I did the same thing but you have to remember it takes two to fight. Have you ever seen a boxing match with just one person???

Maybe what you did was a reaction of what she did, I know that has a lot to do with my situation and I'm starting to see that.

Even though that is the case that doesn't mean I can't change how I do things or how I react to things and right now that is what "I'm doing" learning how to be a better person for myself....

 

It's still early and you have a long ways to go. This isn't an easy fix, I guess it's like a good wine it takes time before you can call it a fine wine, but you have started on the right path and you will have days that you just wonder why you are doing this, it would be so easy to just say screw it all but then you come here, post your feelings or talk to a friend and you pick yourself back up and start walking again. I have had many of those types of days but you just find something to get you started again and it is worth it.

[ilmw]

CONGRATS MY FRIEND!! This is a very big step and like I said you will start seeing things in a different way and you will start enjoying yourself and the people around you and it really makes you feel good. Your kids will notice the change and have more respect for you for doing it, but again you need to do it for yourself first and then everything else will fall into place.

Just one other little hint, when you go to that group session remember everyone else is there for the same reason you are so don't feel ashamed or quilty for going. They are there to help you & you are there to help them.

 

A friend of mine who grew up in a divorced family told me; no matter how bad it is or how much you hate your wife/husband don't fight in front of the kids. You have to remember they love there mom/dad just as much as they love you and so when you hurt there mom/dad you are hurting them.

My 16 yr old took it hard at first but I have been honest with him, told him it had nothing to do with him and I keep telling him that. I talk about it with him and let him know what I'm doing, I have even shared some of the things I have read. Like Gunny said; we are taught math, history, spelling, etc. in school but you don't learn anything about marriage and how much work it will take to live with another person who has other ideas, goals, feelings etc. then you do.

 

Please do not blame yourself for everything. At first I did the same thing but you have to remember it takes two to fight. Have you ever seen a boxing match with just one person???

Maybe what you did was a reaction of what she did, I know that has a lot to do with my situation and I'm starting to see that.

Even though that is the case that doesn't mean I can't change how I do things or how I react to things and right now that is what "I'm doing" learning how to be a better person for myself....

 

It's still early and you have a long ways to go. This isn't an easy fix, I guess it's like a good wine it takes time before you can call it a fine wine, but you have started on the right path and you will have days that you just wonder why you are doing this, it would be so easy to just say screw it all but then you come here, post your feelings or talk to a friend and you pick yourself back up and start walking again. I have had many of those types of days but you just find something to get you started again and it is worth it.

 

Hi..Oct

 

PW is saying it all...

 

Listen to him... read his posts and you will see how far he has come... Geez... read my posts... same deal.

 

Reading all the posts realy helps put things into perspective... Go back a bit... and you see a transformation... especialy the regular posters...

 

I find coming on here a resevior of strength.... When I am feeling a little down... I come on here.. and can usually get my smile back... but I have found the longer I read and self reflect... and learn.. I need this less.

 

As time goes by... you adapt... change... grow.. If you are learning.. you are becoming a better person for you... and that can only have positive spin offs.

 

Stay strong... make a commitment... and keep to it... you will feel better eventually...

 

Keep posting and keep us up to date... K

 

Take care..

ilmw

[OCT22]

Last night i had my first group meeting. I was impressed at all the different wonderful people i met, i thought i was alone and my story was unique but at the end i came to realize how much alike we all were. They all gave me so much support and new exactly how hurt i've been. Today it got a little bit better and hopefully i'll grow into this better person i'm striving to be. Although i still love my wife even though she let me go, i came to understand why and what i've put her through all these years, i feel for her for hanging on so long, she always said that she loved me alot more than i did and now i can believe her for having the courage and strength for hanging on to me for 19 years. As i learned a very valuable lesson in life to take nothing for granted especially the one that means the world to you.

[OCT22]

Tell me please does this get better? I can't take this anymore. I just arrived home, she called my daughter telling her she is going to be late. I ask my daughter and son to come to dinner and they have no appetite. I see it in my daughter's eyes the fear of what's to become in the near future and my son too has his emotions showing. You can't imagine how i feel for them and to see them in this state of mind, from once a happy family to this. They do not deserve this. Why did she have to take this route and make us suffer like this, seems like she has no emotions i understand for myself but your kids why do this to them? Please somebody explain i'm so confused and hurt??????????????????

[Ladyjane14]

Hang in there OCT. Give it some time. You're still only about a month or so into the separation. It's early days still.

 

There's no way to know in advance how everything is going to play out. You'll make yourself nuts trying to forecast the future though. Better to take it day by day.

 

This is all a process. You were married for 19 years. You're not going to resolve your feelings about that in just a month or two. Be patient.

 

Meantime, keep working on YOU. It works in your favor either way. Whether you reconcile or divorce... you end up being the best you can be, right?

 

 

 

p.s. Try not to over-worry about the kids. They need to see that you're still in control, otherwise they'll be worrying too.

[FlyingHigh]

We are now seperated, still living in the same house talking as friends sleeping seperately until we put the house for sale in the spring and go our seperate ways. We have 2 great teenage children 17-12 yrs. old. She tells me that she cares about me and has no bitterness or anger but doesn't have the feelings of love for me.

 

I love my best friend my wife very much. I would do anything to get her back.

 

I wish i can undo the past that i have created. I'm hurting so much, what have i done? I want her back, my life is not complete without her. Is it to little to late?

Oct22,

 

Sorry you and your family are going through this. You've gotten well sound advice as far as working on yourself.

 

Since divorce papers have not been drawn an you have until spring to sell the house, consider this an OPPORTUNITY to make amends with your wife even in the midst of you getting couseling. Use this Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday your opportunity. It's the BEST opportunity to try to win her back.

 

Regrets is a waste of time. You can't undo what's done. But, what you can do is change your approach. For instance...

i came to understand why and what i've put her through all these years, i feel for her for hanging on so long, she always said that she loved me alot more than i did and now i can believe her for having the courage and strength for hanging on to me for 19 years.

Have you ever thanked her or appreciated her for having been there for you and the kids? If not, now's the time.

 

When she calls to let you know she'll be late, still thank her for calling and let her know she will be missed and be safe when she comes home. If you and kids have dinner without her, set a side a portion for her in the fridge and put a note on it that says "just in case you're hungry when you got home". No need to mention it. You don't want to appear as trying too hard to win her back otherwise, she will only think it's a ploy to get her back. She won't see your genuine intent.

 

In other words, while you are trying to recover yourself, you need to figure out a balance by helping your family, your kids especially, recover from all those years. This will be the toughest part.

 

Another way to win your wife back is how you will handle and relate with your kids. Be the father they've missed and wanted for all those years. Do things with them whether or not to the movies, bowling, sporting event, etc. Invite her along even if you know the answer is a no. You, her and the kids are still a family. If she declines, just say "okay" and leave it at that. DO NOT say anything else that will be misconstrued by her as if you are making her feel guilty for declining. It will only backfire. Accept it. Move on. Take the kids and have fun. You do this enough especially when you and the kids go home and all had a great time, she may consider to want to tag along the next time.

 

If she likes flowers and don't want to overwhelm her with giving it to her, buy them anyway and put in her favorite vase and on the dining room table or somewhere. In other words, surprise her in little ways she wouln't normall expect. Don't be afraid to bring out the "feminine" side when it comes to flowers. Men can NEVER go wrong with flowers! If anything it will give your teen kids the giggles....but it's worth it, don't you think? They really could use the giggles especially when it's so out of Dad's character.

 

Granted, you may not be able to do it all in one season, but it will show your wife a possible renewed appreciation of a man/husband/father she too always wanted even if it's just a small glimmer of sign.

 

More important, you gotta give your wife REASONS for wanting to stay and give your marriage another shot. Be a fun and pleasant person, father, husband, and partner that your kids and wife would want to be around with. Would you want to be around a person who is not fun, pleasan and seems to be in the dumps? Probably not. Why should anyone? But your family especially your kids, really don't have the choice. So BE the person they would want to spend time with, not just because you are their father.

 

You have these Holidays to give your marriage and family that ONE last shot to be WHOLE. Use it.

[Guest]

Your wife is still in the house and you are still talking. I think these are very good signs. You have taken steps to improve yourself with the couseling and the group sessions. These are all good signs for you. I think if your wife was done with the realationship she wouldn't be in the house. My wife left me and filed for divorce five months later. The only advice I have that i learned is try and stay calm and do not do things based on your emotions. It sounds like you are thinking rationally and you are making good decisions. I wish you luck hopefully your wife will see that you are trying and she make an attempt to try to stay together.

[OCT22]

Thanks everyone for all your support and advice. Last week she went to mediation regarding all our assets and told me i should be recieving a letter in the next 2 days and that i should be seeking my own mediator. All i can say is that i still love her and i tried. For anybody going through what i've gone through in the last 5 weeks i truely feel for you. The bright side is i feel better about myself and improving everyday and taught myself a lesson in life. Remember one thing take care of yourself because at the end you only have yourself. I have 2 wonderful children that i have to care for and support now and my life must move on. I do not want to be with a person that doesn't care for me i wish her all the best in life and hope she finds what she is looking for in her stage in life.

[FlyingHigh]

Thanks everyone for all your support and advice. Last week she went to mediation regarding all our assets and told me i should be recieving a letter in the next 2 days and that i should be seeking my own mediator. All i can say is that i still love her and i tried. For anybody going through what i've gone through in the last 5 weeks i truely feel for you. The bright side is i feel better about myself and improving everyday and taught myself a lesson in life. Remember one thing take care of yourself because at the end you only have yourself. I have 2 wonderful children that i have to care for and support now and my life must move on. I do not want to be with a person that doesn't care for me i wish her all the best in life and hope she finds what she is looking for in her stage in life.

 

Tho it's difficult, your "acceptance" of the situation sounds as though you're at peace. This is important.

 

I do not want to be with a person that doesn't care for me

The irony to this is that your wife felt this way before she decided to let go and move on herself.

 

The second irony is that YOU had to experience this "loss" in order to learn and understand the valuable lesson behind it. As a result, you will become a better person, father AND future partner because of it.

 

Good luck.