I'm selfish

[amerikajin]

I don't know why it has taken me this long to figure it out, but I am.

 

I always bitch about how I can't find the right woman, and yet I probably could have long ago if I would have just not had my head up my ass and dated women for the right reasons. I have an ego when it comes to dating, and I never seem satisfied. I'm always finding something wrong with the women I'm dating. I'm always finding a reason not to commit and to keep looking for someone else.

 

If anyone else has ever had this problem before, how did you break out of it?

[Touche]

I can't really answer your question as I've not been in your position but it's good that you're finding out now what's keeping you from finding the right person.

 

This is quite common. I've seen it with quite a few people who are still single. Take my own sister for example. She's in her 40's and has never been married. When I was dating my H (we've been married for over 11 years now) she asked me the oddest questions. One of those questions she asked me was what kind of food he liked. Well, when I told her he was a "meat and potatoes" kind of guy, she asked me how I could date someone like that!

 

She went on to tell me that she could NEVER be involved with someone who didn't appreciate fine cuisine and who didn't know something about food. I couldn't believe my ears. It never occured to me to reject him because of that. Yes, it's annoying sometimes when I have to cook separate meals because he thinks I stink up the house when I make Moules Mariniere, for example. But is that a reason to reject a person? Because of their FOOD preferances.

 

I was dumbfounded. And right then and there I KNEW she'd never get married. It's sad. She's her own worst enemy.

 

But I've seen this with many people who haven't yet found their ONE. Their expectations are ridiculous. I'm not saying that you should settle for less but come ON!

 

Unless you want to be alone the rest of your life, you need to re-evaluate what's REALLY important to you. Give more and different kinds of women a chance.

 

Aren't there things about YOU that could potentially be a turn-off to a woman?

 

Stop being so picky or you'll end up alone the rest of your life. Focus on what's REALLY important.

[burning 4 revenge]

I'm willing to settle for less ,but none of the women are. Like Alpha said, it's a woman's world.

[westernxer]

This reminds me of Seinfeld for some reason.

 

At least you're dating... probably haven't found someone who rocks your world yet.

[dgiirl]

The first step in fixing a problem is knowing there is one. Truely, knowing this about yourself is the biggest step you'll need to take in fixing it. Now that you are aware of it, you can pay attention to your actions and change your way of thinking. And you can start dating women for the "right" reasons.

[monkey00]

I'll have to agree on that, it is becoming a woman's world...there are some major picky women out there especially gold diggers that one would never hope to encounter.

 

Now it's normal human behavior to look if it's greener on the other side, especially in today's age it's much more common.

 

But when one starts rejecting women for the wrong reasons, thats a whole other issue. Is it possible that you reject these women first in fear of being rejected down the line by them? The reason I ask is because I've seen similar situations with people i know.

[amerikajin]

Honestly, I sometimes think I've gotten into relationships just because I have felt lonely and think, "Well, she's good company, so maybe I'll try this out."

 

I went through a really weird phase a little over a year ago. I can't explain what was happening to me, but I felt very unstable. I've lived abroad for a while so maybe it was homesickness or something, but I had several short-term relationships in succession.

 

It's like I'm still trying to figure out what I really want in a partner. Honestly, I have no problems spending time by myself, and I often need my space even when I'm dating someone. Sometimes I feel like the space that I need is too much for my partner's comfort, though. In my last relationship I dated a girl who was very spontaneous, never made any plans; I'm just the opposite, I have to make plans or go by a schedule of some type, particularly when I'm busy. I find it's true in a relationship, because you end up devoting time to the other person that you'd normally have for other things, which is fine, of course, but I just like to schedule things when my time becomes more valuable. She couldn't accept that, and felt it was just unnatural. She'd just call me up and say "Let's do this, let's do that" when I'd already made plans that evening to do something else. We got into arguments over things like that.

 

I've also been working through a lot of insecurity issues over the years. I think I've come a long way, especially in the last year, but I still have them whenever I date someone.

[melodymatters]

YOU SAID :"Honestly, I sometimes think I've gotten into relationships just because I have felt lonely and think, "Well, she's good company, so maybe I'll try this out."

 

 

 

See, this is a tough one ! I try very hard not to be superficial on the looks issue as I definitely have a " type". So when somone is NOT my type but they are " good company" as you put it, I get confused as to whether I am trying to broaden my horizons, or if I am selling myself, or the other person short.

[Guest]

You have to love and respect yourself before you can love and respect someone else.

[johan]

I have pretty much the same problem. I could offer you some really great advice. But I won't because I can't take my own advice myself. So it wouldn't be anything more than idealism and theory coming from me. And that would make me a hypocrit. So you're on your own.

[melodymatters]

johan, was that directed at me, the op, or both ?

[johan]

johan, was that directed at me, the op, or both ?

 

I hadn't read your post. But now that I have, I can say I don't have the problem you described. If you start a new thread about that, then I may provide a more interesting response.

[burning 4 revenge]

 

 

 

See, this is a tough one ! I try very hard not to be superficial on the looks issue as I definitely have a " type". So when somone is NOT my type but they are " good company" as you put it, I get confused as to whether I am trying to broaden my horizons, or if I am selling myself, or the other person short.

 

i'm convinced women are much more into "types" than guys.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Selfish. I smell a rotten fish.

 

You, say, you're selfish. You can't be entirely selfish, and have solid values, morals, and standards.

 

The important aspect of this trait, is knowing where to draw the line. It seems, in your case, the lack of fulfillment is causing your ego to weather away -entail sending a message of selfishness.

 

You're, just, a very picky and hold high grounds when it comes to finding a suitable woman.

 

Don't say: "Always". A firm man knows where he stands, and always is very restrictive.

 

Question: Do you foreshadow the expectancy of the relationship, before it is allowed to bloom?

 

Little by little, you can attempt to set free the confinements and learn to let "happen" happen -chance and mystery are not evil.

 

Sand&Water

[Tony T]

I don't know why it has taken me this long to figure it out, but I am.

 

I always bitch about how I can't find the right woman, and yet I probably could have long ago if I would have just not had my head up my ass and dated women for the right reasons. I have an ego when it comes to dating, and I never seem satisfied. I'm always finding something wrong with the women I'm dating. I'm always finding a reason not to commit and to keep looking for someone else.

 

If anyone else has ever had this problem before, how did you break out of it?

 

Sometimes it comes down to the fact that there are so many choices. Robert Ringer, in his book "Looking Out For Number One," (published 30 years ago) talked about the Better Deal Theory. His theory simply states that no matter who you happen to be seeing at the time....there's a better deal out there somewhere. But you can better deal yourself right into the grave. There is ALWAYS somebody better. It's a big world. But if you find somebody you love, and that can take longer for some than others, and you can make it work...go for it.

 

It's much better to work on the deal you have than to spend your entire life going from deal to deal and ending up old and alone.

 

Then again, there are a lot of other reasons why people don't seem to find the right person. My own personal theory is that it has a basis in fear. Many of us are just plain afraid of the consequences of finding the right person...fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of betrayal, fear of responsibility, fear of the unknown, etc.

 

Let's face it, it's a little hard not to be very cautious after you spend time on LoveShack and read some of the things people go through.

[Guest]

My own personal theory is that it has a basis in fear. Many of us are just plain afraid of the consequences of finding the right person...fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of betrayal, fear of responsibility, fear of the unknown, etc.

 

Let's face it, it's a little hard not to be very cautious after you spend time on LoveShack and read some of the things people go through.

 

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived"

 

There's only one go-round and life's short. People fear pain because they think they can't survive it. However we all do. We're stronger than we think. We go through things we never thought we could and survive to tell the tale. The lesson to be taken from having been hurt is that 'hey, even when I'm kicked to the curb I get back up and thrive'.

[bluetuesday]

hey amerikajin

 

many people are ridiculously selfish so first off, don't beat yourself up. but whether the problem is selfisness or anything else, real change comes from changing how you see yourself, changing your thoughts, changing your feelings and finally changing your actions.

 

so examine how you see yourself. do you, for example, think that no matter who you're with you could do better? or do you have a fundamental belief that any relationship will go wrong anyway - so what's the point in sticking at it? or do you feel that relationships don't fulfil you in the way they should?

 

see, there are many aspects to your psychological makeup that could result in selfish actions. but change IS possible when we recognise a negative pattern in our lives repeating.

 

you just need to recognise why you act the way you do. but whatever the reasons are, you act the way you do because you have an overiding sense of your own identity and of the way the world works which gives direction to your thoughts, which feeds into your emotions and which finally affects how you interact with people.

 

for example. some people have the deeply-held belief there is a perfect person out there for them. so when they get into a relationship with a person who doesn't immediately seem perfect, subconsciously or consciously they don't put in the effort. the original belief, which may be erroneous, can prevent them from forming healthy relationships which might turn out to be great for them, simply because the relationships don't conform to an idea of perfection which might have no basis in reality.

 

another example. commonly people grow up with the idea nowadays that they can have/be/do whatever they want. we're fed this idea by the media and some of us believe it. so these people believe the only restrictions on them are their desires. wanting it should mean we can have it. if there is a single source of dissatisfaction for most people in developed countries, this is it.

 

now, this idea might relate to the level of beauty they require in a partner. it doesn't matter they themselves have a face like a bag of spanners and an arse like two pitbulls fighting under a blanket. they think they ought to be allowed to have whatever level of perfection they want in a partner because as a subconscious guiding principle they believe the lie that desire is what dictates what you can have.

 

so whatever principles or beliefs guide your life, amerikajin, whether they are that relationships always fail, that a prettier girl will make you happy, that there is always something better out there, that women make men miserable, that men who don't earn six figures are never truly happy, whatever they are, you need to examine how they are affecting your thoughts and you emotions and finally your actions.

 

being selfish tells me you have an ego that thinks it's better than other people. it also tells me you think you deserve happiness from other people while not being willing to give it to other people. but recognising you're selfish is, as other posters have pointed out, a great first step and very commendable.

 

stripping away an ego isn't easy, but it's possible. if you want to be different, be different. there's no magic beans about it. it requires you to think differently (and honestly) about yourself and to sort out and throw off the unhelpful and incorrect guiding principles that have made you into a selfish being. your new thoughts will affect your feelings and they will affect how you act. to be less selfish, decide to be less selfish. it's as simple, and as difficult, as that.

 

you are a self-made man. we all are. you want to see something different when you look in the mirror? dress differently.

[alphamale]

I always bitch about how I can't find the right woman, and yet I probably could have long ago if I would have just not had my head up my ass and dated women for the right reasons. I have an ego when it comes to dating, and I never seem satisfied. I'm always finding something wrong with the women I'm dating. I'm always finding a reason not to commit and to keep looking for someone else.

Join the club brother....I cut loose a lot of great women and I don't know why. I think I'm just messed up in the head.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I have an ego when it comes to dating, and I never seem satisfied. I'm always finding something wrong with the women I'm dating. I'm always finding a reason not to commit and to keep looking for someone else.

 

If anyone else has ever had this problem before, how did you break out of it?

 

Amerikajin,

 

I don't think that you are selfish. You provide very thoughtful replies to many posters here and that can't be coming from a selfish person.

 

I have always been ambivalent on how stringent we need to be when it comes to choosing our "perfect" other half. Even after over 10 years of marriage, I still struggle with the question, "can I do better?"

 

There are two types of people, those who are complacent (or "laid-back"), and those who are always driven and ambitious. The go-getter will never be satisfied, no matter how much money, fame, etc, she/he already has.

 

A saying goes like this: "true happiness can be attained when you know what is enough". Some people simply can't be satiated. And you are young. Young people tend to always want more - whatever that may be.

 

As for breaking the cycle... that's hard. It does get easier with age. But I doubt you can do anything, short of meditation. And love. If you believe in "love", that is. It does wonders. It puts the blinds in your eyes and you become literally blind to all her faults.

 

You just haven't met "the one".

[pureinheart]

An old boyfriend that I am now very good friends with battles with this too....hey we are all selfish by nature so don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Is it fear? Is it that you have not found the right one? Have you experienced really bad relationships in the past that could cause you to be apprehensive?

 

When you least expect "that one" will cross your path, and when she does, move heaven and earth to get her....

[pureinheart]

Amerikajin,

 

I don't think that you are selfish. You provide very thoughtful replies to many posters here and that can't be coming from a selfish person.

 

I have always been ambivalent on how stringent we need to be when it comes to choosing our "perfect" other half. Even after over 10 years of marriage, I still struggle with the question, "can I do better?"

 

There are two types of people, those who are complacent (or "laid-back"), and those who are always driven and ambitious. The go-getter will never be satisfied, no matter how much money, fame, etc, she/he already has.

 

A saying goes like this: "true happiness can be attained when you know what is enough". Some people simply can't be satiated. And you are young. Young people tend to always want more - whatever that may be.

 

As for breaking the cycle... that's hard. It does get easier with age. But I doubt you can do anything, short of meditation. And love. If you believe in "love", that is. It does wonders. It puts the blinds in your eyes and you become literally blind to all her faults.

 

You just haven't met "the one".

 

Wow....this response is really good!

[Trialbyfire]

As for breaking the cycle... that's hard. It does get easier with age. But I doubt you can do anything, short of meditation. And love. If you believe in "love", that is. It does wonders. It puts the blinds in your eyes and you become literally blind to all her faults.

You just haven't met "the one".

I've just come out of one with a guy who was also selfish. In hindsight, I wasn't the one for him.

[amerikajin]

An old boyfriend that I am now very good friends with battles with this too....hey we are all selfish by nature so don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Is it fear? Is it that you have not found the right one? Have you experienced really bad relationships in the past that could cause you to be apprehensive?

 

When you least expect "that one" will cross your path, and when she does, move heaven and earth to get her....

 

I wish I could say there was some excuse for me, but there isn't. I've never been abused in any of my relationships, never been cheated on. I've dated a few flaky women here and there and found out after the first couple of dates, but we weren't really established so I can't say I was really harmed by the experience.

 

I've tried to put my finger on it. I've come to the conclusion that it possibly has to do with the fact that I didn't date much when I was younger - didn't really know how to attract members of the opposite sex. I've gotten better at it over time, to the point where I sometimes wonder, well, I think I'm just playing games.

 

Those of you who've read my stuff probably know that I once had a long-term girlfriend - already five years ago now, hard to believe. I sometimes think I should have married her, but I wasn't the most mature person in the world back then and I thought then that still somewhat fresh off of a divorce she had her own stuff to sort through, and I still believe that even now.

 

The relationships since have been very short-term, with the exception of one girl I dated here for about 9 months. I knew even after the first two months that her clingy behavior was too much for me, but I tried to see where it would lead. I think I probably dated her because I was lonely, so honestly speaking, in retrospect, I think I used her. I didn't go into the relationship with that intention or with that on my mind, but I think that's the reality looking back on it.

 

I've asked other girls out knowing on a subconscious level they weren't really what I was looking for long term, but I thought "Hey, she's cute, and she looks friendly, so I'll ask her out for a drink or two". I feel bad because I think other people might ask themselves 'Where is this going?' before they even ask a girl out, but I just ask her out like I'm practicing a pick up routine or something. I don't know...I mean, I never have bad intentions, but this is what I mean. I only think about myself when I'm asking women out. And not only that...I sometimes wonder if I even know what I'm looking for anymore.

[Trialbyfire]

In the relationship that just flamed out, lol, the guy was looking for a type. She had to be this, this, this and this. It seems I met all his criteria and yet, I wasn't the one. Perhaps you need to toss your list away and let attraction happen naturally.

 

Thought I would provide you with some insight on what it's like on the other side.

[amerikajin]

In the relationship that just flamed out, lol, the guy was looking for a type. She had to be this, this, this and this. It seems I met all his criteria and yet, I wasn't the one. Perhaps you need to toss your list away and let attraction happen naturally.

 

Thought I would provide you with some insight on what it's like on the other side.

 

Sucks, I know.

 

Sorry....

 

Well, you'll meet someone who won't have all those lists.