CryingShame Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Hi, I need some help with sorting out my thoughts on my boyfriend and his attitude to money. We've been dating over a year. During that time he has bought me flowers twice. I've bought him a a couple of books and treated him a night at the theatre. We pay half and half on everything. Sometimes I would like for him to spoil me and pay for some things (like some other girlfriend's boyfriends). I'm not materialistic and I do love him. I don't want him to support me, but a little 'spoling of his girlfiriend' now and again would be appreciated. He is financially mean to himself and he developed this 'meaness' during his childhood. Shall I bring this subject up with him (if so, how?!!) or should I just ignore it. Am I expecting too much? Am I the one who's being mean?! Thanks for any advice on this.
YesandNo Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Hi, I need some help with sorting out my thoughts on my boyfriend and his attitude to money. We've been dating over a year. During that time he has bought me flowers twice. I've bought him a a couple of books and treated him a night at the theatre. We pay half and half on everything. Sometimes I would like for him to spoil me and pay for some things (like some other girlfriend's boyfriends). I'm not materialistic and I do love him. I don't want him to support me, but a little 'spoling of his girlfiriend' now and again would be appreciated. He is financially mean to himself and he developed this 'meaness' during his childhood. Shall I bring this subject up with him (if so, how?!!) or should I just ignore it. Am I expecting too much? Am I the one who's being mean?! Thanks for any advice on this. You say he is financially "mean"? I don't quite understand that honey, is he cheap? I'd talk to him about it. You don't sound like your asking for much. I'd ask him something like "honey, why don't you treat me to a night out on saturday". Is he low on money? It sounds to me like he's pretty cheap but you know better than I do.
melodymatters Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Good luck ! My ex husband was pathologically cheap. With himself and with me. We too split everything down the middle, and it felt "roomate-esqe". I also wished he would take me on a mini vacation or buy me a stupid little present just " because". He now is with an older, wealthier woman who is apparently fine with splitting the bills with him, pitching in on a boat for him, etc. I have dated a few guys since then, and while none were 'soul mate" material, they all we're more normal when it came to spending money on their GF. I guess only you know how good your relationship is otherwise, and if you can accept this forever. I doubt he'll change.
norajane Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Ooo, I dated a guy who would not spend money on himself or anyone else. He was the kind of guy who hated to go out to dinner - even if I offered to pay for everything - because it would literally make him ill. He'd sit there and calculate how much that same meal would have cost if we had made it at home - missing the whole point of going out to eat! And he basically killed my enjoyment of it, so we'd never go out to eat together, or do anything that cost money. Again, he was like that even when I really, really wanted to do and told him I'd pay. Those kind of people never change. They can't relax at all about spending money. Live with it, or leave it.
YesandNo Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 I would agree unless he just doesn't have the money. Cheap and broke are two different things. I think you should approach it before you take action. Maybe he just doesn't realize that a man should do certain things for his gf sometimes. And vice versa of course.
PussInHeels Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 It doesn't sound like he's mean, but he sounds kind of cheap. At this point in the relationship, it's normal to take equal financial responsibility, but people like to buy each other gifts and take each other out. If you're the one who does all the taking out, then that's not really fair. Unfortunately, people who have money issues are difficult to change. Tell him you'd think it would be fun to take turns taking each other out rather than pay dutch for everything. In terms of cost, it's not any more expensive in the long run than paying 50% whenever you two go out for an evening.
Author CryingShame Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 Thanks for your replies everyone. I don't know the difference between mean and cheap. My boyfriend's a great guy and we have a good relationship. We've always split things financially down the middle from the start of our relationship. But he actually admitted that he was cheap and that I was a 'cheap date' - how charming! Although, he said in a jokey way, it's not really nice to be regarded that way. He is financially ok. He knows that I am in debt, which he isn't. However, maybe I will try to lead by example, by paying for our next date, then he may follow suit? I've been thing the same like norajanes - that I'd have to 'live or leave this situation. I won't leave though, cos I do love him.
norajane Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Mean and cheap are basically interchangeable: Mean: (used of persons or behavior) characterized by or indicative of lack of generosity; "a mean person"; "he left a miserly tip" Cheap: embarrassingly stingy
norajane Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 I've been thing the same like norajanes - that I'd have to 'live or leave this situation. I won't leave though, cos I do love him. Give it some time, and see how it manifests itself. Cheap people are cheap in lot of ways, and it will affect how the two of you live your lives. Will he avoid going on vacations, thereby effectively preventing you from ever vacationing with the man you love? If you end up living together, will he insist on the cheapest apartment, regardless of your views about living in a perhaps shady/dangerous neighborhood, or a place that does not suit you, or a place that is way far from where your job is? If you end up living together, will he refuse to split the cost of an "expensive" piece of furniture or an appliance in favor of something cheaper? Will he refuse to hire someone to fix the plumbing, but then never end up fixing it himself, so basically the plumbing never gets fixed and you have no hot water? If you marry, will he always pick the crappy used car that breaks down all the time, or will he ever be willing for the two of you to buy something new? Will he insist that your kids go to community college instead of the best school they can get into? Just some things to consider for the long term...
Author CryingShame Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 Thanks Norajane for that overview of how life could possibly be! My boyfriend is only cheap with money. When it comes to other things he is generous, eg he is very loving and will help out anyone in anyway. (except financially, of course!!) He already has a crappy car and it has broken down to his way over to my house today. I'm gonna speak about his cheapness when he gets here. I think I have a tactic in my head about how to approach the subject. Wish me luck!
Author CryingShame Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 Well, I didn't get to use my 'tactic'. I was ready to use it, but when my boyfriend came over we decided to go out to dinner and he offered to pay(!) shock!!!. Why do things always happen that way?! My tactic was probably not a good idea, which was to carefully bring up his spending habits with previous girlfriends. No, it might have developed into an argument. But, I have a test for him, I suppose. I have to pay him back some money - he knows I'm in debt for a large sum, while he's got plently of savings. If he accepts the cheque rather than writing it off, I may take that opportunity to talk about his money attitdes. But it's all so delicate. Money issues can make or break a relationship can't they?
Lauriebell82 Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 wow i def. know how u feel. my bf doesnt like to spend money a lot on dinners and stuff. we go out and have fun, he'll pay then i'll pay. i buy him nice little gifts too and he'll buy me flowers or something nice. he is in a lot of school loan debt and has a lot of bills so he really doesnt have a lot of extra money to blow. sometimes it bothers me a little bit that he doesnt want to pay for me all the time like other guys i have dated. at the same time it is good that he just doesnt go out and blow his money like crazy. ok anyway i got off the subject a littel but the bottom line is does he do nice things for u like u pay for nice things for him? if it bothers u that much than maybe u should consider talking leavng the relationship. i know how u feel believe me, but i love my bf so i am willing to treat him to things to. u could try talking to him too, if that wont get him to upset.
obsession Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 With all due respect, I think you should bring up your concern that you don't feel appreciated sometimes because he doesn't "treat" you. But, I have to say that the test is rather ridiculous on an otherwise good boyfriend. If it's a big issue to make or break your relationship, then bring it up and see how it goes. But to expect that he should not take your check because you're in debt and he's not is a little selfish to me. You got into your debt so it was your responsibility to pay it off in the first place, not his. To expect him to refuse your cheque doesn't seem much a test and whatever he does will likely lead to someone being unhappy. Have you thought about that maybe he's not in debt because he works really hard to pay it off, perhaps by being "cheap" and not indluge in things that may cost too much?
Author CryingShame Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 Thanks all for your comments. Yes, Obsession, I agree that my so called test, may be a little 'ridiculous' and maybe I'm being selfish. Yes, it's my debt and I should take full responsibility and I have been. Still my boyfriend is cheap (!) but he is also lovely too. I guess, it's a case of no-one being perfect, I suppose.
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