Buying me gifts, dont want to be rude, but still not sure about his motives

[Spinderella]

Following from my other thread, I just recieved a message from him, saying he has bought me a gift and would like to drop it over. Cant help but wonder if this is more of the same trying to win me over behaviour.

I really do not want to speak to him or answer this message, as I am still confused about the whole thing. At the same time, I do not want to be rude, yet I do not feel like thanking him for the gift. Any advice?

[westernxer]

Cant help but wonder if this is more of the same trying to win me over behaviour.

 

Yes, it is.

 

Any advice?

 

Just tell him you're not interested and pray he isn't a stalker.

[Spinderella]

Just tell him you're not interested and pray he isn't a stalker.

Isnt ending the relationship now a little rash? After all, I am not sure of his motives, and need some time to think about things.

[westernxer]

Go with your gut feeling. No need to wrestle with it.

 

Then again, I don't know this guy. But you did express concern about his sweetness coming off as a gimmick.

[Spinderella]

Go with your gut feeling. No need to wrestle with it.

 

Then again, I don't know this guy. But you did express concern about his sweetness coming off as a gimmick.

 

This is something I am unsure of. As for my gut feelings, you could be right, and not wrestling with it is very good advice. It is though, very important to work out if it IS my gut feeling, or whether it is simply fear. This is why I wanted to take time out for awhile, until I am calm enough to know the difference. However, he sent me a message, and he has also now phoned me and spoken to me, I really did not know what to say, and didnt say very much, eventually that I would call him back. He asked me if he could bring the gift over. Very honestly, I wonder if I am wrong to actually be angry at him for buying me a gift, after all, he knew that I was upset with him, and yet if somebody buys you a gift, what can you say? I find it rather a manipulative thing to do, and it has made me feel angry, in fact, the whole thing is draining me now. Perhaps he is just immature.

[Kamille]

he bought you a gift because he knew you were upset with him. I understand why you're angry about this. This kind of behaviour is very passive-agressive (not that it's a prognostic on his person, just the behaviour).

 

In yours shoes I would calmly explain that I need time to figure things out and that I am therefore not willing to accept a gift then and there.

[westernxer]

Immature is right... or perhaps he's just inexperienced.

 

One thing is obvious, he doesn't rock your world. If he did, you'd be all over him. Maybe it takes time, but that whole "I need time to process this" was always a death knell for me. I never had patience to put up with it, especially if I was really into someone and she didn't reciprocate.

 

He's got enthusiasm, to say the least.

[Kamille]

Immature is right... or perhaps he's just inexperienced.

 

One thing is obvious, he doesn't rock your world. If he did, you'd be all over him. Maybe it takes time, but that whole "I need time to process this" was always a death knell for me. I never had patience to put up with it, especially if I was really into someone and she didn't reciprocate.

 

He's got enthusiasm, to say the least.

 

Yeah good point. I guess you're wondering why he doesn't rock your world... if it's you or if it's him.

 

But enthusiam? I'm not sure I see it as enthusiam. More like a bargaining tool.

[Kamille]

Was thinking about it... What I mean by bargaining tool is that instead of changing the actions that would improve the relationship (the ones you report nagging about), he resorts to 'romantic' offerings. It sounds to me like that's his way of bargaining for status quo and avoiding a deeper commitment

 

I would flat out refuse the gift and explain why. But not in an angry tone.

[Spinderella]

He might very well rock my world, and definetly has done on occasion. But I am very cautious and quite wary, so I do try to take my time. Perhaps he will lose patience with me too, but, I suppose I have to take that risk, because otherwise I will be working to someone elses pace.

The thing is, I am not sure he realises quite how much I was upset with him, or no, hold on, nobody could be that dim, he may not know how much, but he does know I wasnt happy. Kamille, I may just do that, explain to him that its not really the time to be accepting gifts.

[westernxer]

He might very well rock my world, and definetly has done on occasion. But I am very cautious and quite wary, so I do try to take my time. Perhaps he will lose patience with me too, but, I suppose I have to take that risk, because otherwise I will be working to someone elses pace.

 

Gotta do what you gotta do.

[Kamille]

He might very well rock my world, and definetly has done on occasion. But I am very cautious and quite wary, so I do try to take my time. Perhaps he will lose patience with me too, but, I suppose I have to take that risk, because otherwise I will be working to someone elses pace.

 

Exactly. You need to make sure you keep your balance and that you are capable of taking the space you need in order to be happy in this relationship.

 

The thing is, I am not sure he realises quite how much I was upset with him, or no, hold on, nobody could be that dim, he may not know how much, but he does know I wasnt happy. Kamille, I may just do that, explain to him that its not really the time to be accepting gifts.

 

I think we al know guys (and let's face it girls too) are somewhat dim when it comes to understanding what it is that we need in a relationship. So it's important to take time to know what we want. And then when we have a clearer idea, to communicate our expectations clearly.

 

So don't assume he knows how much you were upset or why you were upset. You said you feel like you lapsed into nagging. It's been my experience that when I feel like I'm nagging, I'm not getting my point across either because: he is obviously not in a state to hear me out or I am not in a state to communicate openly.

[Spinderella]

I accepted the gift, felt awful, returned it. Dont know quite how I feel. Okay. I probably should mention, I am not very good with commitment, am extremely complex, and probably a really difficult person to have a relationship with. I get extremely confused, and panic. I have had many attempts at relationships, with many different types of people. I wonder whether it is that all of these people have been wrong for me, and I get an intuition of this, but then panic. This is not rationalisation, but exploration. Maybe it is still intuition, but maybe it is taken to an extreme? Maybe he does not know how to deal with me at all.

[westernxer]

Maybe you're not ready for a serious relationship.

 

Sometimes people pursue it because it's expected of them, not because they really want it.

[Spinderella]

Thankyou Westernxer, for your help.

Yes I often think that I am not ready for a relationship. However, how do you ever get "ready" for a relationship. You can live perfectly happily without relationships for many years, but, then have a relationship and the same problems resurface. You cannot work through relationship problems anywhere but within relationships. Maybe though, building up security in other areas of life, put less pressure on relationships.

[westernxer]

Maybe though, building up security in other areas of life, put less pressure on relationships.

 

Yes, I have found this to be true in my own life.

 

I'm very independent to begin with, and my peers give me a lot of stick for not wanting to meet more chicks in clubs and what have you, but I've always been this way. Would rather hang out and read or watch interesting DVDs than go out just because I have to.

 

Should've seen me in college... I looked pathetic to some, but it's my life, not theirs.

[Spinderella]

Yes, I have found this to be true in my own life.

 

I'm very independent to begin with, and my peers give me a lot of stick for not wanting to meet more chicks in clubs and what have you, but I've always been this way. Would rather hang out and read or watch interesting DVDs than go out just because I have to.

 

Should've seen me in college... I looked pathetic to some, but it's my life, not theirs.

 

Yeah, I have the same thing, I often decline invitations because I would rather stay home and read a book. Also, people always seem to see having a relationship as the solution to all problems and the only way to attain happiness, especially the women I know.

[westernxer]

Also, people always seem to see having a relationship as the solution to all problems and the only way to attain happiness, especially the women I know.

 

I hear you.

 

I've been around guys who are just as bad. Oh well, that's life.

[johan]

Isn't it generally true that if a guy buys a woman nice gifts for no reason and also is really nice to her and does nice things for her, then she'll be more inclined to want to sleep with him? I think so.

 

Be careful, Spinderella. Don't accept the gift, because you might end up having sex with him.

[Spinderella]

Isn't it generally true that if a guy buys a woman nice gifts for no reason and also is really nice to her and does nice things for her, then she'll be more inclined to want to sleep with him? I think so.

 

Be careful, Spinderella. Don't accept the gift, because you might end up having sex with him.

 

Thats what I was afraid of Johan. What if I accept the gift and before I know it, I'm having sex with him?

[Kamille]

Hi Spin! How are you doing now? Are you still taking time to figure things out?

[Spinderella]

Hi Kamille,

Thanks for asking!

Well, I accepted the gift, things were okay. Now funny enough, I'm thinking again. I came to the conclusion that he is maybe just a people pleaser. Its like whatever I do or say, he doesnt get angry, just says nice things, or says of course he isnt angry etc. Well, of course this makes me wonder, what is REALLY in his mind, which makes me distrustful of what he says. He hinted at having fallen in love with me recently, aswell.

Yes, I am still confused and will no doubt be taking some time out to think soon! But I havent done it yet.

[johan]

He hinted at having fallen in love with me recently, aswell.

 

Well, I guess I might as well admit that I think I love you, too. But I don't know how to get gifts to you, so I feel kind of frustrated.

[Kamille]

Hi Kamille,

Thanks for asking!

Well, I accepted the gift, things were okay. Now funny enough, I'm thinking again. I came to the conclusion that he is maybe just a people pleaser. Its like whatever I do or say, he doesnt get angry, just says nice things, or says of course he isnt angry etc. Well, of course this makes me wonder, what is REALLY in his mind, which makes me distrustful of what he says. He hinted at having fallen in love with me recently, aswell.

Yes, I am still confused and will no doubt be taking some time out to think soon! But I havent done it yet.

 

Maybe he's a people pleaser. Or, he could be extremely easy-going and just happy with how things are going! I know! Who knew relationships could be simple?? I would have a hard time wrapping my head around that one too...

 

Just make sure to take the space you need in order to be happy!

 

K

[Spinderella]

Well, I guess I might as well admit that I think I love you, too. But I don't know how to get gifts to you, so I feel kind of frustrated.

 

Johan, its so obvious you're just trying to get me to sleep with you.