4 Yr relationship over - long ramble sorry!

[justagirlforever]

(I'm 33 - he's 37 - no kids - neither of us previously married or engaged. For both of us this is/was our longest relationship yet).

 

I'm utterly heartbroken with an immense deep sadness.

How does one move on from "The One" - when you honestly thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with the man of your dreams?

 

We've been together for 4 wonderful years. Incredibly loving, faithful, tactile, exciting, fun, peaceful, communicative & best friend relationship we've both enjoyed - from the word go. We've been living together for 3 of these years.

 

I never thought there was anything wrong. Until he suggested we perhaps buy a house together. Which surprised me (pleasantly though) because he's such a commitment phobe.

The first sign came after the first (and one and only) weekend of house hunting together). After that weekend I just picked up an "odd" mood for a few days - but put it down to his feelings/thoughts about the disappointing properties we saw. He decided to put house hunting on hold. But I didn't give that suggestion another thought - it suited me fine because financially I wasn't quite ready. That was a year ago.

 

Vibes have been off and on since then - but they were few and far between. Nothing I seriously picked up on and considered as an issue we should discuss. Life in general together was wonderful!

 

But I knew something was seriously wrong shortly before a wedding at the end of July (this year). His best friend from school was getting married to his long term girlfriend (they've been together for something like 18 years!). That weekend was horrible and just felt so very wrong. We didn't talk about it then, but it came out a week later.

 

We were out at a restaurant having dinner - and out of the blue he broke up. As simple as that. I was in complete shock and horror and felt like being sick on the spot. Said he needed to be on his own and single again bla bla bla. Basically his mind was absolutely made up - that was that - no discussion about it or warning that he felt. "Luckily" the restaurant was a few minutes walking distance home - all the way home I sobbed my heart out - and then at home went into complete hysterical sobbing overdrive. Not shouting or angry. Just crushed, confused and deeply sad.

 

I asked if would at the very very least consider coming to counseling with me - if not to save us & our relationship - but to help me accept and move on. He was adamant it wouldn't change the situation, but agreed to go.

 

So we had 5 sessions. 2 Together - 1 each apart and 1 together. Through that time I felt that things were getting better. During therapy we talked about stuff that we've never touched on before (mainly family upbringing) and it was incredibly helpful for both of us.

 

But most helpful of all - the therapist confirmed what I always thought - and I have once or twice asked him about - but he always avoided the subject. As a baby he was adopted and (in my opinion) clearly as some deep issues about self acceptance & love. Even though one would never in a million years guess this - as he is the heart of any party with the most amazing confident personality. But I always felt that there was a part of him he never shared. Not with anyone - not even himself. And he was completely unaware of this.

 

So therapy came to and end and things were not "resolved" - though found it very reassuring (for me) to hear the therapist say that he needed further specialist counseling for people who've been adopted. Reassuring to know it wasn't "me" and my fault that the relationship didn't work in his opinion. But also very sad that it was something completely beyond my reach to try and fix / make better or improve. For him or us.

 

He didn't want to go for the further specialist counseling and at that stage (3 months ago) we just carried on with life as we have ever before. Day to day life was lovely, loving, relaxed etc. etc. and I thought I'd just give him time to digest things & think it through.

 

But on Monday night - as we laid in bed about to put the light off - he said "we should make some time to talk about us". Earlier that night we went out for dinner and the movies - and had a lovely evening. In a million years I didn't see this coming.

 

Now that was the worst possible time to say this - because I knew that this week in particular we'd both be out on different nights and not see each other (to have a proper chat) really until the weekend.

I could hear from the tone of his voice what he meat. So I just said - "is the bottom line that you finally want to break up"?

And he said yes.

 

His reason (the one he thinks is the truth and believes) is that he's never truly and 100% loved anyone. Ever. During the past 3 years both his sisters got married and each now have a child. His mother also got married (her husband died 10 years ago). And his best friend from school got married. He sees a level of equal love in all these people - a love he doesn't know and understand.

He thinks it's because he hasn't met the right person yet. That that person will come along and he'll be able to feel 100% love.

I don't believe that this is true. If you've never ever at least had the intention & desire to give yourself 100% (he's had a couple of long term relationships before me so it's nothing new to him) - then you can't expect someone to come along and suddenly make you feel like you now want to give (yourself) 100%.

 

I feel so lost. But I understand. I've been doing overdrive thinking and analyzing. My head accepts it. But my heart and soul doesn't want to.

I know I'll move on. And I know he will try to. But until the day that he accepts himself and opens that can of worms, he will never be able to do so. And that makes me sad. And yes of course I do care - that's the kind of person I am. I truly love him and just want the best for him. But also for myself. So I'm letting go. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

[justagirlforever]

How do you let go from a bond that still feels so very strong? It tears my heart apart. Are there just eternal commitment phobes who will never be happy with any relationship?

 

I honestly gave it my everything. How is everything still not enough? Or should I not have given everything.

I know there's little point in overanalyzing, but I can't help it.

I am trying to understand what went wrong - and where. Did I give too much?

 

I always thought we had more than most relationships I ever saw around us. Everyone always saw us as such a fantastic couple.

 

How on earth do I just turn my back on my best friend and lover after 4 years? Just walk away and make a new beginning

[MagnoliaJane]

It is such a heartbreaking story. You have been giving your "all" to make it work, but your SO hasn't been there to help you make it work... A relationship with only one person in it is no relationship. Somebody can be there physically, but emotionally absent, and that is just plain torture....

 

How do you let go from a bond that still feels so very strong? It tears my heart apart. Are there just eternal commitment phobes who will never be happy with any relationship?

 

To me it seems he doesn't want to look for a solution inside himself, but merely looks outside, for someone else to come along and help him without him having to "do something". There does not exist a "miracle" that will "make it all go away" for him. Sadly, some people are unable to look within and if they don't wish to do so, nobody or nothing is going to help them.

 

I am trying to understand what went wrong - and where. Did I give too much?

 

You gave what you considered best to give and do. Please do not dount your actions. You sound like a really caring, loving person who has put herself second best in trying to save your relationship. If after all your trying nothing works out that must leave you with an enormous feeling of emptiness. Alas. The only thing you can do now, is to start being gentle on yourself. Find yourself again, the person you were and are, independent from him. Start small, do something each day that can give you temporary relief, albeit just for ten minutes. Be patient on yourself. Cry, shout, talk, write all that you have to, but try not to do it involving him.

 

How on earth do I just turn my back on my best friend and lover after 4 years? Just walk away and make a new beginning

 

Unfortunately, you will have to go through the pain, process that pain. There is no way to avoid it. Come on here, on LS, and write. Write it all out. Writing helps to put distance between the pain and you, and between him and you. He has expressed that he needs distance, and you have no other choice than to get along with that. That sounds so cruel. It IS cruel. Going through a breakup when you're not ready for that breakup is so hard. But the ones who have gone through it are here on LS to tell you that it is possible, that you can find yourself back and come to terms with what happened, eventually. The pain follows its own course.

 

Your words, feelings and thoughts are always important. Start with that. Hang on.

[justagirlforever]

Thank you MagnoliaJane (sad smiley) You made some inspiring comments (happy smiley)

I know there's nothing much to comment for anyone. But it does help if I write things down - and perhaps someone could identify with what I'm going through.

 

What I write below, some people might not understand. Because I've come to realise that NC (No Contact) is seen (by many) as gospel here on LS. And before I go further - I have my head completely screwed on and my feet solidly on the ground. I've dealt with my "stuff" and it took me many years (on my own) to understand, accept and love myself. And only then was I free to give (myself) and love another freely.

 

Again, I know some people might not understand this, but we will still remain friends. And for those pessimists who think it's not possible: it is. I'm still friends with my ex-ex. Oh - I guess under current circumstances that now changes to ex-ex-ex

It doesn't always work. My ex-ex turned into a stalking obsessive freak. But it can work - under the right circumstances.

 

My now recent ex has been my bestest friend for 4 solid years. How can I just walk away from that, close the door and burn those memories. I'm not the type to hold onto the the past (and wallow in it), but I can still cherish it and remember the wonderful times we had together. The places we saw (we did loads of travelling together), the things we experienced, the things we learnt from each other.

 

There is no way on this earth that I could deny myself what we had for the past 4 years. That would be like trying to deny I existed for that time. When in fact it was a most wonderful time. Full of laughter, joy and happiness.

 

He did nothing wrong. Neither did I. We both tried so very hard. But ultimately this is a journey he has to make on his own. And from the bottom of my heart I sincerely hope and wish that find the courage to start that journey and has the strength to work through it. He is such a wonderful, kind, honest, faithful and loving person - he deserves it.

 

All that said: I have a fantastic bunch of female friends. Some single. Some with boyfriends and one that's just broken up from her fiancee (so we're kind in the same pain process even though it's for entirely different reasons).

They have been my sanity keeper & crutch these past few months. I've taken some major steps to reclaiming "me" over this time. I'm doing things to give me new focus. I've signed up for some serious charity work (actually to work as a police community officer - if they accept me but the process is grueling) and also started going back to a church group again. I've never been "churchy" and gone through cycles in my life that I wanted to go - went and enjoyed it. And other times when I just didn't feel like it for months or years. I'm not going into religion now (because frankly it's not important to me) but I do enjoy going because it makes me stop and reevaluate myself. It's a bit like a stop-check to get aligned with myself again. Appreciate how much I really have and how much I too deserve.

 

In the mean time I'm frantically house-hunting and this bit I find probably more stressful than anything. But I'll get there I'm sure.

Not easy though when (at the same time) I've started the process of changing my job (of 5 years) too. A bit of a life overhaul really.

 

But if I take a deep breath, smile, and think of all the wonderful things I still have - and will have - I know everything will be OK

[MagnoliaJane]

I admire you. To find this kind of courage inside yourself after your partner is withdrawing from your life is remarkable.

 

I hope he wakes up one day and fully realises what he has lost. That it's not the 100% love that will make him better, but HIM working towards a relationship. Love is a verb, you know? This is something that I read somewhere here on LS someday and I copied it:

"And love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment to a relationship to make it work, regardless of our fleeting feelings". And also this: "Your character is determined by what you do in crisis, not what you do in comfort"

 

I believe it's good you had the therapy sessions. That might have given you something to hold onto. It is great he went with you, but sad he doesn't proceed on his own.

 

Keep hanging in there, girl. And keep telling us about your feelings.

 

Magnolia

[Kamille]

I admire you..

 

I admire you too justagirlforever. And you're right, NC does not always apply.

 

Love is a verb, you know?

 

Amen to that Magnolia!

[D-Lish]

That's an incredible story of heartbreak and an amazing example of forgiveness and subsequent recovery. (Well, not completely recovered, but certainly on the right track with a positive outlook).

 

It really does speak volumes about your character- the power to forgive and the stength to move forward without embracing bitterness.

 

I am close friends with my ex husband who, during a trial seperation, got another woman pregnant! He is now legally bound to her and unhappily remarried with a year old baby boy. I, like you, embraced the attitude that after being best friends with someone and sharing so much of yourselves for seven years would have been a waste to throw away. So we remain friends and I have truly forgiven him.

 

You have the attitude that will take you far in life. It's not your fault that your ex is committment-phobic, and it's really not his fault either. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like crazy, but it's not the end of the world either.

 

I still have issues with getting close to people because of my divorce - and if the truth be told, I also have abandonment /love and acceptance issues because I too was adopted as a baby. But I feel love, I just don't always trust that I'm worthy of receiving it. Because of that I'm prone to sabotaging relationships. We're strange animals, us human beings.

 

I'm quite in awe of your attitude though, it's so positive, and your actions are commendable to say the least.

After reading your story I found myself pulling strength from it.

Thanks for that.

D

[2001Acura]

Is there any method of contacting D-Lish, by PM or e-mail?

 

I've read a lot of her posts, but would like her unbiased opinion on my situation, before I post it to the world?

[justagirlforever]

Is there any method of contacting D-Lish, by PM

 

Just click on her username and select "send pm" (though you have to have pm's enabled in your own control panel in order to send and/or receive - and so does she of course.

[justagirlforever]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement MagnoliaJane, Kamille & D-Lish. Wow D-Lish, you must gone trough an incredible amount of pain & confusion to reach forgiveness. I'm not sure how sane I would have remained through such a process!

 

I've had a few good positive days running - but last night I hit a really bad spot that made me very down, feeling lonely and very unloved. On top of which quite "depressed" because this house hunting thing is so so incredibly hard. Im the one who's doing the moving out (long story as to why it's me - but that was my decision).

 

Though it's proving an immense stress as I've realised that financially I'll be taking a huge setback. Either that, or I go and live in a hovel of a dump and squalor - and though not that I'm into "stuff" and posh things, my home is incredibly important to me. It needs to be pretty, quiet, clean spacious and above all bright. It's not just a place to put my head down. Let's face it, my job's a job and pays the bills. I don't remotely enjoy it - though I don't hate it either.

So all I'd have is a place to come home to every evening (on my own ) and if that at least can't be something I look forward to going back to at the end of each day - I will have absolutely diddly squat. Well apart from my lovely cat and my fish(tank).

I have toyed with the idea of getting someone to share with me - but don't know anyone - though I've put the word out. I've also been advertising on many website to find a flat/house sharing person - but no luck so far. And not sure how easy I'd find it to live with a complete stranger either.

 

So - meeting with bank manager tomorrow to see what he'll allow me to do on my own. A bit scared about that, but needs must.

[MagnoliaJane]

Justagirl, if that's a picture of your cat than (s)he is gorgeous!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your house hunting stress. Having a nice home is so important indeed. Why are you the one who is moving out? Does that have to be a final decision?

 

Magnolia

[D-Lish]

Hi Justagirl,

 

Aw, sorry you're having a difficult day today. It's up and down days I suppose. Sometimes, just when you think things couldn't any worse... You have to deal with a stodgy bank manager...lol

 

Picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and getting your life back in order isn't easy after a break up and. Especially when there is so much business to take care of. I suppose sometimes, those mundane activitites contribute to the healing- because you're focused on something else instead of dwelling.

 

After being with someone for so long, the transitional period is what I found to be the hardest. Being in limbo, between houses (I had to move home with my parents for 8 months at the age of 32...yuck) It wasn't until I bought a new place and moved in, then sat here alone... A newly divorced woman with a new place, a new career path, that it hit me...

"Wow, I'm 32 and starting over from scratch...scary". So I had a good cry, dusted myself off and just dove into my new life. It gets easier.

 

Now I'm going through another break up... lol.

 

But at least we know that we have the emotional tools to survive. We draw strength from somewhere, and we perservere.

 

Knowing the pattern of a CP...they usually come back at some point. You'll have to be ready for that day. It's usually when you least expect it too!

 

I wish you luck with the bank. Hope you can that all sorted out so you can get a comfy place to reside! It feels so much better to get settled again.

 

You're a strong woman- it's evident from your posts.

You're gonna be alright!

D

[D-Lish]

Is there any method of contacting D-Lish, by PM or e-mail?

 

I've read a lot of her posts, but would like her unbiased opinion on my situation, before I post it to the world?

 

Hey Acura-

I have my PM activated, so you can send me a private message if you'd like.

 

You don't have to be shy about posting your dilemma though! We've all poured out hearts out here....there's a lot of support going on.

D

[justagirlforever]

Justagirl, if that's a picture of your cat than (s)he is gorgeous!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your house hunting stress. Having a nice home is so important indeed. Why are you the one who is moving out? Does that have to be a final decision?

 

Magnolia

Thanks Magnolia - unfortunately that kitty (Sushi) died when he as hit by a car last year but I have another one still and he's the most amazing affectionate human like cat ever. During this time he's just the best thing ever When I cry, he reaches out and touches my face with his paw and miauws - how amazing is that?! (Here's a photo of him http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y58/bloozoo2/Shaka/118_1890crop.jpg & http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y58/bloozoo2/Shaka/118_1894crop.jpg)

 

As to why it's me that's moving out: well the reasons are twofold:

1) I'd love to have a garden. Gardening is such a creative stress release for me and something I've greatly missed where we currently are. So I saw this as an opportunity to get somewhere, where I can spend my free time and enjoy it.

2) I have a very large beautiful fishtank that currently sits on our wooden floor second floor appartment. It's really too heavy - and to avoid the risk of it crashing through the floor, I can only have it partially filled - which is a great shame (as well as constant worry). So this is again an opportunity to get a groundfloor appartment where I don't have this worry and can actually fully enjoy my fish.

 

Yeah I understand they might be silly or minor reasons for some - but pretty major ones for me - especially under the current circumstances.

 

Knowing the pattern of a CP...they usually come back at some point. You'll have to be ready for that day. It's usually when you least expect it too!

 

I wish you luck with the bank. Hope you can that all sorted out so you can get a comfy place to reside! It feels so much better to get settled again.

 

You're a strong woman- it's evident from your posts.

You're gonna be alright!

D

 

Thanks D-Lish! I'm in a much better mood and far more postive today.

 

For three reasons really:

 

1) The (dreaded) meeting with the bank manager exceeded my expectations and I now know exactly what they'll allow me to do (financially) - which is all good news and an immense relief.

 

2) I passed the first (and most important / difficult) part of my Police entry exam (to work as a voluntary Police Community Officer). I still have two stages to go, but they should (fingers crossed) be plain sailing as they're mostly security & background checks as well as a basic medical / physical.

 

3) I saw a property last night that definitely has potential in terms of what I'm looking for. There are just a few a few points I need clarification on from the landlord (that the agent couldn't answer for me). So waiting to hear back on that and see where it goes.

 

And I guess there's a reason no. 4 too: It's Friday! So looking forward to catching up on some major sleep tomorrow (too little sleep during the week as majorly stressed). And the ex is away for the weekend to see his family - so it gives me some real space and "me" time to get my head sorted & just relax.

 

It's still majorly tough and I still go through several parts of the day (mostly mornings and late evenings) where I'm really down and cry and wish it would all just go away and be like a bad dream

 

But thanks so much for your encouragement all !

[Kamille]

I'm so glad you're doing better. It is the little victories that help us move on at times like these.

 

And gardening and a fishtank sound like really good reasons to be shopping for a house. Like D said, this is the time to start anew and be and do what you want to do.

 

I kind of pity your commitment phobic ex. It must be hard for him to be walking away from someone like you. You're already doing a splendid job moving on!

 

Congratulation on the police exam. Have a great peaceful weekend

 

K

[Guest]

How are you still friends with your ex-ex?I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years, and I'm heartbroken, even if it is self-inflicted.I didn't want to do it,but I suddenly began suffering from panic attacks about 6 months ago, and convinced myself that we had to break.I think the panic was due to a large amount of stress at work, plus it being my first job out of college.I'm just not sure how to stop it.Thing is that we were and are, the best of friends, and I can't survive without him.He understands...says he'd rather have me as a very good friend right now, than a girlfriend who gets very weepy on a regular basis over life etc.

 

Plus my granny died 2 weeks ago and we were very close...due to my job I haven't really sat down and dealt with it.Last weekend the panic attacks were so bad that I couldn't breathe, and I just thought "Something has to go".Unfortunately it was him.We've spoken since, but it's hard..we both know that.I just want to know does it get any easier.I can't lose him as a friend, we were always close, even before going out.And at the end of the day, I don't want anyone else.I just have some serious stuff to work out right now...and maybe a new job to find!

[MagnoliaJane]

Justagirl, your kitty is absolutely gorgeous. And yes, what he does, touching you with his paws when you cry is amazing. Cats can do such weird things sometimes. Whenever I was sad as a child my cat Apollo would just come up to me and settle on my lap, looking me straight in the eyes. And I would hold him and not feel alone. I have two cats now but they stayed with my parents when I moved to NYC for my job. I miss them tremendously each day, but I talk long distance with them on the phone almost every day (my dad puts the speakers on so my voice is heard through the whole house and then I talk to my kitties )

 

I perfectly understand your reasons for wanting to move out, they do make a lot of sense. It is very important to have a loving space of your own. I have a cozy little apartment now in NYC but I miss my previous house and garden so much, and as a consequence I can't make the apartment "home" for me. Just hanging up a frame already costs energy, and I still have several frames sitting on the floor...

 

I haven't been posting anything about the meeting with my ex to exchange my stuff. I felt so heartbroken after it. He knew I was coming but opened the door in his flanel pajama and that image has haunted me ever since. He looked so sweet and offered dinner (which I declined) and we talked a bit about work. I also gave him a present for his past birthday that I already bought in Europe before he broke up with me. I know he loves antique so I bought him a tin round pot, function unknown, but I think it's a kind of bedwarmer people used when they didn't have heating in every room. Then I said "I should go", and he tried to be funny and said "now she abandons me but leaves a bedwarmer". Then he hugged me very warmly. I didn't say anything anymore and we parted. When I got home I thought HE is the one who abandons me. And thought about him in his striped flanel pajamas again. And cried some more. I know my ex still loves me, yet he can not commit to our relationship. Or to any relationship in his life. He is 43, never married, no kids and so proud that he is so self-sufficient. What he is looking for (I think) is a woman who will make him change his (preset) mind. Yet, he's 43 now and still has not met that woman who will convert him from a solitary man with hardly no friends to a committed partner with a family. Any bump in the road of a relationship is something he doesn't want to deal with. Everything should only feel "right" and any disagreement, even over the slightest thing, be it theoretical or practical is a sign that "it is not meant to be".

 

I wish him all the best. I miss him terribly too. There's so much left unsaid. But there's nothing that can be done about it...

 

Congrats on your exam! It's so important to stay optimistic. But for me, personally, it's a fight each day. Some days I win the fight, other days I don't.

[justagirlforever]

I'm so glad you're doing better.

 

It must be hard for him to be walking away from someone like you. You're already doing a splendid job moving on!

 

Thanks Kamille you're right. It's the little victories that make each day more bearable.

 

I'm sure it is very hard for him. In fact I know it because I can see it every day. He looks tired, stressed and not himself. He smiles but it's a smile with confusion, pain and hurt. Hurt for me and him. I just want to stroke it all away and make him feel better, but I can't do that - and wow that's so hard. In just about 4 years I've never seen him so sad and so stressed.

 

I so wish he could make this journey with me by his side. But I understand he can't. I do understand - which I guess is a good thing.

[justagirlforever]

I suddenly began suffering from panic attacks

 

Thing is that we were and are, the best of friends, and I can't survive without him.

 

Plus my granny died 2 weeks ago and we were very close...due to my job I haven't really sat down and dealt with it.Last weekend the panic attacks were so bad that I couldn't breathe, and I just thought "Something has to go".

 

Woah you're dealing with a lot here!

 

I used to get panic attacks. Years ago. In the time before I knew myself.

When my ex-ex-ex relationship ended, the same thing happened. I had spells where I felt like I was choking, couldn't breathe and felt physically ill and physically shook. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat or drink.

Those were bad, dark times and horrible feelings. I also felt that I couldn't live life without him. I was so alone with no other family and friends (in this country) and absolutely could not digest and accept the thought of being without him. So I understand what you're going through.

 

But knowing what I know now - back then I wasn't emotionally capable of dealing with my emotions. And it resulted in the panic attacks. It got so bad that I was signed off work for a couple of months - and in the end I just resigned because I couldn't face the shame of going back to work.

 

I would seriously *urge* you to go and do two things:

 

1) Seek medical help. Go to a doctor - explain and say "help". He/she won't give you a "happy pill" to fix life and all it's problems, but will be able to help in a way he/she sees fit.

 

2) Ask your doctor to recommend a councellor and start going. You urgently need someone to talk to about all the emotions bottled up. And the loss of your grandmother. I know councelling is a really difficult step to take for some people, but please try.

 

Why don't you register here on LS, start your own thread, and write. Writing helps a lot.

 

All the best.

[justagirlforever]

Justagirl, your kitty is absolutely gorgeous.

 

I perfectly understand your reasons for wanting to move out, they do make a lot of sense. It is very important to have a loving space of your own.

 

I haven't been posting anything about the meeting with my ex to exchange my stuff. I felt so heartbroken after it. I wish him all the best. I miss him terribly too. There's so much left unsaid. But there's nothing that can be done about it...

 

Congrats on your exam! It's so important to stay optimistic. But for me, personally, it's a fight each day. Some days I win the fight, other days I don't.

Thanks again for your encouragement MagnoliaJane

You know what - I'm the same. Thursday morning I walked into work - and thank goodness only one person was in and she's also a friend of mine - but she saw that something was wrong and when she said "are you OK" - I just burst out sobbing. and most of the day was a waste at work and a mess because I couldn't concentrate.

 

But I keep going. I'm not suppressing my pain, but I'm not letting it control me. And neither am I shoving my pain into a deep dark corner to deal with one day. Because that just leads to emotions building up and becomes a nasty situation. As much as I feel deep sadness and still wish every second that it was just a bad dream, I'm so happy that I'm finally able to deal sanely with the most aweful situation in my life yet. I can truly hand on my heart say that I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about my (now) ex. In my heart I still feel that he is the person I could have seen myself grow old with. I never saw that with any of my previous relationships. Even though when they came to and end, I believed life was over and not worth living for. And felt like an emotional nutcase.

 

But I've come a long long way since then. It feels like worlds away from my past experiences. And that is partly due to my solid and secure 4 year relationship and what I learnt about myself through him.

 

Yes, I know that I still have to face the actual move - and subsequent friendship where we truly lead our different lives. But that doesn't scare me. It makes me sad. But I'm not afraid.

 

I was wondering how the meeting with your ex went. I can very clearly picture your meeting and what you went through.

 

I went back and read through most of your posts. You asked this:

 

So, my question: are relationships for Cp unique experiences, or do they all merge together (the same story over and over again) with just one possible ending? It's as if they try over and over again, and somehow feel disappointed by their partner for the outcome (do they feel they've failed or that you've failed?).

I think for the most part they merge together bunched into "failure" with only one possible ending.

 

However I believe that in my case now, he sees this for the first time in his life. In the past he cut ties and ran. He tuned out emotionally. I know that because I've seen some letters he kept of his ex that she wrote to him (prior to me). Sorry I know I shouldn't have read it and I'm ashamed I did so - but as much as I wanted to put the letters down, I couldn't. I only wanted to understand that part of him

 

He now wants to take a step back and try to understand himself. That's a big thing.

 

I too wish you strength and hope that you can let yourself get some closure from D. It seems he's not even at the stage yet where he recognises that he needs to sort himself out and I know how heartbreaking that must be for you on more than one level.

 

There are some things we can't fix. Those that are beyond our control.

 

Keep strong

 

(Oops! long post ! lol)

[MagnoliaJane]

Justagirl,

 

I just wrote you a long post but hit the wrong button and poof, my message is gone.

 

I'll continue where I left off, then:

 

Your phrase "and being with him now isn't going to give him what he needs" kept me thinking.

 

True. But is going to be on his own give him what he needs?

 

My ex-bf (D.) just went back to where he left off before. He will likely also hit the "repeat" button in his next relationship. I once met his ex-gf. I was stunned by how similar in character we are. I am just thinking that by withdrawing, they have an opportunity to continue with the same behavior. A change would be to stay in the relationship and confront themselves and their own feelings. Face their own fears.

 

D. just goes into "save" mode again. Solitary. Single. Save. No one to challenge him. He's going to work every single day of the week, just for the sake of keeping busy. Has shut himself off. That's his way of not dealing with another failed relationship. Until he grows tired of that again and looks out for the next woman who will hopefully bring about a change in his thought pattern ("only true love can be so right, yes"?) That's what he believes. What is "right" and "wrong" anyway? We all are human. We all make mistakes. What matters is what we stand for and believe in, and that we try to do our best and be understanding and compassionate. Because we are all in the same rocky boat that's called life.

 

One of my friends says that life has to break you before you can make space for another person in your life. Meaning that if you do not deal with and process the pain that is inherent to life, you will not open your world for someone else to enter.

 

But one thing is true. The runaway-exes have to see that for thelselves. And we have to respect what they can't give and not push them.

 

If I love D., I let him be, even if it's breaking my heart.

 

I am thankful for all the courageous people out here I can talk to. Thanks for teaching me wise lessons by sharing your experiences and let me reflect on myself and my own flaws.

 

Magnolia

[MagnoliaJane]

Justagirl,

 

When you're feeling bad, hop on board of the LS boat and tell us about your feelings.

 

[And neither am I shoving my pain into a deep dark corner to deal with one day.]

 

That's a great reaction. Unprocessed emotions become ghosts in the closet at a later stage...

 

[And felt like an emotional nutcase.]

 

Ah, but that proves that your emotions are complex and strong and that is beautiful in itself! Imagine life being flat, colorless?

 

[but I've come a long long way since then. It feels like worlds away from my past experiences. And that is partly due to my solid and secure 4 year relationship and what I learnt about myself through him.]

 

I know, I'm also an overly emotional type of person sometimes and I feel like some balancing with ratio can do me good. D's silence helped me to see that... I also learned many things from him...

 

[Yes, I know that I still have to face the actual move - and subsequent friendship where we truly lead our different lives. But that doesn't scare me. It makes me sad. But I'm not afraid.]

 

That shows your strength and courage, girl!

 

[in the past he cut ties and ran. He tuned out emotionally. I know that because I've seen some letters he kept of his ex that she wrote to him (prior to me). Sorry I know I shouldn't have read it and I'm ashamed I did so - but as much as I wanted to put the letters down, I couldn't. I only wanted to understand that part of him ]

 

I can relate to that. While it isn't the right moral thing to do sometimes it is the only way to get an insight/understanding of things....

 

[He now wants to take a step back and try to understand himself. That's a big thing. ]

 

That is true. It IS a big thing. I do hope he will also share some of his understandings with you and not keep it locked within himself and throw away the key...

 

[i too wish you strength and hope that you can let yourself get some closure from D. It seems he's not even at the stage yet where he recognises that he needs to sort himself out and I know how heartbreaking that must be for you on more than one level.]

 

I believe he wants to sort himself out but does not go there. I think he feels unsafe to do that now and just focuses on other aspects of his life, like work. At the beginning of our relationship he wanted to share everything with me about his past relationships, unedited and recklessly. He sort of also wanted to 'warn' me I believe now....

 

[There are some things we can't fix. Those that are beyond our control.]

 

Yes. That is so true. We can only look at ourselves I'm afraid.

 

Keep strong

 

You too, girl!

 

Magnolia

[justagirlforever]

Edit: I thought I found your lost post, but see you must have found it too

Give me a bit to read and think and I'll respond.

[Guest]

"He did nothing wrong. Neither did I. We both tried so very hard. But ultimately this is a journey he has to make on his own. And from the bottom of my heart I sincerely hope and wish that find the courage to start that journey and has the strength to work through it. He is such a wonderful, kind, honest, faithful and loving person - he deserves it."

 

Justagirlforever: The above is quote from your writing. This is the most incredible thing I read on this forum. We're all in pain, but to have this kind of forgiveness, kindness and strength is simply something incredible. I agree with other guests who responded to you. It will be hard for your ex to find someone like you again.

 

I'm a firm believer of love, love unconditionally and passionately. Sometimes, this means we'll have to put ourselves aside and think for the other person. This is not weakness, it's strength.

 

I was in enormous pain, and sometimes get angry at the fact that my ex walked away from me. I'm 33 too and this is the person I have loved the most. We just clicked in every way. I'm satisfied in so many ways. He had the same reason, that he's not ready, he needs to figure things out. While I understand, it's painful. And I miss him and want to be with him so much.

 

But you're right, we have to look at it in a way that if he needs time for himself, if he needs time on his own, he can have it. We may not agree, we may be in pain, but love means not to hold anger in mind, and want the best for the other person.

 

I personally think there might be chance that you ex will come back to you, after he has time and space for himself and focuses on his stuff. You guys had a wonderful relationship, and it'll be hard for him to find someone like you - so forgiving and understanding. He may not realize now, but he may realize latrer. Time will tell. Meanwhile, you might just meet someone on the way. You seem one great classy lady, he doesn't know what he's walking out of.